The Other Side of Rehab...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Somewhere Abroad
Posts: 12
The Other Side of Rehab...
Hello -
I’ve been lurking around in this forum for a few weeks now. I really want to thank the posters out there for some great insight. It’s helped a few light bulbs come on in my extremely dark and twisty head. As part of my recovery trying to emerge from co-dependency, I’m posting my story. I’ve read so many posts wishing the A in their life would get help, go to AA, go to treatment, etc. So, I feel it’s time to post what I’m experiencing on the other side of rehab. Putting this down in writing is helping me realize a lot. I am sorry this is long…..but not as long as the 7 years I have lived with an AH.
I’ve been married 14 years. The first 7 were great. I married my true love, my soul mate, we moved abroad, worked like crazy, and traveled the world. We truly had it all. I remember so clearly the day I found a bottle of vodka in his car, 7 years ago. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out through my throat. I had no knowledge whatsoever about addiction (no one in my or his immediate family had this issue). It seemed logical to me to pour out the bottle, become very angry, tell him to seek counseling, and tell him the marriage was over if it ever happened again. The counselor suggested he attend AA and off he went. We went to couple’s counseling and I thought everything was going to be great again. The problem was it didn’t make him quit drinking, it just made him extremely clever at hiding it. The fact that he was already charming and highly intelligent helped him hide it even better.
Fast forward 3 years later and “bam” he had become a full-blown alcoholic. I caught him with another bottle. Imagine how stupid I felt that his alcoholism had evolved to this extent right beneath my nose. He knew exactly how to fool me – he never brought his vodka lady into the house and I never saw him drink. As far as I knew he had given it up. There were only a few times that I suspected he had been drinking, but he was always so great at denying and lying about it. And I chose to believe. So, while I thought he had been in recovery for three years, recovery hadn’t even started. And I wondered why our marriage and personal life had spiraled down, down, down into the black hole during this three years. Two different marriage counselors never picked up on his drinking problem and he certainly never admitted it. For three years I waited for my soul mate to return. I was so certain when the core problem was found, it could be corrected and our relationship would be restored.
When I first heard about co-dependency and being an enabler, I would always puff up my shoulders and say, “no way, that’s not me, I’ve not been enabling and I’ve never been co-dependent”. While I’ve really not been much of an enabler, I am as co-dependent as they come, I have just discovered that the book “Co-dependent no more” was written about me!
So, anyway, at this point in time, after living through 3 years of AH's extremely secretive vodka drinking, I’d had enough. I was leaving and my bags were packed. I even had movers scheduled to do the overseas move back to my home country. But wait, AH decides he has hit bottom and he choses to go to rehab. I went to the family program at the treatment center after charming and intelligent AH begged me to. Everyone reasoned I should give the marriage just one more shot because if AH could follow a proper recovery program after rehab, our relationship just might be able to be restored.
It sounded logical to me.
So AH exits rehab, returns home, gets a sponsor, sees a chemical dependency counselor, goes to AA. Things between us are really improving. We’re riding the pink cloud. I get pregnant very quickly after experiencing 3 years of infertility issues pre-rehab (gee, could it have been due to his drinking and the stress it caused??). We both thought God was finally smiling on us. Our daughter was born, things were up and down, but mostly up. Then, his sponsor moved away. He stopped seeing the counselor. He still was going to AA and he was looking around for a new sponsor. And looking…and looking….and looking. I tried to keep my hands off his recovery program, but I began to see the regression in his thinking, his attitude. As the months pass I can look back and see some of the manipulative and blackmailing things that I’ve done over the past year, reacting to the emotionally insecure environment he created. Add in the fact that I have been experiencing secondary infertility and the picture is pretty glum. My co-dependency got worse as I felt more and more desperate and saw him becoming sicker (mentally). There’s a lot of things I’ve done that show me how sick I’ve become as well (I will spare you with the details). Anyway, I think he started drinking again about 4 – 5 months ago. He’s so clever at hiding it that I will probably never know. For me, it’s a moot point because even if he’s not drinking he definitely has the dry drunk syndrome, which makes it feel like he’s drinking again.
AH has been gone this week, thankfully, so I’ve been able to clear my head a bit and spend a lot of time on this forum. I finally decided that I’m through with this marriage. When he left rehab I told him if he stopped working his program that the marriage was over. He left rehab 4 years ago. The first 2 years post-rehab were OK and the last 2 years have been a return to the black hole of alcoholism and co-dependency. So, it has taken me two long years and so many empty threats to reach this point, but here I am.
