Cassey

Even when my h really does hurt himself which he did (probably could have used 4 stiches in his knee). I think bad thoughts!!

We both had plans this morning with our youngest daughter to give her a good send off as she will be gone for the rest of this week (elementary school).

My thinking is not giving him any room at all, I am thinking mean things, maybe if you wouldnt of stayed up all night and drank as many beers as you had, maybe your leg wouldnt be throbbing this morning. I am also thinking you big huge baby (walk it off). As it was streaming blood I was trying to get him to let me clean it for him and he was acting like a child, grunting and hopping, and yelling at everyone else. Blaming the kitten cause the kitten escaped from the back door and if he never would have escaped, he wouldnt of had to chase him and he wouldnt have fallen. Just going on and on and on and on, finally he calmed down enough for me to clean it and put a couple of butterfly bandaids on it for him. Then all of sudden he felt like he was going to faint, so he layed on the kitchen floor and bellored get me a cold rag. Then the rest of the night it was a hobbling we will go, and cussing ouch my leg. This morning he woke up but couldnt manage to get the energy to come with me to get our daughter off together. He said my leg hurts I cant move get me some motrin ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, he kept saying ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhh

But my thoughts are you wimp, you big baby, you could have mustered up enough energy to sit in the car. It is not like his leg was broke for god's sake, it was a cut, about a half inch long. He was just making excuses this morning.

Instead of thinking all these negative thoughts. Why cant I feel more compassionate, or caring, or understanding, yes, he is an alcoholic, but he is also a person who really got hurt probably needed stiches and is really sore this morning.

Is there different stages of co-dependency???? I am sure there is, I wonder what stage I am in?? I am being serious how could my addiction not worsen as the years go by?? Where is my bottom?? I am sure we have them to right??

penneypoo

Yes, they are just BIG babies. Mine too, although he complains more about having to do things for himself, or not getting his way, rather than being hurt.
Although, your story really brought back a memory, and I had to laugh. My AH decided to go for a late night bike ride, after a 12 pack or so, and crashed. He had road rash all over, face and all. He didn't complain, but every time I looked at him I though of what a drunken fool he was (and still is).
That's right. if they hadn't been so drunk, they probably wouldn't have gotten hurt. They are adults, they know better. Don't feel bad, he's a big boy.

Cassey

I feel like I am lacking compassion, if it would have been one of my kids or even my dogs or kitten, my thoughts would not have been well you dummies.

I think what I was trying to say, that just because they are alcoholics they are people that deserve compassion. When he hurt himself he wasnt drunk, he had just started to drink.

Dont get me wrong I am no dummy and I know that he plays on things, but that is not my side of the street anymore. He didnt go this morning with his daughter, that is on him.

I am just looking at myself and questioning what I need to work on and what I may be lacking.

Bernadette

I think what I was trying to say, that just because they are alcoholics they are people that deserve compassion.

True. But if this particular person has hurt you and abused your trust over the years it is very hard to feel compassion. If you haven't been speaking up, or have been tolerating his behavior then you are probably angry at yourself. If we don't release that anger - either by positive action to change the situation so it doesn't happen again - or by some substitute deliberate rage-releasing behavior (for example: running or exercising, or punching a pillow and screaming, or therapy) then that rage builds up and it is very hard to call on our higher selves when confronted with something like this.

Are you unforgiving and hard on yourself? Do you call yourself names when you screw up or are angry with yourself? Can you practice compassion with yourself? It all begins within YOU!

I needed help with this stuff. By the end of my marriage I was wishing my Ex was dead. Not a good place to be in my mind. One-on-one therapy was the help I needed!

Peace,
B.

prodigal

Perhaps you should try looking at what you need to work on rather than what is lacking within you. From your original post, in my opinion, you focus on his being a baby, making a huge fuss about busting open his knee, blaming everybody and everything for it happening, etc.

Yes, it IS on his side of the street. From my own perspective, your side of the street feels guiilty, even though you helped him get his knee bandaged. Your side of the street feels angry that your AH did not follow through with seeing his daughter off to school. Your side of the street is frustrated, having to deal with an adult who is behaving like a child. I don't think that shows a lack of anything, just the reaction to putting up with his nonsense.

