savingmaggie

My ABH called me this morning screaming in pain. He could not bend enough to go to the bathroom. He was in extreme pain even though he was prescribed morphine for what they thought was a pulled muscle in his groin area. I tried to pull together his "friends" to help out but with no luck. I decided to take him to hospital.

After 9 hours they admitted him with cellulitis. He is currently in serious condition as I write this. I took his credit card and went and bought him what he needed to stay for a few days instead of heading to his place. I also found someone to take care of his animals on the farm...I did what I could and left and went home,,,,my home...

While all this was going on my 28 year old son called me and he was mad....he said you will do all this for him and 2 weeks from now he will be treating you like ****....I told him that my resolve remains the same but this was a medical emergency....otherwise I would not be involved...

Is this a form of codependency? How then should I have reacted? I know that the day he is discharged he will be back to drinking....he will not find me there for him...and he is in denial...no doubt about it....but I do stand firm in what I will take and not take....I just did not know what else to do at that moment when he was seriously ill....


I just need experience to guide me and I admire the wisdom of this site,,,thank you for your input

GiveLove

I don't know what I would have done in your situation, Maggie. Probably the same, or some variation of it.

You have to decide for yourself, though, how long you're going to do this. It is not your doing that he does not have family close by, nor friends whom he's treated well enough to be loyal to him in times like these. How long do you want to be enslaved to a man who will continue to get worse and worse and worse, healthwise?

Now that you're through the crisis, from YOUR perspective at least, you can sit down and make yourself a plan for what to do next time, or what to tell him when he's out of the hospital about whether/how much you're going to be willing to do next time.

He is a grown man who has burned his bridges. You did not do this. Being clear about who he should call next time might be a good thing.

(Why did he not call an ambulance? Why were YOU his ambulance?
Why is it your job to take care of his needs? What did you coming to his rescue tell him about how to handle the next time this happens? These are questions you should think about)

Take a deep breath, and move on with your own life....
Hugs,
GL

YellowRed

Yours is a realy tough question - who knows how I would have handled it - however mush one is rying to detach it's really hard if you think there is a medical emergency. If you'd called an ambulance, what would have happened then (instead of taking him yourself)? Did you need to go the extra mile and get him the "things he needed to stay for a few days"? Organising his farm?

It's probably a good time to stake stock of the situation and think about where you want to go with your life, as well as how much being in this situation is affecting other people 9not just yourself) - think about how obviously worried your son is about you?

Big hugs - I'm sure this has been mega-stressful. Just look after yourself.

Learning how

You had a hard situation ... medical emergency, animals that needed care... I don't know what I would have done. I think you have drawn the line at saying you will not be there to help after the hospital stay. That is a first step. Also I think you need to think of some sort of plan / or response for in the future so he can't keep pulling you back in.
Sounds like your son is worried about you, maybe he sees things more clearly as he is not as close to the A as you are.
Take care

laurie6781

I look at it this way when I look at my own actions.

Is this something I would have done for anyone who was suffering and in pain, if yes then it is not enabling, if no then it is enabling.

I think, as you are a 'kind hearted giving person' you would have done the same thing for a friend, a neighbor, or a co-worker, so in this instance, it was obviously not enabling. Now, running everyday to the hospital or getting him things will become enabling.

You got him there, you say your resolve is strong, so hang in there. He has good care now and is not your problem.

You did know what to do when he was seriously ill, you got him to the hospital, GOOD FOR YOU.

Now you can go back to your OWN LIFE, knowing you were a 'good samaritan.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,

kermit

I agree with Laurie 100%!

Mair

I agree with Laurie too. I did the exact same thing with my xab, be very very careful how you play this. I ended up running to the hospital every day for my xab when he fell ill with plurecy, it's a natural thing for us codies to do. On the day he came out he went to pub. I ended up feeling angry, stupid and he carried on as normal.

Be tough with yourself on this one, and know that you have done enough, and please dont feel any sort of guilt.

Mair