Unfortunately, for me, so much has happened to damage the marriage that I no longer love him. And that is why, I think it has taken me so long to reach this point. For me, I had to stop loving him to make me willing and able to end it. It’s a shame because I live in one of most beautiful cities in the world, we have an apartment we bought and are renovating, and my daughter loves her school here. I finally realized that I love my life here, just minus the AH. Unraveling 14 years of two intertwined lives is going to take a lot of time and patience. And I feel an enormous amount of guilt over breaking up our family since our daughter is just 3 years old. I'm trying to work through this....
Each day, I am taking baby steps to rid myself of this situation that is not ever going to change. Last Thursday I saw a counselor to help begin unraveling my head. Last Friday I consulted a divorce lawyer. I am going back to Al-Anon. I asked AH to move out and I droppped the divorce bomb on him. I don't think he is taking me seriously yet due to all the empty threats and ultimatums I gave in the past. I decided if I don’t start putting myself first and doing what it takes to take care of myself and my daughter, I’ll be 90 and still having the same conversations/fights with AH and still waiting for him to throw me little pieces of hope that things will change and that he will again become the man I married.
I am grateful to this forum because I think people are at times a bit more honest than in Al-Anon meetings (at least the meetings here). Some things that have specifically spoken to me include (and I’m sorry I didn’t keep track of who wrote these things):
- every relationship has “givens” (i.e. he doesn’t beat me, he goes to work everyday). In an alcoholic relationship, the “givens” become bonuses
- Why would you want to have to constantly detach from someone that you love? Isn’t the point of a relationship to have mutual emotional needs fulfilled?
- I’ve waited around for him to “get” it. This thinking was wrong. It’s not up to him to “get” it. It’s up to me to “get” it. And, man, I finally got it!
- This situation is 100% my fault and I am to blame for it. Meaning, my co-dependent self came back time after time after time after time. I chose to believe all the AH’s empty promises that our marriage could be restored and that he could work a progressive program of recovery. It has made me crazy, but who wouldn’t be crazy after being lied to and filled with false hope for so long?
Thank you for reading this post. I welcome your feedback/support. At this point in time, I pray for resolve to move forward. I pray I don't get sucked back in. Please, don't let me get sucked back in.
I’ve been lurking around in this forum for a few weeks now. I really want to thank the posters out there for some great insight. It’s helped a few light bulbs come on in my extremely dark and twisty head. As part of my recovery trying to emerge from co-dependency, I’m posting my story. I’ve read so many posts wishing the A in their life would get help, go to AA, go to treatment, etc. So, I feel it’s time to post what I’m experiencing on the other side of rehab. Putting this down in writing is helping me realize a lot. I am sorry this is long…..but not as long as the 7 years I have lived with an AH.
I’ve been married 14 years. The first 7 were great. I married my true love, my soul mate, we moved abroad, worked like crazy, and traveled the world. We truly had it all. I remember so clearly the day I found a bottle of vodka in his car, 7 years ago. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out through my throat. I had no knowledge whatsoever about addiction (no one in my or his immediate family had this issue). It seemed logical to me to pour out the bottle, become very angry, tell him to seek counseling, and tell him the marriage was over if it ever happened again. The counselor suggested he attend AA and off he went. We went to couple’s counseling and I thought everything was going to be great again. The problem was it didn’t make him quit drinking, it just made him extremely clever at hiding it. The fact that he was already charming and highly intelligent helped him hide it even better.
Fast forward 3 years later and “bam” he had become a full-blown alcoholic. I caught him with another bottle. Imagine how stupid I felt that his alcoholism had evolved to this extent right beneath my nose. He knew exactly how to fool me – he never brought his vodka lady into the house and I never saw him drink. As far as I knew he had given it up. There were only a few times that I suspected he had been drinking, but he was always so great at denying and lying about it. And I chose to believe. So, while I thought he had been in recovery for three years, recovery hadn’t even started. And I wondered why our marriage and personal life had spiraled down, down, down into the black hole during this three years. Two different marriage counselors never picked up on his drinking problem and he certainly never admitted it. For three years I waited for my soul mate to return. I was so certain when the core problem was found, it could be corrected and our relationship would be restored.
When I first heard about co-dependency and being an enabler, I would always puff up my shoulders and say, “no way, that’s not me, I’ve not been enabling and I’ve never been co-dependent”. While I’ve really not been much of an enabler, I am as co-dependent as they come, I have just discovered that the book “Co-dependent no more” was written about me!
