another story, I just need to write it
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another story, I just need to write it
I'm 21 and my mother's been an alcoholic as long as I can remember. I've been living with this for a long time and talked about it here and there, with my dad, with friends, boyfriend, briefly a counsellor. I've been away from home most of this year, studying abroad and travelling. But I'm here now for a few weeks before I go back to university, and it feels like being home with her is so much harder than before.
She was never a bad mother, I didn't have a bad upbringing at all. It was her sadness that I noticed most of all, and then later on in my teens she would get nasty in occasional arguments. But I never lacked for anything, she never manipulated me, hit me, or neglected me. We always got on well enough, and we've even been very close for the last few years, although I've been away often. She's funny and intelligent and I always looked up to her. She split from my dad about 12 years ago, and has been on her own ever since.
She always drank too much, and I don't even remember when I understood that it was a problem, but it was a long time ago. I said something about it once or twice, we rowed, then I was too scared to say anything about it again for many years. I just got on with my own life, tried not to think about it too much. I always know when she's had anything to drink though, I can tell by the look on her face even if she doesn't say anything or the tone of her voice over the phone.
A few years ago she decided to sort things out. She went to her doctor, got put on a waiting list for NHS counselling, was prescribed antidepressants. The waiting list was nearly two years long, and in the meantime the pills didn't seem to do much to help. I came back from my first long trip abroad and she told she'd stopped drinking, but it didn't last very long. Finally this past year she received supportive counselling, and stopped drinking for a while, but as soon as it stopped she started drinking again. Now she's waiting for another psychiatric evaluation in a couple of months to see if she'll receive any more help. But to me these few weeks I've been home she seems worse than she ever was.
Maybe it's because she's not trying to protect me from it anymore, and instead she's telling me everything. But it's worse than that. Three weeks ago she slipped and fell, broke her leg just above the ankle. She couldn't get up, a combination of her weight and an old back injury. I had to ask our neighbour to come round to help her up. I don't think it would have happened if she'd been sober, though she'd never admit it. A couple of weeks later it happened again, she tripped over the dog while I was out. She's got her leg in a cast and I'm terrified she's going to fall and hurt herself even more.
We've started having lunch and dinner together in a way that we never used to and several times when she's been drunk our conversations have descended into awful tearful confessionals, which partly helps because we've been so honest with eachother but also hurts an awful lot. Drinking never led to coherence but these days she seems less and less lucid. It often feels like groundhog day, we'll have the same conversations over and over on consecutive days. Sometimes it's about inaneties like what day am I going back to university and she'll make the same list each time of our friends who could drive me up there. Over the last couple of weeks she's also repeatedly told me about the first time she tried to commit suicide and how many times she was sectioned to mental health institutions. Each time it's as if it was a new revelation, as if she'd never told me before.
One time she told me so many awful things that had happened to her in her life that I couldn't stop crying for two hours. She didn't even seem to understand why it would make me so sad. She's only 58, but I'm terrified that either I'll come home one evening to find her dead or that in a few years she'll have incapacitated herself and she'll need constant care, which I could never give. I love her so much and I want to help, but it's so awful to watch her like this.
I feel so helpless and I want to leave, to walk away and wash my hands of it. Just be somewhere happier and wish that she would sort it out while I'm away. I have to go back to university in three weeks anyway, but my long distance boyfriend wants me to come and stay with him for a bit beforehand. I would love so much to do that but I promised my mum that I would be here for this time. I'm dreaming so much of going to stay with my boyfriend and instead I'm stuck here, not sure if it's any use but afraid of hurting her by leaving early. On monday I told her how scared I was that she was going to hurt herself if she was drunk while her leg was in the cast, and she said she would try to stop for me. It lasted two days, then Thursday it was one drink, Friday it was two, and today it's been two full drinking sessions, morning and afternoon.
I'm just so tired of all this and it's making me so anxious. I'm not sure I can see a way out. She just doesn't seem to have anything to live for, except for me and the dog. She's so generous and not demanding at all, she wants me to live my life as fully as possible, but I worry that one day if I'm too distant that nothing will seem to matter anymore to her.
Thanks for listening.
