Has He Really Hit Rock Bottom & What Do I Do Now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Has He Really Hit Rock Bottom & What Do I Do Now?
Wow, only posted on the newcomer site 10 minutes ago and already received a welcoming response already. Thank you.
I have cut and pasted this from the newcomers site.
Has He Hit Rock Bottom & What Do I Do Now
hi, I am new to this board so let me begin my story.
I will try to keep it short.
Me 36
Fiance 36
I met my life partner last december or so I thought. Our first date he took me drinking and dancing. Over time and after I accepted his marriage proposal and after he moved in with me, I realized there was a drinking problem. He hid it very well.
Before I began to read up on alcoholism, I did the threats but never went through with them. I asked the why's of being lied to all the time. Finding the beer and vodka stashed outside.
Over time, The man I fell in love with disappeared and this monster who is verbally abusive when he drinks and tries to blame everything on me came out.
The jealousy, everything. Passing out, blackouts, not remembering what he did. Verbal abusing of me. then the I am sorry I will do better the next morning routine. I saw the cycle but didnt know how to break it.
Well it came to a head this past monday when he struck my 7 year old son. he hit him in the back of the head because he had smarted off to him and of course it was morning and he was in a bad mood. This same man that has been an absolute perfect "dad" to my son until that day. He said he realized he did wrong. He hit him with an open hand. I know it was hard enough to make him cry. I didnt witness it but my mom did. She however grew up in an alcoholic environment and hasnt really liked him at all since it dawned on her as well. She also has been jealous of my sons relationship with him. So she is also taking this opportunity and running with it. I do spank my child but on the rear end. My fiance knows this but 1.2.3 is what him and I both use and works great.
Needless to say, that was it. I came home from work because my mother witnessed it. (She lives with us) I asked him to move out that day and he did. Of course with all the begging pleading and crying. Until that night, he never said "I am an alcoholic and I cant help myself" He has rejoined AA. Turns out he has been struggling with this for about 4 years now.
He has now told me he knows he is an alcoholic. He cant take one drink because he doesnt know when to quit. He told me so much that I didnt even know. I knew he lied but didnt know the extent until he opened up and told me. He told me where he hid it. when he drank and thought to himself that he was getting away with it. The change to vodka so no one would smell it at work. He told me when ever I brought it up how he would turn the tables to get the heat off of him and put me on the defensive.
He never admitted any of this until this week. He wants to me to go an open meeting with him. He has given me AA books to read and I am trying to find an alanon support group here in town.
The question is, is he for real? has he hit rock bottom. He started antabuse and takes it in front of me. He has moved out but I have not given up on him so we have been communicating quite a bit about the alcoholism. What do I look for? How will I know that this just isnt another ploy. I told him it would take a long time to regain his trust and he would have to show me, not just tell me. I know this is a long process but I also have to take care of my son as well. I cant have him living with me. He also thanked me for kicking him out. He says his eyes have been opened. I feel he is sincere but I dont know.
Anybody please help me as I dont know if I should just cut my losses and run for my sons sake or hang in here in hopes that he is sincere and try to work it out.
Oh, my mother who lives with me has wrung her hands of him and is so mad that I am even speaking to him. My son wants to know when dad is coming home. I am being ripped into pieces not knowing what to do.
I own my own home so I dont have to depend on him, Thank the lord. But, I love this man also. I just dont know where to turn from here. I have honestly seen a change in him. Just by the way he is talking, but he does have a smooth tongue.
I just dont know if he is for real or not.
what do I do now??????
I have cut and pasted this from the newcomers site.
Has He Hit Rock Bottom & What Do I Do Now
hi, I am new to this board so let me begin my story.
I will try to keep it short.
Me 36
Fiance 36
I met my life partner last december or so I thought. Our first date he took me drinking and dancing. Over time and after I accepted his marriage proposal and after he moved in with me, I realized there was a drinking problem. He hid it very well.
Before I began to read up on alcoholism, I did the threats but never went through with them. I asked the why's of being lied to all the time. Finding the beer and vodka stashed outside.
Over time, The man I fell in love with disappeared and this monster who is verbally abusive when he drinks and tries to blame everything on me came out.
The jealousy, everything. Passing out, blackouts, not remembering what he did. Verbal abusing of me. then the I am sorry I will do better the next morning routine. I saw the cycle but didnt know how to break it.
Well it came to a head this past monday when he struck my 7 year old son. he hit him in the back of the head because he had smarted off to him and of course it was morning and he was in a bad mood. This same man that has been an absolute perfect "dad" to my son until that day. He said he realized he did wrong. He hit him with an open hand. I know it was hard enough to make him cry. I didnt witness it but my mom did. She however grew up in an alcoholic environment and hasnt really liked him at all since it dawned on her as well. She also has been jealous of my sons relationship with him. So she is also taking this opportunity and running with it. I do spank my child but on the rear end. My fiance knows this but 1.2.3 is what him and I both use and works great.
Needless to say, that was it. I came home from work because my mother witnessed it. (She lives with us) I asked him to move out that day and he did. Of course with all the begging pleading and crying. Until that night, he never said "I am an alcoholic and I cant help myself" He has rejoined AA. Turns out he has been struggling with this for about 4 years now.
He has now told me he knows he is an alcoholic. He cant take one drink because he doesnt know when to quit. He told me so much that I didnt even know. I knew he lied but didnt know the extent until he opened up and told me. He told me where he hid it. when he drank and thought to himself that he was getting away with it. The change to vodka so no one would smell it at work. He told me when ever I brought it up how he would turn the tables to get the heat off of him and put me on the defensive.
He never admitted any of this until this week. He wants to me to go an open meeting with him. He has given me AA books to read and I am trying to find an alanon support group here in town.
