cyclelady

So last night AH came to football practice well over 1/2 lit. We do not speak to each other, he is just sleeping at our home for right now. The kids didnt even acknowledge him when he got there.

9y/o son came over to get a drink of water and AH started in on him saying what he was doing wrong. Son started yelling at him saying "leave me alone! I'm trying to do my best!" We were getting ready to leave and the kids got into my car and the AH came over to the passenger window and threw his wedding ring at me saying I can put it where MY rings are - I said mine are on my hand. He turned around and continued to talk to a dad at the practice. I had taken the kids and left at 7:30. The 6 y/o said "daddy just divorced mommy" They asked why he did that and why is he so mean to me making me cry? I didnt want to go home so I took the kids for ice cream.

While we were getting ice cream my step son who is also with me is making excuses for his dad. It isnt that bad, he wasnt drunk - COME ON he is 13 NOT 2 - he can see this cant he?! The 9 y/o and 6 y/o could tell why can't the 13 y/o see it? Why after me being the one to take care of the step son for 10 years full time does he not feel my pain and keep excusing his dad? I just told step son not to discuss it with me cuz I was angry and didnt want to take it out on him. Why does he bite the hand that feeds him?

We came home from ice cream and I got everyone into bed. AH came flying down the road on his motorcycle at 9pm. He came in the house went to the shower and said nothing. I continued to float through SR and talk on the phone with a girlfriend. I went to bed and he was passed out on the couch.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH When is it time for my rings to come off?

AmpHusky

When is it time for my rings to come off?

NOW, Just keep explaining to the kids that it is best, he is sick, and this is the only way for him to get better. You can start by taking them to Al-teen if you haven't yet.

You can make it with out him, KIDS, YOU, RELATIONSHIP.

Stubborn1

I can't believe the anger you have towards a child. Why does he defend HIS dad? Because it's HIS dad and that's what they do. Why in the h*** should a CHILD feel YOUR pain? OMG are you serious?
If you are any kind of step parent or parent you would hold your tongue about their father. Say kind words or nothing at all. These children sound hurt and VERY smart. They are at a crucial age and what they are seeing and hearing is what they are going to think is normal.
If this man is that bad then find a way to get away from him for the sake of those children.
A ring is just a ring. Materialistic, symbolic garbage however these children have the rest of their lives to do and you two are acting worse then they are. Sheesh.

I will be praying for you because he has you so sick you can not see what is happening. You are starting to go down with the sinking ship. Please please listen. I care what is happening to you.

cyclelady

Thanks Amp! I forgot to mention in original post that my 6 y/o asked his dad this am why he gave his ring back to me and the AH told him cuz his mommy doesnt love his daddy any more!!!! He eats at me through the kids and it kills me that he does this!!!! I'm sitting at work right now crying - I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!

AmpHusky

He's playing you, I know they are your kids, and his. He is the one who decides to let them see this behavior. You are the one who has to stop it. Get them to a meeting. Set your boundries and don't let up. I believe you can move your boundries forward, not backwards.

Stubborn1

Time to stop crying and get angry and self indulged. You are the only one right now with the control to change things. If you are in this situation it's because you want to be. I know this sounds so mean but it's so true. I have three children myself so I speak from experience. They are your childrens age.
You do not have long with them until they are set in their ways so it's up to you right now to get them in a secure and safe enviroment. You can do this. You allow this disease win by sitting closely by. Not only is it taking your husband but you and now the children and it won't stop.........it will move on to thier children and so on and so on. Break this madness and this cycle and start educating yourself and them as well.
You can pm me if you want, I will be most willing to help you through this.
No crying, it's wasted energy and time.

cyclelady

it appears that i misworded my post. I am not angry with my children at all. I love all of the kids. Yes they are hurt and very smart I know this. I have shielded the step son from the AH emotional rath as well as the others many of times as a GOOD MOTHER should do. I do NOT speak badly about their father only about his "sickness and the behaviors." I tell them that it is NOT okay for anyone to call mommy or anyone else the kind of names that he calls and so forth. I did mention that I told the 13 y/o I did not want to misdirect my anger on him because he has NOT done anything to cause this and I loved him so I chose not to talk about it. I told him that is his dad and I understand. Even though I hurt inside.

Yes this disease has made me sick as well and I'm getting help for MY issues. I feel somewhat deffensive with what you have posted. I feel that I can take constructive critisism but I dont feel that is what you have given.

Stubborn1

I can only go by what you posted. It's very easy for kids to see things especially if they know something is going on. They make it a point to stick their noses in it so just be careful. I'm glad you protect them, that is a good mother.
I hope you take measures to protect yourself and your children more from all of this though. That's just my opinion and I'll keep them to myself from now on. I'm only trying to help because I was there hun.
He doesn't care what they see or hear apparently. Good luck

Stubborn1

I misinterpreted this.

