husband is cocaine addict.. I was clueless! lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Toronto Ontario
Posts: 13
husband is cocaine addict.. I was clueless! lost
On August 28th I checked a bank account online that we no longer use, but it had a credit line attached to it. The $5000 credit limit was at minus $4300.
long story short... I called hubby right away and questioned the loss of money. he addmitted his cocaine addiction to me. said he's been addicted for 2 years!
I had NO idea. He did blow his nose alot but he told me it was allergies.
I feel so betrayed!
Luckily he agreed to rehab and entered into a 6 week rehab program on Sept 1st.
I just don't know how a spouse is suppose to deal with this? Everyone is completely shocked especially ME!
Am I allowed to be angry with him? Do I have to be 100% supportive and not show my anger? His counsellor says'' he had no choice but to take money out of the account, his addiction made him do it".. Like I have to just accept that?? Well, it pisses me right off.
I visited him on Saturday. We got along well and I was happy to see him but today I find myself angry!
At rehab, he can only be on the phone for 10 minutes at a time. Over the past 2 weeks are phone calls have been fine..no real arguments.
tonight he asked "how long have we been on the phone?' I said "too long' and hung up!
He says the other guys in rehab with him have all been there at least once before. Statistically speaking odds suck!
I didn't understand where money was going so at least now I have a clue but i'm terrified of him relapsing.
Do I just go back to being a 'loving wife". On saturday he wanted to hug me, hold me, kiss me and I just wasnt feeling it. too many bad feelings at this point.
He phoned last week and told me to throw all of his beer out because he realized theres a problem with alcohol also.
I know about Alanon and know I should attend the meetings.
Should I get a personal counsellor?
I feel like I need a psyciatrist at this point!
I'm 33, he's 32..I don't want to deal with this stuff for the rest of our married life. How do married couples get over this?
I feel like everything I hear and read is frustrating me. I feel like I have to just forgive and accept his disease/behaviour. Its so damn hard!
I don't even know what i'm asking.. but after hanging up the phone I just feel so frustrated tonight.
I have a feeling I'll be doing alot of reading on this forum this year
long story short... I called hubby right away and questioned the loss of money. he addmitted his cocaine addiction to me. said he's been addicted for 2 years!
I had NO idea. He did blow his nose alot but he told me it was allergies.
I feel so betrayed!
Luckily he agreed to rehab and entered into a 6 week rehab program on Sept 1st.
I just don't know how a spouse is suppose to deal with this? Everyone is completely shocked especially ME!
Am I allowed to be angry with him? Do I have to be 100% supportive and not show my anger? His counsellor says'' he had no choice but to take money out of the account, his addiction made him do it".. Like I have to just accept that?? Well, it pisses me right off.
I visited him on Saturday. We got along well and I was happy to see him but today I find myself angry!
At rehab, he can only be on the phone for 10 minutes at a time. Over the past 2 weeks are phone calls have been fine..no real arguments.
tonight he asked "how long have we been on the phone?' I said "too long' and hung up!
He says the other guys in rehab with him have all been there at least once before. Statistically speaking odds suck!
I didn't understand where money was going so at least now I have a clue but i'm terrified of him relapsing.
Do I just go back to being a 'loving wife". On saturday he wanted to hug me, hold me, kiss me and I just wasnt feeling it. too many bad feelings at this point.
He phoned last week and told me to throw all of his beer out because he realized theres a problem with alcohol also.
I know about Alanon and know I should attend the meetings.
Should I get a personal counsellor?
I feel like I need a psyciatrist at this point!
I'm 33, he's 32..I don't want to deal with this stuff for the rest of our married life. How do married couples get over this?
I feel like everything I hear and read is frustrating me. I feel like I have to just forgive and accept his disease/behaviour. Its so damn hard!
I don't even know what i'm asking.. but after hanging up the phone I just feel so frustrated tonight.
I have a feeling I'll be doing alot of reading on this forum this year
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Prince Frederick, MD
Posts: 72
Dear whyme- Welcome! I'm new here too. I find a lot of posts here very useful and I think you will too. I think it's great that you are so "in touch" with your anger and other feelings instead of blaming yourself or feeling sorry for your addicted spouse.
I think they will help him in rehab to begin to understand the effect on you. I would be thoroughly PO'd about the money also. In these tough times that is the last thing any of us needs to be spending money on!
