New to Posting - Letting him fall
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
New to Posting - Letting him fall
I have been reading the posts for a long time, but this is my first time posting.
My husband has mental illness (schizoaffective disorder with biopolar subtype) along with addiction/alcoholism. Before we met, his mental illness went untreated for 14 years, and he self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. As we went through the trial and error of finding the right med mix for his mental illness, his using gradually decreased. In May, we finally found the right mix that kept him stable everyday. But we still seemed to have sporadic issues with drug/alcohol use, which is unacceptable as they cause his mental illness to become unstable. I had set the boundaries of what behavior I would and would not accept, and he violated them once again, became violent once again, and I made him leave.
He had nowhere to go (parents won't let him back in their house), so he is living at the homeless shelter (as far as I know).
I told him he HAS to solve his drug and alcohol issues, especially because of his mental illness, and that he needs to go to meetings and work a program. I told him I could not consider trying to put our marriage back together until he had done at least 90/90, had a sponsor, and was actively working a recovery program.
He says he is perfectly willing to go to meetings, but only if I go with him. I work full time during the day, so I would have to spend all of my nights going to meetings with him.
I know its an excuse. That he does not yet want recovery for himself enough to pursue a recovery program on his own. Makes me so sad.
It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he doesn't want to get well, but I am trying to force myself. He has to want it for himself. He has to fall low enough to want to climb back out - by himself. Nothing will ever change until he wants it for himself.
Every day is so hard. I miss him so much. Letting go and letting God is SO HARD. Trusting the process is agony. I keep reminding myself, I am letting go because I love him. I am letting him fall because I love him. And because I love myself enough not to live in that insanity anymore.
I guess I just needed to share my story. I have been reading y'alls for so long
My husband has mental illness (schizoaffective disorder with biopolar subtype) along with addiction/alcoholism. Before we met, his mental illness went untreated for 14 years, and he self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. As we went through the trial and error of finding the right med mix for his mental illness, his using gradually decreased. In May, we finally found the right mix that kept him stable everyday. But we still seemed to have sporadic issues with drug/alcohol use, which is unacceptable as they cause his mental illness to become unstable. I had set the boundaries of what behavior I would and would not accept, and he violated them once again, became violent once again, and I made him leave.
He had nowhere to go (parents won't let him back in their house), so he is living at the homeless shelter (as far as I know).
I told him he HAS to solve his drug and alcohol issues, especially because of his mental illness, and that he needs to go to meetings and work a program. I told him I could not consider trying to put our marriage back together until he had done at least 90/90, had a sponsor, and was actively working a recovery program.
He says he is perfectly willing to go to meetings, but only if I go with him. I work full time during the day, so I would have to spend all of my nights going to meetings with him.
I know its an excuse. That he does not yet want recovery for himself enough to pursue a recovery program on his own. Makes me so sad.
It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he doesn't want to get well, but I am trying to force myself. He has to want it for himself. He has to fall low enough to want to climb back out - by himself. Nothing will ever change until he wants it for himself.
Every day is so hard. I miss him so much. Letting go and letting God is SO HARD. Trusting the process is agony. I keep reminding myself, I am letting go because I love him. I am letting him fall because I love him. And because I love myself enough not to live in that insanity anymore.
I guess I just needed to share my story. I have been reading y'alls for so long
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
It's hard to let a sick person go but if you don't you will be just as sick if not sicker.
You are right that he is grabbing at straws at this point. Letting go could make him better faster or end the enevitable.......that's up to him. It takes time but you will learn to do things for yourself.
Sometimes just speaking to them is enabling.
Take care of yourself.
You are right that he is grabbing at straws at this point. Letting go could make him better faster or end the enevitable.......that's up to him. It takes time but you will learn to do things for yourself.
Sometimes just speaking to them is enabling.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I got as sick as my ASs - I was addicted to them and they were addicted to drugs and alcohol. And I did all kinds of things to enable them - lie for them, bail them out of school problems (they were teenagers), not let them suffer any consequences, not sleep because I was worried about where they were (and almost lost my job because I couldn't concentrate), drive around to find them (until I was just to scared to go into those areas), blah, blah, blah.