The question is, is he for real? has he hit rock bottom. He started antabuse and takes it in front of me. He has moved out but I have not given up on him so we have been communicating quite a bit about the alcoholism. What do I look for? How will I know that this just isnt another ploy. I told him it would take a long time to regain his trust and he would have to show me, not just tell me. I know this is a long process but I also have to take care of my son as well. I cant have him living with me. He also thanked me for kicking him out. He says his eyes have been opened. I feel he is sincere but I dont know.
Anybody please help me as I dont know if I should just cut my losses and run for my sons sake or hang in here in hopes that he is sincere and try to work it out.
Oh, my mother who lives with me has wrung her hands of him and is so mad that I am even speaking to him. My son wants to know when dad is coming home. I am being ripped into pieces not knowing what to do.
I own my own home so I dont have to depend on him, Thank the lord. But, I love this man also. I just dont know where to turn from here. I have honestly seen a change in him. Just by the way he is talking, but he does have a smooth tongue.
I just dont know if he is for real or not.
what do I do now??????
Last edited by confused36; 07-19-2003 at 09:28 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey confused!
First off, slow down and take a breath.....nothing has to be decided immediatley!!!! There is NO HURRY!! He isn't going anywhere.
This decision will be much easier if you begin by taking care of yourself. Get help for yourself 1st......Al-anon. Learning to detach and setting boundaries for yourself will help clear the fog so you can make a true decision not one for guilt or fear or whatever else we codie's make our selves believe.
As for him, well actions speak louder than words!!! Showing is better than telling and in my opinion, showing while not living with YOU is a great way to do it. If he is ready to do this he will be able to do it with or without you!!! You can not fix it or do it for him......he might like you to think that he can't make it without you, but if he REALLY wants to get sober, HE will have to do it.
Keep posting, Constant
First off, slow down and take a breath.....nothing has to be decided immediatley!!!! There is NO HURRY!! He isn't going anywhere.
This decision will be much easier if you begin by taking care of yourself. Get help for yourself 1st......Al-anon. Learning to detach and setting boundaries for yourself will help clear the fog so you can make a true decision not one for guilt or fear or whatever else we codie's make our selves believe.
As for him, well actions speak louder than words!!! Showing is better than telling and in my opinion, showing while not living with YOU is a great way to do it. If he is ready to do this he will be able to do it with or without you!!! You can not fix it or do it for him......he might like you to think that he can't make it without you, but if he REALLY wants to get sober, HE will have to do it.
Keep posting, Constant
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
(((((((confused)))))))))))
Does he have an AA sponsor? I agree with Constant~~~find an AA meeting.
IMHO, it was very good that you detached early and kicked him out. Personally, if my AH would ever strike on of my children, that would be it. The end. I know that is easier said than done.
Alcoholism is a progressive illness.
You are already on the right track by reading and educating yourself.
You do not need to make any decisions today. I tend to agree with your Mom. If you were my daughter, I'd want you to run.
Take care of yourself and your son. Alcoholism is progressive on both sides of the fence. The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and SO's become addicted to the alcoholic. This makes us co-dependents.
My thoughts are with you,
S
Does he have an AA sponsor? I agree with Constant~~~find an AA meeting.
IMHO, it was very good that you detached early and kicked him out. Personally, if my AH would ever strike on of my children, that would be it. The end. I know that is easier said than done.
Alcoholism is a progressive illness.
You are already on the right track by reading and educating yourself.
You do not need to make any decisions today. I tend to agree with your Mom. If you were my daughter, I'd want you to run.
Take care of yourself and your son. Alcoholism is progressive on both sides of the fence. The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and SO's become addicted to the alcoholic. This makes us co-dependents.
My thoughts are with you,
S
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Thanks so much for responding.
I am really torn about what happened with my son. He has ADHD and it was difficult combining households as I raise my son different than how he has raised his. One thing, I have never been afraid of this man. He has never shown any violent tendencies. I know he was rough on his kids, they are now 12 and 13 and he did spank them. They are well mannered and bahaved kids now. He knows however that I will not raise my son to respect me out of fear either.
Yes, I do spank. I went through a nasty divorce almost 2 years ago in which my sons dad literally abandoned him. I had a rough time with my son at that time and had to learn how to handle him on my own. So I think that has been one of my co-dependacies with my significant other as up until that day, He has been the most perfect dad my son could have. I know he did hit him and I have spoken with my son about this incident but with the history of my mom (I will explain later) I also wonder if she has blown everything out of proportion to give her an excuse to get rid of him.
I am trying to become more knowledgable. He is not begging to come home, which to me is a good sign. He has told me he has had this big weight lifted off his shoulders because all the lies are gone now. I speak with him on the phone and he does seem to be in better spirits. I was actually thinking I was going to see withdrawal signs but havent yet. Is this normal. He actually seems happy.
I know I am co-dependent. I am in law enforcement and saw the cycle and couldnt break it. Now I am standing in shoes that I never understood before.
I am taking it one day at a time. There is an open meeting tomorrow night and he wants me to go with him and I am.
I guess I am in the sit back and see stage. I dont know what else to do right now. I know I will definitely not raise my son in an alcoholic household. I also know however, that it isnt just ok, I am healed lets go forward type thing either.
His doctor took him off paxil the day he got his antabuse and put him on celexa. I had been telling him for a long time that I didnt think the paxil was doing anything anyway. His father is also an alcoholic but has not drank in years.
Also, one other thing. He was very very overweight as a child and now has an eating disorder as well. This is an off again on again thing. I always thought it was something he felt he could control in his life. He admitted it last night on the phone and agreed.
I am really torn about what happened with my son. He has ADHD and it was difficult combining households as I raise my son different than how he has raised his. One thing, I have never been afraid of this man. He has never shown any violent tendencies. I know he was rough on his kids, they are now 12 and 13 and he did spank them. They are well mannered and bahaved kids now. He knows however that I will not raise my son to respect me out of fear either.
