funkzter

Hi my friends,

My heart is heavy today yet again everytime i write in SR! I think i GOT to also write when i'm in high spirit or else you'll think i'm always in that dark tunnel which, thankfully, i'm not:bounce

Sooo, Rain hasn't written any letters AT ALL since he got to rehab 3 months ago (just realized it's exactly 3 months today). I know he's doing a lot of pondering and praying but how hard is it to write one letter to a loved one???Especially a loved one who just had your baby daughter???!!! It's just something i can't understand. He says it's because there is no point of doing so because they read the letters before sending out so it can't be personal. What kind of lame excuse is that? What about he just writes "i think of you two". I don't ask for much, just to know that we're still part of his life. Or else, what's the point for me to wait? I mean, 1 year is a looooong time!!!
Anyway, i have decided that if i don't receive any news until then, i won't go see him on the planned 4th Oct. I'll be too frustrated and upset with him anyway.

Thanks for listening
Carine

Ladybugg

((carine) I am sorry that you are feeling down about this...who wouldn't. You know Rain loves you and the baby. Try and not worry about this too much.

BBD

I really feel when they are in rehab that the counselors have them centering on themselves. And thats exactly what you want?? So he'll come out healthy and ready to face the world a better man, father and hubby. Hang in there sweety and let him focus on himself for a bit..big hugs, Bonnie

helpus

(((Funk))) I'm sorry for the hurt you are feeling. In rehab they do frown upon relatinships so the person can work on themselves. If it is ment to be things will work out in the end. In the mean time you have the cuttest baby in the world (next to my grandson of cousre) to take care of. Do what you need to do for you and your lil princess, & see what follows. The first year with a baby is sooo amazing. I hope you don't let the disapointment w/ Rain cloud your joy with the baby. Things just happen soo fast, enjoy!!!

lightseeker

Funk -

I hear you girl and get where you are coming from. I don't care how much you focus on your recovery there should be time to communicate with your family. In rehabs there is the focus on "you" but they certainly encourage continued relationships that are supportive. Addicts with a supportive (in the anon way) family statistically do better than those that don't. All I heard at AA was to not get involved in a new relationship the first year - no word about just detaching from the old ones unless it threatens your sobriety. Maybe ya'll can talk more about this when you see him in Oct.

I know that you have put so much into this relationship but also have done a good job at maintaining your own life. I would be hurt and frustrated too (as well as angry). Trust that you are being shown the things that you need to see. At times like this I ask what my HP is attempting to teach me through this experience.

A year is a long time....live this year so that no matter what happens when he gets out you've lived it so that you don't have any resentments.

Take care of yourself and your baby!

baxter

Boy, it sure is easy to get caught up in that "eye for an eye" bit. First, he won't write so you don't visit, you don't visit so he feels he doesn't need to write, and he won't write so you don't visit. And on and on it goes, round and round. You don't want to spend the next year in that kind of cycle. Your daughter needs you now and Rain needs to work on himself to be there for the two of you when he gets out.

She's going to change and grow so much in her first year. Get yourself going on keeping a record of that to share with Rain when he gets out. If you keep worrying about the letters you'll miss as much of it as he is.

Enjoy it all!!!!!

Hugs,

splendra

((((((Carine)))))

funkzter

Thanks my friends for your support.

You know, i'd feel better if i had 100% confidence in the rehab. As i briefly mentioned before, this rehab is Christian rehab. I have nothing against religion but i do feel a bit unconfortable with the idea that the whole one year there will be entirely turned to Jesus. No twelve steps, no counselor, no, everything Jesus Jesus...
Anyway, i know at the end of the day that, if Rain really wants to make it, he'll make it no matter where he is.

((Ladybugg)) Thanks for your kind words, i do know Rain loves me, he tells me so when i go visit, but it's like an evidence to him and not as evident to me anymore. I'm like a little girl, fishing for compliments & needing constant reassuring -geez...

((Bonnie)) Thanks dear, as mentioned above i'd feel more confortable if indeed a counselor was following-up...But well, maybe he will turn healthier and readier to be a good daddy & hubby xox

((Helpus)) Okay Mia is so generous that she can share the 1st position with your grandson, isn't she great? ;P Don't worry about me letting Rain's "things" shadow my joy to have her: i cherish everyday with her!!

((Lightseeker)) thanks again for your wisdom! I don't think this rehab is really against relationship, but i do think that they definitely want Jesus to be Rain's first priority (before his recovery!! they told me so...sigh) Anyway, they for sure don't help for couples as all meetings are supervised (once per month) and no phone calls allowed But well, here i am complaining again ;P i'll make sure to still enjoy this year, trust me!

((Baxter)) you're right it's kinda "an eye for an eye" and it does seem childish but well that's how i feel: i don't see why i'll make all the effort of writing and going see him when he does none in return. Don't worry, i do keep record of how fast Mia grows and have a cute lit' book to share with daddy when he's back.

((Splendra)) Thanks for the hugs girl! Hope you're okay x

Just noticed: it's funny as all of you are from the "old crew" back 2004/2005 (and early 2006 for Helpus!) love u all!!

