Your thoughts, please

Old 09-11-2008, 06:39 PM
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Your thoughts, please

Got a phone call from Ad this morning! I am just stunned. The ADBF is not in jail! He is out with no charges. AD said he reported to his PO and was told that he didn't have pending charges or probation violalition. He said he is going to go to drug classes. Ad told me that she is going to turn herself in either tomorrow or by Monday. I cannot believe the system. You can get away with murder in this town. Believe me there have been quite a few murders that have never been solved, even a police officer. But if you have drugs involved and get caught it is all about money. They just want the fines and then slap you on the wrist. I am furious.
She had all kinds of news. Said that ADBF was going to work with father and get a townhouse and work on getting his self straightned out. She wanted to know if he could see the kids on the weekends. Ha. I had to tell her that I had just gone to court this past Tues. and the judge gave me full guardenship. That freaked her out. She asked if I was going to take her kids from her. No, I am not taking them from her, she walked away from them and gave them over to me. I will not have the kids go to the father's cause they have to show me and the court that they have changed their lives, so these kids can be safe.
Now, she wants to know if she can see the kids before she reports to jail?
First, I keep thinking that she had been saying she was going to report for the past 4 months and still hasen't, so who is to say that she will now. I just don't think it would be a wise thing to let the kids see her and her have to leave again for how ever long. They still cry most nites wanting Mommy and Daddy. That is when I could kill them. Parents not kids. But there is a soft spot that wonders if it would help her see them and put her on a faster road to getting well. And I to be honest I want to see her. I have heard so many stories about her health and how she looks that my curosity is getting the best of me. I am so torn . Any advice, good people. Much love to you all.
April:praying
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Old 09-11-2008, 06:49 PM
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(((Painter))

wow, I really don't know. The thing that keeps sticking out in my mind, though, is that this will be hard on the kids. They are the innocents in all this and if they're already crying for mommy and daddy, they are not going to understand her just dropping in then leaving again.

Another thing is, if she sees them, there's still no guarantee that she will turn herself in. She may run again, thinking she'd rather be out there running with a CHANCE to see them (in her mind) than in jail with no chance.

Hopefully, others will be along with advice.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-11-2008, 07:52 PM
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My neice swore she was going to turn herself in on more than one occassion and never did. When she got picked up she tried the "I was gonna" line.

I agree with impurrfect - the kids won't understand the back and forth. I have a foster-neice who has two kids living with my sister - similar to you, she filed and got custody. In her experience, her foster daughter wants to see the kids for her own gratification and to manipulate my sister, not becuase she suddenly wants to be a good parent. If she does want to be a good parent, she can start by straightening out her life and turning herself in. If she hasn't done that in 4 months, I wouldn't hold my breath.

I think your initial instincts are correct. I know you love her and it's hard to hear kids saying they want mommy and daddy - and at the same time, tough love means doing the right thing even if it isn't gratifying or rewarding. I'd say, stick to your guns and your initial inclination.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I think you have a good head on your shoulders and have the right instincts - don't let them talk you out of what you know is right.

Prayers for clarity and peace...
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Old 09-11-2008, 08:19 PM
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((((Painter)))))
I understand your ambivalence; I think I would have similar thoughts. I see the wisdom of Amy's comments aobut the kids and how difficult it might be for them. The one thing I have found in this journey as that it is okay to wait to make a decision...to let things unfold a little bit. Often times, things unfold themselves before I decide or a piece of information I was unaware of suddenly reveals itself. I consider this my HP helping me along to get to where i need to be.


I'm glad things went well for you and the kids in court. Hugs
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Old 09-11-2008, 08:46 PM
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i guess you'll have to get a higher power to advise you on this.i see the that you are in the middle.you were right to go to court and rescue them kids.my advice would be to tell her how you feel..how the kids feel and that you want to see her to get her life together first.if there is any contact it should be on the phone where she needs to explain mommy needs to get her life together and they're not abandoned.any more contact should be earned by her and the father.its going to be a long road recovery is never overnite.generally you can tell the level of sincerity by the actions of an addict.the lies stop.they show up.they follow threw.they learn lessons and try doing things differant.im in recovery and will always be.these are the signs that let you know its active recovery.stay strong and vigalant.let your instincts guide you.i hope this helps you .im praying 4 you.heres a hug..:ghug3
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Old 09-12-2008, 04:36 AM
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Painter, I'm sorry you and the kids are going through this.

I found that it was impossible to get an honest answer, or any reasonably intelligent response (followed by action) from my son when he was using. We can't expect sane decisions and actions from someone living in the insanity of addiction.

My thoughts are to take good care of you and the children and let her actions speak louder than her words.

It's no picnic being the parent of an addict. Hugs and prayers go out for all of you.
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Old 09-12-2008, 06:00 AM
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I have to agree with most here, as hard as it may be for you hearing the kids ask for mom and Dad, it will only be harder after they have seen her again.

Kids don't understand that at such a young age. I mean it sounds good but it is like giving them a present and then taking it away.

Again everyone here says actions speak louder then words with addicts and I know with mine it is a fact, actually I think it is with everyone not just addicts. She needs to prove herself to you no matter how hard that is. Talk is cheap.

