Need to vent

Old 09-23-2008, 01:11 PM
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Need to vent

I think I have truly have had it. My whole life is falling apart. Our business has been on the verge of bankruptcy for some time. We have done everything to fight it. Our financial advisor is not returning calls. He said he had a very interested investor. He avoided my calls all last week and then Sun nite I spoke with him he said he would set up a meeting and call Monday no call and he is not answering his cell. The credititors are calling, my home is attached to the business. A year and a half ago my spouse talked me in to buying a large home and expensive he never let up on me. I finally gave in reason being was we have limited storage space and this home had a lot of property to store one of his suppliers goods on it. I said what happens if you loose the contract he said for once in your life trust me. he put in a firm offer on the house and lo and behold he lost the contract even before we moved in. needless to say we moved in and put it up for sale. We now have a smaller home with double the mortgage we had on our first home. he also got an impaired charge right around that time. Today he shows up for work drunk unbelievable, I went in to panic mode and drove him home. On the way home he says " so what I work hard all business owners get drunk" He will not admit to being an alcoholic because he functions at work. he only gets drunk twice a week and now he has taking up smoking pot. We are in the most crisis we have ever been typicall alcoholic cant deal with it and comes to work drunk. I have been driving him for a year believe me if we didnt have the business he could walk. He said to me today " oh when you had lots of money I was great" thats not true alcohol has always been an issue in our relationship. Today I get a call from one of those shady cheque cashing places it turns out an old cheque has come forward and one of AS friends has tried to cash it. Of course when I call AS he says he knows nothing about it. LOL.
Im 45 years old I feel like everything is falling apart my whole life and family. I am so angry with my spouse over the house, but I could get past that if he were not drinking. He has no idea what a fool he makes of himself and the disrespect he gets. Im sorry this is so long I really needed to vent today. Not going home tonite I am going to a motel. I will have to pick him up at 6:30 so he can get to work. I am just so tired and burnt out.
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Old 09-23-2008, 01:22 PM
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Hi Katie--
Wow. You're really going through the eye of the needle right now. You sound like a strong person though and once you get all the sh*t cleared up (you can include whatever in that list!) I bet you can get something good happening in your life - phoenix rising out of the ashes!

Probably because you appear so strong - or ARE so strong - you don't often get offered much help or sympathy from folks around you. I see this alot in codies (myself included). I hope you can reach out to a friend for some comfort, or at least continue to try and take care of YOU FIRST!!

Peace,
B.
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Old 09-23-2008, 01:48 PM
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You really are going through it, but,
What happens if you dont pick him up at 6.30?
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Old 09-23-2008, 06:21 PM
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I have been through almost exactly what you are going through. My ex AH was horrible with money, all I can offer is that it won't get any better until he recovers (or you get out of the situation). I'll tell my story so you can see how bad it can really get.

In the year after our son was born and I was working part time my ex ran up credit cards, bought a snowmobile on credit, bought furniture on credit, bought a car USING A CREDIT CARD!

We had equity in our home (thanks to me making extra payments and the large down payment my grandparents gifted us with) so I refi'd the house, paid the cards and made him sell the toys. So now we had two mortgages (we still had a lot of equity)and when I tried to get him to live on a budget he ran the cards up again.

When I stopped paying on them he just took money out of the bank, we missed two house payments and the bank foreclosed after only 60 days! (because we had equity and they would make money). We filed BK and got the house back then stopped the BK, I made the A take money out of his 401k to refi the house (I found a private investor to give us a mortgage).

I let all the credit cards go to collections (at least then he could not borrow money) and I changed careers, soon my pay exceeded the A's. After a few lean years (many times my family helped me out) I refi'd the house again and paid off all the collection accounts and repaired MY credit.

Somewhere in the middle of all this the A was downsized and given severance, he sat at home for 5 months until the severance ran out, then took another 4 to find a job (different job with the same company, he actually got all of seniority back!).

His new job was union and seasonal he started taking voluntary layoff whenever he could (of course he didn't tell me it was voluntary, I found that out later). At one point I made 4 TIMES as much money as he did yet it was always my fault that he drank and was depressed.

During this time I was at least smart enough not to have any joint credit cards or debts with him and refused to pay any debt he ran up but many times he drained our bank account and I had to scamble to pay bills.

My HP was looking out for me because when we moved into a newer, bigger house (paid for by me) 2 years ago, the mortgage company refused to put him on the mortgage, when I threw him out he could not take the house nor did I have to refi to get his name off, I let him keep his 401k and his pension and said good riddance.

Now he has to work OT just to afford his "lifestyle" .
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Old 09-23-2008, 06:37 PM
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Can you file bankruptsy? File for divorce and have the assets frozen? Just some options.
Sounds like you could live on your own just fine if you chose that.
(HUGS)
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Old 09-24-2008, 12:04 AM
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Hi Katie - Just to let you know that you are in my prayers for the day. Your situation sounds so much like my sister's - always teetering on the brink of financial disaster, her AH having tapped into and wasted money that she inherited, and he hasn't worked in over a year due to alchoholism and prescription drug abuse. THe failing economy doesn't help, although he is extremely picky about employment - wants the "right" job for him rather than taking something that would at least contribute towards the bills. I am struck by what Bernadette said in her post, because you remind me of my sister - strong, able to shoulder a lot, keeping the whole show on the road, never showing vulnerability - so that sometimes people don't know how to help or even that help is needed. I can only offer you prayers and positive thoughts, but would recommend AlAnon (assuming you don't already attend) and this forum as a place for some sanity in your life while you figure out how to handle this in the way that is healthiest for you.
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Old 09-24-2008, 06:14 AM
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Thankyou for your replies. If I didnt pick him up at 6:30 am he would not have a way to work. We have had to lay off our manager so he has to be here ( unfortunately) I am starting to realize after all these years that alcoholics seem to make rash decisions. Like him purchasing the big fancy home with the storage without looking at the possibilities of what could happen. I wonder if many of them are like that? I truly could kick my self for it. We had a lot of equity in our first home to pay off the debt so in turn if the business did go bankrupt we would still have our home and no personal debt.
All I can think of is how he said " for once in your life trust me" I was a fool and so wrapped up in AS and a sick mother at the time I just gave in.
Have had enough thankyou for sharing your story. In Ontario a bankruptcy you can not own your own home ( meaning personal bankruptcy). I know I will figure out a way to get out of this mess its just exhausting. Its like you work your whole life and it collapses. There are so many other people worse off. I have always considered my self strong, but I feel like no light at the end of the tunnel. Is it a trait of alcoholics to act on instinct instead of thinking things through? Sorry I posted twice I didnt think the first one went through and had to redo it.
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