Did I take a step backwards?
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Did I take a step backwards?
Hi all,
I always want to start my posts by saying thank you. You are all so helpful with encouragement and kind constructive criticism. It is a good safe place.
Anyway, once again, I need your opinion. Did I take a step backwards? The AH called me several times yesterday. I didn't answer, and he didn't leave any messages. Finally, when he did, he was sober and said, "G...I want to take you up on your offer to bring me food and if you could, please bring my bible." I called back (yeah, I know)...I told him that I would this morning.
I met him half way between where he is and where I am. At first he called me to make sure I was coming. I said I was. He then proceed to explain to me that he had been staying in a place that he had been renting week to week (not homeless after all...), but now he has pawned all his stuff and he is out of money. He was moving out of there that day since he couldn't pay for it anymore. He said he wondered if Faith Farm (christian based shelter) would take him. First he asked to come home. I told him no..it was too far gone now. He said okay, would I still bring food. I said okay. He also mentioned that the woman he was with had flipped out several times and he couldn't remain in her company. I didn't really comment on that. I didn't want to get into it with him.
When I met him at a gas station, he pulled up. Stuff in his car pack to the hilt. His clothes were filthy. He has lost alot of weight. We hugged and both cried. I brought him a sub, a bottle of soda, water, and some chips. I went into the market, and picked him up a pack of smokes (I know I know). I watched him inhaling his food from his car. It was so so sad. When I came out, I asked him where he was going. Said he didn't know, but that he had to find some place because of his gas situation (on empty). I did perhaps another questionable thing...I filled up his tank.
He told me felt he was at his bottom. Can I find him a rehab, he asked. I told him that he had our insurance, but he had to call himself. They won't give me authorization on his behalf since it is mental health. I told him a number of places he could go for shelter.
I gave him his bible and brought him a pillow. First he cried, and then he gagged a bit. It was so so sad...my heart broke watching it. Then he said, okay...well...I am sorry about everything...you were a good wife to me, and I was a $h!t to you...take care...I know you have to go. I gave him one last hug, and we went in the opposite direction.
He didn't ask for money, and I didn't give it...I already had told him no.
Was I wrong to do this? I post this to remain accountable. What do you think? Of course, the pain was fresh all over again. I love this man and never wanted to see this happen. I know I can't rescue him, but I felt like I couldn't say no to the food since he wasn't asking for money. I filled his tank partly because he asked and partly because I felt pity. I rationalized that it wasn't cash and he couldn't spend it on booze...I hope he will use it to get to a rehab.
What do you think?
I always want to start my posts by saying thank you. You are all so helpful with encouragement and kind constructive criticism. It is a good safe place.
Anyway, once again, I need your opinion. Did I take a step backwards? The AH called me several times yesterday. I didn't answer, and he didn't leave any messages. Finally, when he did, he was sober and said, "G...I want to take you up on your offer to bring me food and if you could, please bring my bible." I called back (yeah, I know)...I told him that I would this morning.
I met him half way between where he is and where I am. At first he called me to make sure I was coming. I said I was. He then proceed to explain to me that he had been staying in a place that he had been renting week to week (not homeless after all...), but now he has pawned all his stuff and he is out of money. He was moving out of there that day since he couldn't pay for it anymore. He said he wondered if Faith Farm (christian based shelter) would take him. First he asked to come home. I told him no..it was too far gone now. He said okay, would I still bring food. I said okay. He also mentioned that the woman he was with had flipped out several times and he couldn't remain in her company. I didn't really comment on that. I didn't want to get into it with him.
When I met him at a gas station, he pulled up. Stuff in his car pack to the hilt. His clothes were filthy. He has lost alot of weight. We hugged and both cried. I brought him a sub, a bottle of soda, water, and some chips. I went into the market, and picked him up a pack of smokes (I know I know). I watched him inhaling his food from his car. It was so so sad. When I came out, I asked him where he was going. Said he didn't know, but that he had to find some place because of his gas situation (on empty). I did perhaps another questionable thing...I filled up his tank.
He told me felt he was at his bottom. Can I find him a rehab, he asked. I told him that he had our insurance, but he had to call himself. They won't give me authorization on his behalf since it is mental health. I told him a number of places he could go for shelter.
I gave him his bible and brought him a pillow. First he cried, and then he gagged a bit. It was so so sad...my heart broke watching it. Then he said, okay...well...I am sorry about everything...you were a good wife to me, and I was a $h!t to you...take care...I know you have to go. I gave him one last hug, and we went in the opposite direction.
He didn't ask for money, and I didn't give it...I already had told him no.
Was I wrong to do this? I post this to remain accountable. What do you think? Of course, the pain was fresh all over again. I love this man and never wanted to see this happen. I know I can't rescue him, but I felt like I couldn't say no to the food since he wasn't asking for money. I filled his tank partly because he asked and partly because I felt pity. I rationalized that it wasn't cash and he couldn't spend it on booze...I hope he will use it to get to a rehab.
What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
What do YOU think?
That is what matters, Silver. One of the greatest joys of recovering is thinking and acting for myself. I may get 50 people to agree with me and 50 who don't. Listening to myself is what's best.
Sometimes I do not know if I made the appropriate choice/decision/action until further along.
It seems to me you did exactly what you felt you should do, today, in this moment. Can you let it go at that?
That is what matters, Silver. One of the greatest joys of recovering is thinking and acting for myself. I may get 50 people to agree with me and 50 who don't. Listening to myself is what's best.
Sometimes I do not know if I made the appropriate choice/decision/action until further along.
It seems to me you did exactly what you felt you should do, today, in this moment. Can you let it go at that?
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Sounds like you did okay. I don't know if I'd call it a step back. maybe a step sideways, as now you can just get back on the path of your own recovery.
