My boyfriend is an addict...do I stay?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
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My boyfriend is an addict...do I stay?
It's hard to write these types of posts...because there's always so much more to a story than what meets the eye. But I'll try to sum everything up. Here it goes.
So, I've been dating this guy for almost 6 months (this time around). Let me give you some background. He's my sister's husband's brother. Yes, it's legal. Some people think it's odd. But I am evidence of the fact you don't choose who you fall in love with. Anyway, we've been on and off for almost 5 years now. He broke my heart when we were younger and he recently came begging back (6 months ago to be exact). We have been trying to rebuild our relationship over long distance, as he lives in northern california. Over the past few times I've gone to see him I noticed how much he drank and how many drugs he was doing. I'm not a heavy drinker or drug user myself but I definitely did my fair share in college, so just thought he was finishing up growing out of those stages. (he's 2 years younger than me). Anyway, I approached him about it and he said I was right and he would stop the drugs, heavy drinking etc. He said he promised to tell me everytime he did it and that he would try and stop because he knew it had become a problem (he has been doing it every weekend for a year). It's mostly been cocaine but he has recently been doing Ecstacy, Molly(MDMA), Vicodin, anything he can get his hands on. Well, this past weekend, after him hitting what I assume to be rock bottom and him telling me he has been lying to me for months and did a TON of drugs this weekend, and me breaking up with him...he said he's getting help and is going to go to meetings etc. I should also mention he's been on antidepressant medication for the past 8 years of his life. He said he's going to get a new therapist and re-evaluate his medications.
My questions is. What am I supposed to do? What is the best thing for him? For me to let him get himself better or to stay and be here for him? I know I love him and I have for 5 years and he tells me he doesn't ever want to be with another woman (although who knows if he's been cheating on me in addition to the drug lies?). I do want to be with him but I can't stand the hurt and lying anymore. Am I supposed to stay and help him - even though we both know only he can help himself - or do I end things now and let him do this alone?
I keep reading different things and ultimately of course I care for him and want him to get better...but I can't be his crutch and want him to do this for himself. But I'm deathly afraid he's just going to hurt me again.
What should I do?
So, I've been dating this guy for almost 6 months (this time around). Let me give you some background. He's my sister's husband's brother. Yes, it's legal. Some people think it's odd. But I am evidence of the fact you don't choose who you fall in love with. Anyway, we've been on and off for almost 5 years now. He broke my heart when we were younger and he recently came begging back (6 months ago to be exact). We have been trying to rebuild our relationship over long distance, as he lives in northern california. Over the past few times I've gone to see him I noticed how much he drank and how many drugs he was doing. I'm not a heavy drinker or drug user myself but I definitely did my fair share in college, so just thought he was finishing up growing out of those stages. (he's 2 years younger than me). Anyway, I approached him about it and he said I was right and he would stop the drugs, heavy drinking etc. He said he promised to tell me everytime he did it and that he would try and stop because he knew it had become a problem (he has been doing it every weekend for a year). It's mostly been cocaine but he has recently been doing Ecstacy, Molly(MDMA), Vicodin, anything he can get his hands on. Well, this past weekend, after him hitting what I assume to be rock bottom and him telling me he has been lying to me for months and did a TON of drugs this weekend, and me breaking up with him...he said he's getting help and is going to go to meetings etc. I should also mention he's been on antidepressant medication for the past 8 years of his life. He said he's going to get a new therapist and re-evaluate his medications.
My questions is. What am I supposed to do? What is the best thing for him? For me to let him get himself better or to stay and be here for him? I know I love him and I have for 5 years and he tells me he doesn't ever want to be with another woman (although who knows if he's been cheating on me in addition to the drug lies?). I do want to be with him but I can't stand the hurt and lying anymore. Am I supposed to stay and help him - even though we both know only he can help himself - or do I end things now and let him do this alone?
I keep reading different things and ultimately of course I care for him and want him to get better...but I can't be his crutch and want him to do this for himself. But I'm deathly afraid he's just going to hurt me again.
What should I do?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Bella)))
Welcome to SR! I'm sorry for what you are going through, but there is a lot of support here.
First of all, the best thing you can do for HIM, is to focus on YOU. He is going to do what he's going to do...get into recovery, or keep using.
I'm a recovering addict, who left my addict boyfriend (XABF) because he was still using. My family loves me, but they refused to enable my addiction. I was forced to face my consequences and I realized that getting high was no longer worth it. If anyone had "helped me out"...paid my way out of legal trouble, fed me and housed me while I was using, I would have never sought recovery.
I highly recommend reading here about detaching. It doesn't mean turning your back on him, but it does mean letting him do what he's going to do, while you figure out what YOU want from life and go for it.
Also, here are the 3 c's...you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it, and you can't CHANGE it.
An addict may tell you they won't make it without you, they'll just overdose and die. Don't believe it. When I was using, I could justify it with anything. The truth was, I wanted to be high...plain and simple.
Keep reading and posting...you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR! I'm sorry for what you are going through, but there is a lot of support here.
