I need advice re-as birthday
I need advice re-as birthday
My son is having a birthday soon and I am feeling a bit emotional about it. I remember the day he was brought into this world and all of the high hopes and joy I had.
I realize this is more about me, not the birthday itself. I would love to hear from others who have felt this way and how to deal with it.
Thanks for letting me share, Stef
I realize this is more about me, not the birthday itself. I would love to hear from others who have felt this way and how to deal with it.
Thanks for letting me share, Stef
aww Steph,
I know how you feel, we kind of catch ourselves looking backwards and thinking of how little and sweet they were, and what high hopes we had, then PLUNK, addiction happens.
Maybe try to remember that your son's H.P. has a wonderful plan all set for your son, we just don't have a clue as to what it is...yet.
Hugs, from one mom to another..........
I know how you feel, we kind of catch ourselves looking backwards and thinking of how little and sweet they were, and what high hopes we had, then PLUNK, addiction happens.
Maybe try to remember that your son's H.P. has a wonderful plan all set for your son, we just don't have a clue as to what it is...yet.
Hugs, from one mom to another..........
Lots of hugs Steph...I think I understand how you are feeling. I have found so much for me is about perspective. Both my children were touched by addiction. Sadly my youngest did not make it and on her birthday I try instead of dwelling on the what may have beens, to rejoice in the celebration of the 19 short years we had with her and all the love and joy she brought to me. Her sister is in recovery...her birthday reminds me that despite addiction, she has battled this disease and has grown to a most incredible young lady who is even more talented and compassionate and bright and loving than the young woman she was before active addiction hit.
It has helped me to realize the choice is mine - dwell in the negative and feeling a victim, which hasn't really gotten me anywhere, or find the things to be grateful for. Despite pain and sadness, I know when I seek out gratitude, I find a brighter light.
Much love and light.
It has helped me to realize the choice is mine - dwell in the negative and feeling a victim, which hasn't really gotten me anywhere, or find the things to be grateful for. Despite pain and sadness, I know when I seek out gratitude, I find a brighter light.
Much love and light.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
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Hi Stef~~ Just another mother here to offer you hugs and hope on your sons birthday. I know how you feel and its so out of our hands now. That part is still hard for me. I still wonder~~how did we get here and what did I miss. I try to stay in My "codie recovery" and do what is good for me so when my son's b'day rolls around I invite him for dinner and make it a good day. If he declines thats up to him.. Smiles, Bonnie
Dear Stephanie: I hear you and sympathize. My AS birthday is 9/25- he will be 23 years old. Currently is rehab after back to back DUI's and waiting for an opening at a sober living house. Doing well in rehab but his addiction seems so extreme I am so afraid he will not make it.
I got him a long sleeve T shirt and some khaki pants for his birthday. I don't know what we will do to "celebrate" though. Things seems awful dark for celebrating.
I feel just like you do- I remember so clearly my son so clean and new and shiny. It's just heartbreaking. While he was in jail for the 2nd DUI for three days I felt so awful- like he had died or something. We couldn't bail him out even if we wanted to as we were out of state on vacation (some "vacation" that turned out to be!). We knew he was arrested as the police called to tell me he crashed one of our vehicles and it was impounded. His Uncle called my cell and said my son called him 18 times in one night from jail and he didn't answer because he didn't know what to tell him. We said "Leave him there" and boy- that was hard.
I felt like I was not protecting my child but then I realized that I HAVE protected him and now it's time for him to pick up where we left off and protect himself.
How old will your son be?
I got him a long sleeve T shirt and some khaki pants for his birthday. I don't know what we will do to "celebrate" though. Things seems awful dark for celebrating.
I feel just like you do- I remember so clearly my son so clean and new and shiny. It's just heartbreaking. While he was in jail for the 2nd DUI for three days I felt so awful- like he had died or something. We couldn't bail him out even if we wanted to as we were out of state on vacation (some "vacation" that turned out to be!). We knew he was arrested as the police called to tell me he crashed one of our vehicles and it was impounded. His Uncle called my cell and said my son called him 18 times in one night from jail and he didn't answer because he didn't know what to tell him. We said "Leave him there" and boy- that was hard.
