painthorse60

My husband has been sober for 4 years now, but one thing hasn't changed - everything is always my fault.

Tonight he wanted to go to a meeting - fine go. He ended up not going because my son stopped in to visit. After son left, he became very agitated and said he needed to go somewhere or talk to somebody. I made a couple of suggestions -movies, out for dessert. Nothing suited him. Tried to call his sponsor who moved away ( never got another sponsor) - not available. Guess who paid the price??? ME AGAIN!

Ended up with him yelling at me that I think I know everything and he's having a bad night. Stormed out of the house after kicking in one of the kitchen cupboard doors and took some materials over to a buddy's house.

Somebody tell me why I feel so bad. Why is my companionship not ever good enough? Why does it always have to be somebody else?

I didn't cause him to miss his meeting - he made that choice. Anytime life interferes with what he wants to do, I get the fallout.

Anybody out there with any good ideas to share????

NYC_Chick

I am going through the same thing about not feeling good enough right now, so I have no suggestions, just some big hugs to you : )

neecey1224

I think he is lashing out at you because you are the closest in proximity and the easiest target. He most likely knows its his responsibility to get another sponsor - to establish and keep a support system - and he knows he has dropped the ball. And now, when he needs that support system that he didn't make the effort to establish, he's on his own, and he's pissed at himself. I think it would help YOU if you reminded yourself about ownership. You own your behavior, he owns his behavior. If you didn't do anything, don't take ownership. Its kind of like that quote, I think from Betty Ford. "No one can make you feel <insert appropriate word here, ie, bad, at fault, worthless, inadequate, etc.> without your permission. It takes practice, but we can learn to stop giving them permission to make us feel bad.

Hugs.

prodigal

I'd feel pretty bad myself if the A in my life was being actively abusive - wet or dry. Your AH, recovery or not, is blaming you for his own anger. When we attempt to help someone or show them kindness and they throw it back in our face, we feel hurt, angry, confused, scared, etc.

Do you attend Al-Anon? It sounds as if you need to be around people who treat you with dignity and respect. I can only speak from my experiences with an active A, and I can tell you, even if I was Joan of Arc and Mother Teresa all rolled into one, it still wouldn't be good enough for him. If I was perfect - and certainly nobody is! - he would still find something to bellyache about.

Such is the nature of addiction.

blessed4x

I had wondered the same thing myself over the years. I was blamed when my 8 year old jumped out of a swing and broke his arm, even though the entire family (including my AH) was on the deck at the time. When they miss the toilet and get pee on the floor....my fault because I didn't teach them right, never mind the fact that I've never peed standing up! My fault if the dog barks. My fault if the neighbor kids come over and want to come in and play and interrupt his peace and quiet. My fault.......

I used to play the victim and spend lots of time and energy worrying about it. Currently I ignore it. In the near future I won't have to hear it at all.

denny57

I no longer argue with someone over "blame." I take my own inventory, acknowledge my part, if any, and then move on. This was like learning a foreign language to me. I've gotten very good at it and it feels great.

No one can make me feel badly about myself - I do that all on my own.