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I am not an animal!

Old 09-16-2008, 10:31 AM
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I am not an animal!

I have not been doing well lately I really need to vent. It seems that whenever I start feeling better I force myself to focus on something negative to put me back in the dumps. I realize that my current living situation is not very condusive to happiness or sobriety but I am finding increasingly impossible to change it. I have too much time on my hands and spend too much time in my head.

I really need to find employment. I’ve always been a good employee wherever I worked, and really prided myself on it. I am a very different person though now than I was a year ago. I feel now like a shell of my former self and I find it completely impossible to deal with people. The few job interviews I’ve had recently have all gone terribly, I feel fine before I go to them, but when I am in front of the interviewer anxiety goes through the roof, my mind goes blank, I stutter and speak in sentence fragments. I wasn’t always like this.

I had to go to jury duty yesterday, I was exited about it because I would finally be able to do something productive. But as I sat in the room with the other jurors I became stiff and unmoving with fear, I kept getting dizzy to the point where I thought I would black out and the whole time I was on the verge of tears. Thankfully I wasn’t chosen from the juror pool, I don’t know what would have happened if I had to stay there all day.

I don’t feel like I am part of the human race anymore. I find it difficult to believe that I will not drink today but I will try not to. Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 09-16-2008, 10:36 AM
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I was uncomfortable in my own skin before I started drinking and became uncomfortable in my own skin when I stopped drinking.

For me, not drinking does not cure my alcoholism which has root causes much deeper than alcohol itself.

I had to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs before I began to feel comfortable just being myself without a substance to use as a crutch.
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Old 09-16-2008, 10:53 AM
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I'm glad you're venting and getting it out Felicia. Not a part of the human race? Hmmm, so who's the person who reaches out on SR and supports her friends in recovery? Try not to be so hard on yourself, it takes great strength and courage to have a productive life in recovery, you're getting there one day at a time.

I haven't had to look for a job in sobriety, I've been at the same place for 13 years so I don't know what it's like to job hunt. But I remember sitting at this desk in 2005, less than a month sober, and feeling like I'd never be functional in a workplace again. I was barely able to punch a few keys on my keyboard and it took everything I had in me to check in a shipment. I also hated the crappy apartment I was living in, but looking back I'm really thankful I had a roof over my head and a place to visit with my children.

Recovery has felt like such a slow process to me, but when I think about how far I've come in a few years, I can't believe how good it's been and I'm glad I was fairly patient while I went through the necessary changes. After 6 months in that little apartment I was able to buy a small home, and now I'm looking for a much larger place for my GF and her family to move into with us. And while my attitude at work was pretty crummy for a long time, I kept plugging away and I've continued to get raises and promotions, I guess that's the benefit of hard work.

If I wasn't clean and sober I wouldn't have any of this. It's hard work, and there are days when it's so hard I think about saying &^%$ it all, but I don't have to think hard about what it used to be like, and I wouldn't trade a moment of my recovery for anything.

Thanks for continuing to inspire me felly
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Old 09-16-2008, 11:04 AM
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hey Felly , theres something i can relate to . Ive always even thu my yrs of drinkin managed to get employment , not always staying where i got a job but that was due to my drinkin and wanting time of for more , But since soberity Ive had some really great jobs and the last one prior to moving here to " pitsville" was my favorite of all times and i was let go do to politics and i wasnt bests friends with the mgr and he wanted more hours , so be it and life moves on . But I moved here shorty after that and been here now for almost 3 yrs . Jobs are something as rare as the stop lites here in town ( there are non of either ) unless you know someone and they mite need a lil help chances of getting on in a job are zip .. They so much as have said well we didnt know who you were so didnt call .. its like what difference does that make . Big citys dont know tom dick or harry but least they call interview and go from there . My point is Ive been with out a job since Feb of this yr and winters comming and the lites still are not going up . I detest just sitting around doing nuttin I have only one friend here other wise its just myself and my husband .let me tell yah it bites! But Ive stayed sober i do make a weekly meeting tho its small at least its better the nuttin at all . Interviews suck no doubt . gotta laught bout this one cuz last one i did have was for a small town no big name motel /gas staion .. the mgr ( could tell from her questions ) wasnt from around here . 1... what can you do for the company .. umm company i didnt know it was one i dont see shell or super 8 outside the door . 2.. how can you help the company .. umm see answer 1 .. 3 what do you know of the company .. needless to say i was shocked cuz its a sticking small town gas station with a 8-12 room hotel for hunters , needless to say i didnt get the job . but thats the mentality of these people around here I wanna work but cant so i just work at doing what i can around the house to provide the best for my self and my husband . Id work shovling streets if it were to open , not something im desiring to do but sometimes one has to step off the ladder and do whats asked . not saying thats your case im speakin of myself . its gonna be a long winter .. but wer hoping to move from pitsville so there can be better oppertunitys for a job even just part time im not in need of the money just the self worth is all I desire . I dont know if this may or may not help you but at least make you laught bout no stop lites .. chin up Felly this to will pass .. peace and serenity to you today keep posting !
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Old 09-16-2008, 11:09 AM
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Just keep letting it out.

