Stubborn1

I recently found out my ah has a bank account. I don't know why he had to lie to me. He has been telling me he is flat broke and eating ramen noodles. I had to take out money from my account to get him another vehicle because his truck broke and give him money to get back up to his job.
He slipped up and gave me his account number and I called the automatic line and it told me he had over a thousand dollars in there and on a single day he withdrew all of it but in different amounts. 150, 120, 200, 500.:wtf2
I don't know how to confront him about this. I am highly pissed.
He's lying saying he doesn't have gas to come see the kids this weekend.
This makes me so sick to my stomach because he's with holding money from the kids more then anything. What would you do?

Snicklefritz

Why are you afraid to confront him? I'm the AW and my husband was never afraid to confront me. What is it you are afraid of?

Stubborn1

I'm not sure why. Maybe I don't want to hear more lies or to hear he has a drug addiction along with everything else.......or he might have knocked someone up.......I want to know why he had to lie. I hate being married to apparently a con-man.

Barbara52

What are you seeking in confronting him? That may tell you whether it is worth the time and effort of trying to get to the truth.

denny57

Welcome Stubborn1

I saw on your other post that you are living separately but don't divorce due to financial reasons. Have you talked to an attorney? I consulted with one before separating from xAH and it made me realize I could actually do better on my own.

Keep posting!

Bernadette

I want to know why he had to lie.

I can tell you why: because that is what alcoholics do.

All of them.

Have you had a chance to read the "stickies" at the top of the first page of this forum? There's one on there called "What Addicts Do." Read it. Believe it.

Spare yourself the hurt and agony and time of trying to get to the bottom of why an active alcoholic does ANYTHING.

You KNOW he lied.
You KNOW he is hiding money.
You don't need him to confirm any of that.

What do YOU want to do with that information?
If he asks you for money now you can just say No. If he asks you why you can say Because you have your own bank account.
Anything he says after that is just alcoholic quacking and you can ignore it!

You must be so pissed off! But REALITY, as painful as it is, is where you want to be!!! So at least you know what you're really dealing with. You are REALLY dealing with a man who is lying about his finances to you and is lying and saying he can't come visit his kids for gas money.

It always amazes me the things alcoholics DON'T have money for. They always have $$ to drink.

Try to focus on you and your kids this weekend. Make a plan. Have some fun. Your kids are so lucky to have YOU!!

And welcome to SR btw!!
Peace,
B.

Stubborn1

I have spoke to a few attorneys and I would be screwed. It's complicated. He works under the table, owes thousands to someone else in child support and this is the only way I can get income from him for his children is to stay married. I know it's sick.
I am in the process of finishing school to get my degree. I still have a while to go.

Stubborn1

I know all of that yet I still want to know. Maybe amazement myself. It's like morbid curiosity. I've had years and years of education about alcoholics and I still learn something new. A bottle of vodka is only two dollars but he took out hundreds.......and let the kids go without. He's turned me into the enemy when I am the only one that was on his side trying to support him.
I am in this situation because I choose to be, I know I could change it. I know alot of people would think I was nuts but I live this way for the kids. So they can stay in their home. It would be more chaos if I were to leave and he possible could get visitations or gawd forbid drive with them. Just that one risk alone will keep me married.

Snicklefritz

Where can you get vodka for $2.00?

TTOSBT

I love this from Bernadette!
This is perfect!

PrettyViolets

My husband used to get the small bottles of hard liquor (like the ones on airplanes). I am not sure about the cost, but it was pretty scary to see a couple of the small bottles in a bag.

prodigal

Stubborn, I have been in your position. I hadn't worked for six years because I was getting my bachelor's degree online. While AH was crying "We're broke!" "We're coming up short every month!" blah, blah, blah .... he was tossing $2K into Roth IRA's two year's straight. He contributes the maximum amount he can from his pay to his government retirement fund.

When I found out about the Roth's, I didn't say a word. In fact, I don't discuss finances with him. Why bother? He's "dirt poor." Yeah, the "poor" guy makes over $85K a year, plus great government benefits.

In my own situation, I figured the secretiveness was his way of manipulating me financially. It was the only way he had left to play the I'll-manipulate-you game.

Freedom1990

I have to agree with what anvilhead has said. As for this being the only way you get money for the kids from him, that's rather contradictory to you shelling out the money for another vehicle so he could get to work, no?

steve11694

I have seen the same pattern with the alcoholic in my life. They have no grasp on reality/finances/budgeting. This is why even high slaried professionals have lost everything as addicts.

Stubborn1

That's pretty much the way it is.
I found out the money that was in his account was to start up a business and it was used to rent tools. He gave me the reciepts and I spoke to his boss.

The vodka price is from ABC liquor store. It's 2.00 for a pint of cheap vodka. He doesn't need much. Kinda like a fix.

Nothing he does financially will hurt me. Florida is a no fault state. If he had a billion dollars in debt they can't come after me for it. It doesn't affect my credit.

