Just Flat Furious
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
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Just Flat Furious
In my adventures in alcoholic insanity, this has to take the cake.
The AW was scheduled for a counseling appt yesterday between 5 and 6 pm. When I arrived home at 6:05 pm, she goes zooming by in her car, heading for the grocery store.
When she comes back, I immediately realize that she's blasted. I also checked the computer while she was at the store, and realized that she hadn't gone to the counseling appt. Stupid me gets mad, and tells her I know she didn't go to the counseling appt. She gets mad and denies it, and gets furious with me for doubting her.
She then continues to drink until about 7:40, and passes out. At 4:30 this morning, she turns the TV on in the bedroom, which wakes me up. She then admits she didn't go to counseling, and instead wants to go to a doctor that specializes in addiction medicine. Quack, Quack, Quack. I'll believe it when I see it.
My quandry now is what should I do? She's obviously not concerned with recovery. I'm tempted just to call an attorney and get started with things. Screw it, the woman is crazy.
Redd
The AW was scheduled for a counseling appt yesterday between 5 and 6 pm. When I arrived home at 6:05 pm, she goes zooming by in her car, heading for the grocery store.
When she comes back, I immediately realize that she's blasted. I also checked the computer while she was at the store, and realized that she hadn't gone to the counseling appt. Stupid me gets mad, and tells her I know she didn't go to the counseling appt. She gets mad and denies it, and gets furious with me for doubting her.
She then continues to drink until about 7:40, and passes out. At 4:30 this morning, she turns the TV on in the bedroom, which wakes me up. She then admits she didn't go to counseling, and instead wants to go to a doctor that specializes in addiction medicine. Quack, Quack, Quack. I'll believe it when I see it.
My quandry now is what should I do? She's obviously not concerned with recovery. I'm tempted just to call an attorney and get started with things. Screw it, the woman is crazy.
Redd
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Just in the past 24 hours she lied to you, she was drunk- and drove that way, she woke you up earlier than it sounds like you'd normally get up. . . so what did she do that you can feel good about? You say she's obviously not concerned with recovery. . .
When are you going to be concerned enough about yourself to take action?
When are you going to be concerned enough about yourself to take action?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
When are you going to stop focusing on her and put your focus on you? When are you going to accept you cannot make her see your reality and that she will do what she does regardless of anything you say or do?
You can stop this madness anytime you are ready to do so.
You can stop this madness anytime you are ready to do so.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
One other thing, The SD is 21, and involved with this. Should I communicate her mom's actions to her? Or would that be counter-productive?
Thanks Barb.... I know that I should do something, the problem is what I should do. The dread I feel in starting something with an irrational person is what affects me.
Redd
Thanks Barb.... I know that I should do something, the problem is what I should do. The dread I feel in starting something with an irrational person is what affects me.
Redd
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by Reddmax 
The dread I feel in starting something with an irrational person is what affects me.
Is she getting anymore rational as time goes on?
-TC
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
What do you want to do? Stay in the house with her or get yourself out? That is the bottom line. Will there be consequences from either choice? Yup, but you can deal with those consequences, you can protect yourself from them.
As to the SD, she doesn't live with you, she is an adult, she knows what is going on. Pay her the respect you would another adult and let her make her own decisions and choices.
As to the SD, she doesn't live with you, she is an adult, she knows what is going on. Pay her the respect you would another adult and let her make her own decisions and choices.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Redd,
I have just looked through your past posts, and I must say what struck me was that almost every post you made has been a she said I said commentary of your home life.
It is so apparent to me that you are deeply unhappy. It is also apparent to me that your wife has made many empty gestures in order to keep you tied to this chaotic existence.
You have made appointments with attornies because you felt the marriage couldn't go on, but you have not followed through.
The bottom line is Redd that...
Remember the things YOU want out of life...
By making a solid decision that you follow through regarding this relationship, will enable you to do these things. Are you still attending therapy to talk through YOUR issues and fears?
