Reddmax

For those of you following the soap opera that is my life, here's an update.


The AW returned on Sat from the business trip, words were exchanged, but things stabilized. She gets home, 2 drinks, jet lag, and boom, she's out.

The next morning, we talk, and she notes she's been thinking of divorce also, because "I don't want to be considered a problem by my SO". Nicely mainipulative language. My response was, "Change your actions so you're not a problem". We left it at that. We then decided to work on the house.

We started at 11:00 AM, and she was drinking by noon. She drank steadily until 5:00 pm, when the SS had to be taken home. I took him home. On the way back, as I was pulling into the subdivision, I see the AW in her car. She zooms by me, takes an immediate left, and she's gone.

I know what condition she's in. I try and call her, no answer. So... I call 911 and report a drunk driver. Before they find her, she comes home. She's vile, abusive, and can't walk. I get her to sit down, and boom, she's out.

I then find out why she freaked out. She found the boxes I was packing up.

The next morning, she has no memory of the events of the evening. Unfortunately, she finds the boxes again. She says she doesn't want a divorce. I say I don't want to live like this. She has to make changes in her life. She agrees.

She starts drinking again at 5:00 that evening. She passes out at 8.

To quote Kurt Vonnegut, and so it goes.

Redd

Lilyflower

Words...


Actions...

They are not matching are they? Keep YOUR actions moving Redd, keep moving ahead for you!

Won't it be a glorious day when you can post here about how fantastic your weekend has been, how you did this and that and it felt good? No drama, no chaos, no senseless going around and around.

Keep your thoughts towards days like that...

Blessings
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Startingover2

I feel so sorry for you. I know what that is like.

Good for you on calling 911. As you probably know I did it too. Keep calling. One day they will catch up with her.

Keep making positive steps.

Reddmax

The actions she's supposedly going to do are the following:

1. Keep going to counseling
2. Call a doctor about her health problems
3. Discuss naltrexone, topamax, and prozac with her doctor.
1. Naltrexone and topamax to help with her cravings
2. Prozac to help with her mood swings

We'll see what happens. Although, the driving with no memory freaked her out.

Redd

LaTeeDa

What are your boundaries, Redd?

I notice you use the word "interesting" a lot. I wonder when it will stop being "interesting" and start being "unacceptable."

L

miss communicat

Is Quitting Drinking in that list of actions?

Keeping going to counseling never got me sober. Calling a doctor never got me sober. Discussing medications never got me sober. Taking medications to supposedly help me with cravings never got me sober. Tranquilizer medications to supposedly help with my mood swings never got me sober.

Alcohol is a nerve toxin and a central nervous sysytem depressant. Miraculously, as soon as I no longer put that substance into my brain chemistry and my nervous system, I no longer had mood swings and anxiety. Amazing, really.

Just my experience with my alcoholism. Hope it might help another to gain perspective in their situation.

Reddmax

Both LTD and Miss had good points.

Each of these days were terrible and unacceptable. I do know that I'm having trouble letting go, but I am taking steps.

I'm packing stuff up. I'm looking where I can keep it. I'm preparing for the day, when I have to let go, or drown. I've got to hit bottom too, and I can feel it coming. When that day comes, I'm going to be prepared to pull the bandaid off the wound. It's going to hurt, and I'm going to be a wreck. I'm doing as much as I can while I'm functioning so I can "turn off" for a while when it actually does occur. Does that make sense to anyone here?

Redd

Jazzman

My ex thought that the right combination of anti depressants and counseling would fix all her problems and enable her to continue to drink in moderation. Taking ADs and drinking way too much on top of them only made things worse. The dramatic episodes exponentially increased and her relationships with her kids, family members and myself deteriorated. She probably managed to compress about 5 years of the natural disease progression into about 6 short months. Unbelievable thing to witness.

If she were serious about quitting she would check herself into rehab and stay there, then get involved with a sobriety program and work the program. Anything else she says or does or looks into is BS.

MsPINKAcres

((Redd))

I completely understand about having to reach your own bottom. I believe it is a process for me - I know when I know.

Several people have asked me why I stay with my AH and still have contact with my Step-daughter - when both are in & out of recovery - as of today (as far as I know, both are in recovery - 6 months ago they were not).

My answer is very clear - because my HP has not given me the clear answer and release to leave yet. I believe & know that the God of my understanding leads me to make the decisions best for ME.

I keep in contact with my sponsor, attend meetings, read literature, visit with my SR family, and spend time in prayer & meditation - so that I know that I am listening to recovery voices not "old behaviors and fear".

I maintain my boundaries, walk away from unhealthy and unacceptable behaviors and protect myself financially, mentally and physically.

If my AH relapses again - will I leave - I don't know - but I do know that when it is time - I will have a clear path of my HP's will & life for me and the strength, courage and wisdom to carry that out will be give to me as I need it.

I believe that because of your growth in recovery - you will be able to do the same when the time comes for you.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita

Snickers008

Sorry for all the trouble, Redd. I went through it with my exAH and now with my son. I really never made any progress myself until I accepted the fact that my exAH cared about nothing but drinking. No exceptions.

