What if you do not want to take care of your aging parent?
Power is not having to respond
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
What if you do not want to take care of your aging parent?
My mom's a 31 yr AA member. I love her, but I can't stand her.
She's 77. She's still ok now, but going down hill.
I do not want to take care of her or bring her into my home for elder care. I simply could not handle it physically or emotionally.
She has no real savings, but gets a gov't check and ss.
What are the options? Anyone go through something like this?
How do you let your parent know you can't do this?
She's 77. She's still ok now, but going down hill.
I do not want to take care of her or bring her into my home for elder care. I simply could not handle it physically or emotionally.
She has no real savings, but gets a gov't check and ss.
What are the options? Anyone go through something like this?
How do you let your parent know you can't do this?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
WW: I fully believe that we each have an absolute responsibility to take care of ourselves and the absolute right to say "no" to anything that we know/feel/believe is dangerous to or unhealthy for us -- physically, emotionally, mentally and/or spiritually...
...and I absolutely do not believe that there is any caveat to that that states "except for if it involves members of our immediate family" (other than, in extreme cases, dependent children, of course).
In my own situation, my mom lives with me and I am totally fine with it -- in fact, I consider it a huge blessing. However, I would never in a million years have allowed my dad to do the same -- even if he had ended up homeless, which was a distinct possibility before he died. In fact, I had had only limited and very controlled (by me) contact and interaction with him for many years before his death because he was such a terribly unhealthy, emotionally manipulative / emotional blackhole of a person to be around.
And actually, I had told both of them this soon after my mom moved in with me and my dad started to try to wheedle his way in, too. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun and, honestly, neither of them understood how I "could be so heartless." (My mom understands now.) But, you know, people don't need to like or understand my boundaries -- they just have to respect them....and I have to be OK with that, too.
Now, the truth is that, if my dad hadn't of died when he did and if he had needed care, my mom would have moved back in with him...and that would have made me very sad for her because it most likely would have been a terrible life for her...but, as sad as it would have made me to see my mom make that choice, I would not ever have allowed him to live with me/us. I deserve a better life than that -- and so does my mom, in fact -- but the truth is that the only person I have control over seeing makes the choices and enforces the boundaries needed to ensure that better life is myself.
freya
P.S. I probably should add, however, that it's been my experience with people I've worked with / sponsored / mentored that very often the people from the most dysfunctional families have the hardest time setting and maintaining healthy boundaries even after they are well into recovery in other areas of their life (my guess is that this has to do with the level of emeshment that is common within dysfunctional systems and that fact that, within such systems what counts as "love" is really highly-conditional approval or some kind a sense of obligation/duty/guilt-if-you-don't))...and, for this reason, setting boundaries with family -- especially with parents -- can be very difficult and can entail working through huge amounts of guilt. I don't know if this would be an issue in your case, but if it might be, it is probably something you might want to start working on now so you don't end up torturing yourself about your decisions later on.
...and I absolutely do not believe that there is any caveat to that that states "except for if it involves members of our immediate family" (other than, in extreme cases, dependent children, of course).
In my own situation, my mom lives with me and I am totally fine with it -- in fact, I consider it a huge blessing. However, I would never in a million years have allowed my dad to do the same -- even if he had ended up homeless, which was a distinct possibility before he died. In fact, I had had only limited and very controlled (by me) contact and interaction with him for many years before his death because he was such a terribly unhealthy, emotionally manipulative / emotional blackhole of a person to be around.
And actually, I had told both of them this soon after my mom moved in with me and my dad started to try to wheedle his way in, too. It wasn't easy and it wasn't fun and, honestly, neither of them understood how I "could be so heartless." (My mom understands now.) But, you know, people don't need to like or understand my boundaries -- they just have to respect them....and I have to be OK with that, too.
Now, the truth is that, if my dad hadn't of died when he did and if he had needed care, my mom would have moved back in with him...and that would have made me very sad for her because it most likely would have been a terrible life for her...but, as sad as it would have made me to see my mom make that choice, I would not ever have allowed him to live with me/us. I deserve a better life than that -- and so does my mom, in fact -- but the truth is that the only person I have control over seeing makes the choices and enforces the boundaries needed to ensure that better life is myself.
freya
P.S. I probably should add, however, that it's been my experience with people I've worked with / sponsored / mentored that very often the people from the most dysfunctional families have the hardest time setting and maintaining healthy boundaries even after they are well into recovery in other areas of their life (my guess is that this has to do with the level of emeshment that is common within dysfunctional systems and that fact that, within such systems what counts as "love" is really highly-conditional approval or some kind a sense of obligation/duty/guilt-if-you-don't))...and, for this reason, setting boundaries with family -- especially with parents -- can be very difficult and can entail working through huge amounts of guilt. I don't know if this would be an issue in your case, but if it might be, it is probably something you might want to start working on now so you don't end up torturing yourself about your decisions later on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya Wascally-
THANK YOU for starting this thread--
I'm looking forward to people's responses....and freya steps right up and hits one out of the park:
I probably should add, however, that it's been my experience with people I've worked with / sponsored / mentored that very often the people from the most dysfunctional families have the hardest time setting and maintaining healthy boundaries even after they are well into recovery in other areas of their life (my guess is that this has to do with the level of emeshment that is common within dysfunctional systems and that fact that, within such systems what counts as "love" is really highly-conditional approval or some kind a sense of obligation/duty/guilt-if-you-don't))...and, for this reason, setting boundaries with family -- especially with parents -- can be very difficult and can entail working through huge amounts of guilt. I don't know if this would be an issue in your case, but if it might be, it is probably something you might want to start working on now so you don't end up torturing yourself about your decisions later on.
