Shameless pleas for support, thoughts, anything!

Old 09-12-2008, 06:51 AM
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Unhappy Shameless pleas for support, thoughts, anything!

I haven’t posted here for a while, but I stop in and read often. Short background, my 23 year old son is an addict (heroin is his doc). He was pretty deep into the addiction for over a year … shooting, stealing, etc. but a little over a year ago his AGF started in the methadone clinic and he got clean. Well, I can’t say he was ever really clean because he would use her methadone and I suspect still used the heroin sporadically.

Anyway, a few months ago he relapsed for a couple of weeks. I could tell right away just by his behavior, money being spent with nothing to show for it, etc. but the real topper was when I saw a needle in his room. Long story short he finally got financial assistance from the state and joined the methadone clinic also. He quit the heroin but still smoked pot regularly. I know pot is still a drug, but after seeing what heroin did to his life and ours, and due to the fact that I smoked when I was younger also, I was ok with it….stupid I know, but I was just so happy he wasn’t shooting drugs into his veins..kwim? Problem is, he is on probation and is due to attend a hearing on October 1st which will probably entail taking a drug test…takes 30 days for pot to leave the system so he quit smoking. Which brings us to our new drama filled situation. He discovered that if he takes xanax, it kicks his methadone up a notch and he can get ‘high’ without smoking pot and can get the xanax out of his system in 3 days or so, plenty of time to get clean pee before his test. God, typing this out reminds me just how screwed up the mind of an addict is. Apparently, they drug test you at the clinic but don’t kick you out if you test dirty for anything other than heroin. They just ‘counsel’ you about it…whatever.

What I really came here to say/ask is after the last week of him being high to the point that he can barely talk and is just high ALL the time, I told him this morning that he needs to seriously think about getting himself some real help, in a real rehab facility because I just can’t live with watching him like this anymore. It’s stressing me out so very much and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a nightmare every time I walk into my home. I told him he needed to either get help and get clean for real, or find another place to live. I have NEVER told him anything like this before and it broke my little codie heart to do it. His response was…if I move out and live with ‘his friend’ I’ll probably end up dead. Lovely….

Update….As I was typing this he called me and told me that he put in an emergency call to his counselor and told him what has been going on. He supposedly told her about the xanax,etc. and how we have been arguing/fighting etc. He asked her if she thought it was a good idea for him to move out and stay with a friend that is also in the clinic and trying to stay clean from heroin. She told him that it would be the best thing for all of us…apparently me pressuring him about the drugs triggers him to use and none of this is healthy for any of us… ya think? I asked him if this is such a good idea, why did he tell me that he would be dead if he stayed with this person just this morning. He admitted that he said that to make me feel bad, and that he’s an a**hole for saying it. Well, so that’s where it stands at this point I guess…he will be moving out to stay with this person who is in the methadone program, but has other mental health issues also. He asked me if he would be able to come home when he gets clean and can produce a clean drug test for me…I told him of course he can..

So why do I still feel sick to my stomach and helpless…I did really good back when he was doing heroin as far as giving it up to his HP and trusting in my God that he would take care of him in ‘His’ time and in “His’ way. Now I just feel back to square one in my own recovery.

BTW, I prayed all night long that my HP would guide me into doing/saying the right thing to my AS. And telling him to get help or leave was what came to me by morning…I’m hoping it’s the right thing. Although I will admit when he was sleeping this morning I saw his bottle of pills and stole ½ of them. Why? I have no idea, just to know that that is three less he will put in his body I suppose… Messed up huh? Thinking about taking a part of one myself to calm my insides down…
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Old 09-12-2008, 07:33 AM
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First of all, don't take any xanax. Then you'll be doing exactly what he's doing...numbing your feelings as a way to avoid them. It doesn't work.

I'm a recovering addict and a recovering codie. I think you, absolutely, did the right thing in telling him to get help or get out. He's 23 and old enough to face consequences of his using.

I also don't exactly believe that you pressuring him about drugs "triggers" him. When I got into recovery, my dad was always asking me if I was craving drugs. I'd tell him "gee thanks, dad, wasn't even THINKING about them 'til you brought it up!", but it never made me want to use. It was more of an annoyance. He didn't have to ask me long, though, because my ACTIONS showed him I was not using.

Do you go to al-anon or nar-anon? I think it would help you a lot to get some f2f support, although you will get lots of it here, too.

He's going to do what he's going to do...in your house, with a friend, in treatment. The best thing you can do is focus on you, and let him find his own way. If my family hadn't let me fall on my face, I would still be using, not with 18 months of recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-12-2008, 07:43 AM
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Thanks so much for your reply. I just love this forum and the wonderful people here. Don't worry, I won't take the xanax although numb sounds kinda good right now, I have work to do...

