mooselips

Good Sunday morning all,
At my meeting last night, the topic was Detachment, a popular subject which comes up often.

There were 2 new gals there, love to see new people, yet sorry for their circumstances...

But as they were speaking, I had a lightbulb moment, realizing just how much progress I have made, thanks to Sober Recovery and meetings.

Here's one thing that astounded me!

My hubby spoke with AS, and was told sons GF was 5 months PG, now...... in my past unrecovery period, I would have rushed to the phone to call my son.

This Time? NOT.

My lesson may just be I've learned to MYOB...(amazing )

What are YOU learning?

Let's share good stuff.

Hugs....

grateful2b

I woke up this morning to a little miracle....
an email from my AD telling me she has gone back to her therapist, and is thinking about IOP, and anger management classes....
I was over the top thrilled to get this news and then I paused....
I cannot get ahead of myself....this is her recovery....and it will unfold as it will...not according to my desires, wishes or timetable....time will tell and actions speak louder than words....
I am grateful ....just for today...
moose, great thread!

Freedom1990

Isn't it wonderful?

My youngest AD totaled her car over a month ago now, and had tons of paperwork that she had to fill out/send in to her insurance company.

I noticed one of the envelops with forms in it sitting after two weeks and just left it sitting.

I no longer chide, scold, remind, etc.

Needless to say, she hadn't gotten the check for the remainder of the balance after the car was totaled (to be used as a down payment on another car), and finally saw that envelop.

Cost her a pretty penny to overnight that one!

I'm doing really well in my 5 college classes and continue to put my recovery first and foremost every day

marle

My daughter is about $8,000 in debt and all her bills have either gone to court or are in collections. In the past I would have found a way to help her. This time she is doing it herself or not at all. It is not my problem. She is still in touch with the ex-abf and he is going to the bars again. Again I am letting her figure it out for herself even though I see her becoming controlling with him. I see the way things could go but I am keeping my mouth shut because she will do what she will do. As long as she is not using she can stay here. As long as she keeps her job and pays us each month for her rent, she can stay with us. I do still have my moments, but the biggest lesson I have learned is that no matter what I do it will not affect her choices. And that has taken a big load off from me. I, too, see newcomers at my meetings and I remember where I was and that I never want to be there again. Hugs and a great topic, Moose. Marle

CatsPajamas

I find that I use my recovery tools in all of my relationships. Lately, I've had many opportunities to use them at WORK. I have a boss who is spiraling out of control, and I've been able to keep the focus on me and not on her, to do the next right thing for my work day. I don't take things personally, and I realize that most of what is happening is HER stuff. I do what I need to do for myself, and I know that she'll get to experience her own consequences.

Thank GOD for a program of recovery....otherwise I probably wouldn't still HAVE this job!

cece

how far have I come?
Well that depends on what day you have asked me!

Seriously though, even when there are days that I feel like kicking myself because certain behaviors or thoughts are forefront in my actions, the fact that I know its a bad choice for me is huge.
i do know that its been a long time since i have been curled up in a ball full of despair because someone I love's life is spinning out of control.
more times then not I keep the focus on me even if i hear that little Codie voice in the back of my head.
and hey! Its a little codie voice now, instead of the one that used to control all my actions in relationships.
my son's pain is still by far my biggest trigger. I still have to fight the want to fix it. But remembering the past failures and seeing how far he has come on his own helps.
so thanks for this reminder! Its nice to see all the progress!

NoelleR

One thing I've noticed about folks on a journey (and yes, that would include folks on a recovery journey) is just where their focus is.....

We have a tendency to either look at where we are and wonder why we're still here....or we look ahead at our goal and wonder why it seems to be so far off.....BUT

One thing we sometimes forget.......we forget to turn around and see just how far we have come..... (o:

We've all come a long way, baby.....! (o:


NoelleR

frankly

I've come from the depths of hell to a beautiful place. I no longer dread getting up in the morning. I dream dreams again, and I dream big. I see miricles all around me everyday, where I used to see everything grey and bleak, I now see colors and hear my own laughter.

As bad as my life used to be, I would actually pray that I wouldn't wake up, I now look forward to each new day and new experience, good and bad.

I have found peace and yes happiness.

B

grateful2b

the profound relief I felt when I reached the place where I could detach and truly let go was so unexpected...
as I basked in it , I realized how much I really had been suffering by how absolutely wonderful it was to feel me again, and enjoy being in the moment and feeling the sparkle of life and like Frankly says, see in colour and not wake up in fear..
To think about my future and see the possibilities and want to make great plans just for me instead of dreading hers..
Life is free and fun again...

kelsh

Hi All,

I am pulling my "boot straps up" from a recent psyc-hospital stay of ten days with a manic episode that came out of no where due to too many stressors.

I have made progress with this particular issue...was able to talk about some issues buried deep within me in a one to one situation & in a group...saw my GP right after I got home...hospital set up appointment & sent all paperwork & doctor's notes...so he was ready for me...saw a counselor at Behavioral Health twice now, & have an appointment with my psychiatrist that monitors my meds.

