Does It Matter Who Files for Divorce?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Does It Matter Who Files for Divorce?
Don't know what I'm waiting for........
Does it really matter who files for the Divorce?
My AH is the one that brought it up, although I am the one who put my foot down and established boundaries, which I believe got the "ball rolling", so to speak.
There is only one reason I ask this question: Here goes......
I was able to get into AH's email acct., and his mom (who has hated me from the very beginning) is enouraging him to file first so it will "speak volumes of the kind of wife she has been".
I don't want to make the decision to be the one to file just because of what she wrote, but.....
I do want a divorce, so does he, so why not file????
Any comments/suggestions/thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Shivaya
Does it really matter who files for the Divorce?
My AH is the one that brought it up, although I am the one who put my foot down and established boundaries, which I believe got the "ball rolling", so to speak.
There is only one reason I ask this question: Here goes......
I was able to get into AH's email acct., and his mom (who has hated me from the very beginning) is enouraging him to file first so it will "speak volumes of the kind of wife she has been".
I don't want to make the decision to be the one to file just because of what she wrote, but.....
I do want a divorce, so does he, so why not file????
Any comments/suggestions/thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Shivaya
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I strongly urge you to consult an attorney in your State immediately to protect your assets. Who cares about what "speaks volumes about the kind of wife you are?" No one who loves you will care who filed first. And people who don't love you? Who cares about their opinion anyway?
But please, get a lawyer, at least for a consult, unless there is no property or custody matter in dispute. Love from:
KJ
But please, get a lawyer, at least for a consult, unless there is no property or custody matter in dispute. Love from:
KJ
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Off the top of my head, I would think that you being the first to file would help your custody case. In California, it doesn't matter at all in issues of property.
That's just my gut feeling, though. Definately a question for your attorney.
L
That's just my gut feeling, though. Definately a question for your attorney.
L
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
EXAH (now deceased) and I played that game back and forth for years on waiting for the other one to file.
It took a phone call from him threatening to come down and cut my brake lines while I was sleeping to get me motivated, and I got an attorney immediately.
Take charge of your life. Do what needs to be done. You'll feel much better for it!
It took a phone call from him threatening to come down and cut my brake lines while I was sleeping to get me motivated, and I got an attorney immediately.
Take charge of your life. Do what needs to be done. You'll feel much better for it!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
The attorney I consulted with said (in my state) there is a general belief that whoever files first has the upper hand, but in fact there is no difference. If it is contested then it is presented as a trial, with each side presenting their sides, but if it is not contested then there is a pretty routine "formula" that is followed to divide assets. Don't forget retirement investments, I have a friend who traded off her rights to her husbands retirement in exchange for the house and all it's equity.
I bet a phone call to your attorney, or their legal assistant could answer your question specifically for your state.
I bet a phone call to your attorney, or their legal assistant could answer your question specifically for your state.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: pittsburgh, pa
Posts: 5
It all depends on the state you are in. In my case he wanted the divorce but didn't file and didn't give me any support. The only way I could get any $$$ and freeze our assets so he couldn't hide them was to file myself. I agree consulting an lawyer is the only real way to know.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: London
Posts: 130
It may be different in the States but in the UK if you file first it's easier to set the pace as all the actions are instigated by you and this can sometimes be used to advantage.
It's been beneficial for me as though I have a good job it's not permanent yet so makes sense to hold off on the financial settlement and with property prices falling so fast here that's no bad thing as I won't have to pay him off anywhere near as much money :-)
It's been beneficial for me as though I have a good job it's not permanent yet so makes sense to hold off on the financial settlement and with property prices falling so fast here that's no bad thing as I won't have to pay him off anywhere near as much money :-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
One thing to consider one possible scenario where it is advantageous to allow the other partner to file that I don't think we've brought up just yet is this:
I had an addict friend that was divorced by his wife.
Because they were both recently recovering addicts, they didn't yet have any assets (they'd spent it all on crack) and they agreed to let the adolescent daughter live with each parent whenever she wanted to. So no property or custody issues.
He didn't really care whether they got divorced at that point but she was all ready to remarry as she'd left him for another recovering addict (I know, she sounds like a real prize, doesn't she?) so she filed. In this way, he avoided all costs, and the divorce was free to him. She paid the court, the court-enforced parenting counseling (mandatory for divorcing parents in my state), the lawyer fee, everything. It was probably total about a grand. That was one, isolated circumstance where an attorney wasn't needed. But it could have gone wrong if she'd tried something at the settlement.
Mine was similar, my ex didn't want a divorce, but I did, so I filed (and paid). All the assets were mine, so he was foolish not to have an attorney, because he could have gotten a small percentage of my assets (we were only together for a few months) including retirement. My lawyer told me that he had engaged the services of a lawyer for the divorce, but hadn't paid him the full amount, so he didn't get any help from him at the settlement.
KJ
I had an addict friend that was divorced by his wife.
Because they were both recently recovering addicts, they didn't yet have any assets (they'd spent it all on crack) and they agreed to let the adolescent daughter live with each parent whenever she wanted to. So no property or custody issues.
He didn't really care whether they got divorced at that point but she was all ready to remarry as she'd left him for another recovering addict (I know, she sounds like a real prize, doesn't she?) so she filed. In this way, he avoided all costs, and the divorce was free to him. She paid the court, the court-enforced parenting counseling (mandatory for divorcing parents in my state), the lawyer fee, everything. It was probably total about a grand. That was one, isolated circumstance where an attorney wasn't needed. But it could have gone wrong if she'd tried something at the settlement.
Mine was similar, my ex didn't want a divorce, but I did, so I filed (and paid). All the assets were mine, so he was foolish not to have an attorney, because he could have gotten a small percentage of my assets (we were only together for a few months) including retirement. My lawyer told me that he had engaged the services of a lawyer for the divorce, but hadn't paid him the full amount, so he didn't get any help from him at the settlement.
KJ
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