I had to get into recovery for myself - through Alanon and Naranon - to get an education about drugs/alcohol, support and help in dealing with the situation.
If I had continued on the path I was on, I probably would have killed myself - or at least been put in the looney bin!
Today, 20+ years later, both sons are sober - and their Mother is sane and can participate in life with them.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I had to get into recovery for myself - through Alanon and Naranon - to get an education about drugs/alcohol, support and help in dealing with the situation.
If I had continued on the path I was on, I probably would have killed myself - or at least been put in the looney bin!
Today, 20+ years later, both sons are sober - and their Mother is sane and can participate in life with them.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Neecey,
Thanks for sharing your story. You sound sooo strong. I know you may not think you are, but sure as heck know the rights & wrongs for you and seem to keeping to your boundaries. Congrats.
Thanks for sharing your story. You sound sooo strong. I know you may not think you are, but sure as heck know the rights & wrongs for you and seem to keeping to your boundaries. Congrats.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!!
Although it is hard, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I'm a recovering addict (RA) and would have never sought recovery if I hadn't had to faced the consequences of my actions.
He is trying to manipulate you, and hold onto in any way he can. You may want to check out al-anon, for some f2f support, but you will also get a lot of support right here.
Keep taking care of you..it's hard, it hurts to let go, but it is the best thing for you both.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Although it is hard, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I'm a recovering addict (RA) and would have never sought recovery if I hadn't had to faced the consequences of my actions.
He is trying to manipulate you, and hold onto in any way he can. You may want to check out al-anon, for some f2f support, but you will also get a lot of support right here.
Keep taking care of you..it's hard, it hurts to let go, but it is the best thing for you both.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
Thank you all for your support, encouragement, and positive comments. Every little bit helps to reduce the guilt and doubt.
Impurrrrfect, if you don't mind my asking....you said I am absolutely doing the right thing. Can you more specifically tell me why I should not go to meetings with him (Besides the inconvenience to me)? I asked him why he would not go to meetings by himself. He said, (1) it just doesn't feel right when I'm not there with him, and (2) how would I even know he was going? He could tell me he was going, but how would I know? He said he would feel better if I went with him so I would know he was going. I do see a shred of logic in that argument.
This was my thought. As I was looking into the Alanon meetings, I noticed that most of them in my area have an AA meeting taking place at the same place and time. And I was thinking that if I am going to be out at night going to the Alanon meetings, why not take him and let him go to his meeting and me go to mine. I wouldn't be in there with him (doesn't fulfill his first argument, but oh well), I'd be attending to my own needs at my own meeting. But it would satisfy his second argument that I would know he was going.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Impurrrrfect, if you don't mind my asking....you said I am absolutely doing the right thing. Can you more specifically tell me why I should not go to meetings with him (Besides the inconvenience to me)? I asked him why he would not go to meetings by himself. He said, (1) it just doesn't feel right when I'm not there with him, and (2) how would I even know he was going? He could tell me he was going, but how would I know? He said he would feel better if I went with him so I would know he was going. I do see a shred of logic in that argument.
This was my thought. As I was looking into the Alanon meetings, I noticed that most of them in my area have an AA meeting taking place at the same place and time. And I was thinking that if I am going to be out at night going to the Alanon meetings, why not take him and let him go to his meeting and me go to mine. I wouldn't be in there with him (doesn't fulfill his first argument, but oh well), I'd be attending to my own needs at my own meeting. But it would satisfy his second argument that I would know he was going.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
You don't need to be his mother or his keeper. If he doesn't go to meetings then he doesn't go. You do not need to be there because that is not your program. If he is that insecure then he isn't ready. You can for sure go to your meetings and bring him to his IF that's what he's doing. Sure. Let him know it's only temporary and he needs to find a sponsor to lean on and maybe even a ride with one of the guys. You need to start letting go and stop letting him be so dependant on you.
He's letting you think you have control. You don't.
He's letting you think you have control. You don't.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Neecey. Your post was amazing. I'm so proud of you sticking with your boundaries. It is so hard to do that. Good job.
You don't have to go to his meetings. You shouldn't probably go to those meetings. He is trying to make your behavior a condition of his recovery. That's manipulation. That's not how recovery works. If he wants it he'll do it no matter what you do. We can only be responsible for our own behavior and choices.