So, anyway, at this point in time, after living through 3 years of AH's extremely secretive vodka drinking, I’d had enough. I was leaving and my bags were packed. I even had movers scheduled to do the overseas move back to my home country. But wait, AH decides he has hit bottom and he choses to go to rehab. I went to the family program at the treatment center after charming and intelligent AH begged me to. Everyone reasoned I should give the marriage just one more shot because if AH could follow a proper recovery program after rehab, our relationship just might be able to be restored.
It sounded logical to me.
So AH exits rehab, returns home, gets a sponsor, sees a chemical dependency counselor, goes to AA. Things between us are really improving. We’re riding the pink cloud. I get pregnant very quickly after experiencing 3 years of infertility issues pre-rehab (gee, could it have been due to his drinking and the stress it caused??). We both thought God was finally smiling on us. Our daughter was born, things were up and down, but mostly up. Then, his sponsor moved away. He stopped seeing the counselor. He still was going to AA and he was looking around for a new sponsor. And looking…and looking….and looking. I tried to keep my hands off his recovery program, but I began to see the regression in his thinking, his attitude. As the months pass I can look back and see some of the manipulative and blackmailing things that I’ve done over the past year, reacting to the emotionally insecure environment he created. Add in the fact that I have been experiencing secondary infertility and the picture is pretty glum. My co-dependency got worse as I felt more and more desperate and saw him becoming sicker (mentally). There’s a lot of things I’ve done that show me how sick I’ve become as well (I will spare you with the details). Anyway, I think he started drinking again about 4 – 5 months ago. He’s so clever at hiding it that I will probably never know. For me, it’s a moot point because even if he’s not drinking he definitely has the dry drunk syndrome, which makes it feel like he’s drinking again.
AH has been gone this week, thankfully, so I’ve been able to clear my head a bit and spend a lot of time on this forum. I finally decided that I’m through with this marriage. When he left rehab I told him if he stopped working his program that the marriage was over. He left rehab 4 years ago. The first 2 years post-rehab were OK and the last 2 years have been a return to the black hole of alcoholism and co-dependency. So, it has taken me two long years and so many empty threats to reach this point, but here I am.
Unfortunately, for me, so much has happened to damage the marriage that I no longer love him. And that is why, I think it has taken me so long to reach this point. For me, I had to stop loving him to make me willing and able to end it. It’s a shame because I live in one of most beautiful cities in the world, we have an apartment we bought and are renovating, and my daughter loves her school here. I finally realized that I love my life here, just minus the AH. Unraveling 14 years of two intertwined lives is going to take a lot of time and patience. And I feel an enormous amount of guilt over breaking up our family since our daughter is just 3 years old. I'm trying to work through this....
Each day, I am taking baby steps to rid myself of this situation that is not ever going to change. Last Thursday I saw a counselor to help begin unraveling my head. Last Friday I consulted a divorce lawyer. I am going back to Al-Anon. I asked AH to move out and I droppped the divorce bomb on him. I don't think he is taking me seriously yet due to all the empty threats and ultimatums I gave in the past. I decided if I don’t start putting myself first and doing what it takes to take care of myself and my daughter, I’ll be 90 and still having the same conversations/fights with AH and still waiting for him to throw me little pieces of hope that things will change and that he will again become the man I married.
I am grateful to this forum because I think people are at times a bit more honest than in Al-Anon meetings (at least the meetings here). Some things that have specifically spoken to me include (and I’m sorry I didn’t keep track of who wrote these things):
- every relationship has “givens” (i.e. he doesn’t beat me, he goes to work everyday). In an alcoholic relationship, the “givens” become bonuses
- Why would you want to have to constantly detach from someone that you love? Isn’t the point of a relationship to have mutual emotional needs fulfilled?
- I’ve waited around for him to “get” it. This thinking was wrong. It’s not up to him to “get” it. It’s up to me to “get” it. And, man, I finally got it!
- This situation is 100% my fault and I am to blame for it. Meaning, my co-dependent self came back time after time after time after time. I chose to believe all the AH’s empty promises that our marriage could be restored and that he could work a progressive program of recovery. It has made me crazy, but who wouldn’t be crazy after being lied to and filled with false hope for so long?
Thank you for reading this post. I welcome your feedback/support. At this point in time, I pray for resolve to move forward. I pray I don't get sucked back in. Please, don't let me get sucked back in.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Thanks so much for your thoughtfully written story of your life with an alcoholic. I am sure your contribution will help so many others visiting here as well. Like you, the first seven years of my marriage were good ... but my AH eventually became a master at hiding his addiction as well. He was so careful never to get drunk so his drinking would be obvious, yet slowly letting alcohol twist his thoughts and behavior and insidiously destroying the man I had married.
