lovesmenot74

Hello All ... I'm new here, although I've been to the boards reading up on stuff for a while. I've finally come to the conclusion that my ex bf (brings tears to my eyes to even say "ex") has a much more serious drug problem than I had ever realized.

We were together for what would have been 2 years in October. I miss him. I had to set down some very serious boundaries which led to him having to leave our home, and then subsequently got him kicked out of the place he was staying after he left here.

I'm having such a hard time and hope that maybe some other ppl's experiences either with their own addiction or with family members' addiction can help me to understand, let go, find some hope ... ANYTHING.

When we first met, I knew he smoked pot - it's pretty common in our town and hard to find someone that doesn't ... and I guess I settled thinking he was young (he is younger than me) and he would grow out of it eventually. I know a lot of my friends went thru that stage and I talked to a lot of ppl about it including him and felt it was a passing phase. I have never used drugs and I admit I'm pretty naive when it comes to stuff like that .... i had a bf years ago who was using and selling drugs without me knowing ... just found out this year actually that he was dealing drugs!! Anyway ... that might give you an idea of how naive I am about it.

Anyway ... the first little while was so perfect ... we spent a lot of time together and talked about how we viewed life and commitment and marriage and children etc. I thought I'd finally found the love of my life ... and I sank into feeling safe and secure with him.

Then he started disappearing for days with friends - friends I didn't like but they were his. I started to feel insecure and also uncomfortable that he was getting high for days at a time. He said he didn't need to do it ...so he would stop. And things seemed to go back to normal for a while ...

Then life hit ... and it hit HARD. His family moved away, he got in trouble with the law for stealing beer from a local college, and I started to see him easily aggravated - he started breaking things, throwing things and yelling ... never at me ... but the anger bothered me. It's been getting worse since then ... and I'd talked to him about the drug use and he assured me he wasn't using drugs and had only and would only ever use pot ... nothing else.

Flash forward to a few months later while trying to help him get some stuff under control (he said he was ADD as a child) Doc prescribed Ritalin and it took me 3 months to finally get him to admit that he was snorting it (claiming every month to "lose" his prescription the first day he got it) ... he'd throw fits if I told him to show it to me ... or to leave it with me ... so I knew something was going on ... i figured he was selling it ... until his friend told me the truth.

He was hanging out with ppl that he told me were using heavy drugs, pills etc ... he was lying ALL the time and NEVER admitting it until caught red-handed ... same with stealing - $20 from my wallet here and there, stealing my bank card in the middle of the night and withdrawing money ... never admitting until I had proof and then the tears and apologies and begging me not to leave him.

I helped him stay out of jail twice ... both times with promises that he'd change, get therapy etc .... all this time i thought we were dealing with depression ... but more and more I'm thinking with the stealing and lying and disappearing for days, that it must be drugs. He always blamed me ... told me he wanted to get away from my nagging etc. I was the reason he was getting mad - he didn't get mad like this around anyone else ... but then he'd also tell me that "everyone else knows how i am" from time to time.

I tried everything, begging, pleading, reasoning, bargaining, crying, yelling, threatening ... nothing worked. He would not/could not hold a job more than a week ... always some reason why he didn't like it ... or he'd "get sick" and get let go within the first week. I encouraged him to go on social assistance and go back to school ... the only reason I got any rent from him was because i made him have the rent signed over to me ... i still paid for groceries, his clothes etc ...

The straw that broke the camel's back was moving to a new place ... agreeing to take him with me ... and him lying to me about his check and spending it all in town at his friends' house and leaving me to cover his portion of rent. I was almost evicted ... not a good impression to leave with a new landlord.

At that point he had to move out ... and continued to lie ... told me he was cut off social assistance while he was actually still collecting it on our old address and i was struggling to figure out how to pay his part of the rent!

I called and had his social assistance cut off after informing them that he was no longer living with me. He was furious with me and HATES me ... says now he's had to do things that he didn't want to do just to survive (I'm sure he's selling drugs). His family - even though they know what I've been thru with him and have been thru the same, have been completely snowed by him ... they are calling me a crazy stalker and painting me as this sick person who was controlling his every move. He has been advised to seek a psychiatric evaluation and told me "see what you did to me? you drove me crazy and now I have to have a psych eval" *sigh* He doesn't know that his family ASKED ME to have him COMMITTED!!! And I'm so angry that they are now blaming me for all of this when they looked to me to do all the leg-work to get help for him ...