Yes, I do spank. I went through a nasty divorce almost 2 years ago in which my sons dad literally abandoned him. I had a rough time with my son at that time and had to learn how to handle him on my own. So I think that has been one of my co-dependacies with my significant other as up until that day, He has been the most perfect dad my son could have. I know he did hit him and I have spoken with my son about this incident but with the history of my mom (I will explain later) I also wonder if she has blown everything out of proportion to give her an excuse to get rid of him.
I am trying to become more knowledgable. He is not begging to come home, which to me is a good sign. He has told me he has had this big weight lifted off his shoulders because all the lies are gone now. I speak with him on the phone and he does seem to be in better spirits. I was actually thinking I was going to see withdrawal signs but havent yet. Is this normal. He actually seems happy.
I know I am co-dependent. I am in law enforcement and saw the cycle and couldnt break it. Now I am standing in shoes that I never understood before.
I am taking it one day at a time. There is an open meeting tomorrow night and he wants me to go with him and I am.
I guess I am in the sit back and see stage. I dont know what else to do right now. I know I will definitely not raise my son in an alcoholic household. I also know however, that it isnt just ok, I am healed lets go forward type thing either.
His doctor took him off paxil the day he got his antabuse and put him on celexa. I had been telling him for a long time that I didnt think the paxil was doing anything anyway. His father is also an alcoholic but has not drank in years.
Also, one other thing. He was very very overweight as a child and now has an eating disorder as well. This is an off again on again thing. I always thought it was something he felt he could control in his life. He admitted it last night on the phone and agreed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
I couldnt edit my post for some reason. But I forgot some things.
He just started AA again. his second meeting was last week, however he didnt go. He went to a friends house and of course got drunk.
I asked him about a sponsor, he was given a sheet with some names from the 1st AA meeting he went to but I dont think he has spoken with anyone or asked for help from any of them. He has 1 AA chip that he did have in his pocket yesterday when he came by to get some things.
Something that bothers me as well. The one friend that he found to stay with is also an alcoholic. His wife doesnt like it either. But, he told me last night on the phone that he had never sat down and NOT drank with this friend except for the past 2 nights.
He told me he just sat there and looked at how bad his friend looked while he drank beer after beer and looked at how his wife reacted to him as well.
What a temptation it has to be to be staying with a friend that is drinking in front of him. Is that putting yourself in hell or what? Is he only NOT drinking because he knows what will happen with the antabuse in his system or has he actually realized?
I have so many questions and not many answers.
He just started AA again. his second meeting was last week, however he didnt go. He went to a friends house and of course got drunk.
I asked him about a sponsor, he was given a sheet with some names from the 1st AA meeting he went to but I dont think he has spoken with anyone or asked for help from any of them. He has 1 AA chip that he did have in his pocket yesterday when he came by to get some things.
Something that bothers me as well. The one friend that he found to stay with is also an alcoholic. His wife doesnt like it either. But, he told me last night on the phone that he had never sat down and NOT drank with this friend except for the past 2 nights.
He told me he just sat there and looked at how bad his friend looked while he drank beer after beer and looked at how his wife reacted to him as well.
What a temptation it has to be to be staying with a friend that is drinking in front of him. Is that putting yourself in hell or what? Is he only NOT drinking because he knows what will happen with the antabuse in his system or has he actually realized?
I have so many questions and not many answers.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Sorry, but this sounds like a whole lot of baggage to be starting a new relationship with. Beginnings should be a happy time.
You say you won't raise your son in an alcoholic environment....well, he is a card carrying alcoholic. It seems to me that there should be a whole lot of recovery before you consider a relationship with him. So keeping it simple, are you willing to wait?
Hugs,
JT
You say you won't raise your son in an alcoholic environment....well, he is a card carrying alcoholic. It seems to me that there should be a whole lot of recovery before you consider a relationship with him. So keeping it simple, are you willing to wait?
Hugs,
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Hi JT, thanks for responding
Yes, right now, I am willing to wait. My faith is still there but not my trust anymore.
I am hoping by educating myself, it will help me to decide if I want to stay on this long road ahead. I love this man very much and my heart is really heavy right now.
He is staying with friends until September 1st. He has given his tenant notice to move. He will then be able to move back into his own home.
He initially moved in because of money, thinking it would be better combining households to save. Of course as I took over the checkbook, I soon realized there was no saving anything. At that time we were planning our wedding as well.
He hid it very well and I guess being ignorant, it took me a while to figure some of it out. That is when I postponed the wedding and that is when things began to heat up between us to and his drinking actually got worse and the verbal abuse to me started.
I told him, I felt he was rushing me to marry him thinking in his alcoholic mind that once we were married he could do what he wanted and I wouldnt do anything.
Yes, right now, I am willing to wait. My faith is still there but not my trust anymore.
I am hoping by educating myself, it will help me to decide if I want to stay on this long road ahead. I love this man very much and my heart is really heavy right now.
He is staying with friends until September 1st. He has given his tenant notice to move. He will then be able to move back into his own home.
He initially moved in because of money, thinking it would be better combining households to save. Of course as I took over the checkbook, I soon realized there was no saving anything. At that time we were planning our wedding as well.
He hid it very well and I guess being ignorant, it took me a while to figure some of it out. That is when I postponed the wedding and that is when things began to heat up between us to and his drinking actually got worse and the verbal abuse to me started.
I told him, I felt he was rushing me to marry him thinking in his alcoholic mind that once we were married he could do what he wanted and I wouldnt do anything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Thanks JT, I understood what you were trying to tell me.
How do you deal with the family though?
I feel confused because my best friend (who was in an A and violent abusive relationship with her first husband) keeps telling me as well as the few family members that know about this, to run like heck.
My brain says run and run fast. My heart of course says, you love this man, you have finally found a true soul mate, you have to give him a chance.
How do you deal with the family though?
