baxter

What a way to start the day. First stepped in a puddle of cat puke on my way to the bathroom. Ugh! Started the coffee, took a shower, and when I came out the filter had folded on the coffee maker and I had coffee all over the counter, inside the cupboard, down the front, all over the floor. Could have cried. Besides the mess to clean up I didn't have any coffee to get me started.

But, for the first time in awhile, I was up almost all night because I was so angry at everything. Last Septemeber my husband and I took the plaster off our living room and dining room walls. What a mess. We put up new insulation and since then I have lived with bare walls, I mean just the 2x4's and insulation. Now, a year later we have someone coming in to do new electric and put up new walls. Yeah!

I was excited and thought it will be so nice to have everything new for the holidays. Well, of course, there won't be any money left over for new carpet or new furniture. I still have the stained carpet and used furniture for the last 30 years. Some from my mother and some from the used furniture store.

All I could think of was all the money I worked hard for all my life and my daughter stole from me. My mom would like to help but my daughter also robbed her blind. I mean I could have a brand new house top to bottom from all that money. I'm just so angry that at 59 I still don't have anything to show for all the years of working. I'm tired.

I didn't want to tell anyone how much I had slipped but earlier this year my AD had to move into her own place. It was in pretty bad shape so I spent my days off wallpapering it for her, painting her kitchen, (I bought the stuff) new curtains and shades. All this thinking how much more she'd love me and quit (sick huh?) Also, in August we had planned a trip to an amusement park, the whole families. Of course it was her off pay week so I paid for it with the promise of her paying me back on payday, $200. Never saw that but that could have been a new couch. Oh, you can't believe the things I did this past year for her, slipped up really bad.

Anyways, needed some venting, now I'm off to run my 92 year old mom all over the place. Just got my coffee and feel a little better.

But I feel like crying and all I can think of is "why me." What did I ever do to deserve this. I'm a nice person and why do others get it so easy.

Wow, what a pity party this is.

NeedingHelp7

baxter,

It's time for you.


I hope you have a better day.

Heavenly huggs,
NH7

Impurrfect

(((Baxter)))

When I think of all the money I spent on dope, I could have bought a house...with cash. Now that I'm struggling like crazy to pay bills, it's hard not to beat up on myself.

What's done is done. In your case, you thought you were doing the right and loving thing..you didn't know any better. In my case, unfortunately, I was just pretty stupid.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't change what is done...all I can do is try not to let it happen again.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

((((((Baxter)))))

mooselips

Baxter,
Well hugs to you!


You're not the only one who slips, so heavens sake don't be feeling bad about that! I still do it on occassion (few and far between, but I'm easy...I think..)and I know better!

When I get into one of those slumps, I take a walk...a long walk, and have a conversation with my H.P.
He has all the answers, so I aim for the top!

Always makes ME feel better.

DO something good for YOU.

Hugs....

Momsrainbow

Every now we seem to need the "pity potty"-a reminder never ever to do it again. I have done nothing for AH in a yr. except tell him he has to do it on his own-he is in prison and just went through 6 months of intensive rehab. He will be home in Jan. and we will see.

I know the why me feeling-I was a nice person-I think I still am-just a change in my way of thinking and helping-ANYONE.

I know what you are saying about what we could have done with the $ our addicts blew (if we had only know then what we know now?) In 2001, I had my home 2 rent houses, a cabin cruiser on the lake, a new truck, a car and money in the bank. I have my house, that now the air is out, carpet needs to be replaced because of his dogs, two rooms the electric went out, one beautiful truck he destroyed, behind on all bills and have major hospital bills that are outstanding. He worked and I signed the income tax-he never paid what he owed and the IRS started taking the money out of my Social Security check. and I never saw a dime of what he made. I also have a gram who will be 105 next Tuesday I am trying to take care of, alone with hired help. I am 63 and AH is quite a bit younger.

