itsjustmeyousee

Hi all,

I know only I can make this decision but I am hoping for some advice. I sit hear with tears running down my face after trying but failing to go my first ever alanon meeting (got lost then couldn't find it) and wonder how much more can I take? My boyfriend of two years is an alcoholic. In the beginning he was so lovely, I worried about his alcohol consumption but thought that him having a normal relationship finally with a nice girl that he would feel better about himself and things would change. I know now how wrong I was and if anything having a nice girl he can manipulate has made him worse, or maybe just as he said I came into his life at the wrong time, at the beginning of his downfall. So here we are two years later ,numerous hospital stays for acute pancreatitis, two recent rehabs under our belt having lived together for almost a year to now living together renting a unit we can't afford as he was supposed to get a job to help pay but has ended up me supporting him as he doesn't work and having clocked up large amounts of debt I am now drowning in. When he drinks so much he is really horrible these days, he spits all over the floor, he gets really depressed and angry and punches walls/doors. When I say so much I mean he can down a bottle of vodka as if it were water. He also gets quite aggressive, he would never lay a hand on my but threatens self harm if I don't give in and give him money to get more alcohol. This is only when he is drunk though. I have thought in these times I should just call his bluff but the fear usually wins out and I give in. I also think I should just call the ambulance or something but I fear that they will involve the police and he is already in trouble awaiting a hearing from one of his drunken antics and I fear of the police get involved it will harm the case plus he would never forgive me. As I read what I have written here I think no sane person would stay but I love him and I am afraid of what may happen if I tell him to leave. I am at breaking point though, I am now physically ill from the stress of it all. We just tried the moderation thing, I would bring him home something when I got home from work. That worked for a week. He is back to his lying ways. I came home to find him passed out in bed last night from the alcohol he bought with the money he was buying us dinner with. Then this morning he said that was it he was not going to drink that day and was over it. He asked for some money to go get some breakfast, juice etc and not to worry as the bottleshop wasn't even open yet. This was the only reason I gave him any once again though he lied to me. I soon after realised he also took my card from my wallet. Who knew that bottleshops were open at 8:30am??? I totally lost it when he came back even smashing something I was so upset, I have never done this in my life. He accused me of spying on him, which i have done in the past but not this time, I had actually trusted him. Ends up he bought a 2litre bottle of same nasty wine. So where to from here. I have no doubt that I suffer greatly from low self esteem and codependance which is no doubt having an impact in my relationship and my ability to set boundaries. I am terribly afraid of what may happen if I kick him out and he knows it, he throws it in my face when he is really hammered, saying "leave me then but you won't will you, you can't". I have a real fear of being on my own/lonely. I fear what may happen to him, where will he go, probably to his mates to get hammered, or he may hurt himself, he used to self harm and has attempted suicide these are major fears for me, then there is the fear he will just run off with someone else - and I know that sounds stupid, who would want to hold onto someone who treats them this way but I am just being honest here it is a very real fear that steers my decisions, he has done it before but "we were on a break" (anyone watch friends?) Again he knows of all this and so thinks he can get a way with whatever he wants. On other hand it sometimes seems as if he is testing me in a way. H was such a self loathing and was left quite badly by his last two girlfriends it is like he is trying to prove that the same thing is going to happen again or that he is worthless and my leaving him will just prove it. It is not the same situation at all but my mother was bipolar and what she so desperately wanted was for her boyfriend to be there for her but he was just as messed up as her and was unable to do this, she decided that life was no longer worth living and took a bunch of her pills and called her boyfriend to tell him she had done it, he acted on it too late so she passed away tat night all alone I'm sure waiting for him to come rescue her. Like I said that is not the same situation as what I am going through but it does impact me in that I am trying so hard to be that supportive partner she never had but am I only making it worse? I am at a total loss at what to do now. I know that I love him but I can't take much more of this. So what do I do, tell him to leave until he sorts himself out, allow him to stay and just detach? I don't even know if I could tell him to leave I've tried to talk myself into it a number of times but I never follow through for the reasons I have stated above.

Sorry for all my rambling, I hope it makes some sort of sense. I just feel as if my world is crumbling around me at the moment and it is very hard to see a way out. He stays and keeps drinking I'm unhappy, he leaves I'm alone and worried about him and unhappy. The only happy way out is for him to stop drinking and start dealing with his issues instead of drowning them, but I know I can't make him do that so I guess that leaves me in not such a happy place totally lost.

