nipponwiseguy

Hi Everyone,

Can someone please help me with some guidelines? I find myself truly between the rock and the hard place.

I'm not even sure how to ask this, so please forgive as I stumble along...

(the short story)
My partner is a marijuana addict and has been lying to me about it for some time.
She is very new to recovery, but is attending MA meetings.

The scenario:
Yesterday she tells me she had a compulsion and scoured the house (which I had truly thought to be pot free) and that she had found some, but felt so overworught by her actions that she threw it away. She wanted me to know because she wanted to be transparent and she felt guilty about it.

I ( right or wrong and I sure someone will tell me) thanked her for her honesty and then told her that I was proud of her. That while she had begun to act on a compulsion she had taken action. She smiled and told me that really helped.

Today she called me at work to tell me that she was high. that she hadn't thrown anything away, but instead had gone out and bought herself a bong, etc.

At this point she told me that she felt awful about it, but that since she was telling me I couldn't be upset about it because this wouldn't help her.


She then went on to explain to me how addiction was a disease and that it made no sense for me to be angry at the lies. I wasn't angry, more just deeply sad and the circle of lies.

I asked that she call her sponser (Is that a mistake as a first step?)
Her sponser told her to tell me that I had no right to be angry or sad and then went on to compare it with being mad at a cancer victim for having cancer. (I do not believe this to be either a kind or accurate metaphor, though I am truly trying to keep an open heart about this so please help if I'm being out of line)

I felt like I'm being played by using a system that is supposed to help.


Am I truly out of line for wanting to be honest with her about what her addiction is doing to those around her?

I am a person that attempt to choose words thoughtfully and not from a place of anger, But now I am angry. angry and sad becuase I do not understand how to respond.

Thank you for listening. Any and all responses are truly appreciated.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am glad you have found us. her soberity is not for you to handle. it is all hers. the addict is going to blame anybody & everything for there using. i suggest that you to set boundries for her. she is living in your house & should respect you. do not set boundries that you feel you can not carry out. #1 should be, no using in your home & not coming there if she is high or out she goes. work on your recovery & leave her to hers. it is hard. my son is my addict. keep coming back here & read around. prayers for you both.

justsomegirl

Hi! My husband abuses pot as well (he drinks too) and I understand your frustration. He throws the disease card at me regularily and I reply, if you had cancer you would do all you could to get better, not accept it. Doesn't work. I wish I was like you and did not speak out of anger. I am learning thanks to this site and educating myself. I try to realize I can't control him, only myself and I am getting better as time goes by and so will you. Its so hard though, and sad. Take care.

Ann

Nobody has the right to tell you how you "should" feel. You feel how you feel and feeling angry/disappointed/sad/frustrated/crazy/scared when living with an active addict is very normal and a valid response.

The thing is, while we have the "right" to feel any way we happen to feel, those particular emotions will eat us alive if we let them.

Take a read around and you will find you are among friends here, who understand because we have all been where you are and know that awful feeling.

For me, finding meetings allowed me to see for myself other people just like me, who had something I wanted...serenity and inner peace. I was told I could have it too, free for the taking, if I was willing to learn to work 12 little steps that ended up saving my life.

Glad you found us and hope you'll walk with us a while.

Hugs

marle

I agree with Ann. You have the right to feel how you want to feel. My daughter is a recovering heroin addict who is currently living at home. Whenever the talk rolls around to anything that has to do with her recovery, her way of seeing things, etc. I tell her to call someone in the program. I don't expect her to tell me what to do and I don't tell her what to do. I do have boundaries. She works, goes to meetings, and treats us with respect. There will be no using in my house. If that happens out she goes. She knows she has this one chance with us. They do have a disease but there is treatment and there is help. So welcome and I hope you stick around. This place is very helpful and the people are great Hugs, Marle

nipponwiseguy

Thank you all for your kind words and greetings.


I will see about finding a meeting to intend.

imallright

Hi, welcome to SR. This site is wonderful in helping you find your way. My AH also used weed. Started with drinking... and lost his license twice and then I thought he had stopped it all. Not quite, starting using weed more... only I didn't realize it. I "endured" the issues it was causing in our life, but didn't really know why the problems where there. When I did realize what was going on, it took my some time to decide how to break free of an overwhelming addiction ruled life.

Focus on you. Feel whatever you need to feel. Stay safe and be clear about what you want from life and what you are willing to accept from your girlfriend. Life is short, don't waste a moment. Meetings are a great idea and a great way to get the support and strength that you want and need. Keep coming back. We are here for you.