littlebird77

From all the terrible things my addicted boyfriend has done to me. I have said some terrible things back to him. I am so ashamed and confused. It seems like the words I say stick to him. After him doing things such as pawning my jewelry, destroying my car, stealing a check, I have said to him that I hated him. I took it back and said that I hate the addict in him.... I am so confused. He is still human, he has a heart... but you know what? I have a hard time believing that he is clueless into the harm that he does and yet continues to do it... I have a hard time NOT hatting him.

I have said so many terrible things to him.

I have read so many books, so many meetings, and he does NOTHING. Yes, MAYBE that nothing is not doing drugs, but I have NO IDEA... If he did something, meetings, a job or something, maybe I would believe that all this sleeping he does is because he is tired from something other then the drugs I think he is taking. I am 31 and I want to have a family... I have become so poor from this man, with no money, no car and in debt... you and you know, I'm trying so hard not to hate HIM, because he has something to do with his addiction.

Callie

LB - I completely understand the hate thing. I too feel and have felt exactly the same way. Some of the things that have come out of my mouth are shocking to me. Things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. Things that are just not me or my nature.

Before finding SR and opening up to my family it was worse. I was/am so full of venom. I feel/felt like I was wound so tight and anything could set me off. I've never been one to lay in a pile and cry about things. I guess for myself I felt like my strong words in some twisted way meant that I was "standing" instead of "lying down" and taking it.

In some ways I feel like AH deserves every bit of my anger. He earned every feeling that I have expressed. But he too has a heart. In the end I think he knows that I truely don't hate HIM but I hate the ADDICT in him. Sometimes I wish that I could just be a normal human being and would have left long ago. The anger just builds and builds and builds until it explodes.

I too have read multiple books, spent hours upon hours in counseling with and without AH. I'm mad for that too - all of that energy and time wasted on addiction. I'm no help whatsoever in this post as I don't have the answer for you. But I wanted to let you know that I feel the same way at times.

endzoner

hows bout hateing the discese that he has and not him ? but he has to be accountable for his own actions too . and remember you can fix him unless he wants to be fixed ... thanks for sharing .. :codiepolice

marle

I, too, have said horrible things to my daughter. When she had a car accident because she was up all night doing drugs, I told her that I wished that she had died in the accident. For me, it all stems from fear. Fear of the pain, fear of what she was doing to herself and fear of where she was going. I learned to detach from the addict in her. But first I had to detach in anger. It was much later that I could feel the love and compassion for her. The only thing that guilt does is keeps you from doing what is right for you. Addiction is a horrible disease. Your guilt and feeling sorry for him only feeds the cycle that keeps us in the disease. What you are feeling, saying and doing is totally "normal" for someone dealing with addiction. It is okay to hate the person he is when he is in active addiction. Just don't let the guilt consume you. Hugs, Marle

Callie

Marle - HOW did you detach from the anger? I mean you see an addict doing all of these things in your OWN HOME on a daily basis. Messing up not only their lives, but our lives as well. How did you do that? Naranon, books, counseling? For me, NONE of that has helped. It may help as an afterthought - but I have not found the control to contain my tongue when he's still at it every day. When your AH fails you time after time consistantly - HOW can you NOT be mad? I mean anger is a natural response given the thing that addicts do - detaching from it is not for most people. KWIM? I'm genuinely curious - you seem to be much farther along in your recovery than I am. You seem to be more even keel in all of this than I am. I think part of it for me is that it takes a while for me to stand up for myself in any given situation - but when I do stand up for myself I DO NOT back down easily. That's just me. Thanks for your input! This is a great topic and one just another issue that I need to deal with in my own recovery.

Impurrfect

(((Littlebird)))

My dad said some pretty harsh things to me when I relapsed, one of them being "I hate you right now", but there were other, worse things. I knew he didn't hate me, or really mean the things he said. I had hurt him, scared him, and he had every right to lash out at me.

Don't get stuck on the guilt, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

scorpiogirl

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlebird77

After him doing things such as pawning my jewelry, destroying my car, stealing a check; I have become so poor from this man, with no money, no car and in debt

Aghghghghg!!! And you are with this man whyyyyy? Ahghghdghdghgh!!

I had a therapist once that said to me, "Why are you with this man"! And that man had 10 years of sobriety. She told me were worlds apart (and she outstetched her arms from side to side to make a point). That stuck with me and that was 17 years ago. This is your life. Is this the way you want to live?