L xx
She was never a bad mother, I didn't have a bad upbringing at all. It was her sadness that I noticed most of all, and then later on in my teens she would get nasty in occasional arguments. But I never lacked for anything, she never manipulated me, hit me, or neglected me. We always got on well enough, and we've even been very close for the last few years, although I've been away often. She's funny and intelligent and I always looked up to her. She split from my dad about 12 years ago, and has been on her own ever since.
She always drank too much, and I don't even remember when I understood that it was a problem, but it was a long time ago. I said something about it once or twice, we rowed, then I was too scared to say anything about it again for many years. I just got on with my own life, tried not to think about it too much. I always know when she's had anything to drink though, I can tell by the look on her face even if she doesn't say anything or the tone of her voice over the phone.
A few years ago she decided to sort things out. She went to her doctor, got put on a waiting list for NHS counselling, was prescribed antidepressants. The waiting list was nearly two years long, and in the meantime the pills didn't seem to do much to help. I came back from my first long trip abroad and she told she'd stopped drinking, but it didn't last very long. Finally this past year she received supportive counselling, and stopped drinking for a while, but as soon as it stopped she started drinking again. Now she's waiting for another psychiatric evaluation in a couple of months to see if she'll receive any more help. But to me these few weeks I've been home she seems worse than she ever was.
Maybe it's because she's not trying to protect me from it anymore, and instead she's telling me everything. But it's worse than that. Three weeks ago she slipped and fell, broke her leg just above the ankle. She couldn't get up, a combination of her weight and an old back injury. I had to ask our neighbour to come round to help her up. I don't think it would have happened if she'd been sober, though she'd never admit it. A couple of weeks later it happened again, she tripped over the dog while I was out. She's got her leg in a cast and I'm terrified she's going to fall and hurt herself even more.
We've started having lunch and dinner together in a way that we never used to and several times when she's been drunk our conversations have descended into awful tearful confessionals, which partly helps because we've been so honest with eachother but also hurts an awful lot. Drinking never led to coherence but these days she seems less and less lucid. It often feels like groundhog day, we'll have the same conversations over and over on consecutive days. Sometimes it's about inaneties like what day am I going back to university and she'll make the same list each time of our friends who could drive me up there. Over the last couple of weeks she's also repeatedly told me about the first time she tried to commit suicide and how many times she was sectioned to mental health institutions. Each time it's as if it was a new revelation, as if she'd never told me before.
One time she told me so many awful things that had happened to her in her life that I couldn't stop crying for two hours. She didn't even seem to understand why it would make me so sad. She's only 58, but I'm terrified that either I'll come home one evening to find her dead or that in a few years she'll have incapacitated herself and she'll need constant care, which I could never give. I love her so much and I want to help, but it's so awful to watch her like this.
I feel so helpless and I want to leave, to walk away and wash my hands of it. Just be somewhere happier and wish that she would sort it out while I'm away. I have to go back to university in three weeks anyway, but my long distance boyfriend wants me to come and stay with him for a bit beforehand. I would love so much to do that but I promised my mum that I would be here for this time. I'm dreaming so much of going to stay with my boyfriend and instead I'm stuck here, not sure if it's any use but afraid of hurting her by leaving early. On monday I told her how scared I was that she was going to hurt herself if she was drunk while her leg was in the cast, and she said she would try to stop for me. It lasted two days, then Thursday it was one drink, Friday it was two, and today it's been two full drinking sessions, morning and afternoon.
I'm just so tired of all this and it's making me so anxious. I'm not sure I can see a way out. She just doesn't seem to have anything to live for, except for me and the dog. She's so generous and not demanding at all, she wants me to live my life as fully as possible, but I worry that one day if I'm too distant that nothing will seem to matter anymore to her.
Thanks for listening.
L xx
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Where is your dad in all of this? Are your parents divorced?
It sounds like you've been struggling pretty hard with keeping things organized. For your own well-being, try limiting your conversations when your mom is drinking. This is draining you FAR MORE than it is relieving her. Afterall, what is being accomplished by these conversations? Yes, it's valuable to know and understand where your mom is coming from. But it's NOT helpful to just re-hash the past over and over again. At this point I'd say your mom doesn't want to get better - she just wants to feel sorry for herself, which of course justifies all the drinking (to *forget* what she *chooses* to keep thinking and talking about). Please understand that if you're having these conversations while she's drunk they are NOT serving her any purpose. She's going to wake up the next day and not even remember what she told you. You're going to wake up emotionally exhausted and then guilty for wanting to live your own life. It's not a healthy system.