The only comment I would make would be that if you are going without because you gave to him, next time round you may want to reconsider.
Part of our illness is that we give to others too much and without disregard for ourselves. And while it is nice and good to give to others, because we're prone to giving out of our own need (so we don't feel gulity etc..) rather than as an act of kindness, things like this need to be examined first.
He'll be okay. As my sponsor says, give him to god.
And I'm glad you're doing better too!
The only comment I would make would be that if you are going without because you gave to him, next time round you may want to reconsider.
Part of our illness is that we give to others too much and without disregard for ourselves. And while it is nice and good to give to others, because we're prone to giving out of our own need (so we don't feel gulity etc..) rather than as an act of kindness, things like this need to be examined first.
He'll be okay. As my sponsor says, give him to god.
And I'm glad you're doing better too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Food, gas and a Bible. To me it sounds like you gave him some tools to actively seek help. It is up to him now.
Compassion is a great quality. You did not give him any money and you did not enable his drinking, he would just walk to a bar if he was out of gas and wanted a drink anyways. Most importantly you did not let him lower you down to his level. You came, you showed compassion and you left. I think that says a lot about your recovery and sticking to the boundaries you set.
He is in God's hands now and hopefully he will chose the right path today.
Denny57 said something important however, what do you think? In your heart if you feel it was a step back then use this as a lesson for the future. Keep praying and take some more steps forward.
Thanks for posting.
:praying
Compassion is a great quality. You did not give him any money and you did not enable his drinking, he would just walk to a bar if he was out of gas and wanted a drink anyways. Most importantly you did not let him lower you down to his level. You came, you showed compassion and you left. I think that says a lot about your recovery and sticking to the boundaries you set.
He is in God's hands now and hopefully he will chose the right path today.
Denny57 said something important however, what do you think? In your heart if you feel it was a step back then use this as a lesson for the future. Keep praying and take some more steps forward.
Thanks for posting.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: richmond,va
Posts: 307
i dont think you did but its more important what you think.if this builds a resentment in you then you need to ask yourself what you are and are not willing to do in this relationship.it is reopened anytime there is contact but there is a good side.you see that it wasnt nothing to do with you for his disease and that the only one can stop him or help him is him.food and gas and a bible just shows that you are compassionate not a enabler..the cigs questionable but as long as youre not in a financial bind because of it i wouldnt beat yourself up.im really glad you were able to stand youre ground and not give him any money..so pat yourself on the back.
lets just pray that he sees the light and even if he doesnt bottomline its not your fault.
lets just pray that he sees the light and even if he doesnt bottomline its not your fault.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
WWJD---What would Jesus do?
As a woman, I am so vunerable for loving a man. But I am still a woman who can be kind and compassionate. It is a learning experience to find out what works and does not work. With an alcoholic, sometimes I really do not know if I am dealing with the devil or if I am now dealing with the person who truly needs help and I can help them (and God is watching).
The only thing more that I think you could have done is to have told him that you do care, but you do not want alcoholism to kill him (your caring of giving a sandwich, etc, was there because you do care, but you do want him to make good decisions, and you do not want him to die because of alcoholism).
As a woman, I am so vunerable for loving a man. But I am still a woman who can be kind and compassionate. It is a learning experience to find out what works and does not work. With an alcoholic, sometimes I really do not know if I am dealing with the devil or if I am now dealing with the person who truly needs help and I can help them (and God is watching).
The only thing more that I think you could have done is to have told him that you do care, but you do not want alcoholism to kill him (your caring of giving a sandwich, etc, was there because you do care, but you do want him to make good decisions, and you do not want him to die because of alcoholism).
Looking for the silver lining
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: South Florida
Posts: 243
Originally Posted by denny57 
What do YOU think?
That is what matters, Silver. One of the greatest joys of recovering is thinking and acting for myself. I may get 50 people to agree with me and 50 who don't. Listening to myself is what's best.
Sometimes I do not know if I made the appropriate choice/decision/action until further along.
It seems to me you did exactly what you felt you should do, today, in this moment. Can you let it go at that?
That is what matters, Silver. One of the greatest joys of recovering is thinking and acting for myself. I may get 50 people to agree with me and 50 who don't. Listening to myself is what's best.
Sometimes I do not know if I made the appropriate choice/decision/action until further along.
It seems to me you did exactly what you felt you should do, today, in this moment. Can you let it go at that?
As an update...last night I went to a black tie affair with my aunt. I checked my phone half way through the night, and I had a message. It was Don's psychiatrist saying that he had called the emergency line, and he hadn't left a phone number. Would I call and give the number to him? Of course, I did. However, after that, I said a prayer and let it go to God. I didn't call him or try to find him. I didn't let Don know that I had passed the number on. I noticed the time I checked the message and the call were two hours a part. Naturally, I was concerned of the time lapse. But ultimately there was nothing I could do about it. I just prayed and let it go.
This morning, the AH called the house. I didn't pick it up. He didn't leave a message or call the cell. I saw the number and I knew I had to detach. I can't get sucked into the quacking. :chatter
He has to figure it out for himself. If I would have answered the phone, and talked to him, I felt that I would jeopardize both of us: My recovery from codieism and his opportunity to hit bottom and find some soberity (hopefully)...
I feel more serenity today. Thanks to all! :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Do what you feel you have to do, silverberry. It sounds like you're just feeling pity and compassion, not threatening to get sucked back into the nonsense. Have you thought about giving him fast food gift certificates? Can't readily trade those for cash for booze. Anyway, avoiding him at this point in time as much as you can (easier at home than at work, I'm sure...) is probably the safest for your sanity. YOU HAVE DONE WHAT YOU COULD DO.
Hugs,
GL
Hugs,
GL
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