I feel confused because my best friend (who was in an A and violent abusive relationship with her first husband) keeps telling me as well as the few family members that know about this, to run like heck.
My brain says run and run fast. My heart of course says, you love this man, you have finally found a true soul mate, you have to give him a chance.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
To heck with the family...this is your life...
You can, however, take some time to figure out what it is you WANT in life and a relationship. Write it down.
Then hold that up and compare it to what you have.
The heart sometimes plays tricks on us and therein lies the confusion. When your head and your heart don't agree.
Emotionally it is nice to have someone to lean on...can you? We all need a supportive voice in our lives...is he? We need stability and safety...does this relationship fit the bill? We need honesty and trust.
If you aren't sure...wait...you don't have to make a decision today.
Has anyone mentioned Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" ? It is a good starting off point. Get a copy today and read.
And did I say welcome??
JT
You can, however, take some time to figure out what it is you WANT in life and a relationship. Write it down.
Then hold that up and compare it to what you have.
The heart sometimes plays tricks on us and therein lies the confusion. When your head and your heart don't agree.
Emotionally it is nice to have someone to lean on...can you? We all need a supportive voice in our lives...is he? We need stability and safety...does this relationship fit the bill? We need honesty and trust.
If you aren't sure...wait...you don't have to make a decision today.
Has anyone mentioned Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" ? It is a good starting off point. Get a copy today and read.
And did I say welcome??
JT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Thanks for the welcome JT
I have felt very welcomed here since I posted last night.
I am a very independant person. My ex husband is military thus I was on my own a lot and basically had no choice but to be independent. I am not really a needy person because of this.
This always seemed to bother my A because I have always been used to doing things myself instead of asking someone else to do it for me.
Some things I learned while he was drinking is his true feelings on a lot of things came out thus I worked on my part. I know I am not perfect by no means.
Being independent I had to learn to quit saying I and My and learn to say We and Our. That was hard on my part but I have learned to do this.
Now, My mother:
I lost my father to cancer in 1994. My mother has congestive heart failure she is 64. In 1995 she moved in with me and my ex husband. At first, she was very good so to speak or she kept out of our business. The problem came when I got my divorce and started dating.
I was the 18 year old again living in moms house instead of the 34 year old paying my own bills in my own home. There was only 1 man before my A that I ever allowed my son to meet while dating. She was sooooo rude to this man for no reason and I was mortified. we went round and round. I have never fought with my mother as I have the last 2 years. She lives here with me rent free, doesnt help with groceries. She has helped on occassion with big things like last summer my air went out and she did pay to have it replaced. But then when I do something she doesnt like she throws it up in my face and says she has a right to say whatever because she now feels she has part ownership in MY home.
Needless to say, she accepted my A to an extent. but with everything that has happened this past week she has took the ball and ran with it.
I find out today that she has been telling my 7 year old that he is now the man of the house the my A isnt coming back. Remember this is the only DAD he has known. So what she says she is doing in the best interest of my son is hurting him. Its like she is trying to get my son on her side.
Anyway, she got mad last night and squeeled tires out and ended up staying in a motel. She called this morning and said she would be home tomorrow morning.
Now, she does take care of my son when I work and has been a big help. My brother wont take my mom. He doesnt want to have to deal with it. So I am stuck with the responsibility of taking care of mom. Her house is rented and she couldnt live alone if she wanted to.
But it is like she has decided for me that it is over and i need to move on. The funny thing about it though is if that is what I decide. the next man wont be good enough either.
It boils down to she is jealous of anybody that takes me and my son away from her and I guess feels threated. So my A has been graciously dealing with my mother for me. until that day, then all the pent up anger on both sides came out and it was a F you match and in front of my son to boot. He has never never witnessed anything like that. I have never argued in front of him.
my son only knew that dad got angry and smacked him. now dad is gone and nana and mama and dad are angry at each other.
So that is my mom story. I swear, I think I am going to be able to handle the A better than mom. But, I know I might be fooling myself with that as well. But I am taking it slow, but I have mom 24 hours a day jabbing and jabbing and jabbing.
I have felt very welcomed here since I posted last night.
I am a very independant person. My ex husband is military thus I was on my own a lot and basically had no choice but to be independent. I am not really a needy person because of this.
This always seemed to bother my A because I have always been used to doing things myself instead of asking someone else to do it for me.
Some things I learned while he was drinking is his true feelings on a lot of things came out thus I worked on my part. I know I am not perfect by no means.
Being independent I had to learn to quit saying I and My and learn to say We and Our. That was hard on my part but I have learned to do this.
Now, My mother:
I lost my father to cancer in 1994. My mother has congestive heart failure she is 64. In 1995 she moved in with me and my ex husband. At first, she was very good so to speak or she kept out of our business. The problem came when I got my divorce and started dating.
I was the 18 year old again living in moms house instead of the 34 year old paying my own bills in my own home. There was only 1 man before my A that I ever allowed my son to meet while dating. She was sooooo rude to this man for no reason and I was mortified. we went round and round. I have never fought with my mother as I have the last 2 years. She lives here with me rent free, doesnt help with groceries. She has helped on occassion with big things like last summer my air went out and she did pay to have it replaced. But then when I do something she doesnt like she throws it up in my face and says she has a right to say whatever because she now feels she has part ownership in MY home.
Needless to say, she accepted my A to an extent. but with everything that has happened this past week she has took the ball and ran with it.
I find out today that she has been telling my 7 year old that he is now the man of the house the my A isnt coming back. Remember this is the only DAD he has known. So what she says she is doing in the best interest of my son is hurting him. Its like she is trying to get my son on her side.
Anyway, she got mad last night and squeeled tires out and ended up staying in a motel. She called this morning and said she would be home tomorrow morning.