No child should feel *so* responsible for their parent - especially one that is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. I understand that you love your mom and want to help, but just watch that fine line between supporting your parent and sacrificing your life. You're already doing the best possible job in spending time with her and caring for her. But please realize there is absolutely nothing you can do to make up for the bad things that happened to her (except listen within certain limits).
Also let her know (when sober) this incredible pressure you feel under. She might mistakingly think this is all harmless bonding. She may very well be completely oblivious to its impact on you. Trust me, judging by your description she is far less aware of your feelings than you are of hers. Make sure she knows. Use the suicide word - be specific about what is keeping you worried. Remind her that she's still a mom and needs to step up to the plate, regardless of the fact that you are now grown up. You deserve to know that your own mom isn't going to self-harm in your absence.
I know what it's like to be around a perpetually depressed and drinking parent. I don't mean to preach, but I just cringe at the anxiety you're describing. At the very least, just know that your feelings are valid.
It sounds like you've been struggling pretty hard with keeping things organized. For your own well-being, try limiting your conversations when your mom is drinking. This is draining you FAR MORE than it is relieving her. Afterall, what is being accomplished by these conversations? Yes, it's valuable to know and understand where your mom is coming from. But it's NOT helpful to just re-hash the past over and over again. At this point I'd say your mom doesn't want to get better - she just wants to feel sorry for herself, which of course justifies all the drinking (to *forget* what she *chooses* to keep thinking and talking about). Please understand that if you're having these conversations while she's drunk they are NOT serving her any purpose. She's going to wake up the next day and not even remember what she told you. You're going to wake up emotionally exhausted and then guilty for wanting to live your own life. It's not a healthy system.
No child should feel *so* responsible for their parent - especially one that is perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. I understand that you love your mom and want to help, but just watch that fine line between supporting your parent and sacrificing your life. You're already doing the best possible job in spending time with her and caring for her. But please realize there is absolutely nothing you can do to make up for the bad things that happened to her (except listen within certain limits).
Also let her know (when sober) this incredible pressure you feel under. She might mistakingly think this is all harmless bonding. She may very well be completely oblivious to its impact on you. Trust me, judging by your description she is far less aware of your feelings than you are of hers. Make sure she knows. Use the suicide word - be specific about what is keeping you worried. Remind her that she's still a mom and needs to step up to the plate, regardless of the fact that you are now grown up. You deserve to know that your own mom isn't going to self-harm in your absence.
I know what it's like to be around a perpetually depressed and drinking parent. I don't mean to preach, but I just cringe at the anxiety you're describing. At the very least, just know that your feelings are valid.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Thank you very very much for reading & replying! I thought I'd written so much it would be a lot for anybody to take in. At the moment I just feel very confused, it's such a rollercoaster. Today was a good day and I adore my mum so much on these good days. I just never know which way it's going to go.
I've wanted to tell her for a long time that we can't talk when she's been drinking but it's a very hard thing to say. I've gone part way in explaining how difficult I find it to see her like that, but as much as I've always wanted to refuse to talk when she's drunk I'm worried it would just provoke a bitter reaction. If she starts arguing with me I don't pursue it much, I cut it off and by the time she's slept off the alcohol it's all over. But I feel bad avoiding her when she drinks, just because it would mean avoiding her an awful lot. I'm working from home at the moment until I go back to university so I'm in pretty much all of the time.
I'm feeling particularly torn at the moment because on the one hand I keep imagining what it would be like to go and spend some time with my boyfriend and on the other hand I keep telling myself I have to stay here and now I just feel guilty for even thinking of going away. In some ways I do just appreciate spending time at home (on days like today) but then my life outside of my family is important too. If everything was normal then it would make perfect sense to go and spend that time with my boyfriend -- I've been home for about five weeks now, what's a week and a half compared to that? But then there's her leg and the drinking and the feeling of impending disaster -- that I might lose her sooner than I'd like to.
