the past is catching up
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 30
Hey change!
I am so proud of you for posting here and asking for help! Is the debt what overwhelmed you? Is that what made you want to tune out? Are you talking about spiritual debt or financial debt? Doesn't sound like the drinking is helping. Maybe just making you feel worse?
I have gone from being debt free to being about 20k in debt in the last 4 months - not from credit cards or bad spending habits, but from old sh@t (5+ yrs) that finally caught up with me, so if it's financial debt, I understand.
The drinking may make you feel ok for a little while, but all of these problems will still be there when you sober up. Then you will feel angry/stressed/upset about your problems AND the fact that you were drinking.
When you are ready to start over (and you absolutely can), I know everyone here will still be here waiting to help and support you.
Hang in there!
I am so proud of you for posting here and asking for help! Is the debt what overwhelmed you? Is that what made you want to tune out? Are you talking about spiritual debt or financial debt? Doesn't sound like the drinking is helping. Maybe just making you feel worse?
I have gone from being debt free to being about 20k in debt in the last 4 months - not from credit cards or bad spending habits, but from old sh@t (5+ yrs) that finally caught up with me, so if it's financial debt, I understand.
The drinking may make you feel ok for a little while, but all of these problems will still be there when you sober up. Then you will feel angry/stressed/upset about your problems AND the fact that you were drinking.
When you are ready to start over (and you absolutely can), I know everyone here will still be here waiting to help and support you.
Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I deleted my original thread. Anyway emotional, financial. Just empty. 20K X4 and I hane nothing and never will. I joined a band which was a great thing, but they all drink and I felt like I should too. When they leave rehearsal they go home, I go out and drink till I pass out. I am so friggin f'dup I try so hard just to find piece of mind. I felt really good for awhile and then I dont know I started getting obsessed with using again.
I havent druged, but Im jonsing crack so bad I actually went on youtube to watch other people smoke. I think its only a matter of time,but I keep telling myself I wont do it. Almost one year drug free.
I havent druged, but Im jonsing crack so bad I actually went on youtube to watch other people smoke. I think its only a matter of time,but I keep telling myself I wont do it. Almost one year drug free.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
awww, sweetie, if you tell yourself "it's only a matter of time" it is. Been there, done that.
Crack, and all the crap that goes with it, hasn't changed. When I relapsed, I went down harder and faster than I had before. It took me only a week to lose what little I had worked so very hard for, for 2 years. Not to mention, I got into MORE debt.
It gets harder and harder to come back, and some don't make it back.
Stop the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and will just bring you down even more, and it makes you think using is an option again.
Can you file bankruptcy? There ARE options but you need a clear head to think of them.
I'll be 47 next week, and I'm living with my dad and stepmom because of the financial mess I put myself in. But every night I go to sleep, I know I haven't done anything that's going to come back and bite me in the a$$ later.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Crack, and all the crap that goes with it, hasn't changed. When I relapsed, I went down harder and faster than I had before. It took me only a week to lose what little I had worked so very hard for, for 2 years. Not to mention, I got into MORE debt.
It gets harder and harder to come back, and some don't make it back.
Stop the drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and will just bring you down even more, and it makes you think using is an option again.
Can you file bankruptcy? There ARE options but you need a clear head to think of them.
I'll be 47 next week, and I'm living with my dad and stepmom because of the financial mess I put myself in. But every night I go to sleep, I know I haven't done anything that's going to come back and bite me in the a$$ later.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I thought I could start over, I really did. But you cant erase the past. Some things can be worked through, but other things just arent going away for the rest of my life.
I just cant forgive myself for so many things. the clearer my thoughts got the more ai strted hating myself. self loathing brought me right back to the bottle.
I cant forgive myself for completely destroying my life, and ruining every relationship,whether it be relative, friends or lovers.
Ive just been a horrible person, and that cant be taken back.
Imgoing straight to hell no doubt
I just cant forgive myself for so many things. the clearer my thoughts got the more ai strted hating myself. self loathing brought me right back to the bottle.
I cant forgive myself for completely destroying my life, and ruining every relationship,whether it be relative, friends or lovers.
Ive just been a horrible person, and that cant be taken back.
Imgoing straight to hell no doubt
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
geez, you're a bit old for peer pressure Beth.
You know where drinking leads.
And looking at youtube to watch ppl smoke?
Best I can say there is...that's not good.
We've been corresponding for a while now - it comes down to you wanting to be sober more than you want to drink and drug.
Sure life is hard - dunno how drinking and wanting to smoke crack is gonna help your debt. It might stop you worrying about it and doing something about it, but is that what you really need?
I think you're worth it - I'm not sure you do, and I dunno how to get there for you. I know I had to nearly die to 'get' it...I hope you find an easier way
all this self loathing'll kill ya - one way or the other.
D
You know where drinking leads.
And looking at youtube to watch ppl smoke?
Best I can say there is...that's not good.
We've been corresponding for a while now - it comes down to you wanting to be sober more than you want to drink and drug.
