I ask for help....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I ask for help....
I'm really trying to tell myself that this is the end of this madness... I am almost certain by the grace of God it is, but I'm still hurt.
I was not feeling well at work so I asked my ABF to come and get me. I waited over two hours for what should have been a 30 minute subway ride... (The phones don't work in subways so I had no way of knowing if he was on his way or something happened.)
I come home to see him passed out on the floor with a needle. I told him to get out. I did not expalin why, I just wanted him to get out of the door so I could lock it. I don't think he really understood what happened at the time, but later on he did...
He says that I caused him to do heroin, becasue I don't love him and I never did. I don't support him, and when he slips, I never forgive him. When he slips I kick him out, I don't care if it's raining, snow, night or day, when he uses, he is out...
I looked around to see what was missing, ALL my jewelry again. He says that I am crazy and must have bipolar becuase he did not take it. He said that I must have hid it in a place I forgot. (I know where I put my things)... I give up, I use to have nice things, they are all gone.. I might as well be a junkie myself, becuase I sure look like one.
I gained fifteen pounds and he said that I really let myself go... For the past couple of months we did not have sex, because I was not ready to just give in like that again... He said he could not even touch me becuase I have let myslef go.... I'm 5' 8" and 160lbs, so I'm not THAT fat, just need to get this little bit off... and I always try to look nice.
What hurts the most is that he said I never loved him and never supported him... and that the reason he did the heroin was because he does not feel loved by me...
I'm at work and my eyes are burning from all the tears... I really think sometimes it is my fault and I should have been there when he slipped...
I told him is is a junkie and picks the junk instead of me. I told him he is going to die very soon from this, and for that I will spit on his grave.
I am in a bad place and I ask for help.
I was not feeling well at work so I asked my ABF to come and get me. I waited over two hours for what should have been a 30 minute subway ride... (The phones don't work in subways so I had no way of knowing if he was on his way or something happened.)
I come home to see him passed out on the floor with a needle. I told him to get out. I did not expalin why, I just wanted him to get out of the door so I could lock it. I don't think he really understood what happened at the time, but later on he did...
He says that I caused him to do heroin, becasue I don't love him and I never did. I don't support him, and when he slips, I never forgive him. When he slips I kick him out, I don't care if it's raining, snow, night or day, when he uses, he is out...
I looked around to see what was missing, ALL my jewelry again. He says that I am crazy and must have bipolar becuase he did not take it. He said that I must have hid it in a place I forgot. (I know where I put my things)... I give up, I use to have nice things, they are all gone.. I might as well be a junkie myself, becuase I sure look like one.
I gained fifteen pounds and he said that I really let myself go... For the past couple of months we did not have sex, because I was not ready to just give in like that again... He said he could not even touch me becuase I have let myslef go.... I'm 5' 8" and 160lbs, so I'm not THAT fat, just need to get this little bit off... and I always try to look nice.
What hurts the most is that he said I never loved him and never supported him... and that the reason he did the heroin was because he does not feel loved by me...
I'm at work and my eyes are burning from all the tears... I really think sometimes it is my fault and I should have been there when he slipped...
I told him is is a junkie and picks the junk instead of me. I told him he is going to die very soon from this, and for that I will spit on his grave.
I am in a bad place and I ask for help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Oh little bird. that's really tragic. but it's not your fault! Don't forget that just like you can't make him stop getting high, you can't make him get high either. Addicts like to blame others for their problems because then they don't have to be responsible for them.
That's a horrible way to find someone. Keep working on yourself and getting stronger. NOTHING you do can help him. He must help himself.
Keep reading the stickies on this site. Over and over and over again. Learn how to be a whole person without him in your life.
Learn how to love yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like that by someone that you love and care about.
And regarding your weight. That is not fat. Trust me. I'm WAY fatter than that. You can find someone who will love you just the way you are. 15lbs one way or another does not make a difference in true love.
