Taking a load off
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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Taking a load off
I have to type this out before too much pressure builds.
My stepmother is an alcoholic. For almost all of the last 20+ years she was sober because my dad was the ultimate control freak. After he died four years ago it's been a constant struggle for her.
She recently took in a roommate from her group who was homeless. He helped her out a lot with heavy chores but, after stringing together several months of sobriety, one of them relapsed and the other followed.
Almost 24 hours ago her spleen was removed after she passed out behind the wheel and hit a tree. They were coming back from the liquor store and crashed a few yards away from home. That was the end of their week long binge and almost her life. This isn't the first time she's almost killed herself.
One of my childhood friends lives across the street from her. Thank God for him, he called me though I live a few states away. He called the paramedics first, then I passed on her medical info. She's insulin dependent and requires oxygen occasionally for respiratory ailments. After that I called her adult children who are local to her. The ER doctor said my friend did the right thing by not letting her go home when she tried, otherwise she would have died.
The oldest son told the roomy it was time to hit the road and I'm glad he did that, though he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. I'm part owner of the home and will have to file an eviction notice if he doesn't leave but he said he would. Thankfully my friend across the street is a carpenter by trade and has offered to change all the locks, keep an eye on the house.
Her children, my friend and I, all have about one week before she comes home from the hospital. I will probably fly back there sometime in the next few days. I have to decide what to do with the house and figure out liability issues.
I almost forgot to mention I just got back from there for another family member's funeral.
If there's a silver lining in all of this, it's the knowledge that my friend loves me and I love him. He's been keeping an eye on my 70 year old mom as well and doing repairs on her home, too. We never dated because we've always been like siblings. I never dreamed when I met him at 14 that he'd be a lifeline to me 30 years later.
Tonight I was in the grocery store and stopped in the aisle. Between my mom, my stepmother, my RAD and that funeral, I suddenly felt old. It was a momentary thing before I told myself to suck it up and keep moving. I really didn't want to type this all out but knew I needed to before feeling old became a permanent thing.
Thanks for reading and helping me release some stress
My stepmother is an alcoholic. For almost all of the last 20+ years she was sober because my dad was the ultimate control freak. After he died four years ago it's been a constant struggle for her.
She recently took in a roommate from her group who was homeless. He helped her out a lot with heavy chores but, after stringing together several months of sobriety, one of them relapsed and the other followed.
Almost 24 hours ago her spleen was removed after she passed out behind the wheel and hit a tree. They were coming back from the liquor store and crashed a few yards away from home. That was the end of their week long binge and almost her life. This isn't the first time she's almost killed herself.
One of my childhood friends lives across the street from her. Thank God for him, he called me though I live a few states away. He called the paramedics first, then I passed on her medical info. She's insulin dependent and requires oxygen occasionally for respiratory ailments. After that I called her adult children who are local to her. The ER doctor said my friend did the right thing by not letting her go home when she tried, otherwise she would have died.
The oldest son told the roomy it was time to hit the road and I'm glad he did that, though he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. I'm part owner of the home and will have to file an eviction notice if he doesn't leave but he said he would. Thankfully my friend across the street is a carpenter by trade and has offered to change all the locks, keep an eye on the house.
Her children, my friend and I, all have about one week before she comes home from the hospital. I will probably fly back there sometime in the next few days. I have to decide what to do with the house and figure out liability issues.
I almost forgot to mention I just got back from there for another family member's funeral.
If there's a silver lining in all of this, it's the knowledge that my friend loves me and I love him. He's been keeping an eye on my 70 year old mom as well and doing repairs on her home, too. We never dated because we've always been like siblings. I never dreamed when I met him at 14 that he'd be a lifeline to me 30 years later.
Tonight I was in the grocery store and stopped in the aisle. Between my mom, my stepmother, my RAD and that funeral, I suddenly felt old. It was a momentary thing before I told myself to suck it up and keep moving. I really didn't want to type this all out but knew I needed to before feeling old became a permanent thing.
Thanks for reading and helping me release some stress
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Is it old or the weight to the world that you are feeling?
It's tough watching our parents die, get old and become disabled. We need to be
strong and yet we often feel helpless. It reminds us of mortality and that it is
our turn to step up and be the next in line.
Sounds like your energy is all going out.
Take some time this weekend to get all of this off your mind for awhile.
It's tough watching our parents die, get old and become disabled. We need to be
strong and yet we often feel helpless. It reminds us of mortality and that it is
our turn to step up and be the next in line.
Sounds like your energy is all going out.