Denoraphy

I have had a similiar experience with one of my own kids protecting her dad. Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at it through thier eyes. It may very well be that your step son is worried about how this will effect HIM if the two of you should split up. Where will he live? Possilbly with his Dad, which may frighten him. It could be that he is just trying to protect the world that he is comfortable with.

LaTeeDa

Both of you are using the kids against each other. It's not healthy. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father and severely codependent mother. It took me to the age of 43 to start learning how to have a healthy relationship. I had role models like you and your husband. I married an alcoholic and stayed with him through 18 years and two children. The cycle stops with me. I got my children out of that situation and into counseling. I don't want for them what I had.

What do you want for your children?

L

cyclelady

LTD - I truely do not see if I am using my kids against him. I do NOT want to do that to them. How do I know if I am and how do I stop if I do? I have read many al-anon books and different books that say to not cover the disease from them because children know what is going on. I thought I was helping them not hurting them. What suggestions do you have to help me see what I'm doing and nip it in the bud before it keeps going. Thank you.

SereneRose

When my XAH and I were divorcing I was always protecting my children from him and his sarcasm against me and that blah blah blah; getting upset. Anyways, after a few years I just didn't say a word, didn't get upset and just plain had no communication with him unless it was about the children and it had to be email (wouldn't anwser his phone calls.) It came down to him wreaking havoc on himself and just plain looking bad to his kids all my himself. My sons now know what is true and what isn't. They have respect for me and I have taught them about talking bad about people.

I know if is difficult at first to not say anything but the outcome is sooooo sweet!

LaTeeDa

They are in the middle. They see him being angry, then you crying. They probably also see you being angry. It's a very confusing place to be. I remember as a child feeling pulled apart. I felt like I had to take sides. By engaging with your AH in the presence of the children you are putting them in a position of taking sides. You even express frustration about the older boy taking his father's side.

Your children are definitely being hurt by this situation. It is impossible to "shield" them from it if they are right in the middle of it. Go check out the ACOA board if you want to know how growing up in this type of situation affects people later in life. It's not pretty.

L

Barbara52

So if you can see this situation is harming you and harming the kids, why is it you are staying in it?

cyclelady

I have made baby steps to start to move on. I have put my car up for sale (i cant afford it on my own) I have had a real estate agent come to the house and give me a fair market apprasial, to even see if we should sell the house. I am contacting an attorney today to see about making a plan. I'm going little by little but I'm going.
It just hurts.

Barbara52

It does hurt! Even in the most amicable split it hurts. But you deserve so much better than what you have and so do your children.

Limerick37

Cyclelady - I can't know what it is to walk in your shoes...but I have to echo what other posters have said. Please get the kids (stepson included) to Alateen...I see what has happened to my nieces and nephews (17, 16, 11 and 6). The 16 year old has asked her mother to divorce her father, because "life is so much more peaceful when he is not here", while the 17 year old has cried to me about how fearful she is that her parents will divorce, her father will collapse from drinking and drug overdoses out on the street instead of at home where she can hide it. This girl, who is delightful, a great student, a star on her track team, has had to rouse her father from a seizure and take her then 4 year-old brother out of the bath when she found her father asleep on the toilet. They have never been to Al-Anon (Mother will not take them) - and as wonderful as they are, they are "messed up" - I suppose for life. Do damage control for your kids and yourself! You are in my thoughts and prayers - I cannot imagine how difficult your situation is, but please get the kids to a place where they can see that they are not alone, and that they are not responsible for their dad's illness.

LucyA

He can see it, he just doesn't want to admit that his own dad is less than perfect. It doesn't matter how old he is, my nephew is 11 and he lies about his dads drinking, my mum is 62 and she does the same. He can't feel your pain because it's yours to feel, he's feeling his own.

I've found that keeping calm and actually discussing it with my nephew does work, for both of us. He knows he's not alone with his pain and thoughts, and he knows I'm there for him to share it if he wants to. My nephew also goes to counselling and has seemed to cope much better since he started.

Stubborn1

Kids need to be educated about alcoholism but "how" depends on their age. Children shouldn't know about adult problems to a certain extent. You def shouldn't expect a child to understand anything about what their father is doing.
The last thing I want my son doing is growing up and treating a woman like that. We only have a few short years to instill values and morals in them.
The saying children learn what they live is true.
Baby steps are good for you but you need one giant one for them. Treat that man as if he is the worst plague on this earth and your children can catch it even if remotley close to him.