whereami

Ok so I moved back to be closer to my family and my afiancee decided to try and change. Well here we are 3 months later broke, me with no job because I am trying to get back on my feet and him not doing well in sales. I am terrified to complain because you told me this would happen and yet I listened to my stupid heart and I am now depressed about my situation,.Here's the question...if he is still using pills for pain and he doesn't act out but is emotionally absent at times and then sometimes great should I try and save the relationship? I need to get a job get on my feet and get my life back in order but I have a feeling that I can't leave him because I feel like it is all in my head, that things will get better not to mention I am embarrased to show up on my moms doorstep ...he keeps saying we will look back on this and things will get better soon, but I cant do anything due to being broke...hair makeup..selfesteem...and so I feel depressed about it even to the point of being demotivated to clean the house though somehow I do it every day...I wait on him cook for him serve him try and be the best I can but I am losing it and I feel like I am setting myself up for a mess...I love him and when he is in a good mood he is sweet and loving but lately he has been so selfish spending all our money on the stupid stuff for him and me with no conditioner or a way to pay my bills....sorry for the rant just need some advice...

Stubborn1

I once moved to North Carolina and I live in Florida for a fiance. He flipped once and I was smart enough to say "later" and got out of there. I never looked back. It was the best thing I could have done. I got out of there with my self esteem and chlomydia!

I look at life like a current. If you are fighting against the current it will never work for you. If it's easy going and doesn't feel like a chore then you are probably doing it right.

No one can tell you what to do. It sounds as if you have learned your lesson.

Only in fairytales is love enough.......in this world you need love, kindness, trust and money doesn't hurt! Take care of yourself the right way

Impurrfect

It sounds like your gut is telling you this just isn't working out, but you're trying to convince yourself it might. Anytime I've been in that situation, and didn't listen to my gut...I later wished I had.

It sounds like you are totally dependent on him for money, but he isn't using it wisely. Sinking into a hole of depression and isolation is going to make it worse.

Start focusing on you, sweetie..you deserve it. Even if you don't feel like it, fake a good attitude...put makeup on, go out and look for a job. Focusing on him isn't getting you anywhere but down.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

whereami

My mom has offered for me to come live with her until I get on my feet. I just feel like what if I leave him and things get better and we could have worked something out. He wants to move us back to his hometown asap and I just cant see how living there with a baby and noone to turn to but his family would work. I love him but I can't give up my entire state of being to be with him...why can't we work it out? Why doesn't he admit that he has a problem.

Stubborn1

I can promise you that living near family with a new baby is a great idea. It is healthy and secure for the child as well as yourself. I know, I raised three new one's all by myself.
I'm confused as to why he doesn't want you to have a support system. Just because you are having a child with him does not make you his property. Already he is not a good example for this child. Would you want your child to be in this situation? What would you have your own child do?
Speaking as a mother I can tell you that I would want my daughter home more then anything. I'd be a bit ticked but I would accept her and accept she made a mistake.
Go home honey.

MsPINKAcres

Sweetie while you are doing the "What if's" - how about a "What if nothing ever changes"

I learned in recovery for myself that if I keep doing the same thing, I will keep getting the same thing.

Recovery is about finding and learning to make the decision on what is best for you - turning to your HP for guidance about what is best for YOU, what is healthiest for YOU - letting your ABF find his own way on what is best for Him.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Peace,
Rita

Jody Hepler

Sometimes addicts get better when we take away all the pillows.

Go home honey - do what is best for you and your child - and it may shock him into reality (or it may not).

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

whereami

I understand what everyone is saying about addiction, the problem is that my abf isn't a full blown addict he is minimally functioning in a sales job where I don't know how much of the failure is his fault or the economy. Also his moodiness could be attributed to our financial situation...he says that things will be better soon and all he wants to do is make money for our family, should I even give him the benefit? I am looking for a job and applying for medical assistance so that I have a plan B ...but when will I know it is time for plan B? Today he went to his Dr and told me that he got his prescription but that it wasnt enough and he would have to go to another dr...isn't that addiction? I am sorry I am still questioning...I just want to make the right decision...

Stubborn1

Oh my Lord, he is abusing prescription meds.......Holy cow. Yes it's still the addiction. He is giving you excuses after excuses and you keep saying "ok"........when do you do plan b? Now! Hopefully you'll get enough of it soon.
Things will "always" be better, he will always take care of things......just hang in there......you'll see..........just wait a bit longer.........then a year goes by.......it's just been a rough year..........maybe he'll even shed a tear........what do you need? He'll never admit it.......NEVER. So it's up to you to protect you.

hello-kitty

Ami, what if nothing changes? Are you happy the way things are right now? Are you willing to waste one more day of your life with a minimally functioning addict who minimizes his drug problem and isn't willing to get help?

It's your decision to stay or go. It's not about him being a fullblown addict or a minimally functioning addict. It's about you and your happiness with a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. You don't exactly sound fulfilled but if you are, then stay. But don't expect him to change. Don't expect anything to change based on his promises. Look at his actions. What are they telling you.

Maybe ask yourself, what is the WISEST thing to do in this situation and then do it.

whereami

I am just so scared to move on and start over...

endzoner

IMO your makin excuses for his actions that validate his problem with drugs and booze . There will more then likly always be something in ones life that is troublesome or hard , but its not a reason to use. just my 2 bits .. but get out like all above said , sounds like it could be a hard ride if you dont while you can .. Mrs O:praying

Stubborn1

Why is it starting over? Could it be a fresh new beginning with your child? You will see that you'll love your child sooooooooooo much that he will not be worth all of this. Because what he's doing to you he's also doing to that new innocent baby that didn't ask for any of this.

Children do not change them, if anything they have a hard time with the pressure and the attention taken off of them. Please keep talking to your family. Give yourself six months away from him to raise the baby in peace and see what its like. Try peace out first then if you don't like that then try his world again.

A child will change your view on everything.:praying

Impurrfect

I've known a few "functioning addicts"...a couple got recovery, the rest just spiraled down and took whoever was with them down, including a lot of innocent children.

You need to do what is best for you and your child, now, not worry about "but what if he gets clean?". What if he does? A lot of people here will tell you their partner got clean, but didn't work recovery and was still depressed, angry and they wish they didn't stay. Others will tell you they got clean, but relapsed. It's a possibility when you're dealing with an addict.....forever.

I am struggling, like crazy, with my finances, but using is not an option. He will always find an excuse or reason to use as long as that's what he wants.

You're struggling financially and his main concern is getting more pills.

Go to you mom's, sweetie. It doesn't tell him "I don't love you". In fact it says "I love you enough to let you find your own way".

Loving someone doesn't mean you give up your life, or that of your child, so he can continue doing what he wants.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

Of course you are scared. We were ALL scared at one time. That's how we ended up here, on this site. We were crying out for help. And we found it. We found a group of people telling us that there was a better way and we found it. One change at a time.

I am here to tell you and whoever else will listen that there is a BETTER wonderful life out there for you after a relationship with an addict. Let go of the past. Love yourself enough to put yourself and your needs first. You can always go back to the way things were. You can always find an addict or some other abuser to treat you like crap.

Don't think. Just do.

outtolunch

He was saying this back in April when you first posted, almost 6 months ago.
He was abusing drugs then as he is now. It sounds like a relationship built upon a lot of wishful thinking. Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

outtolunch

They are a dime a dozen.