Take some time this weekend to get all of this off your mind for awhile.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending some prayers for your step mom. Do something nice for yourself. I know that tired old feeling that creeps up on your sometimes. I am glad that you have such a good friend that is willing to watch over your mom and help you during the tough times. Hugs, Marle
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Chino))
You sound like you have wonderful family and friends. That is such a true blessing. I can relate to the feeling old part. By 35 I felt like I was 90. The good news though is that now I'm 45 and feel like I'm only 60. (-:. The more I let go, the younger I feel.
You've got a good handle on your recovery, you are doing a great job dealing not only with addicted loved ones, but normal life stressors as well.
The only thing that stood out to me in your post was the "suck it up" part. Sucking it up to me means stuffing. Stuffing feelings and emotions and placing yourself last in a long list of things that need taking care of. If you stuff too much, well the seams will start to weaken and eventually break.
Give yourself permission to take the time you need to deal will all that is going on. If something doesn't get done, so what, the world will not end, but your health WILL suffer.
Instead of sucking it up, blow it out. Express it, acknowledge it, embrace it and walk through it, feel those feelings. Take the time to cry. Hug yourself.
Sending my own hugs and prayers your way.
B
You sound like you have wonderful family and friends. That is such a true blessing. I can relate to the feeling old part. By 35 I felt like I was 90. The good news though is that now I'm 45 and feel like I'm only 60. (-:. The more I let go, the younger I feel.
You've got a good handle on your recovery, you are doing a great job dealing not only with addicted loved ones, but normal life stressors as well.
The only thing that stood out to me in your post was the "suck it up" part. Sucking it up to me means stuffing. Stuffing feelings and emotions and placing yourself last in a long list of things that need taking care of. If you stuff too much, well the seams will start to weaken and eventually break.
Give yourself permission to take the time you need to deal will all that is going on. If something doesn't get done, so what, the world will not end, but your health WILL suffer.
Instead of sucking it up, blow it out. Express it, acknowledge it, embrace it and walk through it, feel those feelings. Take the time to cry. Hug yourself.
Sending my own hugs and prayers your way.
B
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Chino)))
You really do have a lot on your shoulders, right now. I agree with the above, feel the feelings, but take some time to do something nice, just for you. You deserve it, not just now, but always.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You really do have a lot on your shoulders, right now. I agree with the above, feel the feelings, but take some time to do something nice, just for you. You deserve it, not just now, but always.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Give yourself permission to take the time you need to deal will all that is going on. If something doesn't get done, so what, the world will not end, but your health WILL suffer.
Instead of sucking it up, blow it out. Express it, acknowledge it, embrace it and walk through it, feel those feelings. Take the time to cry. Hug yourself.
Instead of sucking it up, blow it out. Express it, acknowledge it, embrace it and walk through it, feel those feelings. Take the time to cry. Hug yourself.
I'm sorry about your stepmom but so glad you have good friends and family who are there for you. I think posting here may help you not to stuff it and to move through the feelings.
Now what just for Chino plan do you have this weekend?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I too can relate to feeling old. I'm 37 and sometimes things get to be so much I wonder if something is medically wrong with me because I'm so tired. Then I step back and think "well I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water right now." I have a REASON to be so tired and worn out. I just make sure to take my vitamins, drink lots of h20 and just keep going. At night when I stop, I have NO trouble sleeping. 
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
After sleeping nine blessed hours the weight of the world feels a little lighter! I woke up and almost freaked because I have so much to do in a few hours, then realized I was smiling! I thanked God and I'm thanking all of you now for helping lighten my load. I am blessed
frankly, you're right about 'stuffing'. I didn't want to reach out, I wanted to stuff, but I did and wow did it help. If any of it gets to feeling overwhelming again I will let it out. I'm remembering my dreams about the ocean and waves: I have to take a deep breath, go under and through the emotions or they will beat me up.
Tonight I'm out and about with some friends then up early for tailgating and I'm excited about it
frankly, you're right about 'stuffing'. I didn't want to reach out, I wanted to stuff, but I did and wow did it help. If any of it gets to feeling overwhelming again I will let it out. I'm remembering my dreams about the ocean and waves: I have to take a deep breath, go under and through the emotions or they will beat me up.
Tonight I'm out and about with some friends then up early for tailgating and I'm excited about it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Chino,
I would say you have been through a lot. Thank goodness for the neigbors you have up north where your stepmom lives. Sometimes I don't think I have neighbors like that here next to me.
Too bad the friend she made turned out in the wrong direction. Sometimes a person just needs a friend and it is just something that doesn't seem to happen a lot. I see so many people here alone and needing help. I used to help and then I was overwhelmed with it all and backed off as I had too.