I really dont have any advice Fel...But I am thinking of you.

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Old 09-16-2008, 11:25 AM
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I have found that when I am really anxious I stop breathing. When you stop breathing all kinds of strange physical things start to happen. If you want, try this experiment: When you are feeling really anxious (hopefully at home or in your car at the time) SING really loudly. I sing old Slavonic church songs personally. You will feel and sound ridiculous but see if you don't feel better immediately afterwards. I think its the breath control and the switch of focus from the anxiety.

I did this alot when I was having anxiety while driving. When I'm really freaking out I lose the feeling in my arms, hands and legs. Not too great while driving! Still today, like if I have to pass directly between two large trucks that going 80 mph I will belt out a rousing version of something or other.

In the very least, I think this might help you to understand that you are not crazy and that these feelings really can be made to go away.
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Old 09-16-2008, 11:40 AM
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Felly - I'm thinking of you and how I wish your anxiety wasn't this bad.

I like Snickers idea of belting out a loud piece of a song you like. I think I will try that one too.
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Old 09-16-2008, 12:16 PM
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Snickers is right about the breathing, Felly.

I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks since childhood. It took me ages to realize that when I was feeling really anxious, I was barely breathing. So, when my mind went blank, I continued to deprive it of oxygen which I think made it worse. Take a few really deep belly breaths. It helps to begin to relax you.

Hang in there, Felly.
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Old 09-16-2008, 01:24 PM
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I am horrible at job interviews too. That's why I stick with the gov't. It had an interview, but it isn't a big part of getting a gov't job. It mostly is on your tests. Maybe get something like that, where an interview isn't important?
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Old 09-16-2008, 01:38 PM
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Yawning will help you breath as welll....I always yawn alot prior to an interview.
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Old 09-16-2008, 01:38 PM
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All I can say is hang in there. I was unemployed for a long time and just recently lost the job I obtained after that period. I forgot all of the tools that I learned in AA and treatment prior to that so I had already started to drink. Once I lost the job I went on a spiral in the wrong direction.

It is tough but I can take pride that I am in the middle of day 2 of my sobriety and never want to look back.

I do get anxious before interviews as well. Sometimes they go well, sometimes not. Keep pressing forward, and as I can remember, I did my best interviews after not drinking for months.

Please keep your chin up and instead of drinking, find something else, anything else.

Take care.
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Old 09-16-2008, 02:15 PM
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Thanks for your responses, they really mean a lot and are very helpful. I will not drink today as I got through the cravings this morning and I can hold out the rest of the day.
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Old 09-16-2008, 02:46 PM
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I'm sorry you're having this trouble. But there's nothing so bad that drinking can't make it worse. I've been feeling more depressed than usual lately and one of the first (automatic) thoughts is to run to the bottle, to get numb and unfeeling. Fortunately my automatic response, by now, is to tell that 'bottle voice' to BACK OFF!

Any possibility of some volunteer work for a while? Something you like and feel comfortable with, and something that may have potential to turn into a paying job? If you could at least find something you like to occupy your time then maybe it would help keep the negative thought patterns away.

I honestly don't know what to say to comfort you, but I never run out of hugs and love!

:ghug3 Don't despair Felly! This too shall pass... I just can't say when.
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Old 09-16-2008, 03:43 PM
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Felly you know I was in the place where you are now. In fact recently I have been slipping into a little bit of my isolation comfort zone again. It's interesting how anxiety fits right in with it. How when I'm alone my mind has a mind of it's own and it always makes things worse then they really are. Felly I didn't do anything amazing or heroic I just had to get a job to keep my home so I did. I really wanted to get a job working from home so I never had to leave but I found one outside of my bedroom where real people exist first. It was horrible!!!! This guy who I was working with early on was nice and I just wanted to work with him in our little corner of this wharehouse with over one hundred people. Whenever we needed something from another area I pretended not to know where it was so I didn't have to leave my area. People drove around on these pallet jacks where everyone couls see them and it terrified me. I really didn't want to learn how to operate one because then I would be out in the middle of everyone.

