lostgirl89

So, today's paper reads:
Virgo.....You might be impatient with a partner today or vice versa. Arguements can easily arise. That's because some radical changes are probably taking place in your closest relationship.


Well the day started off with a yelling match....it's getting really ugly...and I dont even care at this point....ive shut off all my emotions...Im done....boy a nice bottle of red wine sounds nice about now....but no not really....sleep...now that would rock my world right now!!!

Im going to a doctor on tuesday to "find out whats wrong with me....your body is probably telling you that you need a hysterectomy"...quote from mr. wonderful if you hadnt guessed.... iF THE doctor cant make me have sex with him, then what??/ Hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm?????

Happy Friday...
xoxoxoxoxo, Rach

scorpiogirl

Why do you want sex with someone you're "done" with? Sounds like your life is unmanageable (step 1) and you need to be restored to sanity (step 2).

Hope you can sort through this and see what it really is you want for you and your life. You have only one life to live, is this the way you want to live it? You can't change him yet, you can change you and your circumstances.

Good luck to you.

Horselover

((((lostgirl89)))) What do you like to do that makes you happy? I think you need to do something nice for yourself. I hate when the day starts with an argument.

Anna

Lostgirl,

You need to be true to yourself.

I think, for me, that's the bottom line of recovery.

lostgirl89

it's been sooo long since I did anything that I wanted to do that i dont even know what I like...or what I want...this business was his idea, everything we do is things that he did before me....Ive always been the girl's mom, or his wife...I dont know who I am....or what makes me happy....I buy clothes that he likes...wear my hair like he likes....
who the H.ell am I????
How do I be true to me, when Im just a drunk???

adore79

Hi Rachael. Your predicament reminds me of times in the past when I would put in notice at work and for the next two weeks I couldnt stand the job at all, I knew I was leaving soon and I didnt want to be there, I knew that that job should be a distant memory yet I was still stuck, and miserable. I think people call it "short-timers syndrome." It kinda sounds from your last few posts that you have kinda given up on your marriage (forgive me if Im wrong), and you have short-timers syndrome. Also, you have said that you are not in a position yet to leave the marriage. This sounds like a frustrating way to live, and my heart aches for you. I would seriously consider seeing a councillor to talk this stuff out with. Thinking of you.

Anna

Lostgirl,

I felt exactly the way you do.

I completely lost myself doing everything for everyone, being what everyone wanted me to be. At the end, there was nothing left, but a shell of a person.

I had to reconnect with my spiritual side, with my soul. I HAD to find some reason to keep going and some purpose in life. I turned to books and found my answers.

You are NOT just a drunk. You are a person and you can rebuild your life.

Horselover

You are not just a drunk! No way!! You are not just the girls' mom or his wife. I don't know your real name, but you are your own person and there was a time that you had definite interests and passions. It may take some time to remember what they were, but you will. There are many moms, me included, that felt just like you. We lose are identity sometimes when we become mothers, but we regain it, hopefully, in time.

What did you like to do when you were younger? What were your favorite ways of passing time? Think back to childhood if you have to. You can remember, but you have to clear away all the negative emotions for a bit and relax. Take a bath or a walk to clear your head. You can become happy once again.

lostgirl89

Felly's right...Ive been doing just enough to keep my head above water and that's about it....maybe i should try harder, but Im tired....ive used every excuse in the book not to finish this marriage....the kids, money, the business.....im sooo scared to jump out on my own, I dont have the confidence, so I make him mad and then backpeddle to try and fix it for a while longer....over and over and over.... obviously that's not working for me.... I thought getting sober would fix everything....but that's a big NO!!!!!
Im just plain scared...Im 37 now, Ive lived in my dad's house, or his, and never on my own...married 18 years.... all we have is debt....and 3 teenage daughters...I dont want to upset them....so I resigned myself to going thru the motions so as not to rock the boat....and now that's not working...so now what????
Im sorry for being so pathetic.... Im the woman I swore i'd never become, how sad is that???? and I didnt even know it till it was too late...
Anyone have any chocolate???? it's that or sit in the corner in cry, but Im too tired for that...ugh....
xooxoxoxo, Rach