My dad and her are separated, he lives abroad. My mum finds contact with him very difficult, she says he made her very unhappy. He pays the mortgage on our house (despite living himself in a much smaller place which is not so nice) and I have a good relationship with him. One thing I try to do is stop both of them from bitching about the other in front of me, as I have good relationships with both of them and I don't need to hear the bitternesses of their marriage raked over. It doesn't help anything. Of course sometimes things come out anyway, but I'm generally quite insistent on not wanting to talk about their marriage at all.
I think you're right, my mum does feel sorry for herself. Although when I asked her if she wanted to stop she said of course she did. And she has tried, and she has sought help, told her doctor and things. It's a start. But then she justifies it to me, saying she was depressed before she started drinking, and she drinks because of pain (mental and physical) or after she's had a bad night (she gets terrible nightmares and dreams of things which happened to her). Somehow I think she thought the drinking would stop if she could cure the depression. I asked her why she didn't think the drinking was making the depression worse, and she seemed to think it was a question of quantity. I don't know why she thinks that. I just always thought alcohol was a depressant and if you were a depressive it would make your depression worse. But it's difficult to argue these things because I just get accused of not understanding.
Thanks very much again for reading, being able to say things anonymously here with people who've been through similar experiences really helps. I've found it a lot harder recently talking to people I know about this, just less comfortable because it feels like exposing my mum's private pain and problems. Hopefully I will go back to see the counsellor at my college when school starts because I've seen her a bit before and she was very helpful, though at the time I was more concerned about my own mental state than the effect of my mum's. But that won't be for another month, for now it just helps to have somewhere to write all this down. Yesterday was the first time I looked for a forum like this, I'd never tried before. In some ways I feel like my experience has never been as bad as many people's, and it's also been upsetting to read so many stories of children who've lost their parents early. It doesn't ever seem to end happily. In some ways that does make me feel worse.
I've wanted to tell her for a long time that we can't talk when she's been drinking but it's a very hard thing to say. I've gone part way in explaining how difficult I find it to see her like that, but as much as I've always wanted to refuse to talk when she's drunk I'm worried it would just provoke a bitter reaction. If she starts arguing with me I don't pursue it much, I cut it off and by the time she's slept off the alcohol it's all over. But I feel bad avoiding her when she drinks, just because it would mean avoiding her an awful lot. I'm working from home at the moment until I go back to university so I'm in pretty much all of the time.
I'm feeling particularly torn at the moment because on the one hand I keep imagining what it would be like to go and spend some time with my boyfriend and on the other hand I keep telling myself I have to stay here and now I just feel guilty for even thinking of going away. In some ways I do just appreciate spending time at home (on days like today) but then my life outside of my family is important too. If everything was normal then it would make perfect sense to go and spend that time with my boyfriend -- I've been home for about five weeks now, what's a week and a half compared to that? But then there's her leg and the drinking and the feeling of impending disaster -- that I might lose her sooner than I'd like to.
My dad and her are separated, he lives abroad. My mum finds contact with him very difficult, she says he made her very unhappy. He pays the mortgage on our house (despite living himself in a much smaller place which is not so nice) and I have a good relationship with him. One thing I try to do is stop both of them from bitching about the other in front of me, as I have good relationships with both of them and I don't need to hear the bitternesses of their marriage raked over. It doesn't help anything. Of course sometimes things come out anyway, but I'm generally quite insistent on not wanting to talk about their marriage at all.
I think you're right, my mum does feel sorry for herself. Although when I asked her if she wanted to stop she said of course she did. And she has tried, and she has sought help, told her doctor and things. It's a start. But then she justifies it to me, saying she was depressed before she started drinking, and she drinks because of pain (mental and physical) or after she's had a bad night (she gets terrible nightmares and dreams of things which happened to her). Somehow I think she thought the drinking would stop if she could cure the depression. I asked her why she didn't think the drinking was making the depression worse, and she seemed to think it was a question of quantity. I don't know why she thinks that. I just always thought alcohol was a depressant and if you were a depressive it would make your depression worse. But it's difficult to argue these things because I just get accused of not understanding.