Now, she does take care of my son when I work and has been a big help. My brother wont take my mom. He doesnt want to have to deal with it. So I am stuck with the responsibility of taking care of mom. Her house is rented and she couldnt live alone if she wanted to.
But it is like she has decided for me that it is over and i need to move on. The funny thing about it though is if that is what I decide. the next man wont be good enough either.
It boils down to she is jealous of anybody that takes me and my son away from her and I guess feels threated. So my A has been graciously dealing with my mother for me. until that day, then all the pent up anger on both sides came out and it was a F you match and in front of my son to boot. He has never never witnessed anything like that. I have never argued in front of him.
my son only knew that dad got angry and smacked him. now dad is gone and nana and mama and dad are angry at each other.
So that is my mom story. I swear, I think I am going to be able to handle the A better than mom. But, I know I might be fooling myself with that as well. But I am taking it slow, but I have mom 24 hours a day jabbing and jabbing and jabbing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Also, in response to your questions JT
I never believed in love at first sight until I met my A.
Its one of those things that you wonder if its to good to be true. I guess it was.
He was perfect. He read my mind. I never asked for anything, he just did it. It was like we were twins. The perfect match. I had never been happier. Our communication was great, or so I thought. we communicated about everything except for his drinking.
I dont want to fool myself, as I have popped my son in the mouth before if it was something he did that I really wanted to make an impact with him on. I didnt witness what happened. I do know though that I have never give my A the authority to spank my son much less pop him. The thing about it is my son acts as if nothing bad happened that day. Its like he has only seen the repercussions of what happened and doesnt know why. So I really dont know what did happen. My A has apologized and said what he did was not justified by no means and would never lay a hand on my son again. Point being though is that it did happen and I can never allow it to happen again. If only I had seen what took place that day. Maybe my mind would be clearer.
I have tried to browse the site as much as I can as I know I havent lived this way for years like some of these strong people on this board have been doing.
I never believed in love at first sight until I met my A.
Its one of those things that you wonder if its to good to be true. I guess it was.
He was perfect. He read my mind. I never asked for anything, he just did it. It was like we were twins. The perfect match. I had never been happier. Our communication was great, or so I thought. we communicated about everything except for his drinking.
I dont want to fool myself, as I have popped my son in the mouth before if it was something he did that I really wanted to make an impact with him on. I didnt witness what happened. I do know though that I have never give my A the authority to spank my son much less pop him. The thing about it is my son acts as if nothing bad happened that day. Its like he has only seen the repercussions of what happened and doesnt know why. So I really dont know what did happen. My A has apologized and said what he did was not justified by no means and would never lay a hand on my son again. Point being though is that it did happen and I can never allow it to happen again. If only I had seen what took place that day. Maybe my mind would be clearer.
I have tried to browse the site as much as I can as I know I havent lived this way for years like some of these strong people on this board have been doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
I am so tired today. I have enjoyed spending some quality time with my son. Since my mom wont be home until tomorrow, its nice having my house back.
JT, I found the book you suggested on ebay (I am an ebay junkie, as I buy and sell) I have puchased it and cant wait for it to arrive.
What little I read and have analyzed of myself today without mom around leads me to already that my mom is co dependent on me and possibly vice-versa to an extent.
I have so much I need to be doing here at home and just cant seem to find the energy to do anything besides sit here and type on my computer.
I spoke with my boyfriend today. I will be going with him to his AA meeting tomorrow night and he said he will be finding a sponsor.
Can they fake an "awakening"? I know he is not drinking as he knows what the anatabuse will do to him.
Also, he wants me to give it to him everyday. I know I am not his mother but he wants me to know that he takes it. I really think I need to give him the bottle and tell him he has to do it himself. What do you guys think? I am getting all the promises again as usual, but his mentality I can honestly say is different this time.
He says he is doing this for himself not me. He says he knows that I am his reward so to speak if he can beat this. So, is he basically saying he is doing it for me or not?
He also told me last night that whether we ended up parting ways or staying together that he finally had the resolve to do this one way or another.
Anybody been through this and it ended up being a lie? I know they relapse, but is this just another ploy?
Also, I have told him I have found a website that is helping me. I was reading on the AA thread earlier and thought this could help him as well. He works 24 hour shifts in fire/ems. He could still have access to help via the internet. Should I keep this place as my personal place for now? I dont mind him reading what I am writing as I have told him everything I have written here.
JT, I found the book you suggested on ebay (I am an ebay junkie, as I buy and sell) I have puchased it and cant wait for it to arrive.
What little I read and have analyzed of myself today without mom around leads me to already that my mom is co dependent on me and possibly vice-versa to an extent.
I have so much I need to be doing here at home and just cant seem to find the energy to do anything besides sit here and type on my computer.
I spoke with my boyfriend today. I will be going with him to his AA meeting tomorrow night and he said he will be finding a sponsor.
Can they fake an "awakening"? I know he is not drinking as he knows what the anatabuse will do to him.
Also, he wants me to give it to him everyday. I know I am not his mother but he wants me to know that he takes it. I really think I need to give him the bottle and tell him he has to do it himself. What do you guys think? I am getting all the promises again as usual, but his mentality I can honestly say is different this time.
He says he is doing this for himself not me. He says he knows that I am his reward so to speak if he can beat this. So, is he basically saying he is doing it for me or not?
He also told me last night that whether we ended up parting ways or staying together that he finally had the resolve to do this one way or another.
Anybody been through this and it ended up being a lie? I know they relapse, but is this just another ploy?
Also, I have told him I have found a website that is helping me. I was reading on the AA thread earlier and thought this could help him as well. He works 24 hour shifts in fire/ems. He could still have access to help via the internet. Should I keep this place as my personal place for now? I dont mind him reading what I am writing as I have told him everything I have written here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
confused,
I'm very happy to hear that you've already purchased *Co-Dependent No-More.* I bought my mine soon after it was published....over a decade ago.