Quote:

Originally Posted by littlebird77

I have read so many books, so many meetings, and he does NOTHING.... I am 31 and I want to have a family... ...

I agree with endzoner - you can't fix him or change him. I can't say it loud enough: :codiepolice

Look at the facts - you are 31 and wanting a family. Is he marriage/relationship material? Don't look at his potential. Look at what is really going on. I hope you don't put yourself in a position of feeling stuck (we're never stuck or trapped unless we want to me)....and wake up 10 years down the road and never did have those children. Sounds like your life is the 2nd half of the 1st step - Unmanageable.

jelloheadfred

i'm doing the same thing, my abf is clean for the moment, two weeks out of a 6 month program. he was selfish, self centered, spoiled, completely enabled by everyone, cared only about himself, but I KNEW somewhere under all the addiction ********, that SOMETHING was there. he was different with me, my soul saw something in his soul. he always seemed to have to touch me, and we talked a lot, we were so close. he was nasty to most everyone, except me. i blamed it all on the addiction, especially when he started getting froggy with me. i knew it was all the disease. i found my soul mate finally, and i loved him like i have never loved anyone in my life.

my track record for love is not good. first marriage, high school sweetheart, dated 5 years, married for 7, starting beating the crap out of me 8 months after we got married, got the balls to leave when he started breaking my bones. 2nd marriage, together 2 years, married for 8, physical contact stopped after about 2 yrs, sex stopped last 5 years of marriage, he said he was too old and fat and couldn't get it up, i learned to deal. he got hid headon by a semi on his way home from work one day, and was killed instantly. when the deputy coroner came to the house that morning to tell me, (i had stayed home from work myself, i knew something was wrong because he was so late) she made me go through his wallet to make sure everything was there. i told her i had no idea what should be in there, i have never looked in his wallet, his checkbook, or his mail, or bank statements or credit card statements etc. she made me anyway. and he had receipts in there from motel 6, and 2 from an escort service one for 650 and one for 175, so i know pretty much they weren't sitting around talking. several months later that place got busted for prostitution, it had been a 2 year investigation. i started looking through his things and he had been doing this once a month or more for about 6 years. which brings me to my current love, the love of my life.

what a crock of complete and utter crap i fed myself. i gave him everything, before rehab and during, did everything i could to make his stay in rehab comfortable so he wouldn't want to leave, visited every lousy weekend, which meant traveling 100 miles one way, gas, hotel for 3 days, 3 meals a day with snacks drinks, carton of smokes every week, $100 in his pocket every week, i rented a car every week, on top of giving his mom gobs of money to take care of his 2 kids, and i also have a child to take care of, and animals, and i have absolutely no family and not a soul to help me (not complaining here), and i'm also in recovery myself.

instead of being better to me he became pretty much indifferent, stopped holding my hand, stopped kissing me and hugging me almost completely, started biting my head off, became furious with me if i wasn't home or missed his phone call, always apologised said it was because he was in rehab, stressed him out because he worried, loved me so much, waited his whole life for someone like me, didn't know what he would do with out me. i just hired a lawyer for him, he has a few old cases to take care of, and so far i'm out 13,000 dollars, that's just the retainer.

he really had my number. not one person did a thing for him while he was there, except me, the poster freakin child for coda, and he couldn't even thank me at his graduation. he thanked his mom, his sister, his kids, the staff at rehab, the other residents..........does my stupidity and cluelessness make you want to barf yet? he pretty much ignores me except when he's hungry, or wants to go somewhere, i don't think i need to to go on here.

i just can't figure out why i'm letting this happen. i almost liked him better when he was using, at least he paid attention to me, and showed some affection. i threw him out last night, and can feel myself wavering already, he didn't mean it, he has a lot to deal with, trying to stay clean, he also is doing nothing for his sobriety, i keep trying to get him to go to meetings, he won't go, he just sleeps and watches tv, gets mad and talks mean to everyone. he looks more unhappy now than he ever did. i'm thinking maybe he just wasn't done yet and resents me because i am, and i'm happy about it

i didn't mean for this to be so long, but i don't have anyone to talk to anymore

Freedom1990

My seeming hatred towards the exAH was in reality my own self-hatred for becoming what I had become. My bar of standards was so low, no one could limbo under that one.