WOW.
WOW.
WOW.
Thinkin' about that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B.
THANK YOU for starting this thread--
I'm looking forward to people's responses....and freya steps right up and hits one out of the park:
I probably should add, however, that it's been my experience with people I've worked with / sponsored / mentored that very often the people from the most dysfunctional families have the hardest time setting and maintaining healthy boundaries even after they are well into recovery in other areas of their life (my guess is that this has to do with the level of emeshment that is common within dysfunctional systems and that fact that, within such systems what counts as "love" is really highly-conditional approval or some kind a sense of obligation/duty/guilt-if-you-don't))...and, for this reason, setting boundaries with family -- especially with parents -- can be very difficult and can entail working through huge amounts of guilt. I don't know if this would be an issue in your case, but if it might be, it is probably something you might want to start working on now so you don't end up torturing yourself about your decisions later on.
WOW.
WOW.
WOW.
Thinkin' about that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I told my mom she could live with me one day in the near future....then I changed my mind.
I took her on a trip and her habitual negativity drove me crazy in just a couple of days. We had to cut the trip short.
I told her I am trying to live by being positive and surrounding myself with positive and that I can't take the negativity. It wouldn't be healthy for me. I can't be my mother's keeper. When the time comes that she can't live independently, I will assist her all that I am able to, but not under my roof. No need for guilt.
I took her on a trip and her habitual negativity drove me crazy in just a couple of days. We had to cut the trip short.
I told her I am trying to live by being positive and surrounding myself with positive and that I can't take the negativity. It wouldn't be healthy for me. I can't be my mother's keeper. When the time comes that she can't live independently, I will assist her all that I am able to, but not under my roof. No need for guilt.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Hi WW, I really relate to your situation, although I have two elderly parents one of whom is deteriorating physically and mentally. I have gone through all the "what if's" and even considered moving to their home town. All that thinking has driven me crazy! At the end of the day I need to take care of myself else I won't be of use to anyone, and I am entitled to a life (although at times it doesn't feel like it). That's when a red flashing alarm goes off as one of my biggest fears is getting dragged back into co-dependent, rescuing and dysfunctional behaviors. I do help them as much as I can right now and will continue to do so, but I have to retain my own sanity too! Good Luck with this
Prisoner here, but also free
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: South USA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker 
I told my mom she could live with me one day in the near future....then I changed my mind.
I took her on a trip and her habitual negativity drove me crazy in just a couple of days. We had to cut the trip short.
I told her I am trying to live by being positive and surrounding myself with positive and that I can't take the negativity. It wouldn't be healthy for me. I can't be my mother's keeper. When the time comes that she can't live independently, I will assist her all that I am able to, but not under my roof. No need for guilt.
I took her on a trip and her habitual negativity drove me crazy in just a couple of days. We had to cut the trip short.
I told her I am trying to live by being positive and surrounding myself with positive and that I can't take the negativity. It wouldn't be healthy for me. I can't be my mother's keeper. When the time comes that she can't live independently, I will assist her all that I am able to, but not under my roof. No need for guilt.
Let's be honest here. My grandfather moved in with us - wore my mother out with his constant negativity, like SS described ... always blaming, criticizing, getting defensive OVER NOTHING ... like it was his ego vs. the world.
PLUS, let us not forget the INCESSANT DEMANDS ... the "I need this, right now, right now, right now!!!!" or freak-out sessions would be sure to follow.
My grandfather has since been "kicked out," more or less. We put him in an assisted living facility. And you know what? He is hanging out with adults his own age, being nice, and his brain is functioning on a higher level from all of the socializing. He's already completely forgotten all about me, his granddaughter, because he has others taking care of him now ....
EDIT: Perhaps I am being too hard on him ... I don't think he's "forgotten" me, per se ... however, he has a history of very self-centered, manipulative behavior, and don't think that I haven't noticed that he doesn't return my calls ....
DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU. Don't let yourself be used.
xo SSs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Hmm tough one.
Its a long way off before my mum will need my care. This actually came up in conversation last month.
My mum works in an old lady's home. she looks after them, bathes them, takes them to the toilet, dresses them.... She's only been there a few months. The job is very tiring physically and more so emotionally.
She gets attached to these ladies. She worries when their health starts failing and she gets so very sad about the ones that are depressed to be there.