I felt like I was not protecting my child but then I realized that I HAVE protected him and now it's time for him to pick up where we left off and protect himself.
How old will your son be?
Stefanie, I always thought that when my daughter turned 21 we would have a big celebration. The year she turned 21 she was deep in her addiction and I had not seen her for 2 months. That year I just sent a text message saying "Happy Birthday". This year she turned 22 and I did the same. Text messaged her a "Happy Birthday". This birthday I had not seen her for 5 months. I thought that if things kept going this way that next year I could say I had not seen in a year. But she went to rehab and has almost 4 months clean and I have hope that next year I can say that she has been in my life for a year. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I want to give you the message that things can and do change. There is hope. Maybe next year you will be celebrating his birthday with him and he will be clean. Hugs and prayers, Marle
Stefanie
Birthdays are always hard -
All I can add is that what we hope for them on their birthday is sometimes something they don't have the capacity to take in. So I do what will make me feel as though I commemorated the occassion in the best way possible, trying to let go of any expectations. (easy to say, hard to do)
Then I just pray a little that someday I'll be able to celebrate my niece's birthday with her when she's actually there (not the distracted, empty shell that shows up most of the time).
After that I grieve a little and then try to get back to my life.
Prayers that you are able to do something that will bring you peace.
Birthdays are always hard -
All I can add is that what we hope for them on their birthday is sometimes something they don't have the capacity to take in. So I do what will make me feel as though I commemorated the occassion in the best way possible, trying to let go of any expectations. (easy to say, hard to do)
Then I just pray a little that someday I'll be able to celebrate my niece's birthday with her when she's actually there (not the distracted, empty shell that shows up most of the time).
After that I grieve a little and then try to get back to my life.
Prayers that you are able to do something that will bring you peace.
Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom. I have been thinking about the past recently,
and I treasure the times I had with my exah and our children. I dont want to regret or feel bitter about it. I am trying to sort out my feelings on all of this, its been hard to look at old pictures..we were a very happy family for a long time. Then addiction destroyed it.
I do have hopes for my son-almost 22- and I have to find a way to look forward and accept what the situation is now, in a positive way. Sorry to ramble!
and I treasure the times I had with my exah and our children. I dont want to regret or feel bitter about it. I am trying to sort out my feelings on all of this, its been hard to look at old pictures..we were a very happy family for a long time. Then addiction destroyed it.
I do have hopes for my son-almost 22- and I have to find a way to look forward and accept what the situation is now, in a positive way. Sorry to ramble!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
My AD just turned 20 this past Wednesday. I was conflicted as to whether to even acklnowledge the birthday, since she had signed herself out of a rehab just a few days prior. People here told me to do what felt best to me - so I decided to call to wish her a happy birthday. But then, her abusive controlling boyfriend was playing games with her phone again and i wasn't even able to do that. One thing, though: I was comforted by the thought that she did make it to age 20 in spite of her addiction and that where there is life there is hope. I really try hard not to dwell on the past when she was just this great kid who had the world in front of her. It's just askng for suffering and pain to think about that. All that I have is today; she is struggling with a terrible disease, is sick, but is alive and maybe she will be in recovery by her next birthday! maybe your son will be too - you never know. Then we will all be celebrating!
Another mom here offering hugs,
My RAD turned 23 this summer... it was a lovely day.
This was the first time in many years that we really celebrated one of my addicted children's birthdays...
and it was so nice.
My AS turned 21 this spring... not much to celebrate... but some day - maybe
:ghug3
My RAD turned 23 this summer... it was a lovely day.
This was the first time in many years that we really celebrated one of my addicted children's birthdays...
and it was so nice.
My AS turned 21 this spring... not much to celebrate... but some day - maybe
:ghug3
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