One time my alcoholic ex-husband took my bank card out of my purse and drove to the ATM before I woke up and took out $300 and then carefully replaced the card. I saw the transaction on the bank statement and asked if he had done this and he swore up and down that it was not him! Obviously I was a theft victim so I raced up to the bank and filed all kinds of reports etc. It was not until they showed me the security tape of him taking the money out that I believed he did it!
Another thing he used to do is "cash in" his vacation and sick time so he could pay for my medical care for some horrible disease he invented- he kept the money under the seat cover of his vehicle to buy alcohol and drugs.
I do give him an "A" for creativity though!
Do you have any children and what is the reaction of the rest of the family??
I think they will help him in rehab to begin to understand the effect on you. I would be thoroughly PO'd about the money also. In these tough times that is the last thing any of us needs to be spending money on!
One time my alcoholic ex-husband took my bank card out of my purse and drove to the ATM before I woke up and took out $300 and then carefully replaced the card. I saw the transaction on the bank statement and asked if he had done this and he swore up and down that it was not him! Obviously I was a theft victim so I raced up to the bank and filed all kinds of reports etc. It was not until they showed me the security tape of him taking the money out that I believed he did it!
Another thing he used to do is "cash in" his vacation and sick time so he could pay for my medical care for some horrible disease he invented- he kept the money under the seat cover of his vehicle to buy alcohol and drugs.
I do give him an "A" for creativity though!
Do you have any children and what is the reaction of the rest of the family??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Welcome, and sorry you're here, but you have found a great place.
Your anger is certainly understandable. I would recommend reading around, definitely checking into support groups (i.e. alanon and/or naranon), and if you want it - therapy for yourself, and books.
It is a disease. But, that being said - your husband still is responsible for his behaviors and choices. When I first joined, I can't remember if someone wrote it to me, or if I read it while I was reading around - But, the example given (or read) was about it's like having PMS. Yes, you can have rage, or be upset, etc., but your behaviors during PMS - shouting, short-tempered, urge to mow down to the person taking too long at the crosswalk, etc. are still your responsibility. You are accountable, and so is your husband. He is still accountable for his choices to lie to you, steal money, etc. But, to expect him to take responsibility for his actions... Reading around, support groups, etc. can help YOU understand what to expect. The rehab center will probably have some stuff they will offer family and friends - not sure how that works tho, having never been thru that myself.
Take a look at the post-its on top of this forum, and just keep on reading.
Your anger is certainly understandable. I would recommend reading around, definitely checking into support groups (i.e. alanon and/or naranon), and if you want it - therapy for yourself, and books.
It is a disease. But, that being said - your husband still is responsible for his behaviors and choices. When I first joined, I can't remember if someone wrote it to me, or if I read it while I was reading around - But, the example given (or read) was about it's like having PMS. Yes, you can have rage, or be upset, etc., but your behaviors during PMS - shouting, short-tempered, urge to mow down to the person taking too long at the crosswalk, etc. are still your responsibility. You are accountable, and so is your husband. He is still accountable for his choices to lie to you, steal money, etc. But, to expect him to take responsibility for his actions... Reading around, support groups, etc. can help YOU understand what to expect. The rehab center will probably have some stuff they will offer family and friends - not sure how that works tho, having never been thru that myself.
Take a look at the post-its on top of this forum, and just keep on reading.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I'm sorry for your situation but I am glad that you have found this forum. My husband is a recovering addict and I do understand ALL of your feelings. The addiction might have made him do things but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
No matter how you look at this - this is a journey for you. All of a sudden everything is different than what you expected and/or thought. The good news is that you are not alone. This situation is prevelant in our society and many are walking and have walked this path.
It is a very very long road and I've found that focusing on me, what I want and need, has been the best thing for me to do. For me, having Alanon and Naranon have been imperative to deal with all of this. Recovery programs have taught me about boundaries, keeping my side of the street clean, keeping my hands "off" the addict, and finding serenity. I also suggest reading the stickys at the top of the forum, reading Melody Beatties books (Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency), and staying connected here.
You don't have to do anything or feel anything that isn't right for you. I've found that my anger is best processed with other people in recovery (not the addict) and counselors. If I have a resentment or anger there is always a role that I have played in the situation. Usually, it's that I have not been taking good care of myself or deluding myself. Recovery has helped me so much in all of this.
I think it's pretty normal to not want to kiss and hug. Respect your feelings and honor them....when I don't then my resentments build. I've found that expressing them in a non-angry manner though is important.
Most of all, I am glad that you have found this place. I tend to over research EVERYTHING and of all the places on the internet I have found this one to be incredibly full of wisdom and full of a lot of good recovery.