First of all, the best thing you can do for HIM, is to focus on YOU. He is going to do what he's going to do...get into recovery, or keep using.
I'm a recovering addict, who left my addict boyfriend (XABF) because he was still using. My family loves me, but they refused to enable my addiction. I was forced to face my consequences and I realized that getting high was no longer worth it. If anyone had "helped me out"...paid my way out of legal trouble, fed me and housed me while I was using, I would have never sought recovery.
I highly recommend reading here about detaching. It doesn't mean turning your back on him, but it does mean letting him do what he's going to do, while you figure out what YOU want from life and go for it.
Also, here are the 3 c's...you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it, and you can't CHANGE it.
An addict may tell you they won't make it without you, they'll just overdose and die. Don't believe it. When I was using, I could justify it with anything. The truth was, I wanted to be high...plain and simple.
Keep reading and posting...you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
That's a really good question. And I don't know. It seems everything and nothing at the same time. I know he can be great because I've seen him be. But I also know he's very screwed up. I have just loved him for so long and he makes me feel like no other person has...but it's almost like he's a drug to me. The high is so high and the low is so low. I just don't want to hurt him by leaving him when he needs me most I guess? Do I sound like a battered wife?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
Thanks Amy. So your advice is to just focus on me and be here when he needs me? It's just all so confusing. I wish it were more black and white but I feel like I'm stuck in every shade of grey there is.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Hi Bella, Welcome!
My recommendation would be as Dr. Will Harley says .... to "Run For Cover!!"
I know.....Easier said than done....
As long as he's in active addiction, he's gonna hurt you.
He can't stop on his own, no matter what he says. He'll do it behind your back.
Even if he chooses to get help (either rehab or outpatient treatment), it would be better for him to be on his own, so that his focus will only be on himself and recovery.
Sorry, I'm just being honest with you. Thankfully you're not married and no children together, it would be a harder detachment.
I hope the best for you Bella.
NH7
My recommendation would be as Dr. Will Harley says .... to "Run For Cover!!"
I know.....Easier said than done....
As long as he's in active addiction, he's gonna hurt you.
He can't stop on his own, no matter what he says. He'll do it behind your back.
Even if he chooses to get help (either rehab or outpatient treatment), it would be better for him to be on his own, so that his focus will only be on himself and recovery.
Sorry, I'm just being honest with you. Thankfully you're not married and no children together, it would be a harder detachment.
I hope the best for you Bella.
NH7
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
You don't necessarily have to be there when he needs you.
It's called boundaries. You decide what you will tolerate. Don't want to talk to him when he's high, tell him "if you call me when I'm high, I will hang up". The thing with boundaries is, it's about you and what you will tolerate. You also have to decide what you will do if he breaks a boundary and then follow through.
"if you lie, I will......"
"if you continue to get high, I will....."
The biggest thing is to go by his ACTIONS, not his words. He's already lied to you and we A's are experts at lying and manipulating. If he's serious about recovery, his actions will show it. He will do what he says he's going to do, he will not "disappear" or have a million excuses as to why he didn't answer the phone, etc.
It IS a grey area. I learned more about detaching and boundaries by getting fed up with him. I would try this and that, and it didn't work. I would question him, forever, and eventually figured out that he would tell me what he thought I wanted to hear.
We take baby steps, and sometimes we slide backwards. But each time we do, we learn "well, THAT didn't work" and we try something else.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It's called boundaries. You decide what you will tolerate. Don't want to talk to him when he's high, tell him "if you call me when I'm high, I will hang up". The thing with boundaries is, it's about you and what you will tolerate. You also have to decide what you will do if he breaks a boundary and then follow through.
"if you lie, I will......"
"if you continue to get high, I will....."
The biggest thing is to go by his ACTIONS, not his words. He's already lied to you and we A's are experts at lying and manipulating. If he's serious about recovery, his actions will show it. He will do what he says he's going to do, he will not "disappear" or have a million excuses as to why he didn't answer the phone, etc.
It IS a grey area. I learned more about detaching and boundaries by getting fed up with him. I would try this and that, and it didn't work. I would question him, forever, and eventually figured out that he would tell me what he thought I wanted to hear.
We take baby steps, and sometimes we slide backwards. But each time we do, we learn "well, THAT didn't work" and we try something else.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My addict is my daughter. I had to learn to detach from her addiction while still loving the person underneath the addiction. Only you can decide if you want to stay or go. Since you are already long distance, maybe you could tell him that you love him, hope that he gets the help he needs and take some time off from the relationship to figure out what you want. Keep coming back and find an Al-anon meeting or Nar-anon meeting if you can. They really do help you to keep the focus on you. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
yes, you can say that if that's how you feel.
I've had THREE addict/alcoholic boyfriends...one relationship lasted over 20 years. I was very addicted to THEM.
Marle is right about meetings...al-anon or nar-anon. They will help you focus on you. I had to learn a lot about codependency to see why I chose men who were emotionally unavailable. I still can't tell you WHY I was that way, but now I know what I want and what I will/will not tolerate.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've had THREE addict/alcoholic boyfriends...one relationship lasted over 20 years. I was very addicted to THEM.