What happened was not of my doing. People were nice to me. Slowly I found a few that I really liked. One guy opened up to me about his addiction and another has a silly sense of humor like mine. My fears and anxiety slowly worked themselves out as I spent time in the real world instead of my crazy head.

Felly its not that bad out here. I still love and I mean love my alone time but life among humans is doable. There really is no way around it. If I find a way I will let you know but until then we have to pretend we are one of them.

It's not easy at first but even a little time out of your head will ease your anxiety and fear. That's how it worked for me.

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Old 09-16-2008, 04:13 PM
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Thanks Larry I always relate to you so much. I really am trying.
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Old 09-17-2008, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by felly79 View Post
I have not been doing well lately I really need to vent. It seems that whenever I start feeling better I force myself to focus on something negative to put me back in the dumps. I realize that my current living situation is not very condusive to happiness or sobriety but I am finding increasingly impossible to change it. I have too much time on my hands and spend too much time in my head.

Thanks for letting me share.
I have experienced behaviours like that as well, felly. i discovered i was actually on a roll of good changes and was just throwing my net to far and attempting to change too much at once. I figured mebbe get in as much good as possible while i could. i was just being a bit selfish i know now looking back.

it was not really negative thinking on my part more like childish thinking that one success breeds another so quickly. i really needed time to absorb my changes before tackling extra challenges.

i also needed to be aware that even small changes often accumulate into huge life changing events and i should not dismiss even the smallest efforts as not enough or too late and too little. sometimes the smallest of changes are just enough to bring on an avalanche of changes!

and sometimes i would reproach myself after a series of accomplishments thinking and feeling i really didn't derserve it even though i knew i did, and others echoed that i indeed did deserve my successes. so i watch to make sure i have a comfort zone for allowing myself to be second guessing myself. i just accept that i sometimes do reproach myself and then i just move on with a stronger determination to be more deligent and forthwright with myself in the upcoming days.

you're so loving of yourself to choose to vent like you have felly!! i hope you're the kinda of person who sees the glass as half full and not as half empty! as one of your friends dear felly, let me say that you have totally earned giving yourself a warm pat on the back for looking after yourself so well and perhaps mebbe a little bit less hard on yourself going thru day to day struggles. We all have them.

:ghug2
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Old 09-17-2008, 09:30 AM
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I'm late to this post and haven't read the replies yet but we have a lot in common. I get really inside myself when I stop speaking to people on a daily basis. I remember how frustrated I used to get years ago looking for work and then sit in front of the interviewer and go blank. I remember thinking, I'll never gt a job because how can they know it's just this horrible interview process that trips me up? That I'll be fine once I'm hired and the best worker they've ever had. I ace interviews now and the below is why.

Here are my tricks to become UNshy: Practice on strangers. Stretch out your grocery store purchases so you have to go to different places and strike up a conversation with people in line and the cashier, etc. I know how hard it is to do when you have a anxiety issue but it works. In time you get more accostumed to speaking. When others speak to you pick out negative things about them (i.e. they spit when they talk, they have a piece of salad in their tooth, their shirt has a stain). Ok...this sounds mean but it's meant to show you that others aren't perfect either. They don't notice the stain on the shirt, they don't see your cheeks are flushed in fear/anxiety. People don't notice us much as we think. Second, people love to talk about themselves.

The other thing is saying positive things to yourself outloud and also in the mirror: I am outgoing, I am valuable, I am a great daughter, I am a great employee, I have nice skin, etc. several several times a day. Follow this with loving gestures such as stroking your arm, your hair, legs, etc. In time this will become a habit. I bet you say negative things to yourself all day and don't even realize it. That is also a habit. A bad one. I still mumble to myself, you're so stupid, how could you have forgotten that book for the meeting but I catch myself now and say, because you're human, you had a busy morning, it's no big deal Kathleen. The meeting with fine without it. You're very organized. Sometime I even say "I love you" or "I forgive you" outloud. Someone told me to speak to myself as I would a friend always with love and respect.

I started these tricks about 10 years ago coming off speed and I was so broken, fragile and sensitive and mostly I just hated myself. I still use my tricks in my daily life. I used to be paralyzed with fear just walking up to the cashier to give her money and now I chatter away in line and to the cashier. I am seen as outgoing. In reality I am terribly shy and hard on myself and if I go for just one whole day without speaking to someone I start the "turtle" again. The more I stay there the more uncomfortable it is to get out of it. Being shy is like being locked inside your own body and mind with no key. It's exactly that way.

You are NOT an animal and thank you for your post.
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Old 09-17-2008, 10:16 AM
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Excellent suggestions bostonluv, I learned so much and it's only 10:00 AM!
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