Right now you seem addicted to the chaos and drama. I feel I must be blunt and pose the theory to you to examine yourself - Is it the fear of dealing with a divorce that is preventing you from making your move, or is it that you will feel empty when this chapter is closed and your life finds its serenity again?
I know how addictive chaos and drama can be, I have been addicted to it myself, but I assure you that life without it all is so much more rewarding and deeply peaceful.
I truely hope you can find that for yourself.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I have just looked through your past posts, and I must say what struck me was that almost every post you made has been a she said I said commentary of your home life.
It is so apparent to me that you are deeply unhappy. It is also apparent to me that your wife has made many empty gestures in order to keep you tied to this chaotic existence.
Originally Posted by Reddmax
So here is where I am. I told her I would help her, but she has to perform. Just seeking an appt. isn't enough. She has to go through with it. We also have to go through marital counseling. This is our last chance, otherwise we need to cut our losses..
Originally Posted by Reddmax
...This is what's going on. Currently, I have two consultations with attorney's scheduled. The first is on Monday, and the second is on Thursday. I need to schedule a third, but that's dependent on fundage as well as time...
Originally Posted by Reddmax
...Currently, she drinks about 1.5 liters of wine a night.
...She will not go to treatment, nor counseling. Furthermore, she's deliberatly doing things that are distructive to the marriage.
She's created match.com profiles, had secret email addresses, spent the night with her ex husband, calls him when I'm traveling, lies, etc.
She gets ferociously angry if I disagree with her, which then comes down to "If you don't like it, get the F*** out".
In addition, she claims not to remember doing things, or that what she's doing is perfectly okay...
...She will not go to treatment, nor counseling. Furthermore, she's deliberatly doing things that are distructive to the marriage.
She's created match.com profiles, had secret email addresses, spent the night with her ex husband, calls him when I'm traveling, lies, etc.
She gets ferociously angry if I disagree with her, which then comes down to "If you don't like it, get the F*** out".
In addition, she claims not to remember doing things, or that what she's doing is perfectly okay...
Originally Posted by Reddmax
To all the people that said I should put a list of what I want, here it is.
1. I want to be surrounded by friends, family, and people I can trust.
2. I want to build something greater than myself
3. I want a partner who helps me become a better person
4. I want to be able to look to my own professional development without being disloyal
5. I want to be able to relax and smell the roses
6. I want to explore my talents and abilities to the max
7. I want to hike Yosemite, Yellowstone, and Glacier Bay
8. I want to ride horses on the family ranch and watch the sun set over my land.
That's what I want.
1. I want to be surrounded by friends, family, and people I can trust.
2. I want to build something greater than myself
3. I want a partner who helps me become a better person
4. I want to be able to look to my own professional development without being disloyal
5. I want to be able to relax and smell the roses
6. I want to explore my talents and abilities to the max
7. I want to hike Yosemite, Yellowstone, and Glacier Bay
8. I want to ride horses on the family ranch and watch the sun set over my land.
That's what I want.
Right now you seem addicted to the chaos and drama. I feel I must be blunt and pose the theory to you to examine yourself - Is it the fear of dealing with a divorce that is preventing you from making your move, or is it that you will feel empty when this chapter is closed and your life finds its serenity again?
I know how addictive chaos and drama can be, I have been addicted to it myself, but I assure you that life without it all is so much more rewarding and deeply peaceful.
I truely hope you can find that for yourself.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Lilyflower posted your list of things you want out of life Redd- a lovely list- I had not seen that. I only cyber know you- but I want those things for you too. Don't let fear guide you Redd- close your eyes and imagine doing those things- and then DO them!
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Lily, thank you so much for the effort it took for you to put together that post. You are so spot on and I love Redd's list that you posted!
That is what I want out of life too!!!
It is time to focus on you and you only.
Enough with her and her drama.
Sounds like you have plenty of time to get your ducks in a row, considering how often she is passed out.