((((Painter)))) This has got to be so hard on you, just please take care of you and stay strong.
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Old 09-12-2008, 06:24 AM
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Kids come first. They need consistency and routine and having parents drop in/out when convenient confuses them. I think we have to protect those that can't protect theirself.
susan
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Old 09-12-2008, 06:50 AM
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Hi Painter....

I was thinking how much easier this would be on you if you
had CPS backup (although it can be a pain). Their goal is
to reunite the child with the parents.

I raised my 3 year old granddaughter for a year thru CPS and there were mandatory supervised visits twice a week with her Mom.
I was also ordered to take her to see her father (my son) in jail once a month. She also missed her Mom and Dad and cried for them. What I realized was once she had her "need" met and her fears calmed that
her parents were indeed still around, she was content to go back
home with Gramma.

At first they had me supervising the visits here at my house and it
didn't work out. She took advantage, came over under the
influence and expected to see her whenever she wanted. I had to tell
them and the visiting here stopped. When this happened she
realized that she could indeed lose her forever, checked
herself into rehab and has regained custody.

There are just no easy answers and every child is different.
I just kinda wanted to give you another side. I wish you had someone
to help you with this so it wasn't all on your shoulders.

It's so hard when there are kids involved.


Hugs to you.
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Old 09-12-2008, 12:23 PM
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Hi Painter, how did this work out?

When my ex used to want to see his son (before he got re-arrested), I would just say, call me when you are on your way over... and he never showed.

I never told his son that daddy was coming until he actually knocked on the door so that he would not be disappointed.

I'm glad he never showed. Cards from jail are better. Especially if the kids can't read so you can decide what the card says. My son occassionally gets a card from his dad. I read it to him. It always says, "I love you very much and I am sorry I cannot be there right now. I will see you when I can. Be good and listen to your mommy." No matter what kind of hogwash is actually written on the paper (usually it's just promises that most likely will be broken once he gets out)...
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Old 09-12-2008, 04:48 PM
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Thanks guys! I talked to Ad again this morning. She said she agreed with me about coming to see kids before she reported to jail. So she will not be comeing here. Good. But then she started saying that the ADBF is getting a town house and wants to get the kids on the weekends. I said absolutly no way. Of course she went off. I explained to her that if I let the kids go with him then my TANF would be cut off and I would not be able to keep the kids because I HAVE to work. She made some dumb remark about He would pay for Daycare. Ha. IT costs 260.00 a WEEK for two kids. She said all kinds of mean things like, the kids need to be with his side of the family cause that is who they have been around all their lives. Unfortunitaly I am one of those that think of a million things to say after the fact. I should have asked then why did you ask me to take the kids in the first place? Why didn't you ask his side of the family!!!! Because they do not want the kids, they don't care if the kids are being taken care of. I am the one who has given over her life to see that these kids are safe. I on the one who is living on a shoestring so these kids are getting what they need and want. Sounds strange but I am hoping that her brain is still muddled by drugs so I want have to think she hates me so much. She said she was reporting to jail tonite, so we shall see. But there is no way I will let the kids go with the father. But my biggest fear is that when this is all over, if it ever is, that she will take it all out on me and never let me see the kids again. But I will leave that until another day and turn it over to my higher power. Thanks guys, again for your caring thoughts. Love ya'll .
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Old 09-12-2008, 07:48 PM
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((Painter))

Your daughter doesn't hate you. She's just mad at herself and taking it out on you.

She has NO clue what is best for the kids right now, and is just wanting things to be right in her little world, which means letting her ABF get what he wants, which makes it easier for her.

You are doing exactly what you need to, and you are taking care of the kids.

Her lashing out at you really has nothing to do with you...she's angry at her own circumstances and you're "safe" to lash out at because you're her mom and you're going to love her no matter what. It's not FAIR, and it HURTS, but that's what we A's do until we find recovery and learn to appreciate people.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 09-14-2008, 07:05 PM
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Hi Painter

I think you did a great job in handling your AD! I also hope you don't worry about her hating you or witholding visitation with you if and when she ever gets clean. When that time comes (please Lord) she will realize what she had put you through, and I am sure will be more than grateful to you.

In the meantime I pray she turns herself in as she said she was going to. All we can do is pray because ultimately the final choice rests with her.

In the meantime, give those babies hugs and kisses and bedtime stories, tell them how much grandma loves them. Give them hugs and kisses from me too!

Prayers coming your way

Hugs,
Devastated
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Old 09-14-2008, 07:42 PM
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I also don't think that she hates you, Painter. The person that she really hates is herself. You are just in the way so to speak. I remember calling CPS on my daughter's abf. His kids were living in filth and had no food while he and my daughter gorged on drugs. To this day she still defends him even though she is clean and no longer with him. Addicts just don't see things the way we do and even when clean it takes a long, long time for their brains to heal enough to be able to admit their mistakes. Continue to take care of you and your grandchildren. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-15-2008, 03:34 PM
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Hi Painter. Did she report to jail like she said she was going to?

When your daughter starts talking "addict talk" about things that will happen in the future (ie... get clean, get a job, take kids, change her life, boyfriend getting townhouse... etc etc...) I just suggest nodding your head and listening. There is no need to make comments or respond to a word that comes out of her mouth. They are just words. Take a wait and see approach... Addicts are full of promises and threats and dreams and ideas of all kinds. But very little action.

And when and if she does find TRUE recovery from her addiction, you will be the first person she thanks for doing what was right for her children, no matter what.

Hang in there.
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