I like what you send about both of you going to your own meetings at the same time. You really have some insightfulness into the situation and seem to know the drill. I'm impressed how you are willing to do the work you need to do in order to become a stronger person whether or not he chooses recovery! I hope you post more often.
:-)
You don't have to go to his meetings. You shouldn't probably go to those meetings. He is trying to make your behavior a condition of his recovery. That's manipulation. That's not how recovery works. If he wants it he'll do it no matter what you do. We can only be responsible for our own behavior and choices.
I like what you send about both of you going to your own meetings at the same time. You really have some insightfulness into the situation and seem to know the drill. I'm impressed how you are willing to do the work you need to do in order to become a stronger person whether or not he chooses recovery! I hope you post more often.
:-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
I didn't think I was trying to be in control. Maybe I was. Who knows anymore. He has always been super dependant on me, and I have always allowed him to be. I went from mothering for 20 years to being married to Mr. Dependant. Hardly anything changed for me. I was still doing all the waiting on and catering to and the work.
I made him leave because he drank and used, which caused him to become unstable and violent, and I absolutely will not live that way anymore. I do not want to end the marriage, but how else can I get some "reasonable" assurance (I know there are no guarantees, ever) of daily stability unless he works a program and learns how to leave this stuff behind for good. Him trying to resist on his own is obviously not cutting it. I cannot handle living in fear and anxiety that he might have used today and is unstable when I walk in the door at the end of the day. It is pure insanity.
So, is there no hope for sobriety if he won't work a program? Some preacher has been talking to him at the homeless shelter and picking him up to take him to services. The preacher keeps telling him he needs to get right with God. IMO, this is discouraging him from working a program. If he never works a program, how on earth will I ever know when its safe to try again?
I made him leave because he drank and used, which caused him to become unstable and violent, and I absolutely will not live that way anymore. I do not want to end the marriage, but how else can I get some "reasonable" assurance (I know there are no guarantees, ever) of daily stability unless he works a program and learns how to leave this stuff behind for good. Him trying to resist on his own is obviously not cutting it. I cannot handle living in fear and anxiety that he might have used today and is unstable when I walk in the door at the end of the day. It is pure insanity.
So, is there no hope for sobriety if he won't work a program? Some preacher has been talking to him at the homeless shelter and picking him up to take him to services. The preacher keeps telling him he needs to get right with God. IMO, this is discouraging him from working a program. If he never works a program, how on earth will I ever know when its safe to try again?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Focus on you. Go with your gut. You'll know. IMO, as long as he continues to try to manipulate you by making you a condition in his recovery, it's definitely NOT SAFE to try again.
I wish I could tell you when it might be safe again. But the bad news is that it might never be. The good news is that you can focus on you and building up your personal strength and intuition. You can recover from the negative effects his addiction had on you. And then you'll be better prepared for whatever he sends your way.
PS. I wouldn't worry too much about the God thing. If he uses that as an excuse as to why recovery isn't working for him... well it's just that. Another excuse as to why recovery isn't working for him. There's a million excuses out there. I used every one of them at one point or another. I used to be a big crack fiend at one time in my life and I can tell you that when I was finally ready to get off the stuff and recover, nobody - not God, not my family, not my boyfriend, not my job, not even the devil himself could stand in the way of my recovery.
I wish I could tell you when it might be safe again. But the bad news is that it might never be. The good news is that you can focus on you and building up your personal strength and intuition. You can recover from the negative effects his addiction had on you. And then you'll be better prepared for whatever he sends your way.
PS. I wouldn't worry too much about the God thing. If he uses that as an excuse as to why recovery isn't working for him... well it's just that. Another excuse as to why recovery isn't working for him. There's a million excuses out there. I used every one of them at one point or another. I used to be a big crack fiend at one time in my life and I can tell you that when I was finally ready to get off the stuff and recover, nobody - not God, not my family, not my boyfriend, not my job, not even the devil himself could stand in the way of my recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
hello-kitty and stubborn, thanks so much for your straight forward comments. When he keeps pushing the "I'll only go to meetings if you go with me", my gut ties up in knots. Big red truck.