It is time to get to work!
Do you attend Alanon?
That is what I want out of life too!!!
It is time to focus on you and you only.
Enough with her and her drama.
Sounds like you have plenty of time to get your ducks in a row, considering how often she is passed out.
It is time to get to work!
Do you attend Alanon?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Sometimes when I read my own posts over again I realise how much I have been hurting. I can feel it in my own posts, and I gain a motivation to keep moving forward for me.
I am hoping that you take stock of the events you have posted about to us Redd. You say you are fearful of taking that step forward for you, probably because of all the unknown factors involved.
Your posting history tells a bleak story, of hurt, anxiety, fear, depression. You first posted back at the beginning of July, it is now nearly the beginning of October - 4 months.
4 months of YOUR heartache and desperation, and she isn't changing. You have given her opportunity after opportunity. The future is unknown, yes true, but it is shaped by YOU. If you stay, I can gaurentee pretty much the same will happen as what has gone before. If you move on for you, which you have thought about and almost committed to, then who knows what fabulous adventures in Yellowstone, Yosemite or Glacier Bay await you?
I truely hope you find YOUR happiness.
Love and Peace to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am hoping that you take stock of the events you have posted about to us Redd. You say you are fearful of taking that step forward for you, probably because of all the unknown factors involved.
Your posting history tells a bleak story, of hurt, anxiety, fear, depression. You first posted back at the beginning of July, it is now nearly the beginning of October - 4 months.
4 months of YOUR heartache and desperation, and she isn't changing. You have given her opportunity after opportunity. The future is unknown, yes true, but it is shaped by YOU. If you stay, I can gaurentee pretty much the same will happen as what has gone before. If you move on for you, which you have thought about and almost committed to, then who knows what fabulous adventures in Yellowstone, Yosemite or Glacier Bay await you?
I truely hope you find YOUR happiness.
Love and Peace to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Yes,
I attend alanon, and I have individual therapy. I'm having a huge issue with letting go. I don't want this. I know its not reality, but damn it, I want my life back with my SO.
I almost wish for an accident or DUI, or anything so she can hit bottom.
The weird thing though, is the anxiety is almost gone. Instead of being scared and apprehensive all of the time, now most of the time I just dread the chore of untangling the life we've built. Maybe I'm lazy, or self destructive myself. I don't know. I do know I ponder wayyyyy to much.
Redd
I attend alanon, and I have individual therapy. I'm having a huge issue with letting go. I don't want this. I know its not reality, but damn it, I want my life back with my SO.
I almost wish for an accident or DUI, or anything so she can hit bottom.
The weird thing though, is the anxiety is almost gone. Instead of being scared and apprehensive all of the time, now most of the time I just dread the chore of untangling the life we've built. Maybe I'm lazy, or self destructive myself. I don't know. I do know I ponder wayyyyy to much.
Redd
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Be careful what you wish for. I would keep calling her in when she is drunk driving. Did you realize that if she got in an accident while drinking they will come after you for everything you have. You are married, right? You are still legally responsible when it comes to her. I was told that by an attorney and it scared the crap outta me. I don't want to lose my home or anything else I have because he is such an idiot.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Your delayed in transistion Redd, nothing to sweat about it happens to everyone. The best way I found out of it, and to get over MY fears when I split from my ex was to just jump right in there.
I had spent a long time going back and forth, I moved out twice, ended the relationship maybe a dozen times; in the end the only thing that made me plunge forward even though I was afraid of it all was the absolute knowledge in my head and my heart that it was not going to change until I did.
I had given it my all, to the point of my own insanity. I had watched and waited for change that never come. I had to give myself the opportunity to heal and to love me again. I had to trust HP that if my ex and I were meant to be, he would find recovery and then find me.
He has yet to find recovery, but I am a million times healthier and happier than I was 7/8 months ago when I made that very difficult decision.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I had spent a long time going back and forth, I moved out twice, ended the relationship maybe a dozen times; in the end the only thing that made me plunge forward even though I was afraid of it all was the absolute knowledge in my head and my heart that it was not going to change until I did.