That's a horrible way to find someone. Keep working on yourself and getting stronger. NOTHING you do can help him. He must help himself.
Keep reading the stickies on this site. Over and over and over again. Learn how to be a whole person without him in your life.
Learn how to love yourself. You don't deserve to be treated like that by someone that you love and care about.
And regarding your weight. That is not fat. Trust me. I'm WAY fatter than that. You can find someone who will love you just the way you are. 15lbs one way or another does not make a difference in true love.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New York, USA
Posts: 230
Aw, littlebird, I started out with a bad day today myself. My AD has always tried to blame me for her addiction. Never bought her enough, never loved her enough, never understood her, never cared, always loved her sisters more, it never quit. I have mastered the I didn't cause this, I think I've never fell for that one from anyone but I can't get passed the "buying or loving her to get well." The I can't cure it, one. That one I fall for real hard and really slipped up this past year.
If I could only be 5'8" and 160, dream...........that I don't take from anyone anymore. I've put on weight, 50 lbs. to be exact that I want to get off, but either love me for who I am, thick ( ) or thin ) (, cause I am who I am. My first AH used to do that, and my AD does to. Judge people by appearance. OH, I hate that.
I sure know what it's like to have everything gone. That's been my kinda day, but everyone here sure helped me get through it and day is getting to be a pretty good one.
Hang in there and lots of hugs and dang those tears. Make my nose run and I already have a cold.
Dr. Seuss –
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
That's me today.
If I could only be 5'8" and 160, dream...........that I don't take from anyone anymore. I've put on weight, 50 lbs. to be exact that I want to get off, but either love me for who I am, thick ( ) or thin ) (, cause I am who I am. My first AH used to do that, and my AD does to. Judge people by appearance. OH, I hate that.
I sure know what it's like to have everything gone. That's been my kinda day, but everyone here sure helped me get through it and day is getting to be a pretty good one.
Hang in there and lots of hugs and dang those tears. Make my nose run and I already have a cold.
Dr. Seuss –
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
That's me today.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Littlebird))
I'm sorry, sweetie, but I'm glad you made him go.
His addiction is NOT your fault. We A's will use anything to justify our using....good day, bad day, sun shining, whatever. The reason he uses is because he chooses not to seek recovery...plain and simple.
You're not fat...he's just trying to say something to hurt you because he's not getting his way....like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
Take care of you, and let him fall...it's the best thing for both of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry, sweetie, but I'm glad you made him go.
His addiction is NOT your fault. We A's will use anything to justify our using....good day, bad day, sun shining, whatever. The reason he uses is because he chooses not to seek recovery...plain and simple.
You're not fat...he's just trying to say something to hurt you because he's not getting his way....like a child throwing a temper tantrum.
Take care of you, and let him fall...it's the best thing for both of you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
:ghug3
No one deserves to live with that kind of treatment. Regardless of what you think of yourself and what he has told you, you are a beautiful child of god.
Take care of yourself and before the day is through try and doing something that makes you feel good. I.e. have a long bath, read a book, watch a DVD
Some needs to treat you well, and that person is you.
:ghug3
No one deserves to live with that kind of treatment. Regardless of what you think of yourself and what he has told you, you are a beautiful child of god.
Take care of yourself and before the day is through try and doing something that makes you feel good. I.e. have a long bath, read a book, watch a DVD
Some needs to treat you well, and that person is you.
:ghug3
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
littlebird,
Honey you deserve WAY more than this...way more.
He told you all those lies because it's what addicts do, they have to fling it back on you. NONE of his addiction is your fault, you are a beautiful person, and perhaps you need to sit down and really think why you keep subjecting yourself to his abuse.
Because you deserve SO much more.
YOU really do, ya know...
Honey you deserve WAY more than this...way more.
He told you all those lies because it's what addicts do, they have to fling it back on you. NONE of his addiction is your fault, you are a beautiful person, and perhaps you need to sit down and really think why you keep subjecting yourself to his abuse.
