Kimmieh

The other days ABF and I had a conversation about the effect of his addiction on me and he broke down in tears and apologized. Two days later I realized that he really cannot go a day without alcohol.

This morning he went to work. He works until 5pm, but he didn't come home after work (not surprising). He didn't call either. I have been feeling under the weather all day and have a terrible terrible headache. I took a nap earlier today and had horrible nightmares and I am aching all over (I think I have a fever, too). I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep because I knew he would come home wasted and wake me up.

He came home alright (around 2:30am), but he brought two guys whom I had never seen before. I heard them come in, ABF was really loud although he knew I was in the bedroom. He did not come in to tell me he is there (like he usually does). So I got dressed and came out. I heard him say: "Oh, she is mad. She is awake. Maybe we should go to my place." His place is not ready yet, has zero furniture and his boss lives on the premises. What a great place to go to smoke pot. He sat on the floor rolling a joint and one of these total strangers sat my computer. He had just turned it on!! What in the world is wrong with people?! Write down my social security number and read through my journal, why don't you?? So far the people he has brought home were people I knew. It's just not right to bring over total strangers, is it?? Gosh...

I asked them to leave and I cannot say I did so politely. I told the guy to get off my computer. I told ABF that I am not a hotel and if the only reason he comes home is because the bars close at 2am, he can stay the hell away. He apologized and I said he apologizes way too much. He said he will get his stuff tomorrow (which is moving day anyway). I told him that I have never felt so disrespected in my life. Of course I WANTED to say that he can stay if those guys leave, but I am glad I resisted the urge.

I cannot believe this. There was a time when he would have never ever done anything like this. He would drink, but booze was not the number one priority in his life. He now spends a fortune on alcohol and pot. Over the course of two months when I was abroad he turned into this and I still cannot wrap my head around it.

He just came back and is getting some things. He wished me good night and tried to give me a kiss and I turned away. I think he was crying and of course I feel awful.

I want my guy back, but i guess he is not coming back anytime soon. It's a big step for me to have thrown them out, but right now I just want to crawl into a cave. I wanted to ask him if we could go to an open AA meeting together, but now suppose I should take a break from him, and even if it's just the weekend.

Thanks for letting me vent. I will take a sleeping pill and go to bed. Things are always better in the mornings.

SlvrMag

I am sorry you are going through this. IMO, you did the right thing.


The right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do.

prodigal

He is telling you he regrets his addiction(s) and the pain they bring into your life and his. However, he is not ready to give them up. Actions, not words.

You are witnessing the progression of addiction first-hand. It is a progressive disease. This is the reality of what is happening. The disease can be arrested and put into remission; as far as I know, there is no cure.

I would love to have my AH back. I realized, after two years of hoping he would return to me, that he was gone. I still see a life form wander through my house, but it is little more than a vessel that requires its daily fill of alcohol. There are rare occasions when I grieve the loss. I spent four years in counseling and I attend Al-Anon and post on SR.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Please keep posting. As much as it hurts, just try a little bit to understand that he is going to pander to his addiction until he wants to break free. Don't take it personally. It is NOT about you.

I hope we can give you support. We care, and we have been there ...

freeflower

Ouch! Three months before I left, my ah asked if he could have 2 of his working buddies stop over. They were on vacation that week. For years before, he had went to their house for their annual gettogether. I said ok but was a bit leary. I came home from a 10 hour work day to hear our sterio in the street and could feel the base pumping all the way outside. When I came in, they were sitting at my beautiful dining room table..wasted with overflowing ashtrays and at least 40 empty cans of beer and bottles etc! I felt violated. Just like you felt. My ah knew how I would be sick and scared and he did it anyways. They had the sterio cranking out old journy songs and I kept turning it down. I went to my room and they would turn it up. Grown men of 50. They stayed until 10 pm. I was really never so shaken and upset. I hardly slept because I wanted to explode but was scared because this drinking in our home was so in my face. This was one of the nails in our coffin. The lack of respect was huge!
Isn't that the worst feeling? I should have tossed them out too but I wanted to see how far he would go to disrespect me and I found out.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I feel your pain and you did the brave and right thing!!

Silverberry1331

If I may make a suggestion to you...reread through all your posts and all your journals constantly. My AH has been out of the house for three weeks. I have been romanticizing the good and editing out the bad lately. Only yesterday after I started reading through my posts again did I remember why I am doing this. It allows me to maintain my compassion for the man that I love, but understand nothing changed. His tears, my tears, lost memories of good times, and quiet moments can be decoys to distract me in true recovery, ESPECIALLY when I am having a bad day.

The first few weeks have not been pleasant...a glimpse of serenity here and there, but nothing concrete. The posts have helped. I don't tell you this to frighten you off from your decision, but rather to make you aware that when you encounter difficulties the first few weeks that it is normal, and the posts are a great tool to help follow through.

I trust my HP that things are going to get better.

Surrounding you with hugs! :ghug

Kimmieh

Thank you all for being so supportive - it makes such a difference! It is good to know that others know what it's like to put up with so much crap (because there were many many other nights during which he was partying with the guys while I was crying in the bedroom).

I slept for 10 hours without waking up once. That must have been the first time in who knows how long and it was NICE. I spend my day cleaning the apartment and trying not to think of the future at all. He has his own place now, so I have no excuses like "but I cannot kick him out into the street!" anymore. I have not heard anything, but I am sure he will come over because he left his phone here. We will see. To read my posts is great advice. I know I will soon start to have doubts and my follow through has not been great in the past.

Thank you!