What to do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
What to do?
As I'm currently dealing with #1 daughter's addiction, my #2 daughter is now making me worried. She's had her problems with drug abuse several years ago, and has since sworn repeatedly that she is over it. I know that she does go out drinking with her friends, but last night, when I called her (she lives in another state) she had only been home from work about 30 minutes, yet she sounded wasted. That is the first time I've heard her sound like that in many years. She said she was tired and got off the phone quickly.
So, in my head, I am going nuts. I'm wondering what that was. Was I hearing someting in her that wasn't really there? Was it just tiredness (who slurs when they're tired? not me...), or was she drunk after only 30 minutes of being home? I am consumed with worry for her, I am consumed with worry for daughter #1 who's addicted and just starting treatment. I am just consumed with worry, period.
I am at work today and barely functioning. I don't know whether to call daughter #2 and ask her what was wrong with her last night, or just let it go, or what. I don't trust that she'd tell me the truth anyway.
Boy, sometimes I wish I could just catch a one-way ticket out of here (OK more often than sometimes).
Thanks for listening.
So, in my head, I am going nuts. I'm wondering what that was. Was I hearing someting in her that wasn't really there? Was it just tiredness (who slurs when they're tired? not me...), or was she drunk after only 30 minutes of being home? I am consumed with worry for her, I am consumed with worry for daughter #1 who's addicted and just starting treatment. I am just consumed with worry, period.
I am at work today and barely functioning. I don't know whether to call daughter #2 and ask her what was wrong with her last night, or just let it go, or what. I don't trust that she'd tell me the truth anyway.
Boy, sometimes I wish I could just catch a one-way ticket out of here (OK more often than sometimes).
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Tanzanite. You have two choices. Call her or don't call her. Whatever you do, don't let it eat away at you. I wish my mom would have called me a little more in the beginning of my addiction and made me more accountable for my actions. Not that she could change what I was doing by calling me, but it would have been good for me to get called on some of the crap I pulled so I would have known that I wasn't getting away with it.
If it was me. I'd call. But I would try not to have any expectations. Just call her and ask how she's doing because she sounded really weird last night. Just listen. Don't accuse or tell her what to do. Her silence will probably speak louder than her words.
If it was me. I'd call. But I would try not to have any expectations. Just call her and ask how she's doing because she sounded really weird last night. Just listen. Don't accuse or tell her what to do. Her silence will probably speak louder than her words.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome Tanzanite
Hate you are dealing with this with your daughters - I have 5 daughters and it is a very challenging road to say the least!!
In dealing with our daughter when she is active & also dealing with my AH; when I want to ask them questions about using/drinking, behaviors, money, or whatever - I try to ask myself . . .
"Will I believe what they tell me anyway?"
If the answer is no or probably no
then I'm better of not asking.
Cause then one question will lead to another, then to an explanation of why I keep asking questions, then to justifications of why I can't believe their answers and why they possibly can't be telling the truth and then everyone gets upset and the conversations ends with usually me in tears and I still don't know the answer to the question and
and and
now, I'm in a tizzy, crying, even more worked up then I was before, my daughter or AH is angry, resentful, defensive and nothing - absolutely nothing is resolved.
So what do I do? I ask the God of my understanding to help me to trust my inner instincts and to give me clear guidance and direction to know what I need to know when I need to know it.
But you know - not everyone is like me - many are able to ask a question, accept an answer and let it go - I am one of those that is much sicker than others.
Smiles & HUGS to you,
Rita
Hate you are dealing with this with your daughters - I have 5 daughters and it is a very challenging road to say the least!!
In dealing with our daughter when she is active & also dealing with my AH; when I want to ask them questions about using/drinking, behaviors, money, or whatever - I try to ask myself . . .
"Will I believe what they tell me anyway?"
If the answer is no or probably no
then I'm better of not asking.
Cause then one question will lead to another, then to an explanation of why I keep asking questions, then to justifications of why I can't believe their answers and why they possibly can't be telling the truth and then everyone gets upset and the conversations ends with usually me in tears and I still don't know the answer to the question and
and and
now, I'm in a tizzy, crying, even more worked up then I was before, my daughter or AH is angry, resentful, defensive and nothing - absolutely nothing is resolved.
So what do I do? I ask the God of my understanding to help me to trust my inner instincts and to give me clear guidance and direction to know what I need to know when I need to know it.
But you know - not everyone is like me - many are able to ask a question, accept an answer and let it go - I am one of those that is much sicker than others.
Smiles & HUGS to you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
If you can call, and not have any expectations, then call. I would call, tell her I was concerned about her because she sounded "different" last night, and then let it go. If you want to call to get an honest answer of what's going on, I wouldn't do it. Like Japic said, you probably won't get the truth anyway.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
I've had the same call/don't call, write/don't write dilemma more than a few times.
