stillsearching

Hello everyone,

Well, I never thought I would see the day when my AH was sober, he has been since his OWI arrest, he has been through inpatient detox, finished a M-F outpatient program and is now continuing to work a recovery program with his counselor. I have still followed through with the divorce proceedings and he has moved out of the house.

We have talked about going to couseling together and they also have a family program at the center he went too that I have agreed to go together with him. I am so afraid to let him back into my life (not the house, but my life) in fear that he will start drinking again and I will be very angry that I let him back in. I am looking for opinions on what is a good time frame to work from of when, maybe, just maybe I might be able to consider possibly trying to work together on things...or is it better to just try and go with the flow and see what happens?? Any thoughts input would be appreciated, I would certainly not consider doing any of this, unless he would still be in active recovery!!

kj3880

Well, what is your therapist suggesting as a time frame? Do you still love him? Do you want to live with him as a family. You know, what counts a lot is what you want. What will make you happy? How long will it take you to feel trusting and confident? There isn't any rush.
KJ

Bernadette

It may help to alleviate your amxiety by setting a date for yourself. Maybe 6months? A year? And tell yourself you'll re-visit your feelings about reconciliation then.

It's a "just for today" tool that let's you let go of the anxiety. If in a few weeks that time frame seems too soon or too far away you can re-think and set another.

I find it helps to put things on a calendar. It gives me a good sense of the time something will take.

You said him being in active recovery is a must. What are the musts for YOU? Where do you see yourself or how will you have changed to consider rekindling with this person? We have often put our own goals and dreams on the back burner when dealing w/ the alcoholic madness. What's in your "crystal ball" ;-) ??!!!!!!!!!!

Peace,
B.

Stubborn1

Going with the flow never worked for me. If you give him a date and he is not ready to quit then he will fake it until that date. It depends how long you are willing to wait. If he is going to relapse then he will do it no matter what. If you have children I say wait six months to a year in your own book. I would tell him (if you have to) that you will just know by his actions and how he is working the programs.
There is no right time. Some go forever, some go a week, some go fifteen or so years. You just never know.
Good luck

prodigal

This is a difficult decision, and only one you can make. Only my opinion, but I think before I could allow my AH back into my life, I would have to work on my own anger issues (which I have), and, after that, work on forgiveness.

Forgiveness. Whether or not he remained sober, I knew in my heart I had to forgive my AH for anything and everything I felt he had done to hurt me. I have had to work through mountains of anger issues. Once the A in our lives betrays our trust so many times, we are wary of allowing them to get close to us once again.

Own your fear. I can understand your fear of letting him back into your life. However, perhaps you should start working on your fear as to WHAT IF he starts drinking again. After all, if he starts drinking again, that is his choice and has nothing to do with you.

I watched the bottom drop out of my life and had to face my own fears about AH's drinking when he came out of his second rehab and was drunk 18 days after he was released. That was over four years ago. I understand your fear. Give yourself time. If your gut instincts tell you to keep him at a distance, then do so.

I had a fellow Al-anon'er tell me several years ago, "We love our alcoholics, but frequently we have to love them from a distance."