I really liked what JT had to say, and that is where I am with my AH right now~~~~my heart says yes, yes yes! I believe you! I believe you! I can trust you, and I can trust me. But my head says two words~~~NO WAY. That's just where I'm at. I've been with my AH for 22 years...married for 20. We have three fabulous kids. I've been involved with Al-Anon, on and off, for 19 years. I'm 41.
Confused, I do get a strong sense of your independence and strong desire to do *what it right.* Know what? That's exactly where I am this very second. I want to do *what it right.* You and I are in exactly the same place...searching for answers, wanting reassurance, researching and seeking out help. You are fairly new in your relationship with a man you love deeply, who is an alcoholic. And I've been with my A for 22 years, a man who I loved, supported, believed in and trusted over and over again. And WE are in the same place.
I wish I could offer answers for you...gosh, I wish I had them for me! I'm just a woman who chose to remain in a marriage with an alcoholic husband for 20 years. There were ups and downs. He had periods of sobriety lasting from 2 months to 2 years. He's been through treatment a couple of times, and in and out of AA. I detached with love, supported him, rebuilt the trust, believed in him many times over. I did it because I do love him and he is the father, a terrific father, to our children.
Six months ago, a couple of alcohol-related incidents pushed me to the edge. I finally hit MY bottom and I had to make a drastic change in my life. (tears are flowing as I'm writing this and frankly, that does not happen much to me anymore) We separated. He DID get involved in AA, and he got a wonderful sponsor that probably saved his life and he is chairing meetings. We are also seeing a therapist. This is the first time he's ever had a sponser. He is truly working the program and I am seeing lots of changes in him. This is also the first time that I have asked him to leave. Did he hit his bottom? Is this change *for real?* I don't know. I do know that he is making an effort.
However, I'm still feeling the pain of the consequences of his drinking. The walls ramain very high and very thick around me. My heart wants him back, and my head says no.
The wonderfully supportive people on this forum have encouraged me to give myself the gift of time, and that is what I am doing. I'm working on my recovery, and I need to see if my husband can pass the test of time. He is my soul mate, if there truly is such a thing, and I do love him. But I don't know if I can live with him.
The most important thing I've learned in the last six months is about trust. I no longer ask myself...can I trust him.....instead, I ask if I can trust me.
Please give yourself the gift of time. You appear to have so much going on in your life right now. Please take the time to truly focus on you and your son.
You are not responsible for his drinking, and you can not be responsible for his sobriety.
Alcoholism is progressive.
Take care~~~my thoughts are with you,
Sarah
I'm very happy to hear that you've already purchased *Co-Dependent No-More.* I bought my mine soon after it was published....over a decade ago.
I really liked what JT had to say, and that is where I am with my AH right now~~~~my heart says yes, yes yes! I believe you! I believe you! I can trust you, and I can trust me. But my head says two words~~~NO WAY. That's just where I'm at. I've been with my AH for 22 years...married for 20. We have three fabulous kids. I've been involved with Al-Anon, on and off, for 19 years. I'm 41.
Confused, I do get a strong sense of your independence and strong desire to do *what it right.* Know what? That's exactly where I am this very second. I want to do *what it right.* You and I are in exactly the same place...searching for answers, wanting reassurance, researching and seeking out help. You are fairly new in your relationship with a man you love deeply, who is an alcoholic. And I've been with my A for 22 years, a man who I loved, supported, believed in and trusted over and over again. And WE are in the same place.
I wish I could offer answers for you...gosh, I wish I had them for me! I'm just a woman who chose to remain in a marriage with an alcoholic husband for 20 years. There were ups and downs. He had periods of sobriety lasting from 2 months to 2 years. He's been through treatment a couple of times, and in and out of AA. I detached with love, supported him, rebuilt the trust, believed in him many times over. I did it because I do love him and he is the father, a terrific father, to our children.
Six months ago, a couple of alcohol-related incidents pushed me to the edge. I finally hit MY bottom and I had to make a drastic change in my life. (tears are flowing as I'm writing this and frankly, that does not happen much to me anymore) We separated. He DID get involved in AA, and he got a wonderful sponsor that probably saved his life and he is chairing meetings. We are also seeing a therapist. This is the first time he's ever had a sponser. He is truly working the program and I am seeing lots of changes in him. This is also the first time that I have asked him to leave. Did he hit his bottom? Is this change *for real?* I don't know. I do know that he is making an effort.
However, I'm still feeling the pain of the consequences of his drinking. The walls ramain very high and very thick around me. My heart wants him back, and my head says no.
The wonderfully supportive people on this forum have encouraged me to give myself the gift of time, and that is what I am doing. I'm working on my recovery, and I need to see if my husband can pass the test of time. He is my soul mate, if there truly is such a thing, and I do love him. But I don't know if I can live with him.
The most important thing I've learned in the last six months is about trust. I no longer ask myself...can I trust him.....instead, I ask if I can trust me.
Please give yourself the gift of time. You appear to have so much going on in your life right now. Please take the time to truly focus on you and your son.
You are not responsible for his drinking, and you can not be responsible for his sobriety.
Alcoholism is progressive.
Take care~~~my thoughts are with you,
Sarah
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Oh Sarah, We are in the same place arent we?
I know only time will tell. You said also you see a "change" in him this time. I know you have had years to see changes and I only months. I as well see something that I have never seen before. A resolve to do it this time.
I feel he has really opened up to me and poured it all out. (what a choice of words I have)
As he has admitted, yes, he is an alcoholic and yes he knows he cannot take even one drink because then the control is out of his hands. These things plus more admitted 2 days ago.
Sarah, if I can ask. You said he is a wonderful father.
Speaking to my A's ex wife, she too has always said he is a wonderful father to their 2 boys. I see this by being around the kids and knowing they are great kids. I just cannot comprehend him striking my son. but I know he did.