Thanks very much again for reading, being able to say things anonymously here with people who've been through similar experiences really helps. I've found it a lot harder recently talking to people I know about this, just less comfortable because it feels like exposing my mum's private pain and problems. Hopefully I will go back to see the counsellor at my college when school starts because I've seen her a bit before and she was very helpful, though at the time I was more concerned about my own mental state than the effect of my mum's. But that won't be for another month, for now it just helps to have somewhere to write all this down. Yesterday was the first time I looked for a forum like this, I'd never tried before. In some ways I feel like my experience has never been as bad as many people's, and it's also been upsetting to read so many stories of children who've lost their parents early. It doesn't ever seem to end happily. In some ways that does make me feel worse.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southampton
Posts: 16
Hi Francesca,
I'm not sure to what extent this will help but I have been in pretty much the exact same situation as yourself. The only difference is that my Dad is still with my Mum though they have not been happily married for many years and it was only in the last couple that he started to come to terms with the fact that she is an alcoholic. He didn't seem to fully believe me while I was left at home looking after her when I was growing up and he was working away for weeks at a time. I am 25 and live in England. My mum also has told me terribly sad things about her life to do with her grandmother dying next to her in her bed and her grandfather hanging himself and finding out at 13 that she was adopted and her adoptive Dad dying when she was 17. Also of her and Dad getting a divorce before I was even born and throwing the papers at me one night cos he had had an affair. I also know of another affair that he has had that she does not know about. She too has given herself black eyes by falling onto the corner of the coffee table and bashing her forehead on a door and then trying to cover it when we went to a film premier of my dad's and me having to find powder for her to cover it up with. I'm only telling you this stuff so that perhaps you will realise that there is someone out there very similar to you who has been through the whole being away at uni thing when its not something you can really explain to others about. If you would like to stay in touch directly feel free to privately message me if it would help. Otherwise I just want to send some love to you because I recognise my own life in yours and know how lonely it feels.
Big hug
xxxxx
I'm not sure to what extent this will help but I have been in pretty much the exact same situation as yourself. The only difference is that my Dad is still with my Mum though they have not been happily married for many years and it was only in the last couple that he started to come to terms with the fact that she is an alcoholic. He didn't seem to fully believe me while I was left at home looking after her when I was growing up and he was working away for weeks at a time. I am 25 and live in England. My mum also has told me terribly sad things about her life to do with her grandmother dying next to her in her bed and her grandfather hanging himself and finding out at 13 that she was adopted and her adoptive Dad dying when she was 17. Also of her and Dad getting a divorce before I was even born and throwing the papers at me one night cos he had had an affair. I also know of another affair that he has had that she does not know about. She too has given herself black eyes by falling onto the corner of the coffee table and bashing her forehead on a door and then trying to cover it when we went to a film premier of my dad's and me having to find powder for her to cover it up with. I'm only telling you this stuff so that perhaps you will realise that there is someone out there very similar to you who has been through the whole being away at uni thing when its not something you can really explain to others about. If you would like to stay in touch directly feel free to privately message me if it would help. Otherwise I just want to send some love to you because I recognise my own life in yours and know how lonely it feels.
Big hug
xxxxx
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 5
Thanks sadgirl, though I do wish you didn't have to deal with this either! It's such a stupid crappy thing to have in your life. I spend so much time wishing this problem would go. I've been reading lots of stories of people's mums drinking on this forum and it's all so sad. So many women who seem to be so unhappy that they destroy themselves and then pass on that unhappiness to their families.
I had another one of these awful conversations with my mum the other day where she told me again and again that the alcohol was the only thing that stopped her from killing herself, and I think I understood a bit more some of the things that people have been saying on this forum. About not feeling responsible, and Dothi's advice about not getting into these conversations! I could have avoided it, I was just feeling so frustrated and I wanted to say things that might make her stop but it was just bad and unhelpful. I hope now to avoid that. I was so upset afterwards I must have spent a good hour crying, until I fell asleep on my sofa in my room because I was just exhausted.
