EmotionalMeg

Hi guys,
I am doing well in my recovery, and my husband G is doing well in his - he reached 90 days on Friday . But, I am afraid, our relationship is suffering; we do well on our own, but together we struggle so much.

I have been feeling just awful in the past couple of weeks. First, was my "time" of the month, then a nasty head cold, and to top it all off, a bladder infection... they say that your mental state can play a big role in your health, and I am beginning to believe them. The infection was quite painful, and I am now on antibiotics and painkillers for the symptoms; so needless to say, G and I have not been too "intimate" of late. I wanted someone to coddle and take care of me, HE always wants that - neither of us budged an inch. And yesterday, in my "guilt" , I suggested that Saturday night be a quiet and romantic night for the two of us. We rented movies, popped popcorn... and headed to bed. He wanted sex, I wasn't comfortable with that (infection etc), and we ended up fighting. Well, if the truth be told, HE yelled at me and I went to the living room and cried. Now, I wouldn't be honest if I made him out to be the BAD guy in all of this - for the most part, he is not understanding me.

As I sat on the couch and bawled, all my intimacy issues surfaced... It is not comfortable for me to be close to anyone; not my mother, not my father, not my sis, not my friends, and sadly, not my husband either. Partly, my subconscience reminds me in "intimate" situations that I am not worthy of attention, and partly, it reminds me that I will get hurt; there is a HUGE wall there. It is getting to the point in our marriage that these issues are going to be what tears us apart... I need help to sort through this. I WISH so much that G was the type of guy who was more willing to get into my head - to want to nuture and support me... there I was crying my eyes out on the couch, and he was pretending to sleep just a few rooms away. I wanted to talk, and have someone listen... but I didn't have a soul - just my crazy self.

And its always been that way. Since I was 19, I was left on my own. My father and stepmother split up when I was 19, and father moved out of the COUNTRY! My stepmother, not wanting the burden of a teenage delinquant at HER home, kicked me out. My sis lived in the next town, and my mother had been gone for years. Talk about being left on my own; I WANT to hate them all so much for leaving me like that... TOLD ya I had issues .

I truly need help... I need to get myself into some serious therapy, tho I live in a remote area. I am 2 hours away from any metropolis where such help is available. I don't want to continue to cling on to all this negativity and I want to heal, and move on - I deserve a life. And I am very scared for G and I. I want our marriage to work, but I am afraid that his issues and my issues are too much - perhaps too much damage has been done, opr perhaps after all the healing and repair there will be nothing left for us.

Thanks for listening guys, it helps to get this all out
Talk toya soon
Meg

journeygal

((((((Meg))))))))

I know how it feels to look at the person you're with and wish they could provide all the love and nurturing that you deserve and didn't get from those who should have given it to you. I was with someone for seven years who was as emotionally unavailable as my mom, and as much as I wanted him to, he could never fill that void inside me. Actually, no one has really been able to. I have my own issues in that area.... But therapy has really helped me deal with a lot of my demons. And the more progress I made, the better my marriage became. I hope you can find someone who will help you as well.

Keep hanging in there.

Hugs,
JG

Sarah2003

(((((((Meg)))))))))

My heart goes out to you. I feel the pain in your post.

I'm having some similar issues and am seeing a therapist and AH and I have had a couple of joint sessions. We've been separated for six months, and have not been intimate. I have those walls around me and cannot open up. The therapy is helping, and I think it's because my husband is really trying hard, wanting to make this work. He wants to learn to become a better person, a better friend, a better father, a better son, a better spouse.

Before we separated, and I was close to filing for D, our intimacy times simply consisted of sex. No affection, no cuddling, no love-making. Afterwards, I would do what you did the other night. Leave the room and cry. I was so very lonely.

In therapy, I'm learning to set boundaries on what is and what is not acceptable, and it's my job to communicate those to him. He cannot read my mind. And he is expected to respect my boundaries.

Have you considered joint marriage counseling with your husband? I know it must be difficult for you, living so far from a city that would offer those kinds of services. It just sounds like you could really benefit in having those kinds of discussions with a good marriage counselor....one who also understands alcoholism.

Take care, Meg. I'm thinking of you,

S

NoDoubt

**********{Meg}}}}}}

I wish I could reach through this keyboard and give you a hug.

Counseling together wouldn't hurt. I understand you don't live in a populated area but maybe there is someone. Hey, you never know. Could be just the thing!

I wish things were going better for you. 90 days sobriety is great!!! My husband just hit 120.

Take care!!!

NoDoubt

jojo

Meg -

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad.

We can take the alcoholism right out of the equation of men and women. Men just don't get women. They do not understand us and I think that that most men really don't want to - we are far too complicated for mortal men!!!!!!!!! We want to get inside their heads and figure out what makes them tick. Why don't they want to do the same? I think that most women think that men should know what we want or need without our having to tell them every little thing but they just don't.

That said - now what do we do? If we have a husband that is willing to listen, maybe we should just come out and tell him what we need to make us feel good. Isn't it funny that we will tell a girlfriend things that we would never tell him?

I, like you, have protected myself emotionally from others all of my adulit life - too many losses in too short a period of time. The only ones I couldn't do that with were my kids. Over the years I have gotten some help with that issue but I am 57 now and will probably go to my grave still protecting myself somewhat.

I think that it is great that you are recognizing what is going on with you and have the strong desire to get help with this painful problem. Sometimes just confiding in a friend or a complete stranger that you will never meet again can start the ball rolling. Get the pain out in front of you. Quit hiding it away until the times that it becomes to painful to keep locked up.

Even if there isn't counselling available where you live, maybe you could make a trip to the city even once a month. Please just start somewhere Meg. It will make you feel so much better. It will make you a better parent, a better person, a better everything because you will learn to feel so much better about yourself. From what I know of you from this site, you are already a wonderful woman and you deserve to be able to live your life with the ability to love to the fullest. Don't be afraid !

Jo

PS Thanks for your post to my last thread. I'm going to try for a "miracle" for you too!!!!!

EmotionalMeg

Thank you so much; all of you,
I didn't realize how much pain I was feeling until I reread my post... your mind does that sometimes; It helps you to numb the pain by keeping busy, and eventually you forget what it was you were feeling so bad about.

But it resurfaces; it always does. And perhaps, as if it was a blessing in disguise, it is always the same pain. Each time I break down emotionally, the same issues arise... I am now recognizing where it is that my true pain lives. Somehow, and hopefully sometime soon, I have to deal with all of the emotions surrounding my mother and the rest of my family. I have become a product of my past, but I am DONE making excuses for the way I am... I want to heal and move on.

So, I am very grateful for all of the encouragement and support you have given. The message has come through loud and clear... I have to find a way. I will call the mental health office in my town tomorrow, and get the ball rolling.

G and I had a pretty good day, considering the blow-out last night. I told him this morning that I had a few apologies to make to him; I always assume he should know what I am feeling, and what to do about it. But, he said that he didn't want apologies... that he himself was in a "state", and that HE was sorry for overreacting. We cuddled on the couch tonight... we tried to begin again... I am hopeful.

It is probably true, as you said, that he will not ever be the type to "figure me out"... OR the type to WANT to get in my head. I am beginning to believe that I have to accept this, and that if I can begin healing my OWN heart, things will fall into place. Again... I am hopeful.

Thanks so much guys... I feel better today, and I wish there were such things as "virtual hugs"
Take care
Meg