Chances are your wife is the same. For some reason, it seems like they have to prove this to us over and over and over again.

I remember our first Christmas apart- I was so worried my husband would want to stay overnight on Christmas Eve or insist on more participation then I was willing to agree to. Boy- was I wrong. He came and watched the children's little play they did and then was just itching to get out of there and back to his one true love who was waiting for him cold and frosty in the car!

I am so sorry for your torment though. No one deserves to live like that.

denny57

Just because I don't leave a situation doesn't mean I have to actively engage in it. When today I find myself participating in a "soap opera" I ask myself - what am I getting out of it? If I start to make excuses for myself (usually along the altruistic line) I go back and start over with steps 1 through 4.

I control my choices.

TTOSBT

Wow Redd,
I do have to say that every time I think about drinking, if I read stuff on your wife it brings all my past ugliness back to me and reminds why I am so happy to be sober today.
I am so sorry for your pain. Like you said, eventually you will be ready. I wish you all the best :ghug3

respektingme

Redd,

One thing I've noticed from reading posts here during times when codie's are taking actions to save their sanity is that their A's often end up threatening divorce and then recanting fairly often. I think they must vacillate between wanting you and wanting the bottle so much that they move back and force with ease. My DH did the same thing. When he entered outpatient rehab, he was so humble and determined. During rehab he told me he was going to move into the guest bedroom and we would live like roommates and that I would never leave because he makes the money, and he would drink whenever he wanted. Very common. She's desperate for you to let her drink and still stick around.

She's quacking. And I'm not sure about you reminding her what she needs to do. You said you told her she can change and you'll stay. No doubt she knows what she's doing that is driving you to leave. I think your best bet is to continue letting her see your actions. If she thinks she can keep you engaged in talking, there's no reason for her to think she can't keep on like she is.

Reddmax

Developments.

Although I didn't approve, and I've told the SD not to do this, she decided to do it anyway.

The AW was drinking last night, and the SD decided to bring it up as a subject for discussion.

The negative thing that came out was this.

The AW does not believe she's an alcoholic.
She believes that she can control her drinking.
She will not go to either inpatient detox or AA.


She then continued to drink. The SD got madder and madder. Lovely evening. I'm renting a storage unit today. Baby steps.

Redd

Silverberry1331

Good move to get the storage unit. That is a good positive step. It will keep your stuff protect, and keep the drama more minimized by not having boxes around that can be discovered.

Freedom1990

Amen to that.

I couldn't help but notice that 3 of the 5 things on her list were medications.

She could be on 15 medications and still be the alcoholic that she is.

She doesn't want to give up drinking and doesn't think she's an alcoholic.

That was the bottom line I picked up out of what I read.

miss communicat

I would print a few copies of this simply stated truth and keep them nearby at all times. It would, for me, enlarge and encourage my baby steps away from this person. First I would walk those baby steps, then perhaps I might soar to a brighter height without looking back.

Snickers008

Redd: At least you have some answers from your wife. That's good. Sounds like the step kids are thinking along the same lines you are though. Also there is no point in her agreeing to go to rehab just to get the heat off and having no desire to change.

That sort of thing just delays the whole process. Everybody gets their hopes up until you find your beloved behind the storage shed partaking in some refreshments.

Then the hiding/lying really starts and the whole process is repeated XX times until you finally understand- by then of course you are that much older and than much poorer.

Unless of course they recover. That was not my experience though.

Reddmax

I'm just sort of numb today. In talking to her, its so facile and underhanded. I'm pretty sure she has no intention of willfully following through with what she's starting. She's going to go to the doctor, and then drag her feet like a little girl that doesn't want to eat her vegetables when he says something she doesn't like.

Just like she does with the rest of the family.

Redd

freya

One afternoon about 4 1/2 years ago, I picked up my son from school and immediately began explaining to him all of the errands we had to run right then and there in order to take care of the latest crisis "caused" by my partner, who was, at the time, deep in a dry-drunk relapse. After listening to me blabber full speed for probably 10 minutes, my son looked me dead in the eye and with his most cutting sarcasm said: "Mother, why are you even involved in this drama???? Why don't you just ignore it for a few years and then catch up with it when it comes out on video if you're still even interested?"

I was quite taken aback...because, let there be no mistake, when a 17 year old, gay, high school boy tells you that your life has too much drama, there's really no denying that your life has too much drama!!!!!!

At the time that I was telling him the latest craziness, I'm absolutely certain that I thought it extremely interesting and extremely important....but the truth (which he saw very clearly) was that it was nothing but the B-O-R-I--N-G, predictable, repetitive, SAME OLD -- SAME OLD. The same old drama, the same old b*llsh*t, and the same old alcoholic dance in which I was playing my own b*llsh*t, addicted-to-the-drama-if-not-the-drink part just as much as my partner was playing hers.

It only takes one partner to stop the dance.

It only takes one person to flick the switch and turn off the soap opera.

Just say "NO" to the drama.....recovery is actually much more interesting and exciting anyway.

freya