Marle is right about meetings...al-anon or nar-anon. They will help you focus on you. I had to learn a lot about codependency to see why I chose men who were emotionally unavailable. I still can't tell you WHY I was that way, but now I know what I want and what I will/will not tolerate.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
Thank you for everyone's help. It's all so confusing when you're in the situation. I wish there was an easier way to deal with this. I just never imagined I would be where I am right now. I want to believe what he says but I suppose that's what has gotten me here in the first place. You're right about watching his actions though...and that's exactly what I'll do. Thanks again for the help.
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Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 11
The onyl down side to saying something like "If you lie or use again I can't be in your life" is that he'll lie to prevent that from happening. He said that's why he lied in the first place...because he knew i would leave him.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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Then maybe you can say "I can't trust you to tell me the truth so we need to take a break"?
Whatever you decide now, does not mean it's forever. You don't live together, so in a way it's easier, but it's also harder because you don't know what he's doing. I can promise you, though, if he continues using/drinking, but lying about it, his ACTIONS will show it in time. Meanwhile, you will be going on with your life.
Sometimes, the threat of losing a relationship is one of those consequences that will spur an addict toward recovery, but most of the time it's not. If he thinks he can string you along and keep doing what he wants...he will.
Whatever you decide now, does not mean it's forever. You don't live together, so in a way it's easier, but it's also harder because you don't know what he's doing. I can promise you, though, if he continues using/drinking, but lying about it, his ACTIONS will show it in time. Meanwhile, you will be going on with your life.
Sometimes, the threat of losing a relationship is one of those consequences that will spur an addict toward recovery, but most of the time it's not. If he thinks he can string you along and keep doing what he wants...he will.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
you sound very full of doubts. And from my perspective, that sounds very wise. I am sorry for your situation and your pain. It's hard to make good decisions when our hearts get involved. I'm betting if one of your friends came and asked you all of those questions that it might be pretty easy to see the situation more clearly. It is hard when you are up close to it....I know.....I stayed and it's taken a huge toll on me. From what I've seen - addiction is even worse than what they admit to. The best way to help him is to not be involved with him while he is in active addiction. If he wants to get sober then the best thing that he can do is to do it on his own. Otherwise....he is using you as a crutch. Not a happy life on down the road.
Only you can decide but I sure wish that I knew then what I know now. I had no idea how rough and difficult this path to not using is. No matter what your choice you will find support here. We definitely understand.
Only you can decide but I sure wish that I knew then what I know now. I had no idea how rough and difficult this path to not using is. No matter what your choice you will find support here. We definitely understand.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Never believe what an addict says...they lie habitually.
Do all the work to get healthy yourself so that you can be attracted to someone who is available.
Drugs are his love. Maybe you are just his next best option.
Only when he is in recovery, and sober for an extended period...should you consider him the guy for you
Is this the man to build an equal relationship with . Is this someone to father your children ?
Should I be here to help him? You know the answer to that. You are not a savior, his mother, etc.
Just some thoughts that come to mind after reading your post.
Certain facts in my mind are deal breakers in a relationship...abuse, infidelity, drug + alcohol abuse/addiction.
Do all the work to get healthy yourself so that you can be attracted to someone who is available.
Drugs are his love. Maybe you are just his next best option.
Only when he is in recovery, and sober for an extended period...should you consider him the guy for you
Is this the man to build an equal relationship with . Is this someone to father your children ?
Should I be here to help him? You know the answer to that. You are not a savior, his mother, etc.
Just some thoughts that come to mind after reading your post.
Certain facts in my mind are deal breakers in a relationship...abuse, infidelity, drug + alcohol abuse/addiction.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 34
I never would've ended up in my relationship if my present AH did drugs. We met at 19. I was against drugs, he was against drugs. He only ever drank beer back then. We both partied. I was always too scared to become involved with that lifestyle because i had a best friend whose dad destroyed their family. I would tell anyone that isn't in "too deep" also to "Run Forest, Run and Don't Look back!!!"
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Thinking back on some of the things I have dealt with in the past almost 30 years with an addict... RUN! I too was soo in love and I thought it would all work out. I thought if I tried hard enough the good part of him would outshine the addiction. That he would grow up and decide to be the wonderful guy that was in there somewhere all the time. That he would be a great dad, great partner, engaged in life. Didn't happen. Drugs have a stronghold on the user. Can breakfree if they truly want to do it, but it impacts every relationship and every aspect of your life if you choose to stay involved.
Take care of you. Reach out to others. Keep coming here. Go to meetings. Give yourself plenty of room to see others and to experience other parts of life. It is so worth it to live life to the fullest. Don't settle.
HUGS
Take care of you. Reach out to others. Keep coming here. Go to meetings. Give yourself plenty of room to see others and to experience other parts of life. It is so worth it to live life to the fullest. Don't settle.
HUGS
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