riaerif

I'm having a down day, I think, and I started to think about why I'm here. I came here because my mother is an addict. Plain and simple.

But then I started thinking that she's only one person with a problem in my life. My paternal grandparents were alcoholics, with my grandfather drinking himself into an early grave before I was born. And my grandmother took off on the run with a drug dealer and I've met her once. My father was into alcohol and drugs for a long time and is a NOT recovering sex addict.

And then there's mom. Probably the least dramatic. Drugs, but still it hurts more because she was the one who was always here.

Then my ex. I never thought about his alcohol and drug use when I thought about the people in my life. Yeah, he was a drunk. He was a MEAN drunk and somehow I never thought that alcohol and drugs were part of that violence. I always thought it was a different category of 'totally messed up.'

Now I'm happily married to a man who does not drink at all. And why? Because his parents are alcoholics. *sigh*

So here I am, still trying to begin a healthy life at 32 and I start to wonder if it's too late to undo the damage. Maybe I'll always have to do things with that smack of "recovering" in my psyche.

Will I be recovering from something forever? Can't I just be normal? I don't even know what normal is.

Impurrfect

awwww, sweetie, I'm sorry you're having a bad day.

I didn't grow up with alcoholics/addicts, but have been around them all my adult life and became an addict (now recovering).

What I've found is I will probably always be recovering from being a codie (codependent). But I've also found that my life is BETTER than what most people consider "normal". I'm learning to have compassion, but not let people walk all over me; I have MUCH more appreciation for simple pleasures in life.

I, too, have down days and wonder if it's worth the struggle. Those days never last, and I am quickly reminded that I am blessed to learn all that I have learned from being an A and dealing with A's.

Once I started letting other people deal with their own issues, and learned how to ask for support when I needed it, life got a whole lot better.

Have you tried al-anon? The support here is awesome, but a lot of people need some f2f support (and hugs), too.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

fndngserenity

riaerif,

I sure understand how you feel. I think once you start your recovery you will see that it is also more than just recovering from past and current pains but also a new road headed towards personal growth. This road can take you as far as you want for as long as you want.
I too struggle with a painful childhood and just six months ago I wondered if I could ever recover. I had been in therapy for years yet the damage was still there. It was not until I started finding myself that the pain started to dissipate.
In time you will heal but in order to do that you are going to have to take a hard, long look inside which can sometimes mean stirring up ill and painful memories.
I can't tell you not to be sad because I know how easy it is to let our feelings overtake us but one thing I have learned about all the bad experiences I've lived through is that it has made me a very kind, considerate, loving and wonderful person who is very appreciative of life. My new understanding of my life has me believing that it wasn't that God didn't love me but that he wanted me to build strength, learn patience and have faith. That's part of how I was able to let go.....believing it happened for a greater reason.
But......I am now in a relationship with the most amazing man I have ever met BUT he is an addict I think God is back with that strength and faith building stuff again. I had lost touch with God for a while and I think this is his way of bringing me back to him.
Sorry, I know that was long, lol. But honestly, in answer to your question, let the road take you as far as you need or want to go.
Good luck!
Hugs

marle

I did not start recovery until I was 53 so you are far ahead of the game. Just think how much better your life will be if you stick to it. Sorry for the addiction that made you seek help, but glad that you are. Hugs, Marle

Troubledone

I think its the rare (very rare) family that doesn't have something to recover from.

I think the reason there are so many books about self-help, psychology, recovery, religion, philosophy, etc. is beause all of us humans are trying to figure out how to get along in this world with each other. Unfortunatley, some are becoming enlightened more quickly than others, so its a bit of a mess.

My opionon (I'm 53) - I hope to be recovering my whole life. I know I will never be perfect in my ablity love, show compassion, demonstrate wisdom, set healthy boundaries or many other virtues I aspire to. So the good news is that life will never be boring - there is much to learn and many wonderful people with whom to learn it.

My meditation for today was - There is an appointed time for everything and there is time for every purpose under heaven (Ecclesiasties). What this means to me is that I don't have to rush to recover and that I don't have to worry about when my addict figures it out - there is an appointed time. I just want to slow down enough that I can see the purpose in front of me to which my HP wants me to attend now, today.

Prayers for joy and wholeness.