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Feel completely and totally alone.

Old 09-15-2008, 09:11 AM
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One Day At A Time
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Feel completely and totally alone.

Don't know if this is the right forum to post in. I'm 21 months sober, but all my other issues seem to be unresolveable at the moment.

I was doing alright in AA, until Feb time, when I started overeating again, and began and affair. I was happy with my sponsor, and I was up to Step 10.

Not long after the affair began, I starting self-harming and inducing vomiting.

I went from feel alright about me, praying daily, doing service, getting to 4 meetings a week, working with others, taking inventory and everything, to eating, cutting, throwing up and having sex

My sponsor told me that while i was living dishonestly, she couldn't help and there was no point working the remaining steps. We spoke once a month at best. She said if I carried on having the affair, I'd drink and I'd die.

I phoned her today, to say I ended the affair yesterday. I feel like crap. She asked if I'd prayed or written anything down. I haven't, all I can think about it how much I'm hurting, and all the practical things I'm supposed to do didn't even enter my mind. I told her I hadn't, and said that she didn't want me phoning her, complaining how I'm low, and not having done anything about it. She said I was free to call her back when I'd put some work in, and she hung up.

I just feel abandoned (again - she 'dumped' me when I was having sexuality issues).

I just feel so horrendously awful. I'm alone, I'm upset, I'm having alsorts of urges, and I just want someone to talk to. There is only one person in AA I know who doesn't 'disapprove' of the affair, and who I could talk to. He is away at the moment though.

I don't know what to do. I'm crying my eyes out, and I want nothing more than to phone the guy I had the affair with, just to have someone to hold me and love me.
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:17 AM
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your sponser is a Ahole
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:22 AM
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One Day At A Time
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I've not been happy with our relationship for a while, so I think when I've calmed down and am feeling a bit more stable, I'll let her know that I appreciate her help, but I feel that the sponser/sponsee relationship no longer feels right for me.

I have a guy who I look upto a lot, who is always there for me and has a lot of time for me. He doesn't like the term 'sponsor', and refers to his 'sponsor' as his 'trusted spiritual advisor. I don't need a sponsor in name do I, as long as I have someone with longtime sobriety who I look up to, talk to and ask for guidance? The name doesn't matter does it?
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:23 AM
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Go to meetings and get a new sponsor as soon as possible.
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:34 AM
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One Day At A Time
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When/how do I end things with my sponsor? I feel 'pushed' into a lot of things by her, and very judged. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with her again.
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:37 AM
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I dont know anyhting about sponsors. But it appears you need to find another one.

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Old 09-15-2008, 09:46 AM
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Someone who judges you like that, when you are reaching out for help, is toxic to you.

I'm not an AA person, so I say this about anybody in your life that you're dealing with.

I absolutely remember how lost and alone I felt when I stopped drinking and I didn't know which way to turn. Reaching out is very hard and I'm sorry you were treated like that.

Of course, ultimately, you do need to do the hard work yourself. No one can do it for you. I think it sounds like you've learned a lot and you're ready to move forward.

Keep reading and posting.
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:07 AM
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Hi odaat,

It's good to see you again. I'm sorry for your struggles, but I'm glad you're not drinking.

I needed a lot of outside help when I found myself having lust issues (and others) when I quit drinking. It's not uncommon. I saw an addictions counsellor, and then an MD who specialized in childhood trauma/sex and love addiction and was also a recovering alcoholic himself. Working with him one-on-one and attending weekly relapse prevention groups, as well as participating in trauma workshops, really helped me to let go of the garbage in my past.

If you haven't already, I suggest you find a counsellor who specializes in addiction, and begin to work on unravelling your past. In the meantime, amp up your meetings, get a new sponsor if that's in the plan, and start again at Step 1 with her - your life sure sounds to be unmanageable right now. That isn't a judgement, but merely an observation.

Have you connected with many other women? That's the other thing that really helped me. Joining an all-women group and learning to trust them with my stuff. I also began having women over for monthly meditation nights and it was a great way to connect and grow together as recovering women.

You've been sober quite some time now and you've got a lot to give back to the still-suffering alcoholic.

I'm glad you ended the affair.
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:23 AM
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Thumbs up Sponsors....

Hi odaat, :ghug3

I only had one sponsor and she stuck with me through thick & thin...good or bad...!!!

I made mistakes & worked some of my steps a different way than she suggested but I did work them & used the AA Program in my daily life. I have been sober a long time & my sponsor moved to another part of the state so I don't see her much...maybe once a year or talk with her on the phone.

I find a lot of personal help here on Sober Recovery by reading the posts & replying if I feel I can add some personal experience. This has helped me a lot and it is a place where I can share a lot of my feelings. :ghug2

I hope you can decide what you want to do. A sponsor isn't all there is...a lot of the work has to be done by you when you are ready to get involved in the program. I needed to want my sobriety more than anything else in my life and that is how it worked for me.

kelsh
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:37 AM
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Don't want to get into an argument about AA here, as I know very little about it, but what kind of person gives that kind of person the responsibilty to be a sponser (does that make sense?!) It seems to me that she was in for her own 'glory', rather than any true caring altruistic reason.