I have been scouring the internet for ways to reach him, love him thru this ... and found out just last week that he has a new girlfriend ... this completely tore my heart out ... it hurts so bad that after all I've done for him he would just go replace me so quickly. I love him so much and this is the ultimate betrayal ... I feel like he never loved me at all ...

I've lost a lot to be with him and try to help him ... and I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and shame for times when I lost my temper and made things escalate rather than keeping my cool and trying to communicate with him ... but my level of resentment just grew and grew ... I did so much for US and it seemed that he did less and less ... and all I did was try to love him.

Is there ANY hope that we can ever survive this? Is there a chance he'll finally get his stuff together and one day see what he's done to us?

I'm so confused .... I know I need to help myself and take care of myself right now ... but I'd sure like to hear about similar situations ... I'd LOVE to hear that in time, we might be able to mend this and get back what we had ...

Right now he's hanging out with ppl that are heavy drug users ... I think he's selling drugs for the person who he was staying with ... and I'm sure this girlfriend accepts and encourages his drug use and that is why he's with her ... but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Could sure use some help ....

marle

There is no magic to make an addict better. And if love could cure them, there would be no addicts. So what you need to do is to take care of yourself. The more stories that you read here, the more you will see how they all have the same theme running through them. If you read the Stickie at the top of the page, you will see how it fits all our addicts. My addict is my daughter, but I have gone through some of the same things that you have. It was only when I turned my back on her and let her have 100% responsibility for her addiction that she finally reached out for help. It did not happen overnight. It took about 2 and a half years for her to reach her bottom and start to crawl out of that hole. But I know that if I would have kept her in my life and continued to enable her, I would be dead by now and she would still be an addict. So I will repeat, take care of yourself and let him find his own way. Hugs and welcome to SR. Marle

HopeandPrayer

I am so sorry you are going thru this, My advice would be to move on. I know that it hurts right now, but in my experience he will not change unless he wants to. He has people he is with that keep him supplied with whatever he wants and a girlfriend that probably does the same thing.

You sound like a really great person and the last thing you need is to get caught up in his drama. Not to mention the legal ramifications if he is dealing, if he were living with you and got busted, you could be charged also.

I know you care for him, but, I don't think he will change for quite awhile, I would try to move on without him and get into some type of counceling to help deal with all the anger and resentment we all feel when our A's take us down this path. Just MY honest oppinion, derived from my own experience.
Barb

BayAreaPhoenix

I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. I was married to my AH for 7 years, together for 13. I thought he was emotionally unavailable, that if I loved him enough he would grow up, give back, be a partner, etc. I didn't know about the addiction issues until after I asked for a divorce. It didn't change anything, but when I found out I thought maybe it might. This meant there was a "reason" for his behaviors, this meant there was a "chance" things could get better. I learned it really didn't change a thing. He's still in denial and/or minimizing his circumstances. Not me though, I'm no longer in denial or minimizing.

It is what it is right now. My advice, like those above, is to move on with your life based on what is now. If there's a chance when/if he gets clean then that chance will come when it comes, for now let him live with his choices. He does have a disease, but that doesn't mean he's not responsible for his actions and choices. You are responsible and will live with YOUR choices.

lovesmenot74

Ya ... I know there is no US ... the news of the new girlfriend was a clear sign of that ... I can't even stand to think about it. All the things he promised never to do, he's done. And I've kept every one of my promises.

I just don't understand it ... a month ago he was begging for another chance, asking us to start over. I told him I'd heard it all before and that he'd have to prove it in actions this time ... and it never happened. I know his friends/family have got him convinced that I'm the problem ... and I know he's surrounding himself with ppl that will tell him it's okay.

Do they EVER have clarity on these things down the road? Is there a chance that one day I'll hear from him again and he'll at least apologize?

