Doormat
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Everett, WA
Posts: 6
Doormat
Knock Knock- anybody home?
Oh yes, I'm here! Go ahead and wipe your mud all over me. Bog me down with your filth and grime- I'm your doormat. Neglect to sweep me off-- maybe shake me out every now and again and go about day to day scrubbing your dirt into my being. It's okay- I'm your doormat.
What if your doormat got up and walked away....said, "I'm tired of having dog **** all over me." What would you do with your dirty shoes then?
Would you leave them on? You would be forced to look at all that dirt day in and day out in your house then.....
Perhaps you'd start taking your shoes off at the door. That would make perfect sense. Keep your house clean and the dirt out.
Anyhow- my analogy is kinda getting off track. I've spent some time as a doormat in my life. When do you finally stop and say I don't deserve this "dirt" anymore. This crap you wipe on me isn't worth it because I am better than that. I deserve a clean house....a clean life, and I'm afraid you in the midst of your problem cannot give it to me. When is it time to clean house? My time is now.
Addiction is a sad and scary thing. Seems that most of the people I love struggle with it. I have found time and time again that by subjecting myself and my heart to it I only get hurt. I only find dissapointment and grief. I find heartache and longing for the person I once knew to come back- only to find that when they knocked and came in they trample mud all over the nice clean floor.
I am a strong person. I can overcome. I won't be jaded nor harbor hate and anger. I will continue to love from afar and pray everyday that when and if the addicts I love ever knock on my door again they'll be the ones I knew so long ago. I miss those people. I know that the addiction eats them alive and it isn't their true selves- and I will never understand how they can let a substance be their main priority in life.
They choose it over love, family, relationships, jobs, everything. They lie and steal from those that love them all for a fix. It must be a terrible fixation to need something that bad to go to those extremes. How terrible they must feel- but then they get messed up to numb all emotion and everything away- to cope w/the tragedy of needing this substance so bad. To numb out everyone and everything that begs and pleads and prays for their sobriety. I am numbed away by drugs and alcohol. I am nothing but a whisper in the back of the hallway-
I am not enough.
I am not the solution.
I am not the problem.
I can only love with all my heart and ask for divine intervention so that my addicts may see the light and come out of the hole that addiction has burried them in. I have to let them go to explore their truest wants and needs- whether they can coexist with my wants and needs are another story.
I have to work on repairing me now. Should they recover and knock on my door again I want to have a fresh start- a clean house- an open heart.
The hardest decision I've ever made was to say ENOUGH. I will never leave YOU persay- I choose to leave the addiction. It is you I love, but the addiction scrambles it all and makes it impossible to be stable. I miss the person I thought you were- and I am devistated to think I'll never see you again. I am heartbroken at the thought of knowing you'd rather be in an altered state of conciousness than with me. I'll yearn for you back daily- and hope that you find the strength you need to say ENOUGH and get your life back
My promise is that of love- unconditional love- that means NO MATTER WHAT. No matter the lies and manipulation, the hurt and anxiety, through all the ups and downs. And while you may think I betrayed you by leaving I did not and I will stand up for that choice till the day I die. I will always love my addicts- but the time has come to love myself and know that I cannot do anything to help them. I am helpless in that respect.
:sorry
Oh yes, I'm here! Go ahead and wipe your mud all over me. Bog me down with your filth and grime- I'm your doormat. Neglect to sweep me off-- maybe shake me out every now and again and go about day to day scrubbing your dirt into my being. It's okay- I'm your doormat.
What if your doormat got up and walked away....said, "I'm tired of having dog **** all over me." What would you do with your dirty shoes then?
Would you leave them on? You would be forced to look at all that dirt day in and day out in your house then.....
Perhaps you'd start taking your shoes off at the door. That would make perfect sense. Keep your house clean and the dirt out.
Anyhow- my analogy is kinda getting off track. I've spent some time as a doormat in my life. When do you finally stop and say I don't deserve this "dirt" anymore. This crap you wipe on me isn't worth it because I am better than that. I deserve a clean house....a clean life, and I'm afraid you in the midst of your problem cannot give it to me. When is it time to clean house? My time is now.