I realize that it might never be safe again. That is up to him. I am mentally prepared for that possibility. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I will give him a year or so (not living in my house) to decide to seek recovery for himself, and then I will move on with my life. Of course, he can come home sooner and we can try again if he chooses to actively work sobriety.
I guess I was asking for what signs/signals to look for that we are moving in the direction of "safe". Before he put manipulative doubts in my head (big red truck), I always thought that I would be able to TELL that he was truly working a program - that there would be a change in him that I would be able to see - in his words, in his attitude, in his priorities, in his perspective. After thinking about his words, I see the manipulation. And what's fairly comical is I don't think he really gets it that I am not requiring him to just "attend" meetings. I am requiring him to work a program and get well before we can try again. <shaking my head> Enter denial, stage right (BIG RED TRUCK!)
All I can say is this is not my problem...you reap what you sow, and this pathetic life he is now leading is the product of HIS choices and HIS actions, and no one else's. I really don't think he gets that yet. So sad.
I realize that it might never be safe again. That is up to him. I am mentally prepared for that possibility. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I will give him a year or so (not living in my house) to decide to seek recovery for himself, and then I will move on with my life. Of course, he can come home sooner and we can try again if he chooses to actively work sobriety.
I guess I was asking for what signs/signals to look for that we are moving in the direction of "safe". Before he put manipulative doubts in my head (big red truck), I always thought that I would be able to TELL that he was truly working a program - that there would be a change in him that I would be able to see - in his words, in his attitude, in his priorities, in his perspective. After thinking about his words, I see the manipulation. And what's fairly comical is I don't think he really gets it that I am not requiring him to just "attend" meetings. I am requiring him to work a program and get well before we can try again. <shaking my head> Enter denial, stage right (BIG RED TRUCK!)
All I can say is this is not my problem...you reap what you sow, and this pathetic life he is now leading is the product of HIS choices and HIS actions, and no one else's. I really don't think he gets that yet. So sad.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Just wanted to add my welcome to SR. Great place here and it sounds like you have a good plan in place. Letting them fall while taking care of yourself is what worked for me with my daughter. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I would, one time only, say that I am going to Alanon at 8:00 pm tonight - and if you want to go to AA, I'll take you. After that, he needs to be with men - and AAers - and they'll help him with transportation. You'll see very quickly if he is interested in recovery.
What I was told in Alanon - and it got my attention and had me focus on me - was that to be a good member of Alanon didn't mean that I just loved an alcoholic (although having a close friend or family member whose drinking/drugging is affecting me is a criteria for membership), but that I had a sponsor, was going to meetings and was working the steps. Exactly what I expected of the addicts in my life. That was what they needed to do to get clean and sober - and that was what I needed to do.
The only difference in the 12 steps of Alanon and AA is one word in the 12th step - AA is carry the message to alcoholics, Alanon is carry the message to others (I think that is it - don't have a book with me at work).
My sponsor's favorite saying "when you get busy, you'll get better". When I was focused on doing the steps - especially the 4th step - I had a huge amount of empathy for what the addict had to do. I didn't like calling my sponsor - yet expected them to do that daily. Etc, etc, etc. And I stayed out of their business.
You can do this - zillions of us have - is it hard, yes - is it worth it, yes, yes, yes.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
What I was told in Alanon - and it got my attention and had me focus on me - was that to be a good member of Alanon didn't mean that I just loved an alcoholic (although having a close friend or family member whose drinking/drugging is affecting me is a criteria for membership), but that I had a sponsor, was going to meetings and was working the steps. Exactly what I expected of the addicts in my life. That was what they needed to do to get clean and sober - and that was what I needed to do.
The only difference in the 12 steps of Alanon and AA is one word in the 12th step - AA is carry the message to alcoholics, Alanon is carry the message to others (I think that is it - don't have a book with me at work).
My sponsor's favorite saying "when you get busy, you'll get better". When I was focused on doing the steps - especially the 4th step - I had a huge amount of empathy for what the addict had to do. I didn't like calling my sponsor - yet expected them to do that daily. Etc, etc, etc. And I stayed out of their business.
You can do this - zillions of us have - is it hard, yes - is it worth it, yes, yes, yes.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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