Troubledone

I should probably know the answer to this myself, but I'm feeling some of the old codependent feelings again, so I could use some help.

My niece was sentenced to the workhouse for 7 months, then treatment, then a 1/2 way house. (she viloated probation on 2 big drug charges)

The last time we talked she was screaming obscenities at me. She wanted me to do something that I refused to do because it sounded like some of her normal schemes and she wouldn't explain why I needed to do it. I'm not sure if she was still psychotic at the time, it seemed so, but I don't know.

I was in court for her hearing and she wouldn't look at me. She focused mainly on the drug-dealer boyfriend who she thinks is her savior. She did wave a little when she left the courtroom.

The question. She's being transferred to the workhouse today. I thought about sending her a card (encouragement - God loves her, etc.) and a few pictures of her dog that I'm taking care of while she's incarcerated. (The dog is really important to her) I also thought about saying that I'm not sure where are relationship is and that if she wants me to visit, give me a call. (Short and sweet.)

Part of me wants to be there for her even if she hates me (I was instrumental in her being taken into custody). Another part of me feels like she needs to rely on the nitwit boyfriend for a while to see how that goes after she's in jail for a few months.

I wrote a card, but it just hasn't felt right to mail it.

Thoughts?


thanks...

marle

If you are sending the card and the pictures with no expectations other than you want to let her know that you care, then do it. I would send my daughter cards with heartfelt sayings. She told me that they did make her feel loved. I have heard it said that addicts need someone to believe in them and care about them. When they are ready to get clean it can make a difference. But they have to be ready and maybe your niece needs more time. And maybe you do too. Hugs, Marle

Done_With_It

Just my thoughts,

But what came to my mind was


We teach people how to treat us.

and if that were my aunt,

I would not want her to let me treat her like that.
Eventually I would have to learn somehow that it
was not acceptable to keep treating her like dirt,
no matter what problems I were having.

That is just me though.

Whatever you feel comfortable with.. ******...}}

baxter

I know the feeling. I do know that if I sent a card to my AD, at this time, she would as always think everything was a-okay and within a week be calling and asking me for something and when if I refused would first ask why I sent the card in the first place and then call me a few choice names. But, that's MY AD.

It's hard but I'd wait awhile and see what happens, let the boyfriend deal with awhile. You know you'll be there but let her see how she can handle things on her own. Guess that's easier for me to say since I'm not the one in your position.

Guess I'd hold onto the card until it felt right.

Done_With_It

Sorry that was kind of harsh. Was doing to many things at once, and hate to hear she is still yelling and hurting you.

Abundance

One thing I've learned since coming here ... when in doubt ... wait.

Did it make you feel better writing it?

My son told my mom something that was really wise......
With kids... you can help them without them asking for it and they will always be grateful. But with adults... unless they ask for it - they are not grateful. So it's best to not just give unless they ask. And since they are adults - they should know when to ask.

Pretty profound for an 8 year old! But I think it's really true.

My sister was so mad at me for never going to my nephew's court hearings or visiting him in jail. About 6 months later.... when I apologized to my nephew ... he cut me off saying that he understood I was processing it as I needed to. That he understood I was really upset with him and the choices he made that got him where he was. Now...... had my nephew of asked for me - then I would have gone or had the guilt of not going. dunno.

Wait a few days before you mail it.......

Impurrfect

go with your gut. I think you are already doing that, since you said it hasn't felt right to mail it.

I also agree with Marle...make sure you have no expectations if you mail it.

Do whatever feels right for YOU!!

BTW...when I first got locked up, I was TOTALLY focused on my now XABF. It didn't take long to realize how much he was NOT there for me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rozied

Dear Troubledone, You said it all in your last line. If you don't feel comfortable with it, then wait until you do.