onlyliveonce

My crackhead, alcoholic husband have been married for 17 yrs. and I've finally come to my bottom. I turned off his cell phone yesterday after he was MIA for 4 days on a binge. I just can't do this anymore with him!!!
I talked to him yesterday and told him I was going to turn it off. He says well I won't send you this money I have for you, I'll buy a phone with it. I told him to do whatever the hell he wants to do, you know we have a child together and if you want to send money for him you will. I can't stay attached anymore for the little bit of money I get from him. We still have bills to pay off and he's STILL crackin it up.
Anyway he called this morning on his new cell and asked me why I turned his cell off and he thought that was "prett dirty". I told him what he's been doing for the last 17 yrs. is "pretty dirty too". I told him he could call his son at the house and that I had no reason to be talking to him. Our son is 13 so he dosen't have to go through me to talk to him. Thank god!!! I told him I was done and to leave me alone.
I'm not normally a mean person but being with a crackhead/alcoholic for this long has really done a job on me. And don't even talk to me about love, don't believe in that anymore much less want anything to do with it. Loving him hurts and love is not supposed to hurt. He said he wanted me to have his new cell # in case of an emergency. Hope I don't have an emergency while he's out smoking crack, my emergency wouldn't even matter. He continues to make bad choices in life and I have to let go so I won't be dragged anymore. I swear I feel like I need skin grafts. HAHAHA. It's really hard because I'm so codependent and still feel the need a little to know what's going on with him. But that's not in my best interest so I'm going to keep on keepin on.
I'm really just looking for some strength and encouragement to keep me on the right path in my mind. I swear the mind is a tricky thing!!!!!!!! Looking forward to a nice realaxing week-end.

Impurrfect

Good for you!!

As a recovering codie AND a recovering crack addict, I can tell you, you've done the best thing you can do for you and your son.

It's hard, but life is so much better when we're not focused on someone who's focused on crack/alcohol.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

BayAreaPhoenix

Yeah for you! 17 years is a long time.

It is really hard letting go. Took me years actually. But, he was busy focusing on him, I was focusing on him - Someone had to focus on me, and it sure as heck wasn't going to be him, so that left me, myself and I!

Life without the drama and the constant emotional downs (I can't say ups and downs, because the few ups we've had I think would barely register on a graph), is great. Life is now with peace, serenity, more ups and laughter than downs and lonliness. It's not perfect, it's not happy happy happy all the time, but it is real - whatever it is, life now is real and based on reality!

It's worth it! You and your son are worth it! Life focused on healthy and happy things!

Hugs to you!

onlyliveonce

Thanks for the encouragement! I also wanted any suggestions on how to keep no or very little contact with him. He's almost like my drug sad to say.

BayAreaPhoenix

Well, some suggestions. How about everytime you catch yourself picking up the phone to call him, or find yourself worrying about him - you stand up and go do something else as a distraction? Or, there's the rubber band on the wrist thing - each time you worry about him then you snap yourself. (a little S&M ) From what I've read - catching yourself and then redirecting yourself seems to be the best key for a lot of us.

hello-kitty

Don't laugh. This is exactly what I used to do to myself. It worked a little... It hurt kind of. But mostly it helped give me a sense of perspective about the whole situation. It made me laugh at myself about how insane I had become because of someone elses drug problem. I was resorting to self torture! What a nutcase I was. ;-)

Other things I did to detach myself and limit my contact:

I wrote down my boundaries and the actions I would take if they were crossed and put them on the refridgerator. I read them every day to make sure none of them had been violated.

I accepted that he would never be a resource for me for my child and I stopped trying to rely on him. I changed my expectations for him. Instead of expecting him to act like a father, I expected him to act like a drug addict. And I determined my behavior based on that paradigm.

I changed my locks.

I told other people what was going on so I would be accountable for my actions. I told my neighbors to call the police if they saw him hanging around.

I made a pledge to myself that I would no longer answer the phone when he called. I would let my answering machine get it. I could always call back later.

I deleted his number out of my cell phone so it took that much longer to call it. And I didn't have to see his name anymore.

Anyway, wrist snapping was just the beginning for me. :-)

onlyliveonce

Thanks everyone! Actually I've done the rubber band thing before. I know it sounds crazy but it works. I will not be answering my phone and I've already took him out of my phone and off speed dial. We don't live together anymore so i don't have to change the locks, thank goodness. I think I will try writing down my boundaries so when I'm starting to feel confused or mixed up I can see it plainly on paper and get back to the better place in my mind. Hopefully he'll just leave me alone cause there is no fixing the damage he's done and he has NO MORE CHANCES WITH ME!!!!!!!!!! He's had 17 yrs. worth of chances and he still hasn't got it right. Probably never will.

dauntless

What worked for me was no contact. Initially, I stopped speaking to him for three months - no contact whatsoever - even when he tried to manipulate the kids to get to me. That was difficult, it was a long, twisted road. It took me seven years to finally divorce him after over 20 years of marriage. I was addicted to him as much as he was addicted to the drugs (crack then heroin). I finally had to save myself. If I can do it, you can do it. Stay strong and good luck.

fndngserenity

OnlyLiveOnce,

I think what you have done is such a huge step in the right direction - you should give yourself a pat on the back! Try focusing on one thing at a time. Sometimes when we try to do everything all at once, it can become overwhelming. It is great that you are aware of what this is doing to you.
I am a codie as well and tonight, my bf's mom and I ended up at an NA meeting. We left there with tears but feeling good.
And you are right, we are as addicted to them as they are there drugs and that is why we need to work through our own recovery. You are doing an incredible job. The steps you have already taken show that. You have a lot of strength and courage and even if you start by making that list like Kitty suggested and focus on that each day. We did not become addicts overnight and our recoveries won't happen overnight. It sounds like you are hitting your rock bottom. You know things need to change and just like "our" addicts, we are the only ones that can make those changes.
Coming on here frequently is another way of taking good care of yourself. You have friends here who can give you as much support and love as you will need on this journey. If you feel you need that face to face help, get it, whether it be once a week or a couple times a month.
I am very proud of you and what you have done and you should be proud of yourself because what you've done takes a lot of strength and courage. And every step that you make, that strength and courage grows until one day, you find yourself looking in the mirror and being proud of what you see and saying, "I did it!"
Hugs and Prayers sweetie

Spiritual Seeker

Time for a new chapter.
It will take time, but day by day you can build and have a better life with more joy.

Stay close to your son with lots of open honest communication. This has to be confusing for him. Have some fun together!