The therapy they are trying with me is Dialectical Behavior Therapy which I had heard of but never took part in before. It will help me find my center & acceptance for issues that I cannot change & will only get worse in time. It looks like it will be very good for me to learn to do this. :praying

I have learned how to protect myself but it is more like a wall between me & my son & husband when they are so ill they require hospitalizations. Then this time when my husband got out of the hospital not fully recovered...I went to the psyc-ward. It almost seems like my brain & body disfunctioned so I could get some very much needed Wisdom.

In groups in the hospital we did talk about how far we had come and that it was okay to have a safe place to come to for help. When I look back to my first days of Sobriety and what I accomplished in a 20 year period, I had come a very long way.

kelsh

outtolunch

Just last Novemeber, my R (?) AD told me she was addicted to heroin. Never in my wildest dreams, would I have imagined this. I was convinced, at the time, I could solve her problem. All I needed to do was find the "right rehab" that could "cure" her and I could keep her there long enough, to work their magic.

I can (almost) laugh at my delusions, now.

littlebird77

You know what is weird about detachment. When I get my panic attacks, I feel like my body and mind are detaching... So my body is doing it. It is telling me something... I need to do this myself so I don't get the panic attacks anymore... Took me three years to figure this out.

Spiritual Seeker

I am in the final stage of completely renovating my house.
An area that is not something I thought I could do, not one of my skills sets.
But I am doing it and doing it well.
And I don't have to be the hero anymore. I am allowing my husband to step up
and be an equal partner in the project and in our marriage.
I no longer have to be as strong, as independent, as much of a perfectionist.
I am learning to be a partner and let someone else help and have strength.

jerect

I've realized that I cannot take AH's addiction personaly, I'm not the reason he is an addict and it is not up to me to save him. It took me a long time to get to this point but my heart hurts a lot less these days.

Instead of reacting, I have learned to act. I do not react to my AH's addiction, I act on changing my self and do what I can to not enable.

I have been on this journey now since January of this year (still a newbie) but I have come a long way since then. I was a scared, bitchy controling codependant wife.. Now I'm a calmer, nicer, but yet still a codependant wife.. I have a lot of work left to do on myself but now that I have let go of my AH's problems the journey seems a lot less complicated.

mjpaao

When ah left me for agf, I laid on my den floor for months, just me, my dog, and my vodka bottle. Since then I have 3 years 4 months sober. Ah still comes here occasionally, to work on some sort of project as we are still married, though seperated 5 years. Yesterday I turned my back on him for the first time I can remember. I remembered at that moment the best thing you can do for an addict is the hardest thing to do.
I'm weighing all my options, trying to do what's best for me and my family. It's much more peaceful here, too quiet sometimes, but at least I don't have to worry any longer about ah's mood when he got home. One day at a time, things are getting better!

Chino

I've learned to ask for help and say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean. That last part was hard!

Trying_in_Texas

So good to hear all of this!

Detachment is particularly hard because I "feel" everything so deeply - whether joy or pain, happiness or sadness, excitment or boredom, you get it. Not sure if I'll ever be able to detach myself from the idea that everyone "deserves" a good life, but I've come to the realization that not everyone will do what is needed to get one... or can't... and that a "good life" to me may not be what a good life is to someone else.

I'm a lot better about keeping myself to my own "area"... personal space in the largest sense I suppose. I am more back to my roots these days of leaving others be and doing my own thing... it's nice!

baxter

We had a Friday night out with friends, karaoke at a local bar. We don't usually go there because it happens to be a hangout of my AD. We were in the back having a fun time and I glanced around and saw AD at the bar with her ABF (old enough to be her father). I had just a passing glance and never thought a thing about it or her the whole night. Any other time I would have made some effort with eye contact or stopped to talk and somehow I would have ended up crying and telling her how much I loved her and missed her and the usual. Sucked right back in by my own doing. I never really thought much of it until my husband told me the next day he was surprised I hadn't run over to her.

I think I'm making some headway.

Stubborn1

Wow, great topic.
Let's see......seven or eight years ago I would have been crying. Worrying about living and worried about my children and wondering what was I going to do. I would have been calling everyone I know to tell them my woes. I wouldn't have a clue what was happening around me.
Now..........I don't worry about a thing. I turned it all over to God. I live as if my ah was dead and live around him. If he is around I only accept and acknowledge the good. I don't worry about my children because I have so much strength I know I can do anything and will to make sure they are happy and so am I. Nothing is worth crying about and making myself sick.
When I do find myself worrying about financial matters I quickly find a way to turn it around.
I approach things totally different now. I continually educate myself.
More than anything..........I am not a victim of his alcoholism!!! Yea me.

beegee

I feel like I have come a long way and then again I feel that there is a lot missing? I mean all the stealing and lies and all befor was terrible, horrible. But in my heart I don't feel AD fell on her face and hit rock bottom befor she went to rehab. However, rehab scared her death with the stories from her buddies there. I think she saw older women batting zero and she is in her 30's so it wacked her in the head I think.
I think she realized how she was hurting me and herself and really cared about it.

Now I am not sure, that that was enough but it seems to be working at this point with her.She is working hard with herself and loesing weight and suddenly caring about her appearance. She has been very kind to me and asking for nothing.
It doesn't mean I don't worry but from where I was back in March and where I am today it wonderful. I just keep feeling like I missed the big step the rest of you went through with them hitting bottom so to speak. It scares me but I try to look over it and I still take one day at a time and pray.