Adipsia

There are clearly great similarities between many of our stories on here, and one thing that strikes me strongly is our willingness to put up with this kind of behaviour for so long. For many of us it is understandable because we are trying to keep a family together in the forlorn hope that at some point he/she will "cotton on" and realise that the end is in sight, and that end is ruin, but not for all.

I'm rapidly coming to the realisation that the whole defence mechanism of the alcoholic is geared towards preservation of their supply, maintaining the status quo, and as a result when they are in a period of temporary sobriety many are incredibly, charming, likeable and charismatic; I know that my partner is. The only reason that I am with her now is a memory of the light that shines through her when she is sober.

All of this brings "love" into question, and I realise that I am talking about the emotional kind here. When an alcoholic says that they love you, I think you can be 90% certain that the love they are expressing is an emotional response given out to keep you in position to further enable their habit. They have to be ultra-nice during sobriety because there has to be something to balance the negativity that they put us through when they are drunk.

Love from an alcoholic is a manipulative attempt to keep us in place and they would say anything - and do - to maintain their supply. After three weeks on my own I think that I'm finally starting to see the wood for the trees !

wish he'd quit

Well said! I'm starting to see so many things like that now as well. It is so enlightening.

prodigal

Excellent insight. From my own personal experience, having been married to two A's, I have found that their version of the "status quo" changes, depending on their frame of mind. My current AH can be tolerable when sober, or downright nasty and sarcastic. He can switch gears and be charming when drunk or nasty.

The only status quo I discovered in my own circumstances is the one I maintain for myself. What the A in my life maintains, and I believe you are referring to in your post, is the status quo of keeping a supply of booze at hand (regardless of the current frame of mind).

My AH no longer has a defense mechanism working because I simply ignore his disease. What he does with it is his business; not mine. I'm sure if I started in on him he would become quite defensive. However, his denial mechanism is ALWAYS turned on, 24/7. That mechanism will never be shut down unless he chooses to get serious about sobriety. Even then, I believe he would be in serious denial about a lot of issues in his life. But, then again, that is not my business.

Adipsia

Yes you're right, I was referring to the constancy of booze supply. The only other status quo as far as my partner was concerned was the constantly shifting emotional quicksand.

Towards the end my partner would find whatever money she could - she raided the children's piggy banks and even borrowed money from our 85yr old neighbour - to go down to the local off-licence. On two occasions I caught her fumbling around in the hedge outside our local library. It the dawned on me, and has since been confirmed by her, that she would buy as many bottles as possible and then hide a reserve supply inside a hedge just in case her main cache was discovered.

I've found the whole thing incredibly sad, and just wished that I had been able to film it. It's so upsetting to see the person that you love wandering around like one of the undead.

Many people around me have told me during the last twelve months that I should just have walked, but I am generally optimistic by nature, and have been able to keep my chin up under difficult circumstances. The hardest part though is trying to put up useful boundaries... on the one hand I wish to offer help and support but without being ridden over rough-shod. That whole aspect of when to use the carrot and when to use the stick is fraught with problems.