You need help when you're down, not that kind of attitude. I'm sorry it went wrong and hope you find the right person.

God, people like that make me want to be violent!!

sas
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:44 AM
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In a sense, you're not alone.

I've got scars of my own. And I'm struggling with the urge not to call someone I know I shouldn't because I want their support.

I'd rather not get detailed about disorders and diseases, but you and I could very well be suffering the same issues other than alcoholism. If you think it would help I welcome you to send me a private message. I will be around the internet for a couple more hours (wireless permitting.)

I promise things get better. Be very good to yourself.

Last edited by Isaiah; 09-15-2008 at 10:52 AM. Reason: Somethings are best left unsaid.
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Old 09-15-2008, 11:00 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a rough experience.

The first thing that I would recommend is to Google the AA Intergroup for your county or state. The local intergroups around me have volunteers manning the phones that are willing to chat, so The ones closest to you might have the same. After giving you an ear for a while, they will be able to give you a list of meetings where you can find a new sponsor.

Your sponsor probably handled the situation the best she knew how, but the reality is that it was not the right approach for you. Because of this, you no longer trust her. You can't have a sponsor/sponsee relationship, IMO, with someone that you don't trust.

Google up an intergroup list and get on the phone as fast as you can. Channel that energy into a way to help you.

Good luck, hon.


Addendum:

Here is a site with an intergroup list in England:

anonpress.org/phone/britain.asp#England

Last edited by OtterMedicine; 09-15-2008 at 11:04 AM. Reason: Adding information
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Old 09-15-2008, 11:01 AM
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I agree with some other people, get new sponsor as soon as possible. Your sponsor is a JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-15-2008, 11:19 AM
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I can't say why your sponsor said/did those things, it doesn't seem to be a very diplomatic way of handling your problems. Only thing I know for sure is the "hard work" you need to do is your responsibility and only you can work on those issues. Your former sponsor seems to be lacking in compassion and empathy.

I don't know that having a "sponsor" is essential, only that if you have someone you trust in the program who can guide you thru these issues, by all means go for it.

I wish you the best in your life. I pray you find some peace very soon.

:ghug3
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Old 09-15-2008, 02:14 PM
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isnt one of points of recovery programs like aa to help us deal with life's problems without booze? you cant fix anything if your "mentor" is looking down on you and abandons you during your time of need. thats some b/s and she should be ashamed of herself.

sorry you feel alone i hope things get better really soon.
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Old 09-15-2008, 05:10 PM
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Hugs to you Odaat! What a horrible woman your nasty ex-sponsor is!
I was reading a 2nd step workbook last night and it talked about getting away from our negative voices, you know, like the ones in our mind that tell us we are unworthy and unlovable, etc. I knew I was planning on going to a meeting tonight (already went, it went fine) where there use to be a few women who were very negative like it sounds like your former sponsor is. So I thought to myself, 'if I'm not supposed to listen to my own negative voices, then I shouldn't listen to their negative voices, either' and I planned, if they said something negative to me, like 'what makes you think you'll stay sober this time?' (which one of them did say once) I would tell them, "I'm sorry, I'm not listening to negative people anymore" and just walk away. They weren't there, darn it, I was almost looking forward to it!
Anyway, this woman, like Anna pointed out, seems toxic. You need positive, loving support. You are worth it, and owe it to yourself to find it. And to do whatever you need to do to get back to the place you were before, or beyond it. And so do I!
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Old 09-15-2008, 05:15 PM
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p.s. I know you're hurting over the end of your affair, and even though it sounds like that was very bad for you, and I'm so glad you're out of it, I want to give you a big cyber-hug because I know it hurts to end even bad relationships.:ghug3
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Old 09-15-2008, 06:34 PM
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"My sponsor told me that while i was living dishonestly, she couldn't help and there was no point working the remaining steps. We spoke once a month at best. She said if I carried on having the affair, I'd drink and I'd die.

I phoned her today, to say I ended the affair yesterday. I feel like crap. She asked if I'd prayed or written anything down. I haven't, all I can think about it how much I'm hurting, and all the practical things I'm supposed to do didn't even enter my mind. I told her I hadn't, and said that she didn't want me phoning her, complaining how I'm low, and not having done anything about it. She said I was free to call her back when I'd put some work in, and she hung up."

I understand that you are in a lot of pain right now. I am really sorry about that.But IMHO your sponsor is trying to help you (maybe not as gently as you'd like). She is trying to show you the tools that she used that got her through difficult things like this. If you don't at least try to use those tools, then what more can she give to you?

Please, go to a meeting, find another sponsor if you must, but start picking up those tools! Hang in there!
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