No need to beat ourselves up, what is done is done and we just have to move on. A darn hard lesson in life!!!!!

rozied

Oh Baxter you are certainly not alone here. I have done the same thing & I am now 61. When I think of all the things I could have bought for my house & all the money I wasted on TWO grown men I could cry.
All we can do is stop the regrets & don't let it ever happen again. Like my wonderful hubby says " Whats done is done just don't do it anymore"

Look ahead there will be better days,
Love,
Diane

JMFburns

baxter,

Thanks for sharing - I felt like I was right there with ya. Unfortunately I am still struggling every day and feel like I am failing on more days than not. The desire to give my AS money - to buy him happiness, to buy him clean, to buy him food and roof over his head - to buy him sanity are sooo great I can't help myself. I thought I was at my bottom but unfortunately I keep going further - makes me feel ashamed to talk to you guys . . . so . . . I know right where you're coming from. You are not alone. Neither am I. We have each other and are doing the darn best we can and hopefully with our HP's help will wake up tomorrow to try again.

Thanks for sharing.

Jody Hepler

If I could have done better, I would have.

I did the best I could with what I had to work with.

Insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. But sometimes I just have to go back and try it again - and then I give myself a hug for being human and just go on.

My favorite: this too shall pass.

Be gentle on yourself - love more, laugh more, eat more chocolate - you deserve it!

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

baxter

Thanks everyone. I know I'm not alone and not as bad off as some but it was such a bad start today and I have been feeling sssssssoooooo stupid and used for falling back on old habits. Buy her into recovery. I need a swift kick.

Just back from running my mom all around. She's thinking she's going to get a car again. Yeah, right! Like I would ever let that happen. She said she'll have someone else take her to a car lot since she still has her license. Not going to happen.

Thanks everyone. The day is really getting better and it's beautiful here is western NY.

NoelleR

Bummer Baxter, I hate when the coffee maker does that; the last time mine did it it, it shorted out the clock--I just love a flashing '12:00' --- lol

I've always found that the best answer to the question, "Why me?" -----"Why Not me."


NoelleR

BBD

Oh Baxter, We all have those days. The "what if I had" days. But we can't change what we have done to support our Addicted love ones. We can only change ourselves now. It is beautiful in western NY today!! I'm near the Buffalo area~~where are you?? Hopefully life treats you well and you can get some of the things you want soon. Big hugs, Bonnie

baxter

Bonnie - I'm south of Buffalo, Chautauqua Co.

Thanks everyone.

sleepygoat

I know, I know. Every time I spend money on my AD, this little voice in the back of my head just snickers and calls me a fool. but then there are the times I have said no, have spent my own money on my own self, have not allowed the manipulation... Remind yourself of those times for yourself too, and the freedom they brought you (I just know you've had them). That's where you are going from now on; you won't allow yourself to get sucked in any more.

As far as that cat puke, try this stuff called Laxatone - mix it in that bad kitty's food 3 times a week and it really helps them to stop puking.

beegee

Hi Baxter,
You know I have done that with my coffee so many times I had gone out and bought (last year) a new pot with a permanent filter in it. Now I forget to put the little thing the water comes throught over the filter Lol Just can't win Lol. I guess we all have bad days we just don't think anyone else does.....((((HUGS))))

August78

Cat puke and disobedient coffee maker is enough to make most people cry. Trust me, I have four cats and they love to puke where I put my feet. Bleh. Don't beat yourself up about shoulda woulda couldas, live in the moment look to your future. And everyone needs a good pity party vent session once in a while. I hope your days gets better!
August78

marle

We spent $12,000 this summer to help with rehab. I didn't even buy new clothes for school and my husband finally bought two new pairs of blue jeans since the butt went out in his old ones. But we are both alive and healthy and I try to remember that "you can't take it with you anyway". Still it would be nice to have all the money back that I have spent on my daughter since birth. I would be living the life of Riley right now. Hugs to you because I have been there done that many times before. Hugs, Marle

bookmiser

(((((Baxter))))))

I've had my share of cat puke puddles and abnormal
coffee maker mishaps.

Just know your not alone. Hope your evening gets better and someone
makes you smile.
Big hugs,
Linda

outtolunch

I have spent more than $150,000 in the past ten months trying to help my daughter, detox, 3 rehabs and endless medical expenses. This was my choice. I own it and the consequences. This is what it cost me to realize that I had no control over her or her choices.

I am wearing three year old faded pants from Walmart that probably cost me $7, to put this into perspective.

BBD

Hope your having a better evening then you did morning....and if you re-read your post it could be a comedy show......cat puke~~coffee~~~~ sounds like things that happen to me. Big hugs sweety for a better tomorrow....