He is a functioning alcoholic. He works and makes great money. He puts it in my account. He does take care of me and the kids I have to say. He just causes so much crap along the way.
I'm doing the best I can.
I have been in pure hell with him, then he went sober, then relapsed, then came home and got sober again, then moved away and drank. Now it's moved to a new job and is thinking he can control his drinking. I have no idea how or what he's doing as far as that goes. I do not concern myself with it because I can not control it.
I don't know why I haven't given up on him as a person. I guess I see good in him. I just can not turn my back on him because I have our children. They are not in harms way and neither am I.
I live around him if that makes sense. He doesn't come to the house drinking, he watches what he says. He knows my boundaries and respects them when he is in person.
So far (two weeks) he's been at this new job and he seems to be doing good. I have no expectations because I've been let down.
I take care of me and my children.
With any alcoholic there are ups and downs and it's confusing as hell.
I have lost two dear friends because of alcoholism. One at 36 and one at 50. They were young.
I guess I will fight to save another one in my own way.

Lilyflower

Hundreds of £ would go 'missing' from our joint account when I was with abf. I agree with Anvil, he is using something else. I later found out that exabf was smoking pot and taking cocaine.

He'd also play the big man and purchase alcohol for his 'buddies' and loan our money out to his alcoholic friends, even when we had nothing! He was completely in denial about the fact he had a problem, he would look at these people and think they were in a bad way, not realising he was looking in a mirror.

JMHO here, but I would rather struggle and be completely free from the chaotic existance and uncertainty being financially dependant on an A brings to life, than stay financially bound, never knowing where the money was going, if I could feed myself and my child, or if I could pay bills/buy clothes. It got that bad with my ex, we would have no food, no electric, my daughter would ''stay over'' at nana's so she didn't go hungry. Never again.

Like Denny said too, I found that I actually had a very good income once Abf had gone, when we were in such a bad way previously with two incomes.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Chrysalis123

You know, my situation was similar to yours and nothing changed until I was done. You know how they say to Alcoholics, "maybe you're not done drinking yet." That described me. I had to get to the point where I was done and no one could control that but me. And, one day something happened, (and this particular behavior had happened many times before) and I WAS DONE. It was like a switch was flipped. Was I scared? Yes. Was I sad? Yes. Was I depressed? Yes. Was I ready to work on me? YES YES and YES!!

The one thing I want to say as gently as possible is this. It seems you and your precious kids aren't in physical danger. But is it possible you and your kids are in harms way emotionally? What are your kids learning from this? What hidden "rules" of living are they piling up in their subconscious....just a thought.

Keep coming back because we all are here for you.

Stubborn1

When I've talked to my children I've explained to them that we already live as a divorced couple and nothing would change. It wouldn't.......except I wouldn't have any money. The reason he doesn't live here is because of verbal abuse to me when they were newborns. They have never lived with both parents as a solid household. I don't really play by "society's" rules anyway. I want them to love and be loved when they grow up. If they have questions they come to me and hopefully they always will.
I can only hope I do a good enough job.
They see a strong independant mother. They know about their dads addiction. They know it's my job to protect them even if it hurts their heart.
I can't promise them daddy will be sober forever so they know we do well with what we have.
I honestly hope they have bad feelings towards alcoholism so maybe they will be detered one day.
Thank you for your replies

havingnepiphany

The relief of being in control in your own home is worth its weight in gold!

mushroom

Hi Stubborn, I'm not sure what you mean when you say your AH's debtors can't come after you because FL is a no-fault state. No-fault, at least here on the West Coast, has nothing to do with debts, it only means that you don't have to prove some kind of wrong-doing to get a divorce. In the bad old days you had to prove in a court of law, with lawyers and evidence and a judge, that your spouse committed adultery or bigamy or something like that in order to get a divorce. No-fault just means you only have to swear that the marriage has fallen apart and there's no hope of a reconciliation.

Financial debts aren't governed by state divorce laws. Division of assets and debts can be covered in a divorce agreement, but banks and the IRS are not bound by your divorce agreement. If you were legally married at the time of the debt, then both parties are equally liable for its payment, no matter what the divorce agreement says.

I think you need to see a better attorney. Having to stay married for child support just doesn't sound right. And you're not getting it anyway!

Now as to your original question: I agree with the others that there's no reason to confront him about his money. You know he has it. You don't need to confront him about it. It doesn't matter what he did with it or where it came from - he was able to pay for his own truck repairs and gasoline and chose not to. I know the feeling though! You just want him to come clean with you like a normal adult human husband should! Why the heck is he lying to you??? if' he'd only just ADMIT IT!!!

But, he probably never will. He can't so long as he's in his addiction. You don't need him to anyway. You already know.

Part of your recovery is knowing (and acting) that you can't make someone do what you think is right, or best for them, or anything else. You cannot control another person even for the best of intentions. You can only control your reaction to someone else's actions. You can't make him tell the truth, or admit that he lied. You can only choose how you react to his lies. And whether or not to stay married to him.

You can't even make him support his kids. All the child support judgements in the world won't make him give up money if he's determined to hide it.