Remember, his addiction does not have ANYTHING to do with you. NOTHING. I am fairly astute and my husband had me completely fooled. Don't let people that don't understand addiction make you second guess yourself (how did you not notice, etc). Addicts are the most crafty, cunning, and beguiling people that you will ever ever meet -I would never have suspected anything.
Take care of yourself - get connected to some face to face meetings. Try more than one and keep coming back. If you hear someone in a meeting that "has what you want" go up and introduce yourself and ask them questions. The main person of the recovery programs is to carry the message....it is an honor when anyone asks you for help so please don't be afraid to do that. Look already at how many people are reaching out to you.
Hugs -
No matter how you look at this - this is a journey for you. All of a sudden everything is different than what you expected and/or thought. The good news is that you are not alone. This situation is prevelant in our society and many are walking and have walked this path.
It is a very very long road and I've found that focusing on me, what I want and need, has been the best thing for me to do. For me, having Alanon and Naranon have been imperative to deal with all of this. Recovery programs have taught me about boundaries, keeping my side of the street clean, keeping my hands "off" the addict, and finding serenity. I also suggest reading the stickys at the top of the forum, reading Melody Beatties books (Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency), and staying connected here.
You don't have to do anything or feel anything that isn't right for you. I've found that my anger is best processed with other people in recovery (not the addict) and counselors. If I have a resentment or anger there is always a role that I have played in the situation. Usually, it's that I have not been taking good care of myself or deluding myself. Recovery has helped me so much in all of this.
I think it's pretty normal to not want to kiss and hug. Respect your feelings and honor them....when I don't then my resentments build. I've found that expressing them in a non-angry manner though is important.
Most of all, I am glad that you have found this place. I tend to over research EVERYTHING and of all the places on the internet I have found this one to be incredibly full of wisdom and full of a lot of good recovery.
Remember, his addiction does not have ANYTHING to do with you. NOTHING. I am fairly astute and my husband had me completely fooled. Don't let people that don't understand addiction make you second guess yourself (how did you not notice, etc). Addicts are the most crafty, cunning, and beguiling people that you will ever ever meet -I would never have suspected anything.
Take care of yourself - get connected to some face to face meetings. Try more than one and keep coming back. If you hear someone in a meeting that "has what you want" go up and introduce yourself and ask them questions. The main person of the recovery programs is to carry the message....it is an honor when anyone asks you for help so please don't be afraid to do that. Look already at how many people are reaching out to you.
Hugs -
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. Addiction is a family disease and because it is those that love the addict suffer too. But it is not hopeless. The addict can get help for the addiction and we can get help for our being addicted to the addict. Meetings help as does coming here and reading and posting. Taking care of yourself is so important. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome. Glad you found us and sorry that you needed to find us. There are many of us who can relate. Myself included. Please go easy on youself. The rollercoaster ride and the multitude of feelings and emotions is perfectly normal. Everything everyone has said so far makes 100% sense. My guidance would be to go slow. Take it one step at a time...but keep moving forward. I find life easier to deal with and more enjoyable when I try to stay in the moment rather than to think about all that could happen.
Meetings are a great idea. The overwhelming support is amazing. Just to know that you are not alone and that you can and WILL live and find peace. Your husband is where he needs to be and is taking care of himself.... so focus on you.
Keep coming back. This site is "we" based and "we" are here to take care of ourselves and to support each other.
Meetings are a great idea. The overwhelming support is amazing. Just to know that you are not alone and that you can and WILL live and find peace. Your husband is where he needs to be and is taking care of himself.... so focus on you.
Keep coming back. This site is "we" based and "we" are here to take care of ourselves and to support each other.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
I have been there - but my RAH lost alot more money and it makes me sick even to this day to think about it.
He used for about 2 years, the lst. year I had NO idea, then he finally admitted it, went to an out rehab for awhile, that didn't work. Finally one day he just quit, don't know how or why.
It has been about 2 years that he hasn't used and honestly there are days that I still feel so much resentment towards him. Even to this day I do not trust him when it comes to money, back then I pretty much took everything and put it in my name only, except for a CD that I thought he would never touch, I was wrong!
It does get easier as time goes on, but I just have those moments when I get mad that all that has happen, plus I get mad at myself because I put up with it for so long, because I beleived all that he told me!
Take care of yourself -
He used for about 2 years, the lst. year I had NO idea, then he finally admitted it, went to an out rehab for awhile, that didn't work. Finally one day he just quit, don't know how or why.