Sure life is hard - dunno how drinking and wanting to smoke crack is gonna help your debt. It might stop you worrying about it and doing something about it, but is that what you really need?
I think you're worth it - I'm not sure you do, and I dunno how to get there for you. I know I had to nearly die to 'get' it...I hope you find an easier way
all this self loathing'll kill ya - one way or the other.
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 30
WHOAAA!!
You may have done bad things in the past, but that doesn't mean you are going to hell or that you are a bad person!!!
The past is the past, Darlin'. Start over now. Do you owe money to people that don't care if you file BK because it doesn't affect them??
You can ALWAYS start over! I think this is the booze talking. Impurrfect is abso right - booze is a depressant. It will also erase all of the inhibitions that have allowed you to be clean for a year. Please don't do something that you will be sooo sorry for tomorrow.
You may have done bad things in the past, but that doesn't mean you are going to hell or that you are a bad person!!!
The past is the past, Darlin'. Start over now. Do you owe money to people that don't care if you file BK because it doesn't affect them??
You can ALWAYS start over! I think this is the booze talking. Impurrfect is abso right - booze is a depressant. It will also erase all of the inhibitions that have allowed you to be clean for a year. Please don't do something that you will be sooo sorry for tomorrow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
ImLosing my friggin mind I think I need to just go to sleep. I already screwed up so Im gonna finish what I started and start again tommarrow if I can. I ve been in a stupor for almost 2 weeks now and I really hate to sober up agaim. What a bitch
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
You have done it before..you can do it again.
You have withstood the crap drinking and smoking rocks has done to you enough to where you have gotten yourself a new place. You got away from John and all that mess. You got a good amount of time under your belt.
I have complete faith in you My Bethy.
You can do it again.
If you can make it through getting clean. You can do anyhting. That is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to go through.
So put that fight back in you with the rest of this BS and do what you gotta do.
I use to go on youtube too and watch them get high too.
Now it just breaks my heart to see it.
Yea..Not a good idea..your setting yourself up. Dont go out like that Beth.
Thinking of you as always and hopeing you snap out of it.
You have withstood the crap drinking and smoking rocks has done to you enough to where you have gotten yourself a new place. You got away from John and all that mess. You got a good amount of time under your belt.
I have complete faith in you My Bethy.
You can do it again.
If you can make it through getting clean. You can do anyhting. That is the hardest thing most of us will ever have to go through.
So put that fight back in you with the rest of this BS and do what you gotta do.
I use to go on youtube too and watch them get high too.
Now it just breaks my heart to see it.
Yea..Not a good idea..your setting yourself up. Dont go out like that Beth.
Thinking of you as always and hopeing you snap out of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 235
I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I know what it feels like to avoid sobriety in order to avoid problems. That includes financial problems. I went two years racking up credit card bills...I was a drunken mess. It wasn't until I STOPPED the drinking and got sober that I realized there WAS a resolution. To see it, I simply had to have a sense of clarity...that I was only able to acomplish if I was sober.
I'm finding that when I'm not drinking problems are SO much more easily solved! I hope you too can reach that point. You are NOT a bad person! We all make mistakes...it's how we learn from them and turn ourselves around that shows our true character.
I'm finding that when I'm not drinking problems are SO much more easily solved! I hope you too can reach that point. You are NOT a bad person! We all make mistakes...it's how we learn from them and turn ourselves around that shows our true character.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
When cars get into accidents sometimes the damage is so bad it has to be totaled.I feel like that car. I dont see anyway out from under all thhis crap.
im tired very tired,more tired than ive ever felt before. I cant sleep at night so I sleep all day. Quit my job so I can stay up drinking at night and sleep all day.
I never feel well and everything hurts. Im not doing this anymore. I dont know what imgonna do , but I cant go on like this I just dont have the strength
im tired very tired,more tired than ive ever felt before. I cant sleep at night so I sleep all day. Quit my job so I can stay up drinking at night and sleep all day.
I never feel well and everything hurts. Im not doing this anymore. I dont know what imgonna do , but I cant go on like this I just dont have the strength
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi Beth,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling badly.
But, Beth, you quit your job, you're spending money on drinking - how is that going to help your debt? I know it's hard and it seems overwhelming, but you can stick with it and get through it. You can file bankruptcy, you can talk to collection agencies. There are things you can do.
You've got the strength to do this!
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling badly.
But, Beth, you quit your job, you're spending money on drinking - how is that going to help your debt? I know it's hard and it seems overwhelming, but you can stick with it and get through it. You can file bankruptcy, you can talk to collection agencies. There are things you can do.
You've got the strength to do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I shower everyday and I still feel dirty. Dirty inside I guess.
At any rate. I still have my night job si not all is lost. Monday AM Im going to the hospital to sign up for charity care so I can atleast address my health issues.
Im gonna try and regroup somehow.I just feellike I have so little energy and I cant do anything.
At any rate. I still have my night job si not all is lost. Monday AM Im going to the hospital to sign up for charity care so I can atleast address my health issues.