Don't be too hard on yourself, we hang on too long sometimes because we believe they can get sober and find long term recovery - many alcoholics do ... that is what happened with my father and it gave me reason to believe my husband could turn his life around as well and keep our family intact. But sobriety was not to be his fate .... I lost many years to the insanity of living with an alcoholic... and sadly he lost his life.
Broken marriages, shattered families ... the casualties of alcoholism are truly tragic. Be at peace knowing you gave him opportunities to find recovery .. now it is your turn to find peace and serenity again in your journey towards a healthier life for you and your daughter.
Don't be too hard on yourself, we hang on too long sometimes because we believe they can get sober and find long term recovery - many alcoholics do ... that is what happened with my father and it gave me reason to believe my husband could turn his life around as well and keep our family intact. But sobriety was not to be his fate .... I lost many years to the insanity of living with an alcoholic... and sadly he lost his life.
Broken marriages, shattered families ... the casualties of alcoholism are truly tragic. Be at peace knowing you gave him opportunities to find recovery .. now it is your turn to find peace and serenity again in your journey towards a healthier life for you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It takes a lot of courage to share what you have, and I thank you for that.
There is life after divorce.
I raised two daughters pretty much by myself. Although I started addressing my alcoholism/addiction issues back in 1986, I wasn't willing to look at my codependency issues till 1999.
It was after my bank account was drained, I had fallen in love with two girls who were going to be my stepdaughters, and the then fiance walked out that I finally dropped to my knees and asked God for help.
I hope you keep posting here! :ghug
There is life after divorce.
I raised two daughters pretty much by myself. Although I started addressing my alcoholism/addiction issues back in 1986, I wasn't willing to look at my codependency issues till 1999.
It was after my bank account was drained, I had fallen in love with two girls who were going to be my stepdaughters, and the then fiance walked out that I finally dropped to my knees and asked God for help.
I hope you keep posting here! :ghug
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,696
Welcome to the forum, EndofPinkCloud!
I have a very similar story - good years, happy marriage, three year-old, sly drinking and all. I had the exact same "finished with it" moment before my husband decided to go to rehab and I, too, got sucked back into the insanity.
Still, I'm grateful for the family sessions that I attended with him while he was in treatment, as they signaled the beginning of my journey into recovery.
My AH was also committed to recovery when he returned from rehab, but his sponsor got lost somewhere along the way, the meetings came to an end, and alcohol began to sneak its way back into his life again.
It wasn't sneaky for long - these days I swear that I can smell alcohol on someone's breath from 10 feet across the room!
In our case, I ended up moving out (just 3 short weeks ago!) , and the peace I have found is astounding.
You sound as though you've got your head on straight - no more fantasies about a total change of heart on his part. Good for you.
Take care of yourself - you are in my thoughts.
-TC
I have a very similar story - good years, happy marriage, three year-old, sly drinking and all. I had the exact same "finished with it" moment before my husband decided to go to rehab and I, too, got sucked back into the insanity.
Still, I'm grateful for the family sessions that I attended with him while he was in treatment, as they signaled the beginning of my journey into recovery.
My AH was also committed to recovery when he returned from rehab, but his sponsor got lost somewhere along the way, the meetings came to an end, and alcohol began to sneak its way back into his life again.
It wasn't sneaky for long - these days I swear that I can smell alcohol on someone's breath from 10 feet across the room!
In our case, I ended up moving out (just 3 short weeks ago!) , and the peace I have found is astounding.
You sound as though you've got your head on straight - no more fantasies about a total change of heart on his part. Good for you.
Take care of yourself - you are in my thoughts.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
"I had to stop loving him to end it"
That was key for me.
After all the lies and hurt,I had fallen out of love.
This awesome forum and alot of reading helped me tremendously,
It opened my eyes to so many things that were right in front of me.
I wish you the best,you are well on your way!!!
:ghug
That was key for me.
After all the lies and hurt,I had fallen out of love.
This awesome forum and alot of reading helped me tremendously,
It opened my eyes to so many things that were right in front of me.
I wish you the best,you are well on your way!!!
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
DH and I are just at the beginning of 'sorting' this out, after years and years of drinking being a 'problem' but never enough of a problem to draw the line, IYKWIM. There was/is no abuse. In fact my biggest problem now is that there isn't much of anything, DH doesn't seem to have any goals or ideas in his head, except to react to what's going on around. I am, kind of, semi detached from him...