It has been about 2 years that he hasn't used and honestly there are days that I still feel so much resentment towards him. Even to this day I do not trust him when it comes to money, back then I pretty much took everything and put it in my name only, except for a CD that I thought he would never touch, I was wrong!
It does get easier as time goes on, but I just have those moments when I get mad that all that has happen, plus I get mad at myself because I put up with it for so long, because I beleived all that he told me!
Take care of yourself -
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: latrobe, pa
Posts: 4
whyme
Me too! I found out about a month ago that my wife was using cocaine. Had no idea. I understand your anger and resentment. I have had the best success in only living in the minute for now. It is impossible to trust and frustrating to think that I now need to get help for myself to deal with something I did not cause and can not control. When I am angry, frustrated and sad I keep busy. My family and peers think I am on some new fitness program now. If they only knew.
Hang in there!
Me too! I found out about a month ago that my wife was using cocaine. Had no idea. I understand your anger and resentment. I have had the best success in only living in the minute for now. It is impossible to trust and frustrating to think that I now need to get help for myself to deal with something I did not cause and can not control. When I am angry, frustrated and sad I keep busy. My family and peers think I am on some new fitness program now. If they only knew.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
You have every right to feel angry.
I'm a recovering addict (RA), and I angered and hurt a lot of people, mostly my family. Although I cannot undo what I did, I have worked, very hard, at being responsible and dependable. I understand what I put them through, and even though I have 18 months clean, I realize there are still certain "triggers" that set them off..like not answering the phone. Now, I just make sure I call them back as soon as I can (usually I'm at work and busy).
I can also totally understand your fear of a relapse on his part and not wanting to deal with this the rest of your life. Unfortunately, we A's (addicts) are never "cured". We must work some kind of recovery for the rest of our life. A few people "get it" and get recovery right the first time. Most of us, though, have to make a few attempts, and some never "get it".
Meetings would help you a lot, as will this site. The main thing is to focus on you..what do you want from life, what are you willing to tolerate.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You have every right to feel angry.
I'm a recovering addict (RA), and I angered and hurt a lot of people, mostly my family. Although I cannot undo what I did, I have worked, very hard, at being responsible and dependable. I understand what I put them through, and even though I have 18 months clean, I realize there are still certain "triggers" that set them off..like not answering the phone. Now, I just make sure I call them back as soon as I can (usually I'm at work and busy).
I can also totally understand your fear of a relapse on his part and not wanting to deal with this the rest of your life. Unfortunately, we A's (addicts) are never "cured". We must work some kind of recovery for the rest of our life. A few people "get it" and get recovery right the first time. Most of us, though, have to make a few attempts, and some never "get it".
Meetings would help you a lot, as will this site. The main thing is to focus on you..what do you want from life, what are you willing to tolerate.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
My As was using cocaine over a year I had no idea. Same story he had allergies, the missing money I thought I had misplaced it or I was crazy. Once we found out everything fit together like a puzzle. keep coming back to this site many wonderful supportive people here. Alcohol only increases the urge for cocaine use. Quite often the addict will supplement one addiction for another. Of course you have a right to be upset, your world has been turned upside down. It becomes a family disease and is a long road to recovery. Naranon is also a wonderful support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Toronto Ontario
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Snickers008 
Do you have any children and what is the reaction of the rest of the family??
Yes we do have kids. A 5 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. They have no clue about the drug use ( either did I). They think daddy is at 'Camp" getting help for his "sleeping issues".
(He was impossible to wake up in the mornings)
They need to know the truth about their dad one day but at what age is appropriate for this conversation?
I feel terrible saying this but I figure theres no reason to hold back..may as well be honest. I feel shocked as I stated.
When I think of "addicts" in general I think lower income, messed up teenagers- young adults.. who had a terrible childhood. people living in crappy apartment buildings, skinny - rough appearance, unkept, government assistance. A total stereotypical point of view. I've never been around this lifestyle, I've seen the show Intervention and seen drug use on t.v./movies...thats it! obviously I'm totally naive to 'the addiction world'
I think one reason "i'm shocked' and still in disbelief is because we don't fit the 'stereotype'. We have a nice house, nice vehicles, husband makes well over 6 figures, kids are in every activity/sport etc.