Stubborn1

Go visit him hun. My brother just went to one of those rehabs where it was Jesus Jesus Jesus and I was annoyed and I'm a Christian! With any person your A will take what he wants and leave the rest. You still be you.
My brother just recieved a lot of money for an accident and the rehab told him he had to give it ALL to them or he had to leave. So he left! He had been there almost six months, he gave his time to them, built things for them, worked his butt off for them and now they wanted to take all of his money. Sorry but to me that sounds more like a cult. It would be different if they wanted 10% and asked.
I'm glad he's in a rehab especially when your daughter is so new. I'm sure he's feeling discouraged as well. A man doesn't want to ignore his daughter and her mother. Trust me! You should let him know you are proud of him for touging it out and how his daughter will be proud.
Don't punish him anymore then he already has been.
The visit will give you time to say what you need to.
If it's anything like the one my brother was at you can not touch them and there is someone standing or sitting with them. It's strange indeed.
Hang in there. Let's hope it will all be worth it.

funkzter

Hi stubborn1! hum you're a newbie! (but an active one! ouahh already 125 posts
Thanks for your words, i can't believe the rehab asked money from your brother!!! Indeed it sounds like a cult -that's what scares me about religion sometimes: the cult feeling-but that's another subject!
I don't think the rehab he's in is that bad: it's a government rehab and do all for free -even they're constructing a swimming pool and gym center there! Sometimes, also, they allow family to live there with the RA, around the last months, but i really can't picture living there, i think i'd go insane!
Anyway, i'm not trying to punish him but it's very hard as i've been supportig him for so long (8 years, nearly 9 now) and i just need a bit back. But in the meantime i did write to him that i was proud of him yadayada...
We'll see, i'll ponder it all ;P
thanks
x

Ladybugg

I really like the thing lightseeker said
Take care Corine...remember to put yourself first...after that sweet baby of course

itisatruth

((Carine)) Sorry I missed this...hope you are doing well. IMHO, and I mean humble opinion, it seems like we, loved ones of addicts, so often do things we are not totally comfortable with because we hope/think it will help them. Guess what I'm saying is, I hope whatever you choose to do, you do it because you feel it's best for you...it's what you need/want. As far as the no letter thing, I do feel he should write, but it sounds like he has some strong resentments towards being there and having them control so much. It isn't about you....it's about how HE is feeling. Unfortunately, it seems you are receiving some of that.....hugs and stay strong...rica

funkzter

((Rica)) thanks for your support
i have been better but working on it!
you're right, sometimes i've done things for him before my own good but most of the times i did what i felt confortable with and rarely went above limits.. Actually not going to visit him is punishing me probably than punishing him, probably. I realized today that it makes me sad not to see him. and i don't like that. i'll see how i feel this week.
hope you're fine
xoxo

pjbs55

Carine,
Not seeing or hearing anything from Rain for a month must be very hard. I would be upset too. But Mia needs to know her dad even if it is only for a short time once a month, just to feel him hold her and to get his smell. Do what is best for you, this month is almost over and in a short time you will feel better. It seems that when you write it is almost near the end of the month, and you are feeling lonely and sad for not hearing from him. Ask him to write that he misses you and Mia. If he did that once in a while I'm sure it would be better. The rehab would not have anything to take out since he isn't saying anything else.
Sending you and Mia big hugs,
Take care of yourself and her,
Your other mum

rozied

(((Carine)))
Sorry I got in on this late. Oh Well better late than never!
I would be upset with him too. How hard is it to write a few lines to a loved one.
Honey focus on yourself & your baby. Nine more months is a long time to wait. Live your life as if your NOT waiting. If someone nice comes along in the meantime be open to it.
You have waited for this guy to get his act together for a very long time.

Love & HUGH Hugs,
Diane

funkzter

((Pam)) hi mum2! I was actually thinking that if i don't go see him then i'll punish not only Rain & myself but, most importantly, Mia. And that's probably what will make me pick up the phone and take an appt for coming WE. But i swear that if he doesn't even give me news for my coming bday then i'll visit him in a rather fool mood...
And you're right, it is indeed end of the month that i feel more down but, once i see him, it gives me energy for at least 2 weeks (usually, but i might get tired of it!)
xoxo

((Diane)) Just read your post about your son. Glad you received news and that he feels confident enough to be able to talk his true feelings to you. That's a huge step
I'll live this year to the fullest and we'll see how it goes. Though i'm pretty sure i won't be ready for "another man" as my heart is still 100% taken, and having a baby with him makes it even harder to move on...

Thanks girls xx

Stubborn1

Yes I am an active newbie. hahaha I had an old forum I used to go to but it got "bought out" and became dead so I came here. I think I was here years ago but don't remember the old screen name. I don't know why I left. I think just years of talking about it and I didn't want to live in it anymore. We all go through our stages. I've been through several computers thanks to lightening. hahaha
I might be new to the forum but have had tooooo many experiences. I'm not shy by any means. lol

marle

Hey Carine, sorry that I missed this. It is a heavy load to bear when an addict is in recovery. Sometimes with my daughter it is more stressful than when she was using. I pray that the year goes by fast,(but not too fast so that you can enjoy all of the great milestones with your baby) that Rain comes out a better person than before addiction and that you, he and your beautiful daughter have a great life together. You have been through so much that you really deserve happiness. Hugs, Marle

sleepygoat

If he signed a release for you to speak with counselor, do so. Everything I know about rehabs tells me the model is for maximum involvement of family (family disease and all that). That's not to say that the addict in rehab should be focussed on the family all the time, but there should be dialogue certainly between the family and a family counselor at the facility and/or the patient's counselor frequently, sessions for family to learn and participate, and tons of discharge planning involving family. If this isn't happening, ask why(?) to the facility.... the only legitimate reason for lack of family involvement is if the addict does not wish to return to the family and has not signed release for them to be involved or recieve any info on him. If that is NOT the case, you need to contact this place ASAP and find out what's going on.