Bek

NYC_Chick

I can't tell you what to do, but I left my ex when I couldn't take it anymore. Only you will know when you get there. It took me 7 months from the time I found out he was an alcoholic.

I cried a lot and I am still sad and miss him, but I don't miss all the lying and manipulation he brought into my life. I didn't think I deserved better. I know now and I would rather be alone live that kind of life again. I was more lonely with him because he never met my needs anyway, so this is better in many ways. At least now I'm taking care of myself, where before I cast my own life aside for him

Keep posting! It helps!!!

anubus

Please try again to find that Alon On meeting. They REALLY help. Once you find it, get a sponser, somebody you can talk to to help you deal with his problem. Doing so will not only help you save YOURSELF, it MAY also help HIM to recover.

prodigal

I just posted a new thread requesting that folks try to shorten the length of their paragraphs. You have a lot of important things you wish to address. You need to vent. You want to explain your situation.

However ... it is very difficult to read such a long paragraph because my eyes keep jumping from line to line.

I would love to respond to what you have to say, but reading it is difficult. I understand you are in a very emotional situation and need to vent. We want to support and help you in any way we can.

Okay, I admit it. I'm older than dirt. It's hard for me to read really long paragraphs. If possible, could you break down your post into smaller paragraphs?

You're not in a good place in your life right now. I have been there. I'd be happy to offer my own experience, strength, and hope. Sorry I was unable to read your entire post!

itsjustmeyousee

Sorry for the huge blurb I wrote originally, I should have made smaller paragraphs I was in a bit of a state at the time of writing it. I've tried to edit it but the EDIT button seems to be missing,

Well things haven't gotten any better since I got home. He was really lovely at first hugging me and telling me he loved me and that yes he does need help. Said he does need to go back to rehab as he was doing really well while he was there. I told him that is great, he does need help.

So I tried to get him to call up a detox place and get his name on the list. At first he was ok and did start to call but I told him he needed to charge the phone so it didn't cut out while he was on the phone, such a small thing but then when I gave him the phone back and called and handed him the phone softly punched me in the stomach and thought it was quite funny. I lost it at him saying what did he think he was doing, he responded by pushing me out of his way and getting quite aggressive.

I then told him to get out, I didn't want him here anymore to which he responded fine that he had places to go, that he was going to go and F@#% another girl, he said it quite a number of times to make sure I got the message. I couldn't believe my ears he has been mean to me before but never to that level, I just stood there stunned. I don't know if he meant it or if he was just trying to hurt me, either way it gutted me. I asked him what the hell was wrong with him, what was he doing.

He was frantically looking for the car keys all this time, but I am not going to let him drink drive no matter what (I had already hidden the keys in case he decided to go try and get more booze). He got really angry that I wouldn't give him the keys and said "well I guess I'm not going anywhere then you should go but that's right you don't have anywhere to go you have no friends" again I can't believe how horrible he was being. He is the one that has alienated all his friends not me, I'll admit for the last few months I have not been seeing my friends as much as I should because I have been taking care of him. I don't blame him for that though, it is totally my fault for that.

Oh and he had said earlier when I said that I can't take this anymore and that he will have to leave if he doesn't go get help he said "I'd just like to see you try make me leave".

He just came out of the bed and was acting like the stupid little kid thing he does when he is drunk and not being horrible, though it is not being nice either. He screams and yells like a petulant child to get his own way. He did half heartedly apologise for what he said but he is still drunk and didn't really mean it as he then said I was just being a big baby.

There is an alanon meeting on tonight a few suburbs away but I am so drained after today I'm not sure that i am up to it. I think it may be best if I go to one tomorrow night after work. Then again maybe I should go tonight, he keeps trying to snuggle up to me and being really childish and I just want him to leave me alone until he sobers up.

I didn't mean to waffle on in this post but it seems I have done it again

And yet here I still sit wondering what I should do. I do love him so much, not the drunken him of course, and I am afraid of losing him. I know he is still in there somewhere. He called my bluff when he said he'd go off with someone else, as that is what I fear.

I just wish my insurance waiting period was already up (1 month and 3 weeks to go) so we could get him into a program asap. I've even been thinking that maybe I need to check myself in somewhere, work on my abandonment issues and be a stronger person who can support him without enabling him.

Vine

Sorry you have had another bad day. I used to find Alanon a huge effort and would come up with all kinds of excuses for not going, but really I just didnt want to face what was happening.