Did your spouse ever do anything to the children, indirectly or directly? I have questioned my son in a round about way but I dont want him to think this is his fault by no means but I want to know if he has kept secrets with my A. my son is very secure in their relationship and wants to know when dad is coming home.
How to do ask or explain to a 7 year old?
I know only time will tell. You said also you see a "change" in him this time. I know you have had years to see changes and I only months. I as well see something that I have never seen before. A resolve to do it this time.
I feel he has really opened up to me and poured it all out. (what a choice of words I have)
As he has admitted, yes, he is an alcoholic and yes he knows he cannot take even one drink because then the control is out of his hands. These things plus more admitted 2 days ago.
Sarah, if I can ask. You said he is a wonderful father.
Speaking to my A's ex wife, she too has always said he is a wonderful father to their 2 boys. I see this by being around the kids and knowing they are great kids. I just cannot comprehend him striking my son. but I know he did.
Did your spouse ever do anything to the children, indirectly or directly? I have questioned my son in a round about way but I dont want him to think this is his fault by no means but I want to know if he has kept secrets with my A. my son is very secure in their relationship and wants to know when dad is coming home.
How to do ask or explain to a 7 year old?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
My husband was never phsical with our children. They've seen some odd behavior....strange euphoria, glassy eyes, slurred speech, mood swings and anger, but nothing physical. The kids didn't know what was wrong....he never drank in front of them, and was a binge drinker...never at home, until the last six months before we both hit bottom. Then he'd sneak it at home.
I didn't tell my kids that Dad is an alcoholic. We kept it a secret....bad decision....very bad decision. They found out after he had driven drunk (they were not with him, thank God), hit a car, fled the scene fo the accident and drove MY wrecked SUV into the garage. He ran into the house hysterical. My father came to the house and took my husband to the police station to turn himself in. That's when they found out. And our house was crawling with cops. Where was I? Two hours before this happened, I had boarded a plane for a two day business trip. AH had promised me before he left that he would not drink. He was in charge on our three children. I thought I was protecting them....I was doing quite the opposite.
Now that they know, we are open and honest about everything. I'm learning more and more about incidents that took place, where they now think that Dad was drinking.
See, my AH has a very succesful career, and is very well-respected in our community. And he has the ability to convice me that the sky is GREEN.
Looking back to all of my years of dealing with this, I have only one regret....not educating our children. I'm so thankful that they weren't in the car when he wrecked it. I know that we are not supposed to have any *should haves* in our recovery, but I do regret not telling them about their Dad's illness, the signs of him being drunk and to NEVER, EVER, EVER get in a vehicle with anyone who they suspect has been drinking. They do know now.
Please confused....take the time you need to feel comfortable and confident with any decision that you make. If you suspect a hint of risk, trust your gut instinct. For me, the most important thing that I can do right now is to trust my gut instinct.
Take care,
S
I didn't tell my kids that Dad is an alcoholic. We kept it a secret....bad decision....very bad decision. They found out after he had driven drunk (they were not with him, thank God), hit a car, fled the scene fo the accident and drove MY wrecked SUV into the garage. He ran into the house hysterical. My father came to the house and took my husband to the police station to turn himself in. That's when they found out. And our house was crawling with cops. Where was I? Two hours before this happened, I had boarded a plane for a two day business trip. AH had promised me before he left that he would not drink. He was in charge on our three children. I thought I was protecting them....I was doing quite the opposite.
Now that they know, we are open and honest about everything. I'm learning more and more about incidents that took place, where they now think that Dad was drinking.
See, my AH has a very succesful career, and is very well-respected in our community. And he has the ability to convice me that the sky is GREEN.
Looking back to all of my years of dealing with this, I have only one regret....not educating our children. I'm so thankful that they weren't in the car when he wrecked it. I know that we are not supposed to have any *should haves* in our recovery, but I do regret not telling them about their Dad's illness, the signs of him being drunk and to NEVER, EVER, EVER get in a vehicle with anyone who they suspect has been drinking. They do know now.
Please confused....take the time you need to feel comfortable and confident with any decision that you make. If you suspect a hint of risk, trust your gut instinct. For me, the most important thing that I can do right now is to trust my gut instinct.
Take care,
S
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Thanks Sarah,
I have seen my son grow so much over the past 6 months alone that it is unreal. The change of having someone in his life as a father figure and who he calls dad, by his own choosing. This man has helped my child in so many ways. He took my child as his own and has done such a wonderful job.
When I realized the drinking problem, it went out of the house. But, only into whatever he could hide it in outside. I just got off the phone with him. He has his kids this coming w/e and they will be staying with me. He is off friday and will have them all day, but will then bring them to me to spend the night until sunday.
He has not asked but should I allow him to stay here friday night with the boys? Not in my bedroom but in the living room or kids room? Am I being to nice? I know he is not making plans for that and I am not sure I should even allow it. Just wondering.
He told me he knows this will take months to rebuild as we are starting over from scratch. He also said and I will quote " god forbid if we are not together at the end of this, but you know, I will be ok if we arent".
Something else, he browsed the AA site I emailed him at work today and some of the guys saw it at work and asked him. He said he told them that he was browsing it. He told me one of the guys came into his room(hes a fireman) afterwards and told him how proud he was of him. He works with the guys for 24hours at a time and they all know. Just nobody has ever confronted him.
I have seen my son grow so much over the past 6 months alone that it is unreal. The change of having someone in his life as a father figure and who he calls dad, by his own choosing. This man has helped my child in so many ways. He took my child as his own and has done such a wonderful job.
When I realized the drinking problem, it went out of the house. But, only into whatever he could hide it in outside. I just got off the phone with him. He has his kids this coming w/e and they will be staying with me. He is off friday and will have them all day, but will then bring them to me to spend the night until sunday.