Addiction is a sad and scary thing. Seems that most of the people I love struggle with it. I have found time and time again that by subjecting myself and my heart to it I only get hurt. I only find dissapointment and grief. I find heartache and longing for the person I once knew to come back- only to find that when they knocked and came in they trample mud all over the nice clean floor.
I am a strong person. I can overcome. I won't be jaded nor harbor hate and anger. I will continue to love from afar and pray everyday that when and if the addicts I love ever knock on my door again they'll be the ones I knew so long ago. I miss those people. I know that the addiction eats them alive and it isn't their true selves- and I will never understand how they can let a substance be their main priority in life.
They choose it over love, family, relationships, jobs, everything. They lie and steal from those that love them all for a fix. It must be a terrible fixation to need something that bad to go to those extremes. How terrible they must feel- but then they get messed up to numb all emotion and everything away- to cope w/the tragedy of needing this substance so bad. To numb out everyone and everything that begs and pleads and prays for their sobriety. I am numbed away by drugs and alcohol. I am nothing but a whisper in the back of the hallway-
I am not enough.
I am not the solution.
I am not the problem.
I can only love with all my heart and ask for divine intervention so that my addicts may see the light and come out of the hole that addiction has burried them in. I have to let them go to explore their truest wants and needs- whether they can coexist with my wants and needs are another story.
I have to work on repairing me now. Should they recover and knock on my door again I want to have a fresh start- a clean house- an open heart.
The hardest decision I've ever made was to say ENOUGH. I will never leave YOU persay- I choose to leave the addiction. It is you I love, but the addiction scrambles it all and makes it impossible to be stable. I miss the person I thought you were- and I am devistated to think I'll never see you again. I am heartbroken at the thought of knowing you'd rather be in an altered state of conciousness than with me. I'll yearn for you back daily- and hope that you find the strength you need to say ENOUGH and get your life back
My promise is that of love- unconditional love- that means NO MATTER WHAT. No matter the lies and manipulation, the hurt and anxiety, through all the ups and downs. And while you may think I betrayed you by leaving I did not and I will stand up for that choice till the day I die. I will always love my addicts- but the time has come to love myself and know that I cannot do anything to help them. I am helpless in that respect.
:sorry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Everett, WA
Posts: 6
Thank you- I just left my AD (I guess that stands for addict here?) husband last weekend and drove across the country. I hope it was the right thing but he is so mad at me now I'm afraid that the choice to try and leave to preserve the small amount of trust & respect I had for him may have backfired. He says I am dead to him and he will never reconcile because he can't trust me to not leave him. I know it is the drugs and the AD talking- not the man I fell in love with and married. What a distraught situation. I am here because I know I'm not the only one going through this- I just want to be breathe deep again and wish it was all a bad dream.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
ZeeeBaaa, Ad represents addicted daughter and we use AH to represent addicted husband..
and you are right , it was the drugs and the addict talking ...around here we call it quacking as Laurie says...just picture the aflack duck...quack, quack ,quack...
and you are right , it was the drugs and the addict talking ...around here we call it quacking as Laurie says...just picture the aflack duck...quack, quack ,quack...
love and light
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My addict is my daughter, but there came a time when I had to let go or be dragged. The funny thing is is that my daughter is now clean and facing the same decision with an ex-addict boyfriend of hers. It seems to come full circle. Hugs and I like your way of handling things. Marle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR, and what a great post!
A's (addicts) will strike out in anger when they don't get their way. I know, I'm a recovering A, and like Marle's daughter, dealt with an A boyfriend, who is now an ex.
Good to see you here, and I'm glad you're doing what's best for you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
A's (addicts) will strike out in anger when they don't get their way. I know, I'm a recovering A, and like Marle's daughter, dealt with an A boyfriend, who is now an ex.
Good to see you here, and I'm glad you're doing what's best for you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Zeeeebraaa)))))
Welcome to SR. You have found a really great place, with lots of folks who not only care, but ho have been where you are or are where you are.
Just remember, you have just 'ruined' his nice cozy nest and his way of living. He is not the man you loved, he is an ADDICT. Yes, it is QUACKING. It is also MANIPULATION.