She told me last month crying drunk (yes my mum has issues with drinking too - thats a whole other story). Well she was crying, saying to me "Please don't ever put me in a home" I said I wouldn't, she said "You will, the other lady's daughters did". I swore I wouldn't.
I don't know - I don't know what the future holds.
How would your mum take being in a home? Many of the ladies at my mums place have a ball. Each individual situation is different. If having your mother living with you would be detrimental to your health and adding stress then it would not be in anyones best interest to live together.
Its a long way off before my mum will need my care. This actually came up in conversation last month.
My mum works in an old lady's home. she looks after them, bathes them, takes them to the toilet, dresses them.... She's only been there a few months. The job is very tiring physically and more so emotionally.
She gets attached to these ladies. She worries when their health starts failing and she gets so very sad about the ones that are depressed to be there.
She told me last month crying drunk (yes my mum has issues with drinking too - thats a whole other story). Well she was crying, saying to me "Please don't ever put me in a home" I said I wouldn't, she said "You will, the other lady's daughters did". I swore I wouldn't.
I don't know - I don't know what the future holds.
How would your mum take being in a home? Many of the ladies at my mums place have a ball. Each individual situation is different. If having your mother living with you would be detrimental to your health and adding stress then it would not be in anyones best interest to live together.
Power is not having to respond
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
freya
It's like getting hit with one of those alanon moments that you say, AHA! to. Your statement, "But, you know, people don't need to like or understand my boundaries -- they just have to respect them....and I have to be OK with that, too.", is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!
Spiritual, I hear you. My mom has manipulated conversations many times where I find my self agreeing to "take care" of her. I immediately realize what I just said and get resentful at her for "forcing" me into something she didn't even have the decency to simply ask me.
SugarScarss
I invision the same behavior from my mother. The neediness, the demands and the complaining. And, to think that it would go on for another decade is enough to make a sane person jump off a bridge. Thanks for your post.
SugarLily I worked 3 weeks in a nursing home 30 years ago. It was the most depressing job I ever had. I couldn't take it. So I see where your mom's coming from. My mom lays that "please dont send me to a nursing home" guilt trip on me too.
I want to scream at her and tell her that if she wasn't such a whining, needy, paranoid, manipulative, complaining, and hard core hypocondriac, I might consider it.
The insight here is astonishing. Thank you all so very much!!
I will be coming back and re reading your posts!
It's like getting hit with one of those alanon moments that you say, AHA! to. Your statement, "But, you know, people don't need to like or understand my boundaries -- they just have to respect them....and I have to be OK with that, too.", is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!
Spiritual, I hear you. My mom has manipulated conversations many times where I find my self agreeing to "take care" of her. I immediately realize what I just said and get resentful at her for "forcing" me into something she didn't even have the decency to simply ask me.
SugarScarss
I invision the same behavior from my mother. The neediness, the demands and the complaining. And, to think that it would go on for another decade is enough to make a sane person jump off a bridge. Thanks for your post.
SugarLily I worked 3 weeks in a nursing home 30 years ago. It was the most depressing job I ever had. I couldn't take it. So I see where your mom's coming from. My mom lays that "please dont send me to a nursing home" guilt trip on me too.
I want to scream at her and tell her that if she wasn't such a whining, needy, paranoid, manipulative, complaining, and hard core hypocondriac, I might consider it.
The insight here is astonishing. Thank you all so very much!!
I will be coming back and re reading your posts!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I want to scream at her and tell her that if she wasn't such a whining, needy, paranoid, manipulative, complaining, and hard core hypocondriac, I might consider it.
...I know that's not funny.......but that's funny!!!!!!!!!! LOL
B.
...I know that's not funny.......but that's funny!!!!!!!!!! LOL
B.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
My biological Father, Mother and Uncle all died from alcoholism. Somehow, alcoholics always manage to find a drink, now matter how hard it may be. They also manage to find yet another person to suck into their chaos and take care of them. Mine didn't die alone, they gathered a new bunch of alanoids after I did the no-contact things.
Yes, I had some of the "guiltys", but mostly I felt sad for them. My biological parents didn't give me anything that I would not have received in an orphanage. There were many other adults that gave me more love and respect during my childhood than my biological parents.
I have learned in Al-Anon that love is something that is _earned_, not inherited. My adoptive Mother has _earned_ my love with her actions. The behavior of my alcoholic parents.... well.... not even the dog loved them.
If I wouldn't take in the director of the orphanage, why would I take in people that gave me _less_ ?
Mike
Yes, I had some of the "guiltys", but mostly I felt sad for them. My biological parents didn't give me anything that I would not have received in an orphanage. There were many other adults that gave me more love and respect during my childhood than my biological parents.
I have learned in Al-Anon that love is something that is _earned_, not inherited. My adoptive Mother has _earned_ my love with her actions. The behavior of my alcoholic parents.... well.... not even the dog loved them.
If I wouldn't take in the director of the orphanage, why would I take in people that gave me _less_ ?
Mike
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