I just didn't see this in my life. Never thought it would happen to us. I figured if anything happened to our marriage it would maybe be an affair or something but not drug addiction. (but in a way I feel like it was an affair and cocaine was his girlfriend)
( I'm sure this sounds terrible but I have to be honest with myself and others ) thats the only way to get through this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
"When I think of "addicts" in general I think lower income, messed up teenagers- young adults.. who had a terrible childhood. people living in crappy apartment buildings, skinny - rough appearance, unkept, government assistance. A total stereotypical point of view. I've never been around this lifestyle, I've seen the show Intervention and seen drug use on t.v./movies...thats it! obviously I'm totally naive to 'the addiction world'"
I think this is why my XABF went so far as to trash his druggie friends behind their backs. I wasn't aware they were his "friends". The way he talked about them. they were all crack head losers and he hated them. It wasn't until he left that i found out they were closer to him than i could ever imagine. Like in the same room with him doing crack and whatever else they did. He just wanted to make me think he was above that and it worked!
I can't say anything except keep reading here and expect to be frustrated. there will be days when you want to kill him and then there will be days when you want to hold him and protect him. Neither of these are a good choice. Your A is seeking recovery and that's alot more than mine did. Mine decided that moving in with another A was the best move. It too me a long long time to stop blaming myself. I still get down about it but this site helps.
I hope you stick around. Sorry you are here. I wish you and your family the best and hope that treatment helps.
I think this is why my XABF went so far as to trash his druggie friends behind their backs. I wasn't aware they were his "friends". The way he talked about them. they were all crack head losers and he hated them. It wasn't until he left that i found out they were closer to him than i could ever imagine. Like in the same room with him doing crack and whatever else they did. He just wanted to make me think he was above that and it worked!
I can't say anything except keep reading here and expect to be frustrated. there will be days when you want to kill him and then there will be days when you want to hold him and protect him. Neither of these are a good choice. Your A is seeking recovery and that's alot more than mine did. Mine decided that moving in with another A was the best move. It too me a long long time to stop blaming myself. I still get down about it but this site helps.
I hope you stick around. Sorry you are here. I wish you and your family the best and hope that treatment helps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Toronto Ontario
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by loner1968
"When I think of "addicts" in general I think lower income, messed up teenagers- young adults.. who had a terrible childhood. people living in crappy apartment buildings, skinny - rough appearance, unkept, government assistance. A total stereotypical point of view. I've never been around this lifestyle, I've seen the show Intervention and seen drug use on t.v./movies...thats it! obviously I'm totally naive to 'the addiction world'"
I think this is why my XABF went so far as to trash his druggie friends behind their backs. I wasn't aware they were his "friends". The way he talked about them. they were all crack head losers and he hated them. It wasn't until he left that i found out they were closer to him than i could ever imagine. Like in the same room with him doing crack and whatever else they did. He just wanted to make me think he was above that and it worked!
It too me a long long time to stop blaming myself..
I think this is why my XABF went so far as to trash his druggie friends behind their backs. I wasn't aware they were his "friends". The way he talked about them. they were all crack head losers and he hated them. It wasn't until he left that i found out they were closer to him than i could ever imagine. Like in the same room with him doing crack and whatever else they did. He just wanted to make me think he was above that and it worked!
It too me a long long time to stop blaming myself..
He lost 70lbs in a year. Did I question it? nope...just glad he did because overall he's a big guy. He still looked healthy, was still nice and pleasant to be around. Overall...honestly he's a great guy except for this unfortuneate problem.
And I shake my head at this..
about a week before I found out he was into cocaine. he came inside one night after talking with a neighbour. He said the neighbours friends wife is a cocaine addict. She was found in some crack house naked.. having sex with guys for drugs. Shes a mother of 2 teenagers. I was going on and on about those poor kids and how can a 'mom' get into this mess.. I was upset about this. This woman was 'normal' last year and now a total mess.
Meanwhile my husband was probably on cocaine while he was telling me this.
Uugghhh!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Whyme)))
Don't be so hard on yourself. Unless you've been exposed to addicts, you don't really know what to look for.
I totally understand about the stereotype of the addict. Unfortunately, nowadays an addict can "look" perfectly normal. No one who knows me today, can believe I was so heavily addicted to crack. I had a very normal and loving childhood, was an RN, and I still became an addict.
Give yourself a break. When we know better, we do better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Don't be so hard on yourself. Unless you've been exposed to addicts, you don't really know what to look for.
I totally understand about the stereotype of the addict. Unfortunately, nowadays an addict can "look" perfectly normal. No one who knows me today, can believe I was so heavily addicted to crack. I had a very normal and loving childhood, was an RN, and I still became an addict.
Give yourself a break. When we know better, we do better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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