When Gerbils Attack
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Join Date: Aug 2008
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When Gerbils Attack
So I kind of lost my mind this weekend. The gerbils where spinning nicely on the wheel in my head and life was not perfect but I was getting there until I had a very ugly conversation on Friday evening with my trying to be recovering sibling. My sibling attacked me for the demise of my siblings marriage stating that it was my fault the spouse started going to Al Anon, I said awful things about my sib, made my sib out to be a monster, etc. My phone did not stop ringing until about seven on Saturday when I finally said, OK what the hell, finish your ranting and blaming so I don't have to keep turning my phone off.
We had a fairly decent talk, in fact we talked until the battery in my phone completely died. We both have a very long way to go. I never realized the predominance of alcoholism in our family until recently. I was very young when I left home. I hear things now that bring back vague memories and am startled to say the least. My parents never drank, they had other issues that caused my early departure.
Friday night was so hard, I have not felt so very alone in a long time. The sib was always a favorite for me, we both took care of each other growing up and the bitterness and ugliness left me desolate. The STBXAH always cushioned the affect of those calls and now is well, now. I have to deal with it on my own. I did not do very well but such is life. Maybe I will do better next time or maybe I will become an emotional mess again. I figure if I become an emotional mess then I probably need to. I am way to good at keeping a lid on things when I should just speak my mind. Um maybe not speak my mind but say what I am feeling
So for some odd reason, I guess because I am odd, last night I started cleaning the apartment. It was about ten or eleven and I just got a second wind. I walked the dog, vacuumed, dusted. I walked up to the store after that to get some cigarettes and it hit me. I cleaned the house at what would usually have been a time that would have earned me world war three (why are you cleaning the house NOW, you have been home since six! I need sleep, etc) went to the store without any reason or excuse to get out of the house, just because I needed something and I could go get it without a bunch of BS.
I don't think I have a ways to go before the gerbils stop spinning off their little wheel in my head but I think they are getting better traction every day.
We had a fairly decent talk, in fact we talked until the battery in my phone completely died. We both have a very long way to go. I never realized the predominance of alcoholism in our family until recently. I was very young when I left home. I hear things now that bring back vague memories and am startled to say the least. My parents never drank, they had other issues that caused my early departure.
Friday night was so hard, I have not felt so very alone in a long time. The sib was always a favorite for me, we both took care of each other growing up and the bitterness and ugliness left me desolate. The STBXAH always cushioned the affect of those calls and now is well, now. I have to deal with it on my own. I did not do very well but such is life. Maybe I will do better next time or maybe I will become an emotional mess again. I figure if I become an emotional mess then I probably need to. I am way to good at keeping a lid on things when I should just speak my mind. Um maybe not speak my mind but say what I am feeling
So for some odd reason, I guess because I am odd, last night I started cleaning the apartment. It was about ten or eleven and I just got a second wind. I walked the dog, vacuumed, dusted. I walked up to the store after that to get some cigarettes and it hit me. I cleaned the house at what would usually have been a time that would have earned me world war three (why are you cleaning the house NOW, you have been home since six! I need sleep, etc) went to the store without any reason or excuse to get out of the house, just because I needed something and I could go get it without a bunch of BS.
I don't think I have a ways to go before the gerbils stop spinning off their little wheel in my head but I think they are getting better traction every day.
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