What are the odds of me hearing from him when he's down and out and needs someone?

I've promised myself no contact for at least a month ... he has a court date coming up and I so want to get involved and make sure he hasn't lied about things ... but I know it's not in my hands now.

Why is the right thing, always the hardest thing? I truly thought that calling him to take responsibility for his actions would be the jolt he needed ... and instead it drove us so far apart that there is no coming back from it.

I lost my best friend and the love of my life at the same time.

lovesmenot74

I can't help but feel that part of it IS my fault ... for asking too much of him ... for expecting him to know things that he hadn't experienced yet ... I'm having this crazy fight in my head over what was my fault and what wasn't.

It was just so perfect in the beginning and I miss that part of him ... THAT person was my best friend and the greatest love of my life and it is so hard to look at who he is NOW and realize that the person I thought he was is no longer there ... if he ever was.

I go from wishing/hoping that he'll never change and that there was nothing I could do and I made the right choice to wishing/hoping that once he gets his head straight, he'll realize what we had was so good and worth fighting for. I know it sounds horribly selfish and pathetic but I am so afraid that he'll go on and his life will get better and it WILL have been me that caused all of this ...

I know I sound like a complete fool ... I feel like a fool.

BayAreaPhoenix

If he ever gets recovery, and even then it will be a while, you MIGHT get an apology, you MIGHT hear words that you want to hear. But, expecting it and hoping for it now, is just setting yourself up for disappointment. He will say what you want to hear in the moment, as you found out.

He has convinced others that his problems are someone else's. It doesn't matter who he has convinced that his problems are you, he still is the one who is in charge of his life and his recovery and his future. If others, especially his family, believe him - chalk it up to not being able to face reality, of not understanding, of denying the truth because it hurts to much, of whatever, but that's their choice, eventually they too will have to face the truth.

When you called him on his "stuff" he realized he couldn't fool you anymore. You didn't push him anywhere, he's just running away. He's not ready to face himself yet. He wants the easy way. For now, feel good that you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself!

lovesmenot74

Thanks for the support and hard truth .... I know I have to take care of me ... I know he hasn't been responsible or loving toward me ... but I do know he's a good person ... he has a lot of pain and I feel bad that I've made it harder for him to deal with that pain.

lovesmenot74

I just wish he could see that what I did was out of love for him ... he just sees it as betrayal ... he can't see that I love him enough to tell him the truth ... he wants to hang with ppl who have completely betrayed him and thrown him to the wolves so many times ... I have NEVER betrayed him, never lied to him ... I know I'm not perfect, but I did my best ... and it still wasn't good enough for him.

BayAreaPhoenix

Try to feel comfortable and good about the fact that you know you never betrayed him, or lied to him, that you aren't perfect but did your best, etc. He won't see it or acknowledge it right now. Even if he does, before he finds recovery, they will just be words. Try to focus on you, on what you did for yourself, feel good about taking care of you and not pointing fingers, etc.

I know the pain. I did my best, to the point where everything was about trying to make my AH see that he was a good person, I loved him, I supported him, I took any little thing he did that was good and praised him and tried to show him how much I appreciated it, hoping it would lead to more of the same ... It never did. I know I did my best, I know I did what I needed to do to learn how to take care of myself, etc. I now can focus on what I did "right" and not so much about what he did "wrong".

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments and days - but it does get easier - learning to focus on yourself, when we're so used to focusing on someone else, is difficult! You're well on your way, you really are. As they say - baby steps, and progress not perfection.

mooselips

aw Sweetie,
You are so pretty, and smart, you deserve someone who's NOT an addict.

Addicts love their drugs, before they can ever love people.

It's what they do.

You start going out and have a good time, the memories will fade as time goes by....especially when you meet someone who loves you, and doesn't manipulate and lie to you.


Hugs.....

Impurrfect

Lots of great advice above.

First of all, he doesn't really CARE if you did what you did out of love....all he cares about is that he is not getting his way (being supported by you, while using drugs).

I'm an RA (recovering addict) and I have also been in relationships with A's who I have left. I've been on both sides, and I can promise you that he is more concerned with drugs right now, doesn't love himself, so has no way of loving anyone else.