I have only just separated from my XABF last month and am moving into my own place this weekend, Im feeling really scared about it and still sad that its finally over between us despite such drama and unhappy times.

My ex was very good at turning things around and said the problem was all my insecurity and that I was unstable etc etc, I am not sure how to regain my self esteem and move forwards.

Sorry I got off topic, I just wanted to say that I can relate to everything you have said and that I do recommend Alanon. I know for me things came to a head when I just couldnt take it any longer and I had abig fear of being alone (still do), but I decided it was better to be alone than to live a life of walking on egg shells.

Take Care.

NoelleR

Thx prodigal, and thx itsjustmeyousee for redoing ..... ahhhh, I can read it..

I am so sorry you're going through what you are.....active alcoholics/addicts can oft times be &^*%$#@!#$%^&......

I hate to ask this, but..........you wrote......:

"...I just wish my insurance waiting period was already up (1 month and 3 weeks to go) so we could get him into a program asap...."

I reread, and if I am correct, this is your BF not husband.....? What are you talking about here......if he wants to get sober, that's his job....! He can search for, and get himself into whatever program he can; that is NOT your job..... You, dear, can work on yourself..... (o: try to find another alanon mtg, and get to it; it may make all the difference in the world...

I don't mean to sound harsh here, but you really need to do for yourself, and let him do for himself, or he can leave.....and do.....whatever.


NoelleR

Barbara52

If your BF wants help, he can find it. For free. Nothing you can do or say is going to get him to take action. He is an adult responsible for himself, his choices and his behaviors.

You can decide to change yourself and decide what you find acceptable behavior from those around you including him. If his behavior is unacceptable (and it sounds like you think it is), you can decide what you are willing to do about it.

mallowcup

I too have difficulty reading paragraphs that long but in answer to your question,
don't ask him to leave unless you mean it. You have to work this out on your heqad until you feel that your conclusion is pretty much a conviction. When you think these things through, I think it's easier to stick to your decision.
If you conclude that you are creating an ultimatum in an effort to manipulate an end, don't ask him to leave.

Pajarito

He's been verbally abusive to you- and it's getting worse. . .

He's been physically abusive with you- which surprised you. . . and it's been proven that physical abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.

He screams and yells like a petulant child. . .

He's hot and cold- snuggling up to you one minute and screaming at you the next. . .

You've cut yourself off from your friends over the past few months to care for him. . .

Are you happy with him? His abusive ways will get worse, and if he's doing it when he's drunk he'll excuse it because he was drunk. It sounds like his bad behavior is escalating. Is this what you want for yourself? Is this what you dreamed you'd be doing with a partner back when you were a younger girl? Is it acceptable to you?

SugarLily

Bek

First of all welcome.

Reading your post is painful for me because it sounds so much like my first post here. (You can read my older posts through my profile.)

You know what I've posted before? Lets see...

1. In the beginning he was so lovely
2. he was supposed to get a job
3. punches walls/doors
4. large amounts of debt I am now drowning in
5. he would never lay a hand on me
6. I fear that they will involve the police
7. This is only when he is drunk though
8. but I love him
9. He is back to his lying ways
10. I am now physically ill from the stress of it all

I could copy plenty more but you get my drift. I used all these phrases, one of my favourites to my mates was "he's been good recently.."

I'm not the best at advice, I stayed with my ex for 5 1/2 years. I used to put cute posters of dogs over the holes in the doors. The punching holes in walls escalated to him smashing my front door, stealing my car and me having to call the police sobbing in my pyjamas telling them about it all.

I stayed because I did love him, I had deep feelings for him. Things deteriorated with his drinking. I got called all the names under the sun. That man who I loved so much was so verbally abusive to me. You mention how stunned it makes you feel. It hurts doesn't it?

I wanted to help save my ex, I wanted to make him all better. I couldn't. I left when I couldn't tolerate anymore. I lost all self respect for myself. I figured if someone can speak/treat me like this then there must be something wrong with me. I was (and still am in debt). And you know? I was tired of crying.

Tell me - do you feel you don't deserve any better?

On the other side, is he acknowledging his drinking problem? Does he want to make a change? Only he can.

I wish you well, I also wish you'll be happier as I am today .

denny57

Welcome to SR!

There are other options - there always are. I didn't know that at the beginning of my recovery journey. Al-Anon, therapy, physician, SR and education on the disease taught me I had a lot of choices. My life did not depend on someone else's choice to drink or not.

Keep posting!