I lost everyone in my family almost many many years ago and I don't know how I ever got through it all with me and my girls. But I think day by day is the only thing you can do, one thing at a time and thats is just the way it is.
They always say God doesn't give you more then a plateful but......I think the plate sizes have gotten much smaller!
Your not old, your tired and overwhelmed emotionally. That does make a person feel old mentally but your not!!! Nothing a few good days of relaxing wouldn't take care of. Now finding that is impossible!!!:atv
I would say you have been through a lot. Thank goodness for the neigbors you have up north where your stepmom lives. Sometimes I don't think I have neighbors like that here next to me.
Too bad the friend she made turned out in the wrong direction. Sometimes a person just needs a friend and it is just something that doesn't seem to happen a lot. I see so many people here alone and needing help. I used to help and then I was overwhelmed with it all and backed off as I had too.
I lost everyone in my family almost many many years ago and I don't know how I ever got through it all with me and my girls. But I think day by day is the only thing you can do, one thing at a time and thats is just the way it is.
They always say God doesn't give you more then a plateful but......I think the plate sizes have gotten much smaller!
Your not old, your tired and overwhelmed emotionally. That does make a person feel old mentally but your not!!! Nothing a few good days of relaxing wouldn't take care of. Now finding that is impossible!!!:atv
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
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My stepbrother just called me and my stepmother is still in ICU and heavily sedated, has a feeding tube. She knows she's in the hospital but that's all.
The roomy left peacefully and it's a good thing. Some of my stepmom's friends from her AA group went over to drag him out, only to find he had left.
Her sponsor lives down the street and has been visiting her twice a day, just to hold her hand and pray, read from the Big Book. She may not be conscious but I know she has to feel the love.
Her sponsor has volunteered to walk the dogs and make sure they're fed every day. My friend is replacing the locks tomorrow morning and we're all breathing a little easier.
My stepbrother hasn't ever attended an Alanon meeting, but he's practicing the steps and doesn't realize it. He's full of compassion but refuses to enable. He has his own family and said he can't let them suffer. He's glad she finally has to answer to the courts, said maybe this time she'll truly hit bottom.
My stepsister is an alcoholic too and this has really shaken her up. My RAD is heartbroken and wants to go visit. Who knows, maybe more silver linings will shine through the clouds.
Thanks everyone for being here with me
The roomy left peacefully and it's a good thing. Some of my stepmom's friends from her AA group went over to drag him out, only to find he had left.
Her sponsor lives down the street and has been visiting her twice a day, just to hold her hand and pray, read from the Big Book. She may not be conscious but I know she has to feel the love.
Her sponsor has volunteered to walk the dogs and make sure they're fed every day. My friend is replacing the locks tomorrow morning and we're all breathing a little easier.
My stepbrother hasn't ever attended an Alanon meeting, but he's practicing the steps and doesn't realize it. He's full of compassion but refuses to enable. He has his own family and said he can't let them suffer. He's glad she finally has to answer to the courts, said maybe this time she'll truly hit bottom.
My stepsister is an alcoholic too and this has really shaken her up. My RAD is heartbroken and wants to go visit. Who knows, maybe more silver linings will shine through the clouds.
Thanks everyone for being here with me
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Well I'm back to take another load off.
My stepmother is still in ICU and her nurse told me she isn't leaving any time soon. After putting it off all week, I'm flying in tomorrow then turning around and coming back home Saturday.
I called my mom to let her know I would be in town (always want to see her if only for a few minutes) and she asked what was up. I told her and she said "and you feel an obligation to be here?"
My mother isn't usually rude but that one was too much. I'm still a little disgusted and having a hard time shaking it. I fought the urge to revert to childhood form and say, well duh!
I'm not going just because I love my stepmother, I know she needs me. I'm also going because I know my father wants me there. I have felt him urging me all week. My native culture tells me obligation never ends. Even in the next life we are there for those who need us.
I would have a hard time forgiving myself if I didn't go, regardless of the outcome. To me it is a matter of honor, not just love. I have to honor her as the wife of my father. My father loved her and if I don't honor that, I have dishonored him too. My stomach was in knots until I made that airline reservation tonight.
It's just frustrating sometimes that my mother still doesn't understand how important honor is to me. I will not tell her that I am disappointed by her pettiness, but I had to let it out before it made me ill.
My stepmother is still in ICU and her nurse told me she isn't leaving any time soon. After putting it off all week, I'm flying in tomorrow then turning around and coming back home Saturday.