It's hard at first, but let him go. Yes, he probably WILL call you when he needs something, and will give you a sob story, trying to manipulate you. That's why "no contact" is a good thing.

Focus on YOU, and let him find his way. Otherwise, it will get worse and he will bring you down really fast.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

outtolunch

In a nutshell, no.

This is not the making of "we" or an "us". This is a one-sided relationship of hopeful fantasy.

He's lied. He stole from you. He is unemployed and on some kind of Public Assistance. You have almost been evicted. He is on an express train to jail. He is a manipulator. He has moved on. He is an addict. And none of this has anything to do with you.

And what's with this whole family drama? Let it go. You have no control over him. And the court date....sounds like a little bit of stalking, going on.

Look at what you have allowed his addiction to do to you.
You are stronger than you think and this too shall pass. Let go and save yourself. Your life depends on it.

jerect

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain right now. Loving an addict is never easy.

Honey, consider yourself lucky that he left and that he is now someone elses problem. It may hurt now but it wont always hurt. You are worthy of a relationship that will give back to you as much as you give to it. An addict just cannot provide that kind of emotional availability.

You will drive yourself crazy on the hows and the whys. YOu did not cause this, he did not leave because you betrayed him. He left because you were no longer an enabler to his addiction so he found someone who would. Addicts are not capable of love, rationality, honestly, or successful relationships while in active addiction. All they care about is their next fix.

Focus on you and focus on achieving healthy relationships in the future. Don't think of yourself as naive because you did not recognize the drug use right away. Addiction is very cunning and deceptive. Plus if it's not part of your lifestyle, you wouldent have recognized the red flags as they surfaced. Don't focus on what you can't change, concentrate on what you can..

I promise you, you are better off without him..

(((((Hugs)))))

lovesmenot74

Okay the term "stalker" is a HUGE sore spot for me ... so maybe I'm being overly sensitive but I feel I must clarify things after this comment.

I said in my post that I WANTED to get involved and make sure he's not lying about things ... ei ... I'd love to contact the courts and tell them about his drug use etc ... I'd love to force him into treatment ... I'd love to do a LOT of things ... but I also stated it's not in my hands any longer ... there are a LOT of things I'd LIKE to do ... like yanking him out of this situation and sending him to an island to FORCE him to get sober ... but I'm not gonna do that either ... I'm NOT following him or calling him (I haven't contacted him more than twice since he moved out in July - he has called me though) and I'm avoiding the area where he's living because I don't want to run into him with his new little tramp ... so I'm FAR from stalking ... even though he seems to tell everyone that I am.

Now yes, I can admit that when he was living with me and stealing from me, there were times where I went a little nuts and went looking for him etc ... but in my own defense, these were times when he said he'd be home to help me with something and then disappeared for days at a time ... and ya .... my crazy girlfriend worried sick mode clicked in .... but I'm sure there are other people on here that did/do the very same thing when their loved ones are out doing who knows what ...

I am NOT stalking him .... I LOVE him ... and I want him to get well ... but he made it very clear the last time I talked to him that he is angry with me and feels that if I'm out of the picture his life will get better, so I'm going to allow him the opportunity to find out if that is really true. I told him when he moved out that I would not be contacting him ... and I have not unless there was an important message etc ...

rozied

I was married to my ex for 10yrs. We had 2 children together. He was a compulsive gambler, different addiction same result. After I ended it it took almost 30 yrs for him to call & say all the things that once I would have loved to hear.
I went on with my life. I went bk to school & graduated college. After 10 yrs alone I met & married my present husband. We will be married 24 yrs Nov 4th.
Everyone here is right. Get on with your life & don't look back.
I know its not easy but it is the best thing you can do.

jerect

Sweetie, don't worry about what his family may or may not think. You know you were not stalking him and thats all that matters. HIs family is in denial. The truth always comes out in the end. After awhile drug use starts to tell on itself. In your exbf case it looks like it already has, his loved ones have just chosen to ignore it.

Move on with your life and don't look back. You are young and have the world at your feet. Enjoy lofe, living with a drug addict will age you faster then anything.