Tina114

Hello,
Please can someone identify with me, i am new here and need to talk. I have lived with Alcoholism and Gambling most of my married life, my husband has been in three different treatment centres staying dry for periods to keep out of trouble. One time he stayed dry for six years but turned to gambling, i am coming and going in Alanon all this time and to be honest staying away as i get dishearted. The last treatment centre he went into for himself was five years ago and we went through aftercare together, life was great i cherished every day with this new man, the violence and verbal abuse was gone but sadly over the last year the old him has returned with stinking thinking and constant verbal abuse mostly about money, we live on disability as he retired through ill health thirteen years ago (this part is a very long story).I worked hard all the years and was very good to him.
Money was always his god and i am blamed for everything. He says he can do no more he attends four to five meetings a week but it is always about him. Even during the short good times i had with him his head didn't really improve, it is like a sieve. This is what really gets to me, he is a master of instantly blotting out anything unpleasent that he does and turns it on me he says he has a short term memory problem but some of my friends say that is an excuse. Last Monday he became very agressive and accused me or our son of stealing €250 that his sister paid him for doing a small job for her, he hid it away somewhere in the house as this was his money and he tells himself that i don't like to see him with money that i want everything he has, he never got out of the habit of hiding money away, i am surmising that he has mislaid it, anyway he called me a f------ thief that i stole his money and when i reacted with my finger to tell him how dare he say that to me he got violent and when my son aged 25 came to my help he got it also, he hit him with a shovel in the back, i know this is ugly so i will stop here, but what frustrates me is that he sees no wrong in what he did but the wrong was done to him over his money, he said sorry to my son after four days but that was because the reality set in when my other son told him it was reported to the police. I don't want to speak to him but that is not bothering him at all, he is attending his meetings and when he comes home he is on his dignity as if he was the victim. Can anyone identify with me, can someone be so involved with themselves that they can blot out this carry on and not be ashamed or remorseful, what kind of brain has he got, when my other son asked him to tell what had happened he told a different story he makes himself believe it to be what happened. As long as one of my sons speaks to him he feels great it does not bother him that i don't and that is how i feel right now whether it is right or wrong. Can someone figure him out for me, i know i am in his head right now and i have worked so hard on this but i would just love someone to tell me what makes him tick. Thank you for listening,
Sincerely,
Tina.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Tina.

Welcome to the forums! I wish we could figure him out for you. But it really doesn't matter why he does the things he does. He does them. Knowing why doesn't make it any easier to live with. It is frightening that he's turning violent. I would urge you to make sure you have someplace safe to go when he gets in such a state. If he doesn't see that it was wrong to strike someone with a shovel that's pretty extreme. It sounds like he needs professional help, and if he doesn't get it, I wonder about your safety. Please do whatever it takes to make sure you are not on the receiving end of irrational violence.

Hugs,
Smoke

liddy

Hi Tina
also wanted to welcome you .
sorry for the pain you are going through and although
my own story that brought me to the rooms of alanon
are different then yours, we share the hurt that alcoholism
brings.
You will find that sharing here is a safe good way to share
your thoughts and you will feel the concern and love by others.
Remember that alanon will not solve all your problems but will
certainly lead the way to a happier life for yourself whether
you choose to stay or leave a relationship is up to you.

Smoke left you with thoughts to be sure and have a safe place
it seems this man has some serious emotional problems of his
own. We must always remove ourselves from violence.
Take good care of you Tina, we care,
liddy

Tina114

Thank you so much for your replys Liddy and Smoke.
Yes i know only too well his problems. I have stayed too long and like many others became addicted and codependant, i am fully aware of my own issues. I thought i had progressed beyond how i feel right now but i know what happened last week have brought me back some, we did go to the police so it is on file, my husband knows this but as i explained he is not ashamed he seems to put up this front and can also blot this out.
Right now i will have to get out of his head, not easy, i am so lucky to have found the tools to cope all those years ago even with this right now i have an awful sense of lonliness as the Alanon group i go to don't have contact outside the meeting, it has about ten regular members for about twenty years, we all live in a small town near one another but no one would phone me, when they know there is violence they don't want to get involved, yes i can understand this but none of them have had violence and if only they could understand that a caring voice makes a big difference. At the moment i am working at trying to hand my day over to my higher power most of the time i take this back but i'm lucky in that i am aware of what i can do. I just wish i was strong enough to come unglued from this man and not take everything he says as a hurt, at the moment he seems to have power over us i also have to work on this one.I am a bit confused with myself regarding working the program as he is trying to manipulate me to forget last week and when i don't speak to him he tells me i am the sick person that he is going to all his meetings, he has not even said sorry and this takes my self worth away, well to both of you thank you so much for your reply
it is a comfort to me and i will stay here and keep in touch.
Sincerely,
Tina.

Ann

Tina

I just want to welcome you too and to offer my prayers that you can keep yourself safe.

You can't change him but you can change yourself and your part in all this. You don't have to be a victim and you don't deserve any of his abuse, verbal or physical.

Please get some help for yourself and have an emergency escape plan ready.

And know we are here for you anytime and that we care.

Hugs
Ann

Tina114

Thank you Ann for your quick reply and your care it helps me so much. I have just come back from Women's refuge centre, they were most helpful, i am going to their support group meetings, one night a week, i hope to find myself and my self worth again, i have to pray for help to find courage to change.
I was doing so well, even lost 24lbs since Christmas and even though i was shattered over this recent event i am still motivated so i suppose i have made some progress. I will keep in touch with this forum daily and again thank you all so much.
Sincerely,
Tina.