It wasn't until I walked away lock, stock and barrel that I finally started to live for myself, put my recovery first and foremost, and forgive self. It was only then that I was able to forgive him.

There are no medals for being a martyr. I learned that the hard way.

Today I refuse to let an addict control my life, and that includes both of my addicted daughters.

Today I choose not to be a victim.

splendra

and even if he wants to be fixed he is still the one who has to fix him

BBD

Callie, Can I ask you one thing?? Why do you want to stay attached to an addict?? Unless he wants to get clean he never will and you'll watch the years roll by and get even more bitter. I don't mean this to sound harsh but you have some soul searching to do. How much anger, resentment and HATE do you want to put into this relationship. I know its hard to split but he has it make with you there taking care of him and not realizing what he is really doinf to this relationship alone the way. If I knew all I do now~~~I could have helped my son alot faster...please be smart!! Hugs, Bonnie

BBD

My thread was meant for littlebird and Callie~~~~~sorry!!

outtolunch

Forget about the addiction part, for a moment. He has pawned your jewelry, destroyed your car and stole a check.

And you are the one feeling terrible for things you have said.......

I don't even know you but I believe you deserve to treat yourself better than you are.

devastated

I can understand the "hate" thing too. I also know that it is the disease that turns our loved ones into these monsters.

I wouldn't beat myself up about saying "mean" things back to him though. I think it is a natural reaction when we are so stressed out. Besides, don't fear because they don't hear one word we say anyway. LOL

They earned the "mean" talk, don't you agree?

Hugs, Devastated

baxter

The ONLY things my AD seems to remember is the "mean" things I've said. I've never said anything really nasty but it's a good thing she can't read my mind. I think she chooses to only remember them to give her a justified feeling in using her drugs. More words of love and encouragment have come out of my mouth but I may as well have been talking to a wall.

I look back over the years I wasted being in relationships with two AH's and I just want to tell others, GO. Life is too short and while I, too, thought I had found my "soulmate" the absolute "loves of my life" it was short-lived and I was stuck for years wondering what I did wrong and trying to get myself out of it.

Callie

BBD - my ah has 30 days clean. I was talking in the past tense I guess with my anger. You are completely right that it has to come from him.

I'm finding out that my AH is a completely different person when he's clean. That actually brings anger towards MYSELF for not knowing or seeing that he was using drugs. My struggle right now is that I STILL carry the extreme resentment/anger at times. It is not at all on the surface like it was before, but it is still there. All the years and years of lies, deceit, etc. I've been thinking of starting a new thread with those feelings but I haven't put them together yet.

hopingicanhelp

well i can honestly say that i know where your coming from, although i know that saying those things usually just puts them in an even worse place that makes them want to do drugs even more so. Its hard tho, on us to not lash back with what goes through our head after they do what they do to us, whether it be saying awful things, do the drugs, spending our/their money, and the lies. the only thing that gets me through it is that my b/f wants to change is ways, and is taking steps to make it happen. we use to be at a point where he quit his job to assure that i wasn't cheating on him, which i thought for a moment was good b/c w/ no money no drugs, and that actually worked b/c he would never steal from me, never has, and never will, and i know that. however, then i was supporting him, and being his mom/babysitter., now he's back to work, and about to get promoted, he has a rough time w/ trust and he's slipped twice in the past 3 months. his drug of choice is cocaine, specifically crack. its hard, even though he's honest after, but he wants change, and really does try hard to change so i am staying by his side. i'd say if he has no effort, job, want or need to do better than he needs a wake up call, he has to at least want a better life to be able to succeed. i dunno, good luck.

BayAreaPhoenix

My AH could bring out anger and rage in me that I never knew existed and has never come up in any other situation in my life (thank goodness). I have beat myself up, felt bad, knowing that I could have done better, I could have been the "bigger" person, etc. But, you know what? I'm human too. I'm not perfect. Sometimes I lashed out, said things, reacted in ways that I might wish I had done differently - but, I didn't consciously LIE to my husband on a daily basis (like he did), I didn't tune him out and turn away from him to porn and pills daily (like he did), etc...

I'm not saying that it excuses any of my own mistakes, but now, with the new tools I've learned, I know that given the same set of circumstances, I have learned better ways to deal with a situation like this (altho hopefully never again), and at least I learned from my mistakes. I'm not perfect. I don't want to be perfect, and I forgive others easily for a lot more than I ever did. Now, I forgive myself too.