Frustrated/Angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
Frustrated/Angry
Am I more frustrated with myself because I tolerate verble abuse or is it because what I am hearing I sometimes listen too and let it get to me?
I am trying to take care of me, I am doing what I want to do, but the constant critiscism that I hear is driving me crazy at times.
I know that I should not take personally what is said, but sometimes I cant help it. I try really hard to hear quack, quack, quack. But today it didnt work.
I have some serious choices to make and I keep putting them off thinking that this is not that horribly bad. But it is that bad!!
Because of my H sleeping schedule I asked my daughter to go upstairs and get something for me. I was on the phone with her and what she was retrieving was on the complete opposite side of the room where my H was sleeping. She just had to go to the top of the stairs and go in the middle drawer and pull something out for me and bring it to me at work. She didnt even have to go to the area where my H was, she just had to go to the top of the stairs and the desk is right there. He started mumbling "get out of here" I was on the phone with her the whole time. Then he mumbles something about I will get it for her, so my daughter said call mom and she hung up with me.
I called him and then he started, with the names and the insults, calling my daughter a fat ass to me while on the phone, and mentions as soon as that thing leaves I will go behind her and lock the doors.
My blood pressure must have risen through the roof, how do you hold your composure?????
quack, quack, quack just doesnt work sometimes, you know. Anyon
I am trying to take care of me, I am doing what I want to do, but the constant critiscism that I hear is driving me crazy at times.
I know that I should not take personally what is said, but sometimes I cant help it. I try really hard to hear quack, quack, quack. But today it didnt work.
I have some serious choices to make and I keep putting them off thinking that this is not that horribly bad. But it is that bad!!
Because of my H sleeping schedule I asked my daughter to go upstairs and get something for me. I was on the phone with her and what she was retrieving was on the complete opposite side of the room where my H was sleeping. She just had to go to the top of the stairs and go in the middle drawer and pull something out for me and bring it to me at work. She didnt even have to go to the area where my H was, she just had to go to the top of the stairs and the desk is right there. He started mumbling "get out of here" I was on the phone with her the whole time. Then he mumbles something about I will get it for her, so my daughter said call mom and she hung up with me.
I called him and then he started, with the names and the insults, calling my daughter a fat ass to me while on the phone, and mentions as soon as that thing leaves I will go behind her and lock the doors.
My blood pressure must have risen through the roof, how do you hold your composure?????
quack, quack, quack just doesnt work sometimes, you know. Anyon
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((Cassey)))
I think the term "quacking" is a helpful place to file the talk when the A is making excuses, feeding us the same old lines, making promises, boasting of change in an unchanged world, etc.
Verbal assault and name calling, whether the person involved is an alcoholic, a recovered alcoholic, or a non-addict is abuse. It IS abuse. And that is why you are not able to "plug your ears" to it.
Quacking we can usually tune out pretty easily because it is blah blah blah. What you are describing is abusive, and you can no more "hold your composure" than if someone was jabbing you with a sharp sword. My heart goes out to you and esp. your daughter.
Maybe the energy (which I would think is quite a lot) you need to hold your composure should be used to "take some action" so that something changes.
Sending you a shot of courage and prayers -- maybe make a plan for a better life Cass- you deserve it! Little steps still move us forward!
:praying
Peace,
B.
I think the term "quacking" is a helpful place to file the talk when the A is making excuses, feeding us the same old lines, making promises, boasting of change in an unchanged world, etc.
Verbal assault and name calling, whether the person involved is an alcoholic, a recovered alcoholic, or a non-addict is abuse. It IS abuse. And that is why you are not able to "plug your ears" to it.
Quacking we can usually tune out pretty easily because it is blah blah blah. What you are describing is abusive, and you can no more "hold your composure" than if someone was jabbing you with a sharp sword. My heart goes out to you and esp. your daughter.
Maybe the energy (which I would think is quite a lot) you need to hold your composure should be used to "take some action" so that something changes.
Sending you a shot of courage and prayers -- maybe make a plan for a better life Cass- you deserve it! Little steps still move us forward!
:praying
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Keep reading, keep sharing. You, like me, are starting to "get it". I keep coming back here and things are falling into place. The fact that you recognized it as abuse and are feeling that uncomfortable itch to do something about it says you are beginning the process of making a change.
