sodetermined

ABF and I have had a rough couple of weeks. The honeymoon phase is ending, and he's starting back with his old ways, and I'm afraid I am, too. I've been wondering lately if it's even possible for me to detach/work on me with him there, because we are both so codependent. He is camping at the fairgrounds this week for his job (the fair is going on) so all last week I was grouchy to him because of my own issues, not trusting him, knowing he would be drinking with the guys, so I was back to trying to control him. I know better than that, I do, but it's so hard to kick that habit and sit back and let him do whatever he wants, and not be upset about it, ya know? Especially when he's spending money on beer and not helping pay bills.

Well he promised he wouldn't go to the bar, I had asked because I knew he was within walking distance from one. Then I woke up Sunday with this dream/awful gut feeling that he went to the bar. So I asked him and he denied it several times. Well my best friend's mom saw him there. So I confronted him, and he still lied. He finally admitted to it, said he's sorry, but I don't think he is. I think he is sorry I found out though. It hurts so bad knowing he's starting this again, lying right to my face. I don't trust him at all.

I have refused to go see him at the camper, he is now saying he's trying to fix things between us, but his way of trying to fix it is for us to go on like nothing happened while he sucks up big time. I can't pretend like nothing happened, but at the same time what is done is done. HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT AND FEEL?????? I honestly have no idea. And then he calls me repeatedly at work, but it's all just a fight, I have tried being reasonably and not get sucked back into the insanity, but I can't help but defend myself, but really I'm just repeating myself.

I don't know I am so confused and I am SICK and tired of feeling like this and dealing with this all the time. I mean what it boils down to is I can let him come home and in order to keep the peace I guess just go on like it never happened, and I know what will happen though, he will be nice and try and repair things and I am still so angry and bitter that I won't consider any of his efforts sincere. So he will come out looking like the good guy and I'm this bitter woman with all this pent up anger/hurt.

sodetermined

P.S.

Part of me wonders if he really is sorry, and had I been able to keep strong with my recovery and stay away from codie behavior, would me staying strong and detached more likely make him know that what he did was wrong? Would he more likely really feel like he did something wrong?

Barbara52

For me, it was impossible to detach and live with my xAH. I had to move out for my own sanity. If I had stayed, nothing would have changed. Heck I'm now divorced and xAH has not changed the slightest bit. But that is clearly his problem, now defined legally as well and by physical separation.

As for your ABF's statements about being sorry and his lies, well, sounds like that just what an alcoholic does. It's up to you to decide if the unacceptable is unacceptable enough to lead you to take some action of some sort.

ToughChoices

I've certainly been where you are - banging my head against the wall, frustrated and saddened that I'm not being given what I want.

You sound as though you have very specific ideas about how you would like to be treated in this relationship and how you would like your ABF to behave. That's fine.

But it doesn't sound like he shares those ideas.

The sticking point in my recovery was the realization that my AH doesn't have to live his life the way I want him to. It's his life. He can run it however he pleases.

That may result in difficult consequences for him. It may result in pain. It may result in me deciding that I don't want to be partnered with him any longer. I don't have much influence on what my AH does, but I do get to control what I do.

Your ABF chooses to lie to you. You can choose to surround yourself with trustworthy people or continue to suffer the disappointment of his unfulfilled promises.


Be gentle with yourself, Soconfused. Recovering from codependency involves a lot of trial and error - you're heading in the right direction.

Take care.
-TC

Bernadette

Hi Soconfused--

HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO ACT AND FEEL?????? I honestly have no idea.

This is to me one of the worst things I've had to deal w/ about codependency.
When I trained as a codie from birth to age 20-something I stopped spending energy on figuring out who I am. I was always trying to figure out, analyze, predict behavior, catch in a lie, soothe a mood, etc someone else so when I woke up in AlAnon I was like WHO THE HELL AM I?????

In the early years of my recovery I struggled with "What am I supposed to feel/say" a lot. It has gotten better - but only as I continue to be very disciplined with myself and pay attention to my feelings etc. I still get blindsided though - especially when an alkie related crisis pops up....

More work to do I guess.

Part of me wonders if he really is sorry, and had I been able to keep strong with my recovery and stay away from codie behavior, would me staying strong and detached more likely make him know that what he did was wrong? Would he more likely really feel like he did something wrong?


Because why....are you imagining that if you had been stronger in your recovery it would cause some change in him?? Let that idea/fantasy/wish go. The only person who will be changed by you staying strong in your recovery is YOU!! And for the better!! Believe it!

peace and (((hugs)))
I hope you feel things lift soon--maybe try an AlAnon meeting?
B.

nowinsituation

So Confused - The story is the same, just change the details. He would drink, I would know it, he would deny it, but at the same time be "sorry" and promise to work on things. Then day after day he would walk around the house pretending there was nothing wrong. I guess that was his way of working on things. I am so sorry you are living this, I know it is horrible. I had to leave. And he is still in denial; probably still walks around the house like nothing is wrong. I can't give you advice on how to live like that; for me it was not possible.