He has not asked but should I allow him to stay here friday night with the boys? Not in my bedroom but in the living room or kids room? Am I being to nice? I know he is not making plans for that and I am not sure I should even allow it. Just wondering.
He told me he knows this will take months to rebuild as we are starting over from scratch. He also said and I will quote " god forbid if we are not together at the end of this, but you know, I will be ok if we arent".
Something else, he browsed the AA site I emailed him at work today and some of the guys saw it at work and asked him. He said he told them that he was browsing it. He told me one of the guys came into his room(hes a fireman) afterwards and told him how proud he was of him. He works with the guys for 24hours at a time and they all know. Just nobody has ever confronted him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
addition to my last post....
I want to clarify something~~~~through the years, with each and every alcohol-related incident, he would be remorseful, get help....AA, and I believed him each and every time. I supported him and stood by him. As in my previous post, he has the ability to convince me that the sky is GREEN.
Everybody loved him, everybody loved us as a couple. He is charming, charasmatic, and very loveable. As an alcoholic, he is selfish, manipulative, controlling, intimidating and dishonest. He grew up lying as a form of survival within his own dysfunctional family. Lying came easy for him. He is still struggling with that, even now with six months of recovery. He is learning to be honest and patient and selfless. He's come a long way, but he has a long way to go.
I call him KAA~~~the snake from Disney's Jungle Book. He laughs, but he knows it's true. His eyes will hypnotize you. He will convince you the sky is GREEN.
My AH also did the antabuse thing...on and off over the years. He even drank while on it once and ended up in the ER, and a couple of days in detox. It didn't help him. And for years, I would have him eat the antabuse in front of me for a few days before either he or I were scheduled to leave on a business trip. I was making myself responsible for his sobriety. My role evolved from partner to parent.
I'm not an expert. I have been down this road before....many, many times with this wonderful, smart, funny, well-educated, attractive man. It took me a long time to understand that no matter how much I love him, and want to help him, only he can choose a life of sobriety and true recovery. Does your BF have a strong faith in HP? We, like the A's, can only focus on one day at a time. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am powerless over the alcoholic. There ain't no amount of love out there strong enough to fix them if they are not truly commited to a life of sobriety.
confused.....I hear so much hope and desire in your posts. You have so much love and passion for this man. Please know that you will truly help him by helping yourself. Keep your focus off him and his recovery. You cannot control it.
By letting go of my husband, I finally allowed him to feel the pain that was necessary for him to make a choice.
Hope this helps you. I do understand the love you feel for him, and my intention is truly to encourage you to take some time, detach and take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Everybody loved him, everybody loved us as a couple. He is charming, charasmatic, and very loveable. As an alcoholic, he is selfish, manipulative, controlling, intimidating and dishonest. He grew up lying as a form of survival within his own dysfunctional family. Lying came easy for him. He is still struggling with that, even now with six months of recovery. He is learning to be honest and patient and selfless. He's come a long way, but he has a long way to go.
I call him KAA~~~the snake from Disney's Jungle Book. He laughs, but he knows it's true. His eyes will hypnotize you. He will convince you the sky is GREEN.
My AH also did the antabuse thing...on and off over the years. He even drank while on it once and ended up in the ER, and a couple of days in detox. It didn't help him. And for years, I would have him eat the antabuse in front of me for a few days before either he or I were scheduled to leave on a business trip. I was making myself responsible for his sobriety. My role evolved from partner to parent.
I'm not an expert. I have been down this road before....many, many times with this wonderful, smart, funny, well-educated, attractive man. It took me a long time to understand that no matter how much I love him, and want to help him, only he can choose a life of sobriety and true recovery. Does your BF have a strong faith in HP? We, like the A's, can only focus on one day at a time. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am powerless over the alcoholic. There ain't no amount of love out there strong enough to fix them if they are not truly commited to a life of sobriety.
confused.....I hear so much hope and desire in your posts. You have so much love and passion for this man. Please know that you will truly help him by helping yourself. Keep your focus off him and his recovery. You cannot control it.
By letting go of my husband, I finally allowed him to feel the pain that was necessary for him to make a choice.
Hope this helps you. I do understand the love you feel for him, and my intention is truly to encourage you to take some time, detach and take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
confused...you are too quick for me! We must of posted at about the same time. I guess great minds think alike! ;o)
Should he stay at your home while his boys are there? You are the only one who can answer that. You need to do what you feel most comfortable in doing. Remember to think with your head as well as your heart.
I had another thought for you.....do you know why his first marriage ended? Do you know anything about a family history of alcoholism? I'm my H's 2nd wife.....he married the HS Homecoming Q after they graduated from college. Marriage didn't last....I know it was because of his drinking. His father died of alcohol-related illness and both his brothers were killed in alcohol-related accidents. There is a lot of history here.
I'm just trying to give you things to think about.....these are all the things that I should have considered before I married my husband. The *things I didn't know that I didn't know.* I was very young when we met....19 and married him when I was 21. He was older, and quite the charmer. I was swept off my feet. HE picked ME!?!?!?!?!?!
Now I know that he was the lucky one!!! LOL!
Should he stay at your home while his boys are there? You are the only one who can answer that. You need to do what you feel most comfortable in doing. Remember to think with your head as well as your heart.
I had another thought for you.....do you know why his first marriage ended? Do you know anything about a family history of alcoholism? I'm my H's 2nd wife.....he married the HS Homecoming Q after they graduated from college. Marriage didn't last....I know it was because of his drinking. His father died of alcohol-related illness and both his brothers were killed in alcohol-related accidents. There is a lot of history here.
I'm just trying to give you things to think about.....these are all the things that I should have considered before I married my husband. The *things I didn't know that I didn't know.* I was very young when we met....19 and married him when I was 21. He was older, and quite the charmer. I was swept off my feet. HE picked ME!?!?!?!?!?!
Now I know that he was the lucky one!!! LOL!
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