blessed4x

For those of you who have watched the death of your marriage, and made it through to stronger, healthier places, I would like to know how you dealt with your grief in the midst of it? I think my marriage has been on a downhill slope for quite a while, but bringing that out of denial has been tough. Now that I am aware and have acknowledged it to the rest of the world I can't just sit on it any longer. I know the feelings I have are "normal stages of grief"....vacilating between anger, bargaining, and sadness. But what I'd like to hear are stories from those of you that have been in the trenches. I'd like to know that this will pass.....and some affirmation that I'm not so different from the rest of you all. I have 4 kids that are depending on me, and they don't deserve an alcoholic father AND depressed, emotionally unavailable mom.

denny57

Al-Anon helped me a lot with this - I BELIEVED things would be better at the end of the road and just kept going, one day at a time. Believing that did not make my days all sunshine and flowers, far from it - there were lots of tears, second guessing, self doubt. But there was a comfort in the faith all would be well.

I also stuck to routines that took care of me - I saw my family doctor once a month; my therapist once a week; I participated on SR; I reached out to friends and kept myself in the world of the living. I also had one particular friend who was there for me when I needed to talk during those dark middles of the night.

((( )))

Pajarito

I'm still dealing with it. I cry- and allow it, because I want to feel and get through it- not stuff it. I journal, I talk to friends and family, I go to meetings when I can. I also do things to get out and enjoy life with dd and others. If I had the choice I would probably spend a lot of time wallowing, but I'm too busy. I also go to counseling- a huge help!!! I like what denny said about believing things would get better. I have to remember that when I feel so sad. Things were not getting better with STBXAH- they were getting worse. I also try to remember I have the choice to do fun things, to take care of myself. I didn't have a choice when it came to STBXAH. He was doing what he wanted to do and it was extremely hard to live with. I felt like all I was doing was hanging on and reacting to his chaos. At least now I know what I can do and what I can expect more or less from day to day. . . (((Hang in there)))

Barbara52

I think I had worked through a great deal of the mourning and grief before I left my xAH. I had 2 yrs (of a 4 yr marriage at that point) that were nothing but hell really. Once I admitted that my xAH was using me to sit on his behind and not work, was emotionally unavailable, was doing nothing to meet my needs, I also realized the love was gone and the marriage was dead. Perhaps becasue I admitted I no longer loved him, I did not go through much mourning of the relationship itself. It was never really there. I did go through feeling of failure and shame that I had screwed up in my choice of husband (this was my second marriage) but I was so relieved to be out of it and start getting back to being the real me and a peaceful life that I didn't really have a mourning period.

I do know that time, healing and self examination has brought me to where I am now, that I am a healthier person for having gone thru that marriage that led me to the necessary self examination I would not have gone thru.

blessed4x

Thank you for your replies. I guess "the only way out is through it", huh? It still hurts. Tonight we had to go to the basement for tornado warnings. My AH is out, and me in the kids were in the storage room in the basement when my 4 year old pulls an empty vodka bottle out of a box on the floor. Ouch. Just another reminder that I'm not crazy, and no matter how many rationalizations he has, he really is an alcoholic. Non-alcoholics don't hide fifths of vodka in Chrismas tree boxes do they? Yeah, I know the answer to that.....

prodigal

Yes, unfortunately it is. And it hurts. And we humans do everything we can to avoid it; however, life being what it is, hurt will find US. It is an inevitable part of living. I can't say that I've enjoyed being down in the pit of he!! myself, but in looking back, I realized I made it through every time. And I learned a little bit more about myself and (I hope!) life....

coyote21

[QUOTE=blessed4x;1906832] Hi,

I'm a divorced (3 times now!) dad that has been blessed with sole custody of my 7yo daughter. Her mom is still in the active throws of her alcholism.

It's only been 18 months now that it's been only the two of us. The time has litterly flown by.

If you'd have told me 18mths ago that you will lose your house, autos, your "stuff" marriage, and even your daughter for 5 mths, but you will be happier than you have ever been in all your 56 years, I'd have said you're CRAZY!

But it's true, I stopped protecting my grown alcholic wife and began to focus on protecting myself and most importantly, my daughter... and guess what? We are better that O.K., we are thriving.

I got me a higher power, I prayed every day and night to help me do the right thing.....for the first time in my life by the way, I was "sentenced" to alanon by a very wise CPS judge (she made judge Judy look like a pansy), I got sober for the first time in my life.

Some times I believe my little girl was sent to save me instead of the other way around. I'm a much better man now than I ever was before...hell I wasn't even a man before.

I love my life....just getting the active alcholism out from under my roof was the biggest change. You don't even begin to realize how bad things have become until you get a resbit.

The same judge kicked my wife out of our house, my higher power did for me what I couldn't do for myself.

CPS lady told me that if I allow my wife back home after rehab...and she relapses (97% do), that their next move would be to remove DD from BOTH of us.:wtf2 That was a no brainer for me.

Was it simple...give up trying to save someone who didn't want to be saved? Yes...but it wasn't easy.