I don't know if I was triggering him or not, but I know he was/is stressing me out to the point where I could feel myself falling back into the depression/desperation/just all around feeling bad place I was when I first found out he was using. It isn't like I can't TELL that he is high...it's obvious to anyone except him. I'm hoping his counselor was right though and this will be the best thing for all of us. It just hurts to see him this way and it's hard for a mom to let go and let God even though I know that's what I have to do. He wants me to make an appointment to talk to his counselor, I might do that.

No, I haven't done any of the meetings or anything, maybe if I do meet with his counselor she can recommend some for me.

Thanks again, it helps to know I'm not alone....
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Old 09-12-2008, 07:55 AM
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(((Hurt)))
Hi neighbor
If your like me, the thing thats getting to you is the fact that you gave him a choice, clean or out, and he chose out. Maybe his plan is a good one, but the fact remians that he chose "out" over 'clean".
I deal with a very similar situation. When my son (same age) is staying at my home, I assume by his behavior that he's clean. When he diappears for various reasons (that he claims) my heart tells me why.
He's following the rules of my home, but that doesn't remove the reality. I struggle with that often.
Hang in there...
(((Hugs)))
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Old 09-12-2008, 08:03 AM
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I was so hopeful that the methadone and the counseling he received at the clinic was his turning point. Oh well, who am I to say what his HP's plan is...maybe he needs to fall a little further without me there to pick him up. I can't help but be afraid he will OD or something though. But, and I know this sounds terrible, but if that happens I would rather not be there to see it.

Is it wrong of me to wish that he would have been able to keep smoking pot and then perhaps he wouldn't have turned to the xanax? No need to answer that, I already know the answer...ugh, I'm almost as sick as he is...lol
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Old 09-12-2008, 08:04 AM
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If your like me, the thing thats getting to you is the fact that you gave him a choice, clean or out, and he chose out.
Funny thing is, I knew before I said it what his choice would be. Even though he talked about getting help and going away to a 'real' rehab, I think I knew (know) that as long as he was comfortable at home that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
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Old 09-12-2008, 10:46 AM
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This is truly making me sick to my stomach...how to just turn off the 'mom' in me that wants to make him all better. It's so frustrating that he can't see how he looks to other people. He thinks because he 'feels good' from the xanax that he looks fine.

Oh, and I found out where he has been getting them. From this kid that lives right up the street who has been to the house a few times (that I know of). If he knocks on my door again I want to tell him to "take his drugs and turn around...I know you are selling them (don't know who or how he gets them) and I know where you live, don't think I won't call the police on you."

And just another thing that makes me see how wide spread this heroin epidemic is spreading in our area. My AS ran into a son of one of our close friends yesterday who proceeds to tell AS that he is on his way to the Suboxone dr. and maybe the Methadone clinic soon. He's been doing Oxy's for three years and in the last few months started snorting heroin. He asked AS to please not tell his Dad, and when AS told me he asked me not to either. Should I?

You know, I have a terrible feeling about this generation of my AS's. He has like no friends left because he quit hanging around with the one's that use when he went to the clinic, that left one...the one he will be moving in with. What is in store for the future of our world? When I was a teen (many moons ago) I never even heard of heroin being around...and I wasn't a sheltered teen, did my share of experimenting. Heroin was something the hippies did back in the day...now I guess it's the 'day' again.

Have I mentioned that I HATE DRUGS AND ADDICTION!
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Old 09-12-2008, 10:57 AM
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Just read the 12 step study thread...boy I needed that. Time to work on Step 1...

My Hubby and I are going away for a couple of days this weekend, it will be such a relief to be gone and will give me time to work on that first step away from the chaos and reminders.
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Old 09-12-2008, 03:58 PM
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I'm sorry...reading back through my posts I realize I'm just rehashing stuff I learned before. I guess I just wanted reassurance that I did the right thing, and I think the two that posted to me with all my heart for doing that..
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Old 09-12-2008, 04:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post

I also don't exactly believe that you pressuring him about drugs "triggers" him. Amy

An addiction counselor told me that an addict will rationalize using and blaming friends and family for putting pressure on them is #1 on the hit list, followed by, "I can't find my socks, right now".
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Old 09-12-2008, 05:59 PM
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you are doing the right thing. let him go or be dragged. look after you & leave the addict to himself. it is hard being the mom. i am a mom of an addict son also. prayers for you both,
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Old 09-12-2008, 07:22 PM
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I know for sure that if we could love our addicts into recovery, no one would be on this board. Probably the easiest rule of thumb dealing with an addicted child is that if it feels normal, don't do it. The desire to shelter, protect and help that comes with being a mom is behavior that simply helps the addict to continue to use because he has a soft landing. Really tough to come to terms with the fact that the kind and loving acts we do could result in further progression of the disease, isn't it?

