Funnies
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Funnies
If something made you smile today, why not share it ?
YouTube - Hector Brocklebank - Peter Reed is Deed
YouTube - Hector Brocklebank - Peter Reed is Deed
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ok, they're english but we don't hold that against them.
Love Gavin and Stacey ( She's welsh ! )
Watched the entire 2nd series last weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr7JsvWgYkQ
Love Gavin and Stacey ( She's welsh ! )
Watched the entire 2nd series last weekend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr7JsvWgYkQ
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Someone else must have something funny to help newcomers through a long night !!!!!!!!
YouTube - Best moment in only fools and horses! Del Boy bar fall
YouTube - Best moment in only fools and horses! Del Boy bar fall
Sober since 9th May 2008
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
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Posts: 2,973
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend
the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her
that he doesn't have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR
APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam :
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of
your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when
I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the
check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn
it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.
the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her
that he doesn't have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary
write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR
APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing
that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam :
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of
your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when
I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the
check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn
it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady.
Old momma I guess.
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How to lead a Healthy Diet of Insanity..
These are simply coping techniques - so enjoy!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Insist that your e mail address is:
[email protected]
[email protected]
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want chips with that.
5. Put your rubbish on your desk and label it "IN."
6. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
7. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
9. Dontuseanypunctuationorspacesbetweenwords.
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Ask people whether they are male or female, then laugh hysterically after they answer.
12. Specify that your drive-through order at Mc Donalds is "to go."
13. Sing along at the opera.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Put mosquito netting around your office space. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking, shoutin "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
These are simply coping techniques - so enjoy!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Insist that your e mail address is:
[email protected]
[email protected]
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want chips with that.
5. Put your rubbish on your desk and label it "IN."
6. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
7. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
9. Dontuseanypunctuationorspacesbetweenwords.
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Ask people whether they are male or female, then laugh hysterically after they answer.
12. Specify that your drive-through order at Mc Donalds is "to go."
13. Sing along at the opera.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Put mosquito netting around your office space. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking, shoutin "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
Sober since 9th May 2008
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Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it
was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she
said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the
bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she
let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off
by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,
Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!
Doubles as a wee lesson on British sweeties !!!!!!!!!!!!
was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she
said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought!
Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the
bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg.He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she
let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off
by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife,
Caramel. Sadly he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who apparently had Allsorts!!!
Doubles as a wee lesson on British sweeties !!!!!!!!!!!!
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English lesson: How to word a sentence properly
The boss had to fire somebody. He narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers. So, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night and she went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap today!
The boss had to fire somebody. He narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers. So, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night and she went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap today!
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Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Okay...thought this was funny. My brother was goofing around with his co-workers and they were on some silly rant about laundry. On and on the silliness is going when my brother suddenly shouts out: JUST SEPERATE THE COLOREDS FROM THE WHITES!!!
The whole office goes dead silent and his fellow co-workers just walk away from him.
The whole office goes dead silent and his fellow co-workers just walk away from him.
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Cheers for sharing Boston
Tonights entry,
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Tonights entry,
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Am pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on! lang weekend fir me.'
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.
Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -
inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said."we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent: "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "For **** Sake WHERE did all these English bastards come from?"
Teacher looking round the class: "Who said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yous on Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish twang) thinks, "Ya bassa. Am pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on! lang weekend fir me.'
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.
Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy."
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy -
inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.
Teacher: "Who said."we will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss."
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent: "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "For **** Sake WHERE did all these English bastards come from?"
Teacher looking round the class: "Who said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yous on Tuesday."
Day One's Can RIP!!!
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.
Not exactly funny but lots of fun!
It starts out a bit slow but stick with it . . . I don't think you'll be sorry. And make sure your speakers are turned on.
where the hell is matt - Google Video
After you watch it, Google "where the he!! is Matt" to get the real story on him. It's great!
Not exactly funny but lots of fun!
It starts out a bit slow but stick with it . . . I don't think you'll be sorry. And make sure your speakers are turned on.
where the hell is matt - Google Video
After you watch it, Google "where the he!! is Matt" to get the real story on him. It's great!
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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Thanks Harley, just looked up matt, made me smile, great story.
Look it up folks, all you can lose is the 4 mins it takes for the video to run !!!!!!!!!!!
Must be some other gems out there that folk can share !!!!!!!!!!
Need some help to get me through these cold dark evenings.
Look it up folks, all you can lose is the 4 mins it takes for the video to run !!!!!!!!!!!
Must be some other gems out there that folk can share !!!!!!!!!!
Need some help to get me through these cold dark evenings.
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’
The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the s**t out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?’
The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’
The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the s**t out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?’
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