I had given it my all, to the point of my own insanity. I had watched and waited for change that never come. I had to give myself the opportunity to heal and to love me again. I had to trust HP that if my ex and I were meant to be, he would find recovery and then find me.
He has yet to find recovery, but I am a million times healthier and happier than I was 7/8 months ago when I made that very difficult decision.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
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I know for myself that pondering prevented me from accepting reality. All the wishing, the what ifs, the whys just kept me stuck and kept the focus on what I could do NOTHING about. Focusing on reality kept me more focused on me. Pondering/denial are strong defenses- I know this having grown up in a very abusive home. I spent 45 years trying to control my reality, trying to make the reality I wanted-in others, and refusing to fully believe the cold hard facts.
Don't get me wrong, though Redd. It's not easy. No way is it easy- but it can be done. Living for you- just for today- can bring joy.
I almost wish for an accident or DUI, or anything so she can hit bottom.
Even if this happened- would you be assured that you would live happily ever after with her? If you are happy and doing things for yourself- you can be sure you will live the way you want to live.
Don't get me wrong, though Redd. It's not easy. No way is it easy- but it can be done. Living for you- just for today- can bring joy.
I almost wish for an accident or DUI, or anything so she can hit bottom.
Even if this happened- would you be assured that you would live happily ever after with her? If you are happy and doing things for yourself- you can be sure you will live the way you want to live.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I left my a/b/f about 4 months ago and have never regretted it. It was 3 years of increasing amount of drinking and using and lying and empty promises. I am a little lonely frequently, a lot lonely every now and then, and desperately lonely once in a blue moon. But it is still so much better than what I was going through worrying about him cracking up his car, riding the roller-coaster of his drinking moods, going from hope to despair myself about his treatment plans over and over and over. Being single is a picnic, even with some loneliness, compared to what you are going through.
And don't worry about the adult daughter for now. You can sort her out as you go along. You have to "put your own oxygen mask on" before you can help anyone else survive.
KJ
And don't worry about the adult daughter for now. You can sort her out as you go along. You have to "put your own oxygen mask on" before you can help anyone else survive.
KJ
Rediscovering myself
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
Redd, you can untangle yourself from this. You just have to break it down into small tasks. Do you have your own space? Is there a spare bedroom you can claim?
For me, moving into the spare bedroom was one of the best things I ever did. It gave me a place where I could retreat to. I did it to save our marriage, really. I though if I can stop him from emotionally hurting me, we can rebuild this. If I could remove myself before it got bad and just hang round for the good parts, love could grow. Unfortunately, I hadn't realized there were no longer any good parts, so kinda hard to grow when you have no water or sun. But, the more time I spent on the other side of that wall, the stronger and less confused I have become. It really did make ALL the difference.
For me, moving into the spare bedroom was one of the best things I ever did. It gave me a place where I could retreat to. I did it to save our marriage, really. I though if I can stop him from emotionally hurting me, we can rebuild this. If I could remove myself before it got bad and just hang round for the good parts, love could grow. Unfortunately, I hadn't realized there were no longer any good parts, so kinda hard to grow when you have no water or sun. But, the more time I spent on the other side of that wall, the stronger and less confused I have become. It really did make ALL the difference.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
Redd: You can also decide not to decide right now. I was where you were 11 or 12 years ago except there was no such thing as the SR Forum and I was even more clueless than you are.
I was THRILLED when I finally got my alcoholic ex to move out because I felt that was the beginning of his recovery. After all, what self respecting man would allow himself to be thrown out of his own home!
I announced the happy news to my Dad who had the nerve to tell me that this was just the first of many of these throw out/move back in cycles we would go through. I remember thinking how wrong he was!
Sorry to say we cycled 7 or 8 times over about 2 years.