I called my mom to let her know I would be in town (always want to see her if only for a few minutes) and she asked what was up. I told her and she said "and you feel an obligation to be here?"
My mother isn't usually rude but that one was too much. I'm still a little disgusted and having a hard time shaking it. I fought the urge to revert to childhood form and say, well duh!
I'm not going just because I love my stepmother, I know she needs me. I'm also going because I know my father wants me there. I have felt him urging me all week. My native culture tells me obligation never ends. Even in the next life we are there for those who need us.
I would have a hard time forgiving myself if I didn't go, regardless of the outcome. To me it is a matter of honor, not just love. I have to honor her as the wife of my father. My father loved her and if I don't honor that, I have dishonored him too. My stomach was in knots until I made that airline reservation tonight.
It's just frustrating sometimes that my mother still doesn't understand how important honor is to me. I will not tell her that I am disappointed by her pettiness, but I had to let it out before it made me ill.
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I thought about it some more and realized it pained me that she is unable, unwilling, or not interested in understanding what honor means to me. I haven't changed in that regard in my 44 years, it only becomes stronger.
And you're right again Amy, it is her issue and that is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you, now I can let it go
And you're right again Amy, it is her issue and that is exactly what I needed to read. Thank you, now I can let it go
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Chino, I imagine she carries some insecurities being your mom and you also loving your step mom. Sad that she hasn't been able to overcome that but yes, it is her problem to own.
I'm glad you feel some relief, knowing you have made a decision to visit and hononr your parents. Safe journey and prayers for all
I'm glad you feel some relief, knowing you have made a decision to visit and hononr your parents. Safe journey and prayers for all
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Thank you and I'm so glad I made the trip. When she heard my voice she started crying and held my hand so tight. Her children thanked me today for being good to her, making sure she had a home. There is no way I could have done any different and lived with myself.
But we've come to an agreement that if she makes it through this, I'm going to force the sale of the house with her getting all the proceeds to live closer to her children. She'll need the money anyway, to pay for hospital bills, etc.
In the past it would have been impossible to sell because this was my grandparents home, there is so much sentiment in each and every wall. I remember cookouts in the backyard and roasted corn, I swear I can smell it. Because of my daughter I have learned it means nothing, not when it comes to life. I will support my stepmothers recovery but not her alcoholism.
Please say a prayer for her if you have them to spare. God's will be done.
But we've come to an agreement that if she makes it through this, I'm going to force the sale of the house with her getting all the proceeds to live closer to her children. She'll need the money anyway, to pay for hospital bills, etc.
In the past it would have been impossible to sell because this was my grandparents home, there is so much sentiment in each and every wall. I remember cookouts in the backyard and roasted corn, I swear I can smell it. Because of my daughter I have learned it means nothing, not when it comes to life. I will support my stepmothers recovery but not her alcoholism.
Please say a prayer for her if you have them to spare. God's will be done.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Chino))
I have a different perspective about your mom, I don't know her, but being a mom myself, I thought about what she said and maybe why.
This is my thoughts. You are her daughter, she loves you with all of her heart and she may worry about the stress you are under and the emotional toll this is all taking on you, though not expressed that way, it did jump out at me as maybe said out of fear, ...for you.
With my own daughter, sometimes I become torn, between wanting to protect her and trying to stay out of her way to let her live her life her way. Every now and then though, I slip and words come out of my mouth that to her may seem harsh or insensitive, when in reality, it's because I love her and I worry that she will get hurt or take on too much. I don't care if it's about her friend or her babies dad or even if she feels an obligation or anything really, at that very moment, all I care about is her, and words just like your mothers just seem to spill from my lips.
I'm glad you went, and I hope you find it in your heart to forgive your mom.
Hugs and Prayers
B
I have a different perspective about your mom, I don't know her, but being a mom myself, I thought about what she said and maybe why.
This is my thoughts. You are her daughter, she loves you with all of her heart and she may worry about the stress you are under and the emotional toll this is all taking on you, though not expressed that way, it did jump out at me as maybe said out of fear, ...for you.
With my own daughter, sometimes I become torn, between wanting to protect her and trying to stay out of her way to let her live her life her way. Every now and then though, I slip and words come out of my mouth that to her may seem harsh or insensitive, when in reality, it's because I love her and I worry that she will get hurt or take on too much. I don't care if it's about her friend or her babies dad or even if she feels an obligation or anything really, at that very moment, all I care about is her, and words just like your mothers just seem to spill from my lips.
I'm glad you went, and I hope you find it in your heart to forgive your mom.
Hugs and Prayers
B
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