The thing that helped me most and actually helped my kids too was to work my own program. It helped me return to some level of sanity...to stop being an anxious mess and to stop drawing lines in the sand that my daughters would cross, only for me to draw a new line.

I haven't seen this expression on here recently but it is so true...Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Meetings and working a 12 step program helped me find my own recovery. My kids had to find their own. But both actually felt better and carried less guilt that they wanted to numb when they saw that I was doing better.

Hope you can find a face to face Alanon or Naranon meeting - Just google the names and you will find a website with meeting locations.

The last thing I wanted to share was that I have learned I need to keep working my program. If I stop because things are good, I slip back to old habits. And the truth is, I love the growth I have experienced and the peace and spirituality I have found. So I want to keep working my program. And I am grateful too that my daughter wants to keep working her's as well. Mom to mom hugs...You made a good choice. HP has him.
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Old 09-12-2008, 08:02 PM
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Good for you! My BF's mom and I went to our first NA meeting tonight and it was really great. I felt pain and worry but I left there feeling better. Every step I take towards my recovery hurts, sometimes like he!! but then after....I feel just a little bit better.
What you've done is huge. You set YOUR boundaries and you stuck with them - that is a huge thing. I also started one on one substance abuse counseling to help me recover from being and enabler and a codependent. Of course I cried and cried. My fears are like yours and many others on here. I fear of "losing" him completely, either from an overdose or because he gives up and commits suicide. It is a very haunting and scary thing to think about. But like my new friends at NA reminded us tonight.......we have to "let go" and let God do his job. If it gets to the point where he is warning us of his suicide thoughts, call 911.
It is really inspiring to see people doing what you are doing. It gives me hope that I can beat this and maybe even he can beat this. They talked to us a lot tonight about the different ways we were enabling him and not realizing it.
Thanks for posting and keep us updated, we are all here to listen and give you all the support we can.

Hugs and Prayers!!
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Old 09-12-2008, 08:15 PM
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Hurting...
I wanted to add to what I posted earlier...

While I felt better having my son here and knowing he was doing better, the truth is, he was doing what "I" wanted, by my rules, to keep the peace and keep a roof over his head. He needed me and that was the deal.
He's contacted me little this week, which is usually a bad sign.
HOWEVER
I've had to reach deep deep down and hold onto the possibility that this is his chance to make his own decisions, and soon, just maybe, those decisions will be good ones.
And he would have done it all on his own, for his own good.
I'm afraid I've robbed him of that for far too long.

I believe he can do it...now I have to act like I do.
Big MOM (((hugs))))
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Old 09-13-2008, 01:52 AM
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BTW, Xanax and all benzos actually stay in system for a long time. Benzos were one of my drugs of choice and they showed up in urine tests for a month, too!! the ones that get out fast are heroin/opiates and cocaine. So much for his brilliant plan. But maybe his plan did show him that changing drugs is like changing seats on the Titanic' he's still going down. Let him leave, and I bet after he's gone a few days you'll realize the extend of your own insanity and how much better it is not to watch him sink.
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Old 09-13-2008, 09:30 AM
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I did really good back when he was doing heroin as far as giving it up to his HP and trusting in my God that he would take care of him in ‘His’ time and in “His’ way.
Maybe it was good to let him go so you could get back to what works for you...giving it up to God.

Having a front row seat to their addiction, especially when they live with us, can distract us with the ongoing drama from doing what we know to be right...letting go and letting God.

For me, at times like this, hitting meetings often and working my own recovery and especially giving my son to God's care...helped me regain my balance and begin living a life worth living again.

We can live in the problem (their addiction) or we can live in the solution (our recovery) and I find the light is much better when I live in the solution.

Hugs
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Old 09-18-2008, 07:49 PM
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Thank you all SO much for the replys to my post... I couldn't update till now because hubby and I went on a much needed trip away for a few days.

Well AS moved out last Saturday in quite a flurry. I went through some guilt when I saw where he was moving too...pretty much a room in a basement in a not so nice part of town, but he seemed happy to do it, and sad to say, I was happy to have him out.

Did anyone ever have the horrible feeling that they were 'giving up' on their child even when they knew it was the right thing for the addict and themselves?? Well, I went through that for a while and then left on my trip and reflected enough to know that I wasn't giving up..just letting him go and trusting in my HP that I was doing the right thing for him.

Funny thing...since he left, every time I've talked to him he hasn't been the slurring, high mess he was when he was here...hmmm...interesting.

So he's still out..took care of some stuff he needed too for probation and is closer to normal than I've seen him for a few weeks..

I do have a question though. One day when he was here his pupils were pinpoints...today when I saw him they were either larger than normal or normal...hard to tell when you never know what the hell they are on? Does anyone know if xanax makes the pupils small? I know he's not doing opiates because he's doing the methadone. Does methadone make the pupils small? Does it even matter at this point? I guess I just need to know..

Thanks again...and I love you guys!
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