I've just recently figured out that if I just notice my obsessing over my addict (niece) and say to myself - Oh, there I go again, I'm obsessing, what comes up is all my sadness and fear and feelings of helplessness.
It's not much fun, but when I let those feelings surface, I cry (sometimes a little, sometiems a lot), and then I'm able to let go a little bit more.
Unfortunately, there is very little if anything you can do for your daughters in terms of their sobriety. I'm sure you've heard 100 times, they have to want it themselves.
I often find myself rehearsing what I might say to my niece if I had the chance, and then I realize that she's not available right now to hear what I really want her to hear. So then I remember that in the Bible Jesus told his disciples not to prepare their messages in advance, that he would give them the right words at the time.
So now I'm just trying to let go and let God. I think boundaries and an awareness of boundaries helps - such as some of the suggestions above.
God Bless - I hope you find some peace in this. I know what it's like to try to work and all the time be worried about people you love - especially after a scare like you've had.
Sending love and prayers.
I've just recently figured out that if I just notice my obsessing over my addict (niece) and say to myself - Oh, there I go again, I'm obsessing, what comes up is all my sadness and fear and feelings of helplessness.
It's not much fun, but when I let those feelings surface, I cry (sometimes a little, sometiems a lot), and then I'm able to let go a little bit more.
Unfortunately, there is very little if anything you can do for your daughters in terms of their sobriety. I'm sure you've heard 100 times, they have to want it themselves.
I often find myself rehearsing what I might say to my niece if I had the chance, and then I realize that she's not available right now to hear what I really want her to hear. So then I remember that in the Bible Jesus told his disciples not to prepare their messages in advance, that he would give them the right words at the time.
So now I'm just trying to let go and let God. I think boundaries and an awareness of boundaries helps - such as some of the suggestions above.
God Bless - I hope you find some peace in this. I know what it's like to try to work and all the time be worried about people you love - especially after a scare like you've had.
Sending love and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 12
Thank you all for your understanding. Wow, what a great site this is! It is so comforting to communicate with people who share my situation. I really don't have any friends who do share this problem with family additions (at least they don't admit to it or seek any help).
I am breathing a sigh of some relief right now. I felt some peace after reading your responses here. I then decided I would broach the subject with daughter #2. I called her and after some light chit chat, I told her I was worried about her because she sounded a bit off last night. She assured me that she was not drunk or wasted (do I believe her - I don't know). She said, though, that she was very tired because she was up very late the night before drinking with her friends. Oh dear. She assured me that she only occasionally has a social drink, and then less occasionally goes overboard. Since she's many miles from me, and I only get to see her 3 or 4 times a year, I really don't know what is reality or fiction.
So, right at this minute (one day at a time becomes one minute at a time sometimes!), I am choosing to let it go. I am going to a beginners al-anon meeting this Sunday. I think I need to get into the program and work it for real this time. I've started before, but never got very far. Now I am ready to work on some healing. This constant worry is consuming me and disabling me.
Thank you all again for your wisdom and support.
I am breathing a sigh of some relief right now. I felt some peace after reading your responses here. I then decided I would broach the subject with daughter #2. I called her and after some light chit chat, I told her I was worried about her because she sounded a bit off last night. She assured me that she was not drunk or wasted (do I believe her - I don't know). She said, though, that she was very tired because she was up very late the night before drinking with her friends. Oh dear. She assured me that she only occasionally has a social drink, and then less occasionally goes overboard. Since she's many miles from me, and I only get to see her 3 or 4 times a year, I really don't know what is reality or fiction.
So, right at this minute (one day at a time becomes one minute at a time sometimes!), I am choosing to let it go. I am going to a beginners al-anon meeting this Sunday. I think I need to get into the program and work it for real this time. I've started before, but never got very far. Now I am ready to work on some healing. This constant worry is consuming me and disabling me.
Thank you all again for your wisdom and support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to s.r. i am sorry you are going thur this. both daughter has got to be really,really hard. stay with us & remember the 3 c's, you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. keep coming back & know we care. prayers for all 3 of you. big hugs,
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place, with lots and lots of folks who understand, who have been where you are, or are where you are, and all are willing to share their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H with others.
Yes I know that once we have had an addict in our lives or been one we can jump to conclusions. Case in point:
A little over a week ago, I was extremely tired and had a virus running through my system, didn't realize I was also running a temp of 102 and was talking to someone in the program, a longtime sober alkie friend and she said, "if I didn't know better I would swear you were high on drugs and/or alcohol." (I have been sober and clean over 27 years and in Alanon over 24). It wasn't until she mentioned it that I really realized I WAS SICK and I was not making much sense. That is when I took my temperature, called the Dr, went to see the Dr and found out there was really not much that could be done it was not bacterial, but viral.