One of the hardest things to give up, IMO, is the image of ourselves together for life. We have several children, and we always agreed that we would like one more. Letting go of that dream is the hardest thing to do. I love my children, I want them to have an intact family, I want them to have one more sibling, I want them to have their father living with us. I don't think it's possible, at least not the way that I would like it to be, with a healthy, involved, *present* father.
Thank you soooooo much for posting your message endofpinkcloud, it's only in replying to you that I realised what's going on in my head. I don't post much here, but I read a lot, and it helps very much.
One of the hardest things to give up, IMO, is the image of ourselves together for life. We have several children, and we always agreed that we would like one more. Letting go of that dream is the hardest thing to do. I love my children, I want them to have an intact family, I want them to have one more sibling, I want them to have their father living with us. I don't think it's possible, at least not the way that I would like it to be, with a healthy, involved, *present* father.
Thank you soooooo much for posting your message endofpinkcloud, it's only in replying to you that I realised what's going on in my head. I don't post much here, but I read a lot, and it helps very much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 18
Thanks so much for posting your story - it is VERY similar to mine.
We had the same scenario - when my last child graduated from High School and went away to college, I think he knew I was serious that I would leave if he continued to drink. I had put up with it for 15 years. He went to rehab and when he came out we had all these hopes and dreams for the future. Four years later, I'm beginning to see that these were indeed just dreams.
Although my husband continues to be sober ( thank God), many of his behaviors have not changed. Since his sponsor moved away three months ago, he had slid downhill alarmingly. Many of his drinking day behaviors are returning with a vengeance. On some level I think he knows this - he now claims that he MUST go to a meeting every night or he will start to drink again - after 4 years!
He is using AA as a hiding place. He goes to meetings almost every night, but surely does not work a program. Seems that all he's getting from AA is a litany of excuses - "Yes - I'm very selfish - it's one of my character defects."
I'm beginning to realize that the person I fell in love with almost 30 - yes 30 - years ago is gone forever. I believe that the years of addiction have taken such a toll on our marriage that it can never heal. Mine refuses counseling because he doesn't ever like to be told that he's wrong so that's not even in the picture for us.
Happy for you that you are being smarter than I was - I've spent over half my life with a person who refuses to take one evening a week for us to go to dinner or a movie. Kudos to you!
We had the same scenario - when my last child graduated from High School and went away to college, I think he knew I was serious that I would leave if he continued to drink. I had put up with it for 15 years. He went to rehab and when he came out we had all these hopes and dreams for the future. Four years later, I'm beginning to see that these were indeed just dreams.
Although my husband continues to be sober ( thank God), many of his behaviors have not changed. Since his sponsor moved away three months ago, he had slid downhill alarmingly. Many of his drinking day behaviors are returning with a vengeance. On some level I think he knows this - he now claims that he MUST go to a meeting every night or he will start to drink again - after 4 years!
He is using AA as a hiding place. He goes to meetings almost every night, but surely does not work a program. Seems that all he's getting from AA is a litany of excuses - "Yes - I'm very selfish - it's one of my character defects."
I'm beginning to realize that the person I fell in love with almost 30 - yes 30 - years ago is gone forever. I believe that the years of addiction have taken such a toll on our marriage that it can never heal. Mine refuses counseling because he doesn't ever like to be told that he's wrong so that's not even in the picture for us.
Happy for you that you are being smarter than I was - I've spent over half my life with a person who refuses to take one evening a week for us to go to dinner or a movie. Kudos to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
EOPC- I read your post yesterday afternoon, but I couldn't respond- had to go to school. I was struck by your clarity- and your story. I can also clearly remember finding a bottle in an odd place- a whiskey bottle in a 2nd bedroom dresser drawer. That's when I started to put up antennae. I distinctly remember saying to my husband- "You don't want to become an alcoholic- do you?" How naive I was. I also had no experience with addiction, so I missed a lot, and like your husband mine was very charming, intelligent and sneaky. I now find him to be ugly, insensitive and untrustworthy. It's very sad. I used to love him so much- as we all have loved those in our life who are addicted. But I have realized finally that I have to love myself first- and that is not selfish. It's healthy- and only by being healthy can I help our dd get through the bumps in the road that are bound to come. I want her to have a better shot at believing in herself, loving herself and trusting her inner voice than I did. I'm grateful- at the age of 45- to be learning those skills myself.
I'm very glad you posted. There are many people here who can offer so much to help you get through this hard process. It sounds like you are well on your way. (((Good luck to you.)))
I'm very glad you posted. There are many people here who can offer so much to help you get through this hard process. It sounds like you are well on your way. (((Good luck to you.)))
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