Learning how

Sounds like you are at step 1.

I don't thing they A's think they are doing anything wrong when they are active in thier addiction.

I think you need to keep working on keeping the focus on yourself. By that I mean making changes in your thinking, your out look. I don't think there is any thing that can be done or said that would make an active A understand the impact of his actions on others. They have to have some recovery to get that.

It hurts like hell but you have made progress by just knowing you what to change.

Take care

denny57

It's fine to be upset with someone. It's what I do with the upset that matters. Do I try and control their behavior, or do I change my own?

My life turned around when I changed my own.

sodetermined

I guess what I'm thinking about is just that...can I really detach with him there? I don't know if it's possible. Because I end up giving in to my wants/needs to keep the peace. Which is my choice, but when you're living together, it's just better to avoid the conflict, for the sake of my son and his kids when they are there.

I guess his "efforts" to be nice and "make up". But you are right, it's just a couple days of him being nice until I really do drop my guard just a little, then it's right back to the same again. It never comes along with AA meetings, no kind of recovery, just him "trying" to be "good". He thinks he can handle his alcohol, and for a while, he can. The last couple of months have been actually pretty good, but never has he really been in recovery and totally quit drinking. It's a beer here and there, or six on the weekend, then a quart a couple of days later. But I have seen it slowly escalate, and I have dreaded this week because I knew he would be able to drink freely as he pleases.

Thank you for noticing that I am really trying very hard to work on my own recovery. I look back to 3 years ago and I know that I am better, but I get so frustrated with myself sometimes because I stumble, and it's worse now, I feel like because I KNOW BETTER now. I have come far enough into recovery where I can no longer say he's the bad guy and look what he's doing to me. I have to accept that I am allowing it to happen. And that hurts. And also knowing that I have to be the strong one here, to stop this insanity, because he won't.

:ghug3 Thanks everyone for reading and replying!

kj3880

I hear what you are saying, but is it better to live with dishonesty, really? The kids always know more than we think they do. The drinking/drunkenness just becomes the elephant in the living room. They figure it out, and they know how you feel. Children pick up on emotions. It wasn't better for me to keep the peace at all. It was way better to find my own peace.

My ex ab/f had a child too, and I had to let her go when we broke up, sad as that was. She wasn't mine, although I think I would have been better for her, but she wanted to stay with her Dad. I have to pray the serenity prayer a lot when I think about her. I can't change that situation now.

But I did change things for my two children. They got to see me call a spade a spade. I told him that if he didn't get sober, we had to break up. He didn't get sober, and after 60 days of broken promises and missed appointments with the addictionologist, I did exactly what I told him I would. I broke up with him. It was a powerful, hard thing to do. I'm lonely sometimes, but it's so worth it. Life isn't easy alone, but it is way easier than with an alcoholic. Love from:
KJ

isitme

Ahhhh.. I could have written that first post. Wait, am I sure I didn't? LoL Just kidding.

I struggle with the same thing!!
In fact I was just thinking abou this today. Even when he is being *nice* I don't really buy it. It doesn't make me feel better and it certainly can't erase the damage that's been done. I'm trying to be easy on myself. Knowing that however I feel is really ok. It's not my job to make everything better and I'm through trying to explain how I feel.

This is the exact reason I'm not explaining anymore. It's insanity. I defend and get angry while he sits there like a saint. I'm repeating the same things I've been saying for over year. What makes me think it will sink in this time? Nothing. It's a waste of breath.

Like you I think I just feel like if I could get over my hurt and anger and embrase the times he "trys" that it would get better. But I also feel like thinking that way is just a part of the manipulation I've been fed over the years. I'm slowy realizing that my only way out of this is to leave. Yours might be different. But I'm tired of feeling like that *SS in the situation when I know I haven't done anything. Plus at this point.. even when he is home and being civil, I don't really want him there. It's kind of a catch 22.

(That's a lot of rambling and probably not much help. I guess I'm just frustrated and confused like you and although it's sad, it always helps me when I know someone else is on the same level)

GrowingPains

"...can I really detach with him there?"

I tried in every way I could think of, but couldn't do it. I always ended up angry and disappointed. It got to where his mere presence made me angry, as I was waiting for his inevitable next screw-up. My AH has the same unpredictable drinking patterns as yours, so I never knew what to expect. I finally realized he was extremely unlikely to make a change if we continued to live under the same roof, so we are separated.

I'd love for him to find recovery, but I no longer need for him to in order to have my own happiness.