Because you deserve SO much more.
YOU really do, ya know...
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Littlebird,
I first apologize because I do not like to be mean, but he is a stupid thieving lying junkie!!
Hehe, I am a recovering alcoholic, not a codie so I have NO tolerance! He does not deserve you, and you will be SO much better off without him!
I first apologize because I do not like to be mean, but he is a stupid thieving lying junkie!!
Hehe, I am a recovering alcoholic, not a codie so I have NO tolerance! He does not deserve you, and you will be SO much better off without him!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sending you some hugs. I really hope that you do something nice for yourself tonight. He said what he said because he does not want to take responsibility for himself. You just can't depend on an addict. Their drug will always take precedence over you. Kicking him out put his addiction right where it needs to be, back on his shoulders. Now let it stay that way. Hugs, Marle
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Oh honey I am so sorry. I agree w/the others no one has the right to treat you that way. I hope you go to an alanon meeting or a counselor or someone f2f also so they can help you see/understand that this is a form of mental abuse and manipulation. It is not your fault, you have no power over him.
You have no power to get him clean or no power to make him use. The power we have is within ourselves, he is taking your power from you right now.
Please take it back and help yourself.
You are a good person and you deserve better for yourself.
:ghug
You have no power to get him clean or no power to make him use. The power we have is within ourselves, he is taking your power from you right now.
Please take it back and help yourself.
You are a good person and you deserve better for yourself.
:ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
Thank you my friends... In a way I do feel responsible. Every time he slips, I would kick him out, he was never able to find a job because there was really no place to stay... I feel stupid writing that, I know... He tells me I never supported him in his recovery, and I ask, what did I do wrong, and he just responds that I don't love him and I never did... Four years with him and he tells me that I cheated on him... I've been clean for almost five years and he tells me that I still get high, so why can't he.... It hurts so much guys... I really want to spend a night without crying... I'm home from work and the tears are just pouring down. I can't even see the keys on the keyboard, I just know where they are... All my jewelry is gone, and it wasn't even mine, it was my family's, gifts they gave to me. A part of them, they gave to me and its all gone... Please pray for me... I am so sad.... I really hate therapists... I go to the ones that don't say one word to me, but, "How does that make you feel?... "And that makes you feel like?... ok our time is up".... and then I've been to the therapists who want to give me every drug known to man... and then there the ones who tell me all their problems and even tell me about other peoples sessions.... what is wrong with me? I don't know what to do.... Please pray with me and for me. Thank you...
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by littlebird77 
Thank you my friends... In a way I do feel responsible. Every time he slips, I would kick him out, he was never able to find a job because there was really no place to stay... I feel stupid writing that, I know... He tells me I never supported him in his recovery, and I ask, what did I do wrong, and he just responds that I don't love him and I never did... Four years with him and he tells me that I cheated on him... I've been clean for almost five years and he tells me that I still get high, so why can't he.... It hurts so much guys... I really want to spend a night without crying... I'm home from work and the tears are just pouring down. I can't even see the keys on the keyboard, I just know where they are... All my jewelry is gone, and it wasn't even mine, it was my family's, gifts they gave to me. A part of them, they gave to me and its all gone... Please pray for me... I am so sad.... I really hate therapists... I go to the ones that don't say one word to me, but, "How does that make you feel?... "And that makes you feel like?... ok our time is up".... and then I've been to the therapists who want to give me every drug known to man... and then there the ones who tell me all their problems and even tell me about other peoples sessions.... what is wrong with me? I don't know what to do.... Please pray with me and for me. Thank you...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 34
Littlebird, they must say the same things because i'm accused of being bipolar, nuts, whacked, never supported him. He caused all his own doings himself. It wouldn't matter if we were Christy Brinkley. Nothing would be different. They are who they are. Nothing is you. Take care!
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