The fact you had all those feelings is not wrong at all. You didn't ACT on those feelings. I frequently feel disgusted by my AH when he is staggering around here drunk out of his skull and telling me a bunch of b.s. But I don't get into a discussion with him. I just leave him to do his "thing." I could tell him his brain is fried, he's a mess, he's disgusting .... but I'd consider it a waste of my time.

blessed4x

My AH sounds a lot like yours, and for me it is the repeated excuses and letdowns that brought me to a place of not caring. It's like the boy that cried wolf. My AH has missed the kids sporting events, school plays, etc because he "threw his back out", or urgently had to fix something around the house that had been broken for months, or had work to do. I feel the disappointment that my kids won't show, and I can tell you that after years it has destroyed the relationship between my oldest (16) and his dad. I think I have the most awesome kids on the planet, and I tell them that frequently, but it still doesn't make up for having a supportive dad who is there physically and emotionally for them. What I'm coming to realize, after so many years of trying to be mom AND dad, is that I'm probably doing more damage than if they had just me, a healthy parent as the only influence in their everyday lives.

Cassey

Yes, it over the years of one disappointment after the other that has brought me to thinking the way that I do.

Many, Many years of excuses why he cant go to different activities.

I did not ACT on anything that I was thinking, because it makes no sense too. I honestly dont want to waste my time.

I am unforgiving and hard on myself, but I dont call myself names

Tally

I feel that I lack compassion too, something I never did before I met by RABF. I think Bernadette hit the nail on the head regarding it being hard to feel compassion for someone who has repeatedly hurt you and let you down. Don't be too hard on yourself. x

respektingme

Oh yeah. I've seen mine passed out on the bathroom floor to be close to the toilet for 24 hours straight. And he's taken one of our pillows and blankets in there. Occasionally he'd call for me to get him something to drink, or an aspirin. Typically, I'm too far away to ask for much. I prefer to stay away. But any time I see that, all I can think about is how many puke germs are infiltrating every square inch of our blanket, wondering if I'll be able to make sure never to accidentally use his pillow and having absolutely no compassion at all.

TooMuch4TooLong

Compassion gets harder and harder to come by as the years go on. Mine acts the exact same way and I am not one to keep my mouth shut either. Bet you can guess where that got me lol.
You asked if codies have a "rock bottom". In a sense when I left him you could call it that, as I was at the end of my rope and could no longer handle it. I personally have started thinking about it as taking baby steps to Step 1. I finally admitted that I had no control over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable. I'm still working on that one but it's only been a few weeks. I'm not saying my decision to leave is right for all situations, just right for me, even knowing what I know. I believe it was not a bottoming out of me, just the relationship. For me it was finally finding my wings to fly with again.

justsomegirl

I too wondered where my compassion had gone to. I have told him he should just die. How awful is that. We are supposed to love them. I sometimes couldnt believe the things that came out of my mouth or the thoughts that popped into my head. My husband broke his leg last winter drunk in a bar fight getting arrested and I was angry at him, but I was also mildly satisfied, kinda like, "you deserve the physical pain" Words don't seem to phase him the only hurt he can feel is physical. I felt like I was turning evil. Then the next breath I am waiting on him hand and foot, getting him snacks etc.

Cassey

My Husband called me yesterday afternoon when he woke up to get ready for work. I asked him how is leg was doing and how he was going to make it to work being he was in so much pain.

LaTeeDa

This was a big turning point for me and when I realized that I had become just as sick as him. I didn't like who I had become.

That's when I knew I had to make a change.

L

Pajarito

I've got to agree with LTD. I knew I was becoming someone I didn't like, and am now trying to figure out who I really am. I am a compassionate person. But like a lot of us, it was wearing thin with a man who complained a lot about how sleep deprived he was- but would stay up all night drinking, and then wouldn't get up in the morning or would sleep the weekends away. I was very frustrated. I now choose not to live like that- but it's not easy. I had to look at why I stayed in a relationship for so long that was so frustrating- and had such a profound effect on me- on my character.

I also agree with Bernadette- it starts with me. I'm human- I can be cranky and impatient sometimes. But I'm also compassionate. I believe compassion has to start with me- for myself. Then- I can give it freely to others.