Sometimes there are such stupid things which frustrate me. Like I find it so hard to be around when she's drunk and I get so upset and I can't control my feelings about it at all. We had dinner tonight and as usual I could barely eat or hold a conversation with her. She's so offensive and dull and repetitive. She'd made an amazing dinner with really nice marsh-fed lamb or something and it's just stupid but I wish she would stop making amazing dinners and then getting pissed because I can hardly eat a thing and half the food goes to waste. Oh well, at least the dog enjoys it.
Those things which your mum went through are terrible. Do you think her problems are a result of never having any counselling about those experiences? I think my mum could have benefitted from proper treatment a long time ago, it seems like it's too late now. I just hope that I never end up like this.
I wish I had the option to have a bit more distance. I broke up with my boyfriend recently who lived really near (shot myself in the foot haha) and my new boyfriend is in the US, so I can't exactly go over for a weekend. And these days I can't feel like I can talk about this very much -- he's coming to stay for three weeks at Christmas and I don't want to scare him! He's very sensitive and I know he'd understand, but it seems like so much to dump on someone. I don't want him to worry about meeting my mum. It used to be easier to talk about this stuff when I could just complain that my mum drank too much and I didn't like it, now it's threats of suicide it puts it on another level.
Anyway, thanks for replying! I have too much to say about this stuff ...
I had another one of these awful conversations with my mum the other day where she told me again and again that the alcohol was the only thing that stopped her from killing herself, and I think I understood a bit more some of the things that people have been saying on this forum. About not feeling responsible, and Dothi's advice about not getting into these conversations! I could have avoided it, I was just feeling so frustrated and I wanted to say things that might make her stop but it was just bad and unhelpful. I hope now to avoid that. I was so upset afterwards I must have spent a good hour crying, until I fell asleep on my sofa in my room because I was just exhausted.
Sometimes there are such stupid things which frustrate me. Like I find it so hard to be around when she's drunk and I get so upset and I can't control my feelings about it at all. We had dinner tonight and as usual I could barely eat or hold a conversation with her. She's so offensive and dull and repetitive. She'd made an amazing dinner with really nice marsh-fed lamb or something and it's just stupid but I wish she would stop making amazing dinners and then getting pissed because I can hardly eat a thing and half the food goes to waste. Oh well, at least the dog enjoys it.
Those things which your mum went through are terrible. Do you think her problems are a result of never having any counselling about those experiences? I think my mum could have benefitted from proper treatment a long time ago, it seems like it's too late now. I just hope that I never end up like this.
I wish I had the option to have a bit more distance. I broke up with my boyfriend recently who lived really near (shot myself in the foot haha) and my new boyfriend is in the US, so I can't exactly go over for a weekend. And these days I can't feel like I can talk about this very much -- he's coming to stay for three weeks at Christmas and I don't want to scare him! He's very sensitive and I know he'd understand, but it seems like so much to dump on someone. I don't want him to worry about meeting my mum. It used to be easier to talk about this stuff when I could just complain that my mum drank too much and I didn't like it, now it's threats of suicide it puts it on another level.
Anyway, thanks for replying! I have too much to say about this stuff ...
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 3
Francesca,
Its the first time i have ever been on this type of forum system and I have to say, when i was reading your original post i had tears streaming down my face. I still do. I feel so bad for you and can completly relate to the daily situation that you find yourself in.
My mum is an alcoholic and has been since I can remember. I know what you mean when you say you appreciate your mums company on a good day. My mum on a 'good' day is a breath of frsh air. Shes intelligent and articulate, shes great to be with and she has been such a good mum to me. I respect her when shes like that. Yet when she drinks its like i turn into a whole different person as well as she. It must be awful for you to have to have those coversations over dinner, i cant imagine. My situation is equally frustrating but on the other end of the scale. Whenever i bring up her drinking problem she completly closes up. I dont get eye contact and no words leave her mouth. Sometimes i shout so loud i get a 'yes im useless' or 'i dont know why'.
Everytime, near enough every day, this leads my to tears. It used to effect me so much more a year ago, but now i have a great boyfriend who i spend most of my time with. Im sorry you cant be with your boyfriend more. And you shouldnt feel guilty when you do visit him. For me its like another world, a happy one. And when i do come home, im always optomistic that mum will be sober, yet she never is. I think thats why i get so upset, its the constant let down.