Might I suggest that you find some Alanon and/or Naranon meetings where you are now and try out at least 6 or so different ones to see which ones fit you. I mention Alanon as in many areas there are many more of those than Naranon. Face to face support can be an excellent source of help, encouragement, and compassion that we usually so desperately need.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to SR. You have found a really great place, with lots of folks who not only care, but ho have been where you are or are where you are.
Just remember, you have just 'ruined' his nice cozy nest and his way of living. He is not the man you loved, he is an ADDICT. Yes, it is QUACKING. It is also MANIPULATION.
Might I suggest that you find some Alanon and/or Naranon meetings where you are now and try out at least 6 or so different ones to see which ones fit you. I mention Alanon as in many areas there are many more of those than Naranon. Face to face support can be an excellent source of help, encouragement, and compassion that we usually so desperately need.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Everett, WA
Posts: 6
Warmest thanks to everyone for kind words/support.
I'm struggling this evening- he told me he didn't want to talk to me ever again earlier in the day but I thought for sure I'd get a text or a call later on w/an apology for lashing out....but nothing. I want so badly to tell him how much I miss him and to just erase everything for a new start. I know I cannot.
He is supposed to start his Suboxone treatment tomarrow and I pray w/that will come the start of his recovery- hopefully not just another crutch. I'm distancing myself completely right now though- I can't let him hurt & manipulate anymore. Has anyone had luck w/their addict actually making a full recovery? I can't help but keep on hoping that I'll get my hubby back- I really don't want to end our marriage.....
but I have no choice if his choice is drugs
I'm struggling this evening- he told me he didn't want to talk to me ever again earlier in the day but I thought for sure I'd get a text or a call later on w/an apology for lashing out....but nothing. I want so badly to tell him how much I miss him and to just erase everything for a new start. I know I cannot.
He is supposed to start his Suboxone treatment tomarrow and I pray w/that will come the start of his recovery- hopefully not just another crutch. I'm distancing myself completely right now though- I can't let him hurt & manipulate anymore. Has anyone had luck w/their addict actually making a full recovery? I can't help but keep on hoping that I'll get my hubby back- I really don't want to end our marriage.....
but I have no choice if his choice is drugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Everett, WA
Posts: 6
ps- I am looking into some Nar-Anon/Al-Anon meetings- my Mom who I'm staying w/right now is a recovering alcohoic (sober 3 years now- go Mom!) and she too recommended them. I think I ought to ease into it though- I'm not good at actually verbalizing things- I can write no prob but getting the actual noise to emerge from my lips has always been a struggle around strangers. Perhaps if I can get through writing w/o crying then I can take the next step to actually voice. I look forward to it though- I know with it will come more release/healing....baby steps though 
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
((zeee))
Welcome to SR and thanks for a great post.
Many, including myself, have gone to face to face meetings and cried the entire meeting, actually cried for many, many meetings. But, for myself, I know that even if I am not doing any talking, just listening, I am hearing what I need to hear. It feels good to sit in a room with others and know you are not going through it alone.
Keep coming back here too!
Welcome to SR and thanks for a great post.
Many, including myself, have gone to face to face meetings and cried the entire meeting, actually cried for many, many meetings. But, for myself, I know that even if I am not doing any talking, just listening, I am hearing what I need to hear. It feels good to sit in a room with others and know you are not going through it alone.
Keep coming back here too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Zeee,
Welcome, and you can go to the meetings and never utter a word if you are not up to it. And when you are you will speak that it what makes it so comfortable becuse everyone there has been through something and they know what ever your gpoing through is tough also. They are there to help and understand and talk for you to listen.
Coming here is also a great place because you can say whatever is in your heart and not feel judged or embarrased. Your just sharing like all the rest of us.
Keep posting
Welcome, and you can go to the meetings and never utter a word if you are not up to it. And when you are you will speak that it what makes it so comfortable becuse everyone there has been through something and they know what ever your gpoing through is tough also. They are there to help and understand and talk for you to listen.
Coming here is also a great place because you can say whatever is in your heart and not feel judged or embarrased. Your just sharing like all the rest of us.
Keep posting
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