Im gonna try and regroup somehow.I just feellike I have so little energy and I cant do anything.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Beth,
That's a good plan.
Take care of your health. And, hold onto the job you have. You can't go back, but you can move forward little by little. It might not be the way you imagined it would be or what you would wish for, but it's your life and you have hope!
That's a good plan.
Take care of your health. And, hold onto the job you have. You can't go back, but you can move forward little by little. It might not be the way you imagined it would be or what you would wish for, but it's your life and you have hope!
believer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Hi Change for life. I remember your posts.
Lift your head high, and choose what you want to attract to your life. If you decide to realize and live according to your greatness, you will be alright.
It's hard to look around and see a lot to do. But the only way is to do something. You start picking up the smallest things, and your life cleans up. It doesn't mean you won't want to give up or realize the task is tough, but the more you clean your life up, the more you will want this.
I know how hard it is, when there's so little energy to do any thing. But when you feel like that, still hold on, still make something of your life.
You have a great power in you that you haven't realized; your spirit. Use it
love, Nuno
Lift your head high, and choose what you want to attract to your life. If you decide to realize and live according to your greatness, you will be alright.
It's hard to look around and see a lot to do. But the only way is to do something. You start picking up the smallest things, and your life cleans up. It doesn't mean you won't want to give up or realize the task is tough, but the more you clean your life up, the more you will want this.
I know how hard it is, when there's so little energy to do any thing. But when you feel like that, still hold on, still make something of your life.
You have a great power in you that you haven't realized; your spirit. Use it
love, Nuno
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Nunos right B - and whether you believe it right now or not - you do have great spirit and you do have something to offer.
You deserve a little happiness. We all do.
Whatever we did we did - now we have a chance to live our lives right, mebbe help some others along the way - if that's not atonement I dunno what is.
Do like Anna said - you can't go back, but you can move forward little by little.
And we're all here for ya
D
You deserve a little happiness. We all do.
Whatever we did we did - now we have a chance to live our lives right, mebbe help some others along the way - if that's not atonement I dunno what is.
Do like Anna said - you can't go back, but you can move forward little by little.
And we're all here for ya
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
I try not to look back, but there are things that keep popping up that I cant ignore.
I know Ive been stupid. My problems have been there all along. They only started to seem life altering when I started drinking again.
I spoke to my boss tonight and changed next weeks schedule so I can have time to get myself to a meeting. Im way overdue. I say it now and I hope I can stick to my decision. I need help and I have to accept that.
Meetings might not be the answer, but I have to try. I can stop, but I can never stay stopped.
I might have drank, but in 3 weeks it will be one year since I drugged and that is a big thing for me.
I know Ive been stupid. My problems have been there all along. They only started to seem life altering when I started drinking again.
I spoke to my boss tonight and changed next weeks schedule so I can have time to get myself to a meeting. Im way overdue. I say it now and I hope I can stick to my decision. I need help and I have to accept that.
Meetings might not be the answer, but I have to try. I can stop, but I can never stay stopped.
I might have drank, but in 3 weeks it will be one year since I drugged and that is a big thing for me.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Originally Posted by Change4life 
I thought I could start over, I really did. But you cant erase the past. Some things can be worked through, but other things just arent going away for the rest of my life.
I just cant forgive myself for so many things. the clearer my thoughts got the more ai strted hating myself. self loathing brought me right back to the bottle.
I cant forgive myself for completely destroying my life, and ruining every relationship,whether it be relative, friends or lovers.
Ive just been a horrible person, and that cant be taken back.
Imgoing straight to hell no doubt
I just cant forgive myself for so many things. the clearer my thoughts got the more ai strted hating myself. self loathing brought me right back to the bottle.
I cant forgive myself for completely destroying my life, and ruining every relationship,whether it be relative, friends or lovers.
Ive just been a horrible person, and that cant be taken back.
Imgoing straight to hell no doubt
Stop beating yourself up.
We face the past at the rate we need to.
we are not bad people we just have a disease. Keep going and do something for your recovery each day not matter how small, staying clean is a good start. Never to old to unlearn past habits we have outgrown and open the door for the new.
Kevin
Prisoner here, but also free
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: South USA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Change4life
I deleted my original thread. Anyway emotional, financial. Just empty. 20K X4 and I hane nothing and never will. I joined a band which was a great thing, but they all drink and I felt like I should too. When they leave rehearsal they go home, I go out and drink till I pass out. I am so friggin f'dup I try so hard just to find piece of mind. I felt really good for awhile and then I dont know I started getting obsessed with using again.
I havent druged, but Im jonsing crack so bad I actually went on youtube to watch other people smoke. I think its only a matter of time,but I keep telling myself I wont do it. Almost one year drug free.
I havent druged, but Im jonsing crack so bad I actually went on youtube to watch other people smoke. I think its only a matter of time,but I keep telling myself I wont do it. Almost one year drug free.
I completely understand feeling sapped of strength and useless, too ... but you can fight this ... do what you have to do to keep the faith!!
Wishing you luck & strength!!
SSs
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