Liquid Lunch "I don't drink at work anymore"

Old 09-12-2008, 06:42 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Life is what you make of it
Thread Starter
 
cyclelady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finding MY way in Ohio
Posts: 90
Question Liquid Lunch "I don't drink at work anymore"

My AH has been meeting me and the boys at football practice (late from work everyday) When he gets there he somewhat talks but keeps his distance from me. Even after practice at home he has been keeping his distance. Last night after he showered and BRUSHED HIS TEETH-(strange!!!) he then came over and kissed me. I asked why has he kept his distance then NOW come over to luv up on me? His answer was - "I always stand overthere and talk"-Hmmm, not all practices!

The other night my we came home from practice and AH started yelling at the 9 yo telling him to wash out the bathtub! The 9yo started yelling back "quit yelling at me, you are drunk! You always yell at me when you are drunk!" The AH laughed and said that he wasnt drunk. What was I supposed to do in this situation? Should I have intervened? I think AH had been drinking but he wasnt stumbling drunk and it is hard for me to tell unless he has had quite a few and he starts to get nasty with me. He always yells at the kids. Can the 9yo seriously see this?

I had a total CODIE moment and checked his phone this am. He had a pic that he sent to his buddy at lunch time yesterday and in the pic there were beers on the table. He told me that he doesnt drink at work anymore, but what is that crap? Obviously I cant say anything cuz I coded and check his stuff, so now I'm ticked off cuz he has been lying to me! He comes home from work/practice and starts drinking N/A beer till he goes to bed. If he is "not" drinking why does he drink these like it is real beer? Is this a psycological game he is playing with himself, or me?

2 questions:

Should I call the police and tell them that he is driving after work when he has had a few?

How do I stop Coding and checking his phone? Obviously that just makes me angry.

Thanks for listening!
cyclelady is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 06:56 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by cyclelady View Post
Can the 9yo seriously see this?
I know now that my kids saw a lot more than I realized. It makes sense to me now because they weren't seeing it through my "filter" of hoping it wasn't true.

IMO, this should be your focus and concern rather than when or how much he is drinking. It is affecting your children. What are you going to do about that?

Originally Posted by cyclelady View Post
Is this a psycological game he is playing with himself, or me?
Both. But you can choose to play along or do something to save yourself and your children. Are you in counseling or Alanon?

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 07:01 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Life is what you make of it
Thread Starter
 
cyclelady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Finding MY way in Ohio
Posts: 90
We had our first counseling session last Saturday. I did go to a few Al-anon meetings, I need to find one that suits me. I'm still searching.
Thanks
cyclelady is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 07:13 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
cyclelady,

The biggest mistake I have made over the past 15 years is not listening to my gut, and instead listening to his quacking. Listen to your gut. The more you do, the better you'll get at discerning patterns, behaviors and bs. Pay attention to his behaviors, not his words. For instance, my DH's voice gets higher when he's been drinking. He gets chatty but often isn't focused. He avoids eye contact. Just notice the subtle differences between your sober DH and your drinking DH. Then you won't have to talk to him about it or ask him questions. When you know he's been drinking, have a plan. Whatever it is, keep the kids away from him, get busy, leave the house, avoid serious conversations with him, etc. When you try to function as you normally do and he's been drinking, everything crumbles. You can't have a serious conversation with someone who's drunk. I don't have to ask my DH anymore. I have become skilled at knowing if he's been drinking. I don't look for bottles anymore. I don't try chasing down proof, or worrying about how much or when he's drinking. If he's drunk, my action plan goes into effect.

Meanwhile, focus on you and your kids. Constantly fighting with an A about their drinking is counterproductive. They'll just use your arguing as another excuse to drink more if they aren't in recovery.
respektingme is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 07:40 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
We usually go about our normal business when my AH comes home whether he's drunk or not. We greet him like we normally do, and then it's back to whatever we were doing. It's not that we ignore it and pretend it is not there, it's that we aren't going to stop and change our lives around his drinking all the time. BUT when he is in a really bad obnoxious drunkin mood (rare lately for some reason) I do take the kids to the park or out to eat dinner or to visit my mother because we don't want to be around him when he is like that and we decide to leave and go have fun elsewhere and leave him to his miserable self. Maybe that's why he doesn't do it to much anymore, because the audience leaves the building and he is just quacking at our cat. Who knows.
Blondie is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 09:12 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by cyclelady View Post
Can the 9yo seriously see this?
Absolutely! I sure knew from a very young age to recognize the danger signs of drunkeness as a mean of self preservation. I didn't have the words perhaps or the understanding of what drunkenness was but I'd guess that by age 5-6 I knew.

You AH will do what he will do. You cannot control him and change him. You can change how you deal with it. You can help your child deal with it. You child(ren) need you to help them, put them first. THey are being damaged but that damage can be mitigated if you help them by taking your focus off what your AH does or does not do and putting your focus on yourself and your child(ren).
Barbara52 is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 09:20 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
To Thine Own Self Be True
 
TTOSBT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Good for your 9 year old for standing up for himself! Yes, he absolutely sees more clearly than you and KNOWS what he knows. I think that boy needs a gold star
I am not a codie but a recovering alcoholic and yup, I avoided kissing hubby when I had been drinking and then was all lovey, after I thought I had covered it up.
I am SOOO glad I do not have to do that anymore!!!
TTOSBT is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 09:31 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I know now that my kids saw a lot more than I realized. It makes sense to me now because they weren't seeing it through my "filter" of hoping it wasn't true.

IMO, this should be your focus and concern rather than when or how much he is drinking. It is affecting your children. What are you going to do about that?
I couldn't agree more.

I will forever carry the guilt of completely putting aside my oldest daughter's needs all those years she was growing up, and instead focusing on controlling the alkie/addict husband.

That little girl is now a 30 year old alkie/addict who picks the same kind of men that I used to.

Far too often we do pass the legacy of this disease on to the children, and that IS the harsh truth.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 09-12-2008, 08:40 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
I'm growing
 
Daisy30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
[QUOTE=cyclelady;1906637]My 2 questions:

Should I call the police and tell them that he is driving after work when he has had a few?

How do I stop Coding and checking his phone? Obviously that just makes me angry.[QUOTE]

to ?#1 No I wouldn't call the police on him. It will catch up to him. BUt I would not let him drive with the kiddos in the car (not saying he does)

?#2 As you go through your recovery you will be able to stop the checking of things, phones, garbage cans, cars, etc. These are all things you cannot change. He will drink if he wants to. He will lie to you about it. and he will probably blame you for it too.

That is what addicts do. They do it so they can keep on with their addiction.

Glad to hear you are going to Al-anon it is a great place to be. go to meetings often You fill find lots of comfort there.
Daisy30 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:28 AM.