I found the truth of the statement "the opposite of love is not hate but indifference" when I became indifferent to my exAH and that is when I finally moved forward in a decisive way. Have never regretted it. I finally realized that time was passing me by- my children were growing up and it was just my TIME.
I have no advice for you except to say that by your posts it is clearly not your time yet.
It's kind of like spending hours and hours deciding whether to fill your car up when it's out of gas. Seems so obvious to everyone else.
One final thought: Delaying now might give your more time to move things around to your advantage, I started protecting my assets way before we had our final showdown. I used the explanation to my exAH that I needed to have these assets in my name alone so I could trust him again (?). For some reason this made sense to him and I never ever regretted my actions.
I was THRILLED when I finally got my alcoholic ex to move out because I felt that was the beginning of his recovery. After all, what self respecting man would allow himself to be thrown out of his own home!
I announced the happy news to my Dad who had the nerve to tell me that this was just the first of many of these throw out/move back in cycles we would go through. I remember thinking how wrong he was!
Sorry to say we cycled 7 or 8 times over about 2 years.
I found the truth of the statement "the opposite of love is not hate but indifference" when I became indifferent to my exAH and that is when I finally moved forward in a decisive way. Have never regretted it. I finally realized that time was passing me by- my children were growing up and it was just my TIME.
I have no advice for you except to say that by your posts it is clearly not your time yet.
It's kind of like spending hours and hours deciding whether to fill your car up when it's out of gas. Seems so obvious to everyone else.
One final thought: Delaying now might give your more time to move things around to your advantage, I started protecting my assets way before we had our final showdown. I used the explanation to my exAH that I needed to have these assets in my name alone so I could trust him again (?). For some reason this made sense to him and I never ever regretted my actions.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 55
Redd, I agree with whoever said to be careful what you wish for. You are saying you wish she would get caught DUI and that would be her bottom. There are a number of problems with that thinking.
First, just getting caught DUI isn't necessarily going to be her bottom. Some never find their bottom or are too lost in their addiction to even know it's their bottom!
Second, you want her to get caught DUI but yet you don't always call 911 when she is driving smashed. Which is it?
Make her face the consequences or protect her?
Third, while DUI "may" be her rock bottom, do you want it to be yours too? As it's already been stated, you are married and they will come after you too. You will suffer too. I know of what I speak. My husband was arrested for DUI and hit & run. You think what you are going through now is hard? Wait until it really hits your pocket and everything you have worked for. And all because you sat back and just waited for it to happen.
Fourth, and to me most importantly, I would never be able to live with myself if my AH had gone out driving drunk and I knew about it and he killed someone. Never. That death would be carried with me as much as my AH had to carry it for the rest of his life.
What choices do you have to make? The choice to say no more. No more driving drunk. No more hurting me. No more excuses. No more risks to losing everything. No more ....a lot of things. Think about and make a list. Pick the ones that you really can't live with and start with them. It's that simple.
First, just getting caught DUI isn't necessarily going to be her bottom. Some never find their bottom or are too lost in their addiction to even know it's their bottom!
Second, you want her to get caught DUI but yet you don't always call 911 when she is driving smashed. Which is it?
Make her face the consequences or protect her?
Third, while DUI "may" be her rock bottom, do you want it to be yours too? As it's already been stated, you are married and they will come after you too. You will suffer too. I know of what I speak. My husband was arrested for DUI and hit & run. You think what you are going through now is hard? Wait until it really hits your pocket and everything you have worked for. And all because you sat back and just waited for it to happen.
Fourth, and to me most importantly, I would never be able to live with myself if my AH had gone out driving drunk and I knew about it and he killed someone. Never. That death would be carried with me as much as my AH had to carry it for the rest of his life.
What choices do you have to make? The choice to say no more. No more driving drunk. No more hurting me. No more excuses. No more risks to losing everything. No more ....a lot of things. Think about and make a list. Pick the ones that you really can't live with and start with them. It's that simple.
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