I know my frustration is that I'm all or nothing. I want to be through it and be through now.......or I become completely unable to move at all. I have recently began looking at the verbal abuse I have tolerated and allowed my children to suffer, and I am horrified at how long it went on with me in denial all the time. No more! I thought a simple "don't talk like that in front of/to the kids" was all I needed to say to clear my conscience.
It is a seperate issue from the alcoholism, but at least in my situation, it is only present when there is alcohol on board. For so many years my motto has been "hang in there", now I'm wondering why I "hung" for so long!!
I know my frustration is that I'm all or nothing. I want to be through it and be through now.......or I become completely unable to move at all. I have recently began looking at the verbal abuse I have tolerated and allowed my children to suffer, and I am horrified at how long it went on with me in denial all the time. No more! I thought a simple "don't talk like that in front of/to the kids" was all I needed to say to clear my conscience.
It is a seperate issue from the alcoholism, but at least in my situation, it is only present when there is alcohol on board. For so many years my motto has been "hang in there", now I'm wondering why I "hung" for so long!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florence, Kentucky
Posts: 116
I keep getting sucked into a phone call. I gave her until the end of the day to get her stuff. Then she gives me some crap about an old lamp. I went home and put it out for her. I made her call me, and I starting trying to reason with her. Never works, I knew it wouldn't. Then when the A talks about her addiction and multitasking, sex and shopping were her other two addiction. She doesn't want to quit, I know that, It ends tonight when I get home with a trip to Goodwill.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
I am going to say something that I know is wrong, and this is part of one of my many thoughts.
My daughter (step daugther for him) is 19 years old and she didnt hear him say that, he said it just to me on the phone (this time).
I keep saying to myself he is saying this stuff to me, he rarely ever says anything to her. It is always to me.
But I know that in my heart this wrong, she I am sure over hears arguements and she knows how he feels. As a matter of fact I know she over hears these things sometimes.
It breaks my heart that I talked myself into this crazy thinking. The damage I have let happen to her because of years of abuse, is just terrible.
My daughter (step daugther for him) is 19 years old and she didnt hear him say that, he said it just to me on the phone (this time).
I keep saying to myself he is saying this stuff to me, he rarely ever says anything to her. It is always to me.
But I know that in my heart this wrong, she I am sure over hears arguements and she knows how he feels. As a matter of fact I know she over hears these things sometimes.
It breaks my heart that I talked myself into this crazy thinking. The damage I have let happen to her because of years of abuse, is just terrible.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florence, Kentucky
Posts: 116
Verbal abuse is unacceptable. I was sitting in the chair one night with my daughter sitting with me and my son close by. The XAGF called and used some words about their mother, my XW. They heard her through the phone. Then when they left for the night the A past them in her car and yelled the same thing, I found that out later.
Yet today for some reason I still try to convince the XAGF she needs help, and it is up to her to get sober.
Enough already! No one needs this in their life.
Yet today for some reason I still try to convince the XAGF she needs help, and it is up to her to get sober.
Enough already! No one needs this in their life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Whether or not she hears the words she absorbs the dynamic. I repeated pitch perfectly the dynamic in my parent's marriage (codie/alkie) even though I thought I was being so clever by not marrying a drinker.
Let your guilt spur you to action. Have you ever discussed relationship dynamics with your daughter? Maybe open it up for discusssion w/ her - she may be very wise and help you and you may be able to steer her towards counseling if you feel she's developed a warped sense of how to choose a good partner.
Please Cass - don't beat yourself up. The past is gone. You are free in this moment. Taking active steps (however small) towards changing things in yourself will begin healing your pain and correcting your mistakes!
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
B.
Let your guilt spur you to action. Have you ever discussed relationship dynamics with your daughter? Maybe open it up for discusssion w/ her - she may be very wise and help you and you may be able to steer her towards counseling if you feel she's developed a warped sense of how to choose a good partner.
Please Cass - don't beat yourself up. The past is gone. You are free in this moment. Taking active steps (however small) towards changing things in yourself will begin healing your pain and correcting your mistakes!
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
I couldnt be more proud of my daughter, she is a full time college student (2nd) year. Works part time in an office, pays all her own schooling and for her books, car insurance and all other bills. I help her with whatever I can, which honestly is not a whole lot.
I have talked to her so many times and offered her counseling. Letting her know that none of this is her fault. Believe it or not she wants to major in psychology.
I have talked to her so many times and offered her counseling. Letting her know that none of this is her fault. Believe it or not she wants to major in psychology.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
((((Cassey)))) I remember all too well the sadness mixed with complete anger and disgust I would feel when my abf would poor out his torrent of abuse on me, thank goodness that is over.