Mum has lost so much, shes had accidents too. Shes lost her driving licence, her friends, two jobs and humiliated me no end. She has a good heart but it seems sometimes shes out to ruin things to me though i know thats never her intentions. I just dont know why she does what she does.
I cant really talk to my boyf or friends about this. They dont understand. Its simple. Today when my bf was round (I try not to have people in my house but it was unavoidable today) mum said something mean to him when drunk but to make it worse, he seemed to just snigger and pity her state. That hurt. Because people from outside of my family (consisiting of me, mum and nan) dont know the real women she is, the good person she is. He sees her for her current state and i find that hard to come to terms with.
I think i am almost in denial about it because i know she has a problem but i just dont have the courage to reach out to anyone for help. I dont have the strength to admit this to a GP. So i just dont know what to do. I have tried everything i know, shouting, talking, setting limits and goals. I sent her to AA but if you are still an alcoholic after three terms then they give up on you. So they gave up on her.
If I give up on her then she has no one.
Im so sorry to write such a long post. I just need to get this off my chest. I feel so down and resentful at times. Why cant i have a mother that i can rely on? Its often like she is the child in our relationship yet I am all that she lives for in a way. She tries to baby me so much and says strange 'baby' things to me which i find freaky.
I just need someone to understand. I know how you feel Francesca. But you need to go out and live your life. Thats the only thing i can say, i do this and its what gets me thorugh. Though when its home time, the problem is always waiting for you hey.
I hope youve had a good day today. My thoughts are with you all.
J xx
Its the first time i have ever been on this type of forum system and I have to say, when i was reading your original post i had tears streaming down my face. I still do. I feel so bad for you and can completly relate to the daily situation that you find yourself in.
My mum is an alcoholic and has been since I can remember. I know what you mean when you say you appreciate your mums company on a good day. My mum on a 'good' day is a breath of frsh air. Shes intelligent and articulate, shes great to be with and she has been such a good mum to me. I respect her when shes like that. Yet when she drinks its like i turn into a whole different person as well as she. It must be awful for you to have to have those coversations over dinner, i cant imagine. My situation is equally frustrating but on the other end of the scale. Whenever i bring up her drinking problem she completly closes up. I dont get eye contact and no words leave her mouth. Sometimes i shout so loud i get a 'yes im useless' or 'i dont know why'.
Everytime, near enough every day, this leads my to tears. It used to effect me so much more a year ago, but now i have a great boyfriend who i spend most of my time with. Im sorry you cant be with your boyfriend more. And you shouldnt feel guilty when you do visit him. For me its like another world, a happy one. And when i do come home, im always optomistic that mum will be sober, yet she never is. I think thats why i get so upset, its the constant let down.
Mum has lost so much, shes had accidents too. Shes lost her driving licence, her friends, two jobs and humiliated me no end. She has a good heart but it seems sometimes shes out to ruin things to me though i know thats never her intentions. I just dont know why she does what she does.
I cant really talk to my boyf or friends about this. They dont understand. Its simple. Today when my bf was round (I try not to have people in my house but it was unavoidable today) mum said something mean to him when drunk but to make it worse, he seemed to just snigger and pity her state. That hurt. Because people from outside of my family (consisiting of me, mum and nan) dont know the real women she is, the good person she is. He sees her for her current state and i find that hard to come to terms with.
I think i am almost in denial about it because i know she has a problem but i just dont have the courage to reach out to anyone for help. I dont have the strength to admit this to a GP. So i just dont know what to do. I have tried everything i know, shouting, talking, setting limits and goals. I sent her to AA but if you are still an alcoholic after three terms then they give up on you. So they gave up on her.
If I give up on her then she has no one.
Im so sorry to write such a long post. I just need to get this off my chest. I feel so down and resentful at times. Why cant i have a mother that i can rely on? Its often like she is the child in our relationship yet I am all that she lives for in a way. She tries to baby me so much and says strange 'baby' things to me which i find freaky.
I just need someone to understand. I know how you feel Francesca. But you need to go out and live your life. Thats the only thing i can say, i do this and its what gets me thorugh. Though when its home time, the problem is always waiting for you hey.
I hope youve had a good day today. My thoughts are with you all.
J xx
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