Yes, I got better, rofl but realize I can still jump to the wrong conclusions also. I try today to give others the benefit of the doubt. Notice I say TRY, lol as I am not perfect and I do have a tendancy to think the worse.
I know you are worried, and if it is really bugging you bad, give her a call asking her if she is feeling better, or do you need to call the nearest Deli to her and have some Homemade chicken soup delivered? lol she'll see it then as a mom's concern for a child that is sick and just wanting to help, for afterall that is what mother's do. I have to tell you that is not that far fetched, lol When Mom was still alive, and I got sick, a really ugly sick, she actually called this wonderful Soup and Salad place we have here, everything is HOMEMADE, Tegemeyer's all the way from Florida and placed an order and paid extra to have them deliver it to me. I mean that knocked me off my chair/bed in a hurry, rofl Mom was still being a MOM and I was about 57 at the time.
BTW there is a 'virus' going around the country right now and does knock one down for 36 to 48 hours. She may just have had that, or it was a rough week for her and she was tired.
J M H O
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please think good thoughts.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Yes I know that once we have had an addict in our lives or been one we can jump to conclusions. Case in point:
A little over a week ago, I was extremely tired and had a virus running through my system, didn't realize I was also running a temp of 102 and was talking to someone in the program, a longtime sober alkie friend and she said, "if I didn't know better I would swear you were high on drugs and/or alcohol." (I have been sober and clean over 27 years and in Alanon over 24). It wasn't until she mentioned it that I really realized I WAS SICK and I was not making much sense. That is when I took my temperature, called the Dr, went to see the Dr and found out there was really not much that could be done it was not bacterial, but viral.
Yes, I got better, rofl but realize I can still jump to the wrong conclusions also. I try today to give others the benefit of the doubt. Notice I say TRY, lol as I am not perfect and I do have a tendancy to think the worse.
I know you are worried, and if it is really bugging you bad, give her a call asking her if she is feeling better, or do you need to call the nearest Deli to her and have some Homemade chicken soup delivered? lol she'll see it then as a mom's concern for a child that is sick and just wanting to help, for afterall that is what mother's do. I have to tell you that is not that far fetched, lol When Mom was still alive, and I got sick, a really ugly sick, she actually called this wonderful Soup and Salad place we have here, everything is HOMEMADE, Tegemeyer's all the way from Florida and placed an order and paid extra to have them deliver it to me. I mean that knocked me off my chair/bed in a hurry, rofl Mom was still being a MOM and I was about 57 at the time.
BTW there is a 'virus' going around the country right now and does knock one down for 36 to 48 hours. She may just have had that, or it was a rough week for her and she was tired.
J M H O
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please think good thoughts.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Staying in touch and close to your daughters is important so they feel safe with you to be themselves.
I've found that my grown son disengages when I ask too many questions. He doesn't come out and tell me about drink/drug use. I learn more by listening and reading between the lines. He also opens more when I am not sitting in judgement.
Sounds like a good idea to work an al-anon program. Working the steps and gettting a sponsor can help you greatly with co-dependency, letting go, acceptance,
empty nest, relationships, etc.
My 24 yr. old son is currently in his 3rd treatment center. The reality of rehabilitation. recovery and sobriety is that it usually takes many attempts.
It is not easy parenting substance abusers, but we can learn how to do it w/o going insane ourselves and have the good life we are capable of.
Best wishes for healthy recovery for you and your daughter in treatment.
I've found that my grown son disengages when I ask too many questions. He doesn't come out and tell me about drink/drug use. I learn more by listening and reading between the lines. He also opens more when I am not sitting in judgement.
Sounds like a good idea to work an al-anon program. Working the steps and gettting a sponsor can help you greatly with co-dependency, letting go, acceptance,
empty nest, relationships, etc.
My 24 yr. old son is currently in his 3rd treatment center. The reality of rehabilitation. recovery and sobriety is that it usually takes many attempts.
It is not easy parenting substance abusers, but we can learn how to do it w/o going insane ourselves and have the good life we are capable of.
Best wishes for healthy recovery for you and your daughter in treatment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Since your daughter is living in a different state and she has not reached out to you for help, it might be better to just let it go for now. Whether she was drinking or not, it is her problem to solve. When my daughter was deep in her addiction to heroin, I would hardly ever hear from her because of the guilt and shame she felt. Even today she denies that she ever nodded off in front of me because of her drug use. She claims that she was tired from partying the night before. I know what I saw but I have to let it go because arguing gets me nowhere. Tell her that you love her, are there if she wants to talk and then try to give the worry to your HP. Not easy, but doable. Hugs, Marle
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