Take steps to ensure your inner peace is maintained, whatever works for you... meditation, enforcing boundaries, removing yourself from his presence, al anon meets or kicking him to the curb!
Your daughter seems to be moving her life forward and preparing for her future, what do YOU want for yours, and how can you get that?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Take steps to ensure your inner peace is maintained, whatever works for you... meditation, enforcing boundaries, removing yourself from his presence, al anon meets or kicking him to the curb!
Your daughter seems to be moving her life forward and preparing for her future, what do YOU want for yours, and how can you get that?
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Cassey 
My blood pressure must have risen through the roof, how do you hold your composure?????(
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
At this stage I had to start asking why, not how.
Thank you Denny for expressing something I couldn't come up with earlier. I read this thread and thought about how grateful I am I am not living with the abuse anymore. However, I am still dealing with STBXAH on a regular basis, because we are trying to parent our dd. My STBXAH is a bully with me- plain and simple. Over the past week I have had ample opportunity to stand up to him, and I am just beginning to understand HOW. My counselor has told me that with every opportunity will come more strength in my using my "power." I have to say it does feel good to stand up to him- in a way that is firm but respectful. If he wants to continue to go off, I cut him short and leave, hang up, etc. I say what I need to say and no more. My tendency in the past was to analyze, explain, defend, and it got me nowhere. I look back- like you Cassey, and I am so sad about how I gave him so much power. No more.
Thank you Denny for expressing something I couldn't come up with earlier. I read this thread and thought about how grateful I am I am not living with the abuse anymore. However, I am still dealing with STBXAH on a regular basis, because we are trying to parent our dd. My STBXAH is a bully with me- plain and simple. Over the past week I have had ample opportunity to stand up to him, and I am just beginning to understand HOW. My counselor has told me that with every opportunity will come more strength in my using my "power." I have to say it does feel good to stand up to him- in a way that is firm but respectful. If he wants to continue to go off, I cut him short and leave, hang up, etc. I say what I need to say and no more. My tendency in the past was to analyze, explain, defend, and it got me nowhere. I look back- like you Cassey, and I am so sad about how I gave him so much power. No more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 129
I just texted my h. Plain and simple I am leaving and I want a divorce!!!
I am not answering the phone, I will throw the thing away if I have too. I am not going to be guilted into staying because of our mutual child. I am going to stay with my parents up north. I dont have everything figured out, but I know that things will work out somehow. I am so ready for this change for my children and myself.
I am going to contact an attorney on Monday and see what my rights are.
I know that things are going to get alot harder, before they get better. But I am ready to deal with whatever is thrown at me right now. I have until the time I get off work which is at 4:00 until the time he gets off work which is 10:00 tonight to gather things I will need to get me by until some kind of agreement takes place.
Which I am at the point where there is nothing left to talk about, I will let the lawyer take everything over.
No more excuses of why he is having a bad day that day and taking it out on me and everyone else. No more I am done!!
I am ready to do what I say, and it took me 14 years to get there. I am prepared for the consequences of what my actions are going to be. Knowing that in the end things are going to be so much better and peaceful and serene.
I am not answering the phone, I will throw the thing away if I have too. I am not going to be guilted into staying because of our mutual child. I am going to stay with my parents up north. I dont have everything figured out, but I know that things will work out somehow. I am so ready for this change for my children and myself.
I am going to contact an attorney on Monday and see what my rights are.
I know that things are going to get alot harder, before they get better. But I am ready to deal with whatever is thrown at me right now. I have until the time I get off work which is at 4:00 until the time he gets off work which is 10:00 tonight to gather things I will need to get me by until some kind of agreement takes place.
Which I am at the point where there is nothing left to talk about, I will let the lawyer take everything over.
No more excuses of why he is having a bad day that day and taking it out on me and everyone else. No more I am done!!
I am ready to do what I say, and it took me 14 years to get there. I am prepared for the consequences of what my actions are going to be. Knowing that in the end things are going to be so much better and peaceful and serene.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I dont have everything figured out, but I know that things will work out somehow. I am so ready for this change for my children and myself.
Things WILL work out, you are SO RIGHT!!!!!!!!
Prayers for strength and courage in the days ahead!:praying
Peace,
B
Things WILL work out, you are SO RIGHT!!!!!!!!
Prayers for strength and courage in the days ahead!:praying
Peace,
B
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