Our kids need us, sane and happy. A year is really no time at all. You can do it.

Thanks and God bless us all,:ghug2
Coyote

mallowcup

If they were not inspired to stop drinking in the marriage, I had to at least consider that the marriage was contributing to the drinking, I came to believe that without the added stress of a relationship, maybe he would quit when he had nothing else to take care of but himself. Most of this was untrue but I only know that now.
The death of anything is very painful. You can't just skip over it.
I think of it as marital chemo. The disease kills everyone in the house, and the treatment is just like submitting to chemo, it kills you so you can be reborn again. It wipes you out and you build your self back up slowly.

YellowRed

I am going through this now and it is really tough. It is a bit like mourning. I spend my time on my children and myself. I work full time (oh yeah, enabler) and it's great to have that to focus on. Spending my time with my kids has been brilliant too (instead of worrying about the AH). It still sucks sometimes, but I feel confident the future will be better. You are not alone!! Hang in there and focus on the positive.

RosieM

Hi, I'm going through this too. I can really handle it as long as nothing else goes wrong - but as soon as something else crashes (for example, I had a horrible argument with my daughter in the middle of the hurricane last week) I go straight back to feeling awful. Spent this weekend reading, painting, sleeping - and think I will be able to hit it again on Monday with a better frame of mind. I suppose it all boils down to taking care of yourself, doing what you need to do to give yourself the strength to keep going. I really do like feeling good more than feeling bad. I think I'm the only one who can get myself there.

TooMuch4TooLong

Like Barbara I knew that my marriage was not a marriage before I left. It's not that at times I don't have my moments because I do. I know in my heart that I could not allow my daughter or myself to live with that kind of insanity anymore and that if I did I was just as sick as him.

This is the first weekend since I left that we haven't been moving or cleaning out the old house. I don't really know what to do with myself and I'm kind of bored! I got so used to being cooped up on the weekend that now that I can go and do what ever I want I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that my car is running like crap but I think next weekend I will take the dog to the dog park, take the girlie to the beach and the boardwalk. Just get out of the house again and have some fun where I am not in a state of panic because of his drinking and what might happen. I would rather kick back here and be able to read a book and talk to my friends then go back to that. Take care of your self and take care of your babies, the rest will take care of it self.

Mair

I used to feel guilty and beleived that i was going backward instead of forward when i got upset or when i had these overwhelming urges to call my ex, when missing him was so powerful it physically hurt. Sometimes it still does, ive not seen him since Jan and some days i can cry for Wales!!!

But i realise now that it's part of the course, youve got to go through the greiving process to come out the other side. and things do get better in their own time, but sometimes it feels like it's taking way to long.

Take care of yourself and your family as you go through the tornado season.

Mair

kingston

I too am going thru this. I left my AH just over a month ago. The first couple of weeks were hell but each day it does get better. I keep focussing on what I have to do for myself, journaling most mornings, walking with my choc lab Kingston, reading especially Women Who Love Too Much, hanging out with positive and supportive people all contribute to me feeling better about me.

Do I have bad days? You betcha I do, I have to stop those incredible feelings of wanting to call him, to check up on him, to yell at him, to send him nasty emails, etc. One of the worst feelings I am dealing with now is what I have come to believe is rejection, I found out he has been seeing someone, last thing I expected him to do. The fact that he went to someone else when I was there all the time "helping" and supporting him (financially too) has hurt me in a huge way. Sometimes I feel like such a looser because I did stick by him and believed him and believed in him.

But he's an addict and that's what addicts too. So, I'm not talking, seeing, emailing him, nothing, no contact. I'm trying hard not to ask about him too but again it's difficult but I keep trying.

I keep telling myself I will make it and I will be a far happier and contented person. Most of the time I believe this the rest of the time, well I fake it till I make it to that space.

We all know it's a process and we are all sharing in it. It sucks but you know what, at the end of the day it's worth it.

Keep hanging around here and sharing, SR people are the greatest. Baby steps, stay strong - K.

Silverberry1331

Hi Blessed,

I deal with the grief one moment at a time. You have to work through it. It is the only way it will resolve itself. I see it in this sense: Our HP created us to sense things. If we didn't feel, we couldn't survive. If our stomachs didn't growl, we wouldn't eat. If our throats didn't feel dry, we wouldn't drink. If we didn't have harmones, we wouldn't reproduce If we have a cut and it didn't sting, we wouldn't tend to it and it would not heal. So are the matters of the heart. The grief, the pain in our heart is similar. It requires our attention, and thus allows us to cleanse ourselves. We cry. We reflect. We soothe ourselves. Ultimately, we arrive to a better place and our heart and soul heals. It is not pleasant, but just like you would not ignore your thirst or your hunger, you can't ignore the grieving process...It is best to go through it and come out the other side. Even on a map, the best route is the direct one. When we go around, it takes longer to arrive, and sometimes we get lost along the way. Remember the last step in the healing cycle is acceptance (which brings peace). That